as each memory burned deeply in me, I knew
they'd be stuck there forever. forever in my mind, smoking and smothering me. I'm still rubbing soot off my skin and hoping it won't stick again. the past is over and yet, when I get scared it's all the same. stop, drop, and roll. sometimes I'll cover my face as I cry and hope my tears will be enough to put out the flames. the doorknob feels hot... so don't ask why I don't come out. i still feel it. the fire's still there. still burning in the back of my mind, and I'll always take precautions before trying. just trying to live. but how am I meant to when my past keeps burning me alive?

how dumb of it was me to assume i had met the love of my life this early.
i had barely begun.
barely started to understand who i am and how i think.
how naive it was of me to imagine you were going to be there my whole life.
how unfair it was of myself to plan a future as if i wasn’t thriving enough on my own. as if you made me beautiful.
i made myself beautiful.
i still make myself beautiful.
and the love of my life could be out there somewhere.
or it could be right here staring right back at me.