Your torso I use for comfort, warming me in the cold of oblivion.

The movement of your chest steadily rising and falling mimicking calm waves on the sea rocking me into torpor as the night persisted.

The lub-dub of your heart acting as a lullaby sending me off, unarmed but protected into the cold of oblivion.

All these memories seem so artificial as I look down at your body,

You're as still.

As silent.

As cold as ice.

Your eyes staring straight back at me more fragile than I. Not wanting to shatter you into a million pieces, I avert my eyes. Keeping them closed I lift your head and lay it on my frame.

I have to do something.

You were out there all alone.

Unarmed in the cold of oblivion.



I needed to protect you.

For the first time, I was happy.

Overflowing with joy your heart fought for mine when there were demons I could no longer destroy. You saved me even though you too were just another little boy.

For the first time I could see the light.

You showed ma a future, and I was in it! It was so bright. And the things I wanted, the things I needed. they weren't as far out of sight.

For the first time I was curious.

You made me wonder when I no longer saw adventure in this life, you made me wonder even when all my pleasure turned to strife.

Your smile made me warm, the heat in my stomach was enough to deteriorate any of my crooked thoughts that tried to reform. Your smile made me able to stand up to any threatening storm, unashamed of anything in me that wasn't uniform

But your words made me flee.


For the 100th time I ran.

You made me feel things I've always wanted to feel.
You made me see things that I never knew I wanted to see.
You made me wonder things I wish I could still wonder.
You made me love someone I didn't know I was capable of loving

and you made me flee from the only thing I have ever been able to explain.

Six. That's how many days, then weeks, then months of power but now those six months have turned into six hours, six minutes, six seconds ago.

I've had people confide in me but still mine I won't show.

I think I'm ashamed?

Embarrassed?

Or maybe just scared.

Scared that you will laugh at the pain I have shared.

Scared of regretting the vain I had spared.

Scared that if I hadn't you never would have cared.

That warm feeling that used to radiate through every bone in my body when I looked upon your porcelain features was stolen from me like my heart from my chest, my air from my lungs.

Suddenly I couldn't breathe, suddenly that feeling of warmth was replaced with disgust when I saw you.

Your delicate skin on hers.

Cracking and breaking every promise you've ever made.

He never knew the girl that wrapped her body in self-pity the nights she spent alone with no one else to warm her, blaming herself for every bad thing in her world.

He didn't know the girl that bathes her self in tears the nights she's too afraid of her self to shower because it was the only place her thoughts had a clear shot at every part of her being.

He never knew the girl that wouldn't eat in the morning because it made her feel sick. Wouldn't eat in the afternoon because she had work to catch up on. Wouldn't eat at night because she was too tired the days before she would see him.

He didn't know the girl that whenever she said she was 'sick' it was from searching the bottom of her stomach. Removing any vice form her mortal she could find. And not because of the flu.

Even her herself never knew the girl that felt so out of place in the world that she believed she shouldn't be there.

She'd wake up hours later dazed from the happenings before,
her head lightened from the pounding of her skull against her walls.

She'd wake up with no recollection of the buckets of tears she tried to drown herself in or the breaths she lost from smothering herself until she fell into unconsciousness.

She wouldn't remember trying to erase her imperfections she would only wake up to them multiplied.

She'd tell her self it was okay and that she knew she was beautiful, that she knew she was important to this world. Forgiving herself for the way she's been treated and feeding her mind empty promises of change.

The cold feeling of your hand on mine that I oh so wish I did not have on my mind, but somehow those chills I once had I am still able to re-find on

my hands

my arms

my lips

my heart.

I finally picked myself back up yet sometimes I miss the days when you tore me apart.

I spent those days drinking and crying, inside I was dying. I knew you were lying but, life without you just seemed so terrifying.

I know, I shouldn't be protecting you.

I know, you've seen what you've put me through. But lately, these feelings have corrupted

my mind

my body

my soul.

I try so hard to forget that year of my life you stole, but when it comes to my thoughts it seems it's still you that's in control. I know it's sad to admit but even my life without you feels like a constant blackhole

with nowhere to run nowhere to go and with every breath, I take tightening my torso. Consumed with anger and regret from head to toe.

But through it all there's still a voice you know.

Telling me more than anything not to and at the same time convincing me that I do.

It's something I don't want to admit to and something I really don't want to be true.

I never really thought I would say this but the truth is

i miss you...