The world around me: Day after day it looks the same.
I hear the noise of the workers drilling in the basement
and watch people doing their business.
Here or anywhere other, it's the same.

Sometimes I think I am trapped. Trapped in former decisions;
decisions which always tend to reveal their full impact later.
I think about the mistakes I made and regret - what futile task
as past always stays past, petrifying words yelled and unspoken.

I'm not ungrateful - given my past suffering.
I'm not moaning - given freedom from my former pain.
I'm not unhappy - given that I was already happier tough.
I'm not doing nothing - given that it may look different to you.

Finally I got rid of this **** anxiety, which haunted me
from my first days at school to my last job,
these devastating thoughts of having to be better than everyone,
of being more, of deserving more
they just ate away at my soul
tearing myself apart
before hyenas did
their part.

There is a forest old as hillsides
tall, majestic, dappled shades
fall on ground beneath the silent
gnarled defenders of the glade.

There they stand in ancient splendour
many souls have passed their way
often used as welcome shelter
from the heat of summers day.

Sweet the air they breathe in chorus
our life's breath their lungs provide,
soaking up our daily poison
so that we may live and thrive.

You seas of men intent to clear them
citing progress, peddling greed
tearing roots from precious mooring
laying waste to nature's seed.

**** the beauty of a landscape
displace creatures for your need
rupture fragile ecosystems
scar the earth and watch it bleed.

To you I ask a simple question,
as I see the land bereaved.
What need has man of all this progress
when he can no longer breathe?

My stomach aches.
It's been quite a while since my stomach ached
and I knew, something was wrong
with me.
Demons dangling.
soul shivering.
heart breaking.
life crushing.
I didn't know what happened to me
back then,
and just roughly do I know it
now.

I used her, when I first met her
like a doll, like a puppet
a toy for pleasure, a plaything for my lust.
Later on I
adored her,
protected her,
trusted her,
loved her,
but I never said 'I love you',
till it was too late.
It was a sunny day
when you backstabbed me.

Sis say I've changed now,
but I am still the same man;
I just learned to understand valuing what I have
and not giving it away
carelessly.
Shame you, shame your decision
shame me, shame my tolerance
shame him, shame his sadism
shame you all and your egoism.
Lost my love, lost my job, lost myself
I'm trying to make better,
to grow,
fighting the enemy hidden
within us.

Nowadays it hurts just occasionally
not like back then when you decided
to go another way
with another man.

So much time has passed since you went away
and still I consider you irreplacable in my life.
I ask myself how I could survive without you
and I have no answer to this question.

The only thing I know for sure:
I miss you, still after all this time.
Although it's just a ghost knocking at the door
messing with my sanity.

I want to thank you for everything you gave me
and say sorry because I made so many things wrong
but I don't think you really would care about
as you are happy now.

One** word can hurt one heart
In one second for one whole day

Mind your words.
So its wouldn't hurt others.

Because sometimes..

...the pain lingers for years.