To my room I feel confined.

Trapped.

A prisoner of my own mind.

Ceilings are getting taller

Sweat soaking my collar

My throat is getting smaller

I am barely able to call out her name.

I am getting smaller but my vices and flaws are not reacting the...

same.

The shame becomes too much and suddenly these made up floors turn into made up dust

and the hate I can feel it

in the back of this room.

my mind.

its calling...

these made up floors turn into dust and suddenly

I'm falling.

The pain I feel it in my ears

my mouth,

these locked doors.

I'm falling.

Suddenly there is dust all around me and I'm no longer standing on made up floors.

Suddenly.

The hurt I feel it in the boarded windows,

or...

my eyes?

The hurt I feel it like a shooting pain from wall to wall it stings my thighs.

Suddenly?

suddenly...

the floors,

the dust,

it's all lies.

and suddenly

I'm

falling.

I have been falling.

I am still falling.

How long have I been falling.

Sitting in front of TV screens at 5 years old.

Watching them dance. Watching them sing. Watching them act.

I just want to be famous.



Extra days at the bar only 10 years old.

Turn faster.

Jump higher.

Split bigger.

I just want to be famous.

Dances. Birthdays. Family dinners.

I can't I have practice. I can't I have practice. I can't I have practice.

I just want to be famous.



All nighters in the studio 15 years old.

Write faster.

Sing higher.

Perform bigger.

I just want to be famous.

Parties, tests, sports.

I can't I have to rehearse. I can't I have to rehearse. I can't I have to rehearse.

I just want to be famous.



Spending hours staring at myself in the mirror 18 years old.

Lose weight faster.

Cheekbones higher.

**** bigger.

I just want to be famous.

Dates, interviews, entry exams.

I can't I have an audition, I can't I have an audition, I can't I have an audition.

I just want to be famous.



Spend my weekends at competitions

Dance.

Perform. Smile.

I just want to be famous.



Spend my nights doing shows.

Sing.

Perform. Smile.

I just want to be famous.



Spend my breaks filming.

Act.

Perform. Smile.

I just want to be famous.



Tours at 20

Travelling the world.



Fans at 20

Inspiring people who are just like I was



Money at 20

Being paid to do what I loved





Alone at 20

No dances, no parties, no dates



Bored at 20



No birthdays, no tests, no interviews.

Finished at 20

No family dinners, no sports, no entrance exams.



Famous at 20

I just want to be happy.

Inside of me, I

Feel condemned to loneliness.

Feel disowned by hope.

Feel abandoned by my thoughts.

Feel betrayed by all love.

Feel the empty void.

Feel nothing.

This void inside me came in waves washing anything good there was of me before. Its persuasive current stealing my faith, its irresistible undertow robbing me of my talent, 'an ocean' if that swallowing all of my joy. In fact, this feeling can't even be compared to an ocean. If I were to do so I'd be compared to an ocean that's depth seems to reach into a different universe a different dimension. An ocean that's

Vaster than the Atlantic.

Ampler than the Indian.

More open than the Pacific.

Wider than the Arctic.

More colossal than the Southern.

'An ocean' if not that then it's just a cold, never ending, forever unknown, right here at the

Base of my spine.

Back of my head.

Bottom of my stomach.

Below my knees.

Behind my ribcage.

A cold, never ending, forever unknown lays inside me, and can only be filled by the feeling of filling that 'ocean'.

I try to go back to our tree and lie beneath the branches but I always end up in tears.

I wonder if you ever come back here and do the same.



Most nights I think of you with her and wonder why we couldn't have both been in your life.

I wonder if you ever do the same.



Sometimes and only sometimes the memories get too much and I think about what would happen if I never finished this day.

I push that thought away when I think of you doing the same.

i drown myself in shallow streams my known noncompliance in the only reason i scream

i hang myself from 4ft high i only flail because i know i won't die

i cut only a half inch deep i only cry because i know my life i'll keep

i throw myself off a 10ft post and i do it again and again because i know that broken bones will be the most

In the face of death my body pleads but my mind it screams because it knows death is the one thing i need

You liked that I was different.
My strangeness captivated you.

You liked that I didn't fit in.
My loneliness fascinated you.

You liked that I was settled.
My sadness validated you.


You made me feel normal, my strangeness became nothing but formal.

You made me feel a part of it all, my loneliness went fast it had reached its curtain call.

You made me feel alive, always moving onto something better in life, with you my sadness was no longer a source of my strife.


You didn't like that I felt normal.
My formalness irritated you.

You didn't like that I felt a part of it all.
My friendliness agitated you.

You didn't like that I felt alive.
My happiness subjugated you.