I had a friend once.
She was a lesbian.
I was straight.
The moment she entered my classroom,
I knew we would be friends.
I had no idea however,
how close we would become in so short a duration.
We shared everything with one another.
We talked till 4 in the AM.
I picked her up from her house,
so we could walk to school together.
I brought her back home too.
We watched movies together,
we held hands.
We got closer.
And closer.
And closer.
Then one day,
she admitted that she had feelings for me.
She wrote me this beautiful poem.
I should mention, she had a girlfriend.
In a country, far, far away.
That mattered a great deal to me though;
I didn't want myself to be the reason for tension between them.
I liked her girlfriend, you see.
My fear came
As I came to the realization
That my feelings mirrored hers
The next day
She kept asking me to take a walk
But I was so afraid, so scared
Because I knew what would happen
But I took the risk anyway;
it was selfish of me, I admit
We walked on a roof all alone
No one was to be seen
She took me in her arms
And kissed me softly
Then, passionately
And then softly again
We started to grow together
One body embracing the other
Our souls touched
As we looked in each other's eyes
We loved so vividly
Often I wasn't sure whether I would explode
I was in love...
Therein came the complications
The fights between family and friends
between lovers and mothers
and one day, the combat, the confrontation
The way a mother yells to protect her child
She yelled at the first girl I had ever loved in that special way...
They shouted and teared away their frustrations at each other
And then within those few seconds, I lost her
For days, I felt nothing
No fear, no anger, no love, no anguish, no sorrows, no happiness
I didn't think it was the end;
I wasn't built to be pessimistic
Though it was scary to feel nothing...
Then came the friends that tried to cheer me up,
From the depression I never let myself be victimized into
From the pity I let hang on myself,
From the shame of my self-pity,
And from the embarrassment that I had fallen for someone
who'd push me aside over a quarrel with my mother
Who refused to talk about it
For her pride was bigger than me
I fought,
And I cried,
And I loved,
And I fought,
And I beared it just enough,
to make ends meat.
And then I fought again,
and cried again,
and loved some more,
and fought all over again
I began to start to feel like a baby;
A newborn baby who does not know how to speak.
It was as if I learned feeling by feeling anew
with a small tingling of a sensation that told me;
"hey, I recognize this but I simply cannot put a name on it just yet"
I began to bloom;
'the color of my aura changed', said some
others said; 'the spark in my eyes returned'
I began to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin again;
the breeze of the winds through my hair
I hate getting my hair cut,
and I sure never trust anyone to cut it.
But one day,
I actually asked my friend to cut it for me
And it made me happy
I felt new,
although I looked nearly the same
I felt my livelihood amplify
in my surroundings
I saw people embrace me
like they haven't ever before
And before long,
I fell in love again.
But this time,
I fell in love with myself.