She lives in a world of lies and shattered pieces
Constantly telling herself that everything will work out
That it will be alright if she can just hold on
When she knows in her broken little soul
That the only thing that will mend is the hearts of those around her

Truly she knows how deadly her mind is to herself
The fake, comforting, band-aid thoughts that fill her with dread
Taking over when she's alone and crying
Those white lies that she almost believed in
The one she almost trusted, stabbing her in the back

The delicate rose inside of her withering away with dehydration
Life being ****** out, replaced by a poison of the worst kind
Doubts filling her head, clouding her judgement
Forcing her to do unforgivable things that she'll never forget
The thorn in her side pushing her again and again

They say you need to bleed to know you're alive
And although she has bled, she's still not sure
Wishing it was all just a nightmare, a lie of a dream
Again with the lies, she'll never get away
She runs and runs but they always follow her

All around her she sees the broken pieces of herself
Reflected back at her sobbing figure through cracked mirrors
Lighting bouncing off and hiding away
Hiding from the girl who sealed her own fate
The girl who knew what she was getting into but couldn't stop

The girl who is me
--

the words you said
the things you told me
the messages I believed
now, nothing but a lie
a dying flower in the fields
an arrow soaring towards my heart
a pair of mockingbirds just copying each other
all this time, it's all been a lie
the looks you gave me
the wonder in your eyes that i had come to believe
the piercing lightning of your touch
now pierces my heart, my brain
I don't understand it, how could you do this
who could be so cruel to lie
for months on end
saying one after another after another
never ceasing
you ask for forgiveness
you ask that I don't hate you
but I can't right now
you dropped a bomb on me, you destroyed me
everything I thought was true
just a little white lie
breaking me, killing me
hurting me more than any words ever have

I wonder if --
this world is all we have?
If we really tried,
could we not find something else out there?

I wonder if --
it will always be like this?
If we wanted to,
could we not stop all the evil, deaths, and broken hearts?

Red leaves on every tree
Falling to rest on the ground
Candles in every room
Smelling of apple and spice

Orange pumpkins with scary faces
Smiling as the people pass by
The light of the moon like a small star
Thousands of miles away

Yellow sun shining on heads
Warming the frozen fingers
Both birds and children call
To mothers and fathers, to friends and family

Brown hair in its own battle
Wrapped up un a striped scarf
Hot chocolate with cinnamon and steam
Drunk from a ceramic mug

All these things come together
These are the colors of Autumn

My biggest fears are the most probable things:
Missing out on a fun life,
being too consumed with love,
or messing up a good relationship.
Failing an exam,
embarrassing myself in front of a bunch of others,
or just one person.
Not making friends,
being judged for my appearances,
or being taken too seriously.
Never getting past this darkness in my life,
never starting a family,
or never having time to myself.
Worrying too much,
procrastinating too often,
or jumping the gun too many times.
Losing the trust of my loved ones,
taking too many risks,
or having a boring life.
It's the most common and changeable events,
that stir up the most fear in me.

closed off from the world
in a room with her thoughts and regrets
she felt felt so lonely in crowded places

her friends always told her,
"hold on a little longer"
but she dreamed of a world
without any pain or hurt or tears

how quickly she'd go and stay
unnoticed but not alone
real life isn't like the movies
she told herself as she held back tears

love, the bittersweet enemy
idolized and envied by naive
keeping quiet her heart screams
with hate and anger
how easy it is to see the way
it tears her down
yet without that hidden place to hide in
she falls apart

crimson covering the bitter memory
of that one little promise
broken with one quick-spoken word

she can't seem to run
away from all the lies
but the truth is a blade
held to her wrist with her shaking hand

she met him by chance, she had another
he fell in love, but couldn't take her from the other
she told him her problems, her deepest thoughts
she had been broken, thrown away as if she were nothing
she had so many scars, so many wounds
she told him everything, all she had ever felt
she fell in love and didn't even know it
he still loved her
she came to him crying, her other had been terrible
he held her, didn't let go, shielded her from the world
she realized the truth and gave him a chance
a chance to be more than just her friend
he made her so happy, brought her up out of the ditch she had been in
she trusted him so much more than anyone else, ever
she hated herself, but somehow still loved him
he tried to convince her of amazing things, tried to tell her
but she couldn't believe him, she wouldn't
still, they were happy, they had each other
it was better than any fairytale, better than any story
it was all too good to be true
a year passed, still they loved each other
she had more valleys, but each time he brought her to a mountain
he loved her like no one ever had before
she began to like herself just a little
she tried to be happier for him, wishing it was enough
she tried to be the woman he wanted
but she couldn't, she wasn't made for that
she told him, said they needed to take a step back
he agreed but they didn't change anything
it was all too fast, they went too far
but neither could bring themselves to stop, to change
she cried, day and night, he was supposed to be there
she sobbed, he should have been drying her tears
he said he didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to cause her pain
but she knew it was too late
she kept it from him, wouldn't tell him the pain he had caused her
she tried to pretend it was all okay
but they both knew the truth, it couldn't go on like this
so she tried to tell him
she tried to explain herself, her mind, her thoughts
he listened, he was there, but she felt like he was always distant
she felt that he was never telling her everything
finally she found out he had been lying
everything he had said, everything he had done
none of it had been for the reason she thought
she cried, she sobbed
a year of her life had been one big white lie
she knew she would never get it back, the time or the experiences
the firsts, the bests, they would never be hers again
he asked for forgiveness
but she couldn't give him any, so she told him
he kept asking, but she didn't budge
she couldn't forgive a liar immediately
she felt everything else to do with him had been a lie
all of it, dripping like syrup off his lips
so she put it off, for another time
she just said to wait, and maybe sometime, she'd have it in her
maybe she'd be able to love again
maybe not, but she had to try

He smiles at me,
eyes full of love and care.
"It will be worth it,
I promise."

This record is stuck,
the needle struggling to go forward.
But it can't, it keeps jumping
and repeating itself over and over.

He looks at me,
cold breath hanging in the air.
"Just put your bag down,
come here."

catch me,
i'm falling--
quickly, surely, wholeheartedly falling.
into a pit of joy and broken hearts,
of glory and humility.

catch me,
i'm falling--
hesitantly, every day falling.
a little here, a bunch there, still falling
it's not a choice, it's just what is.

catch me,
i'm falling--
in love
with
you.

The funny thing about life's surprises
Is finding out what you thought to be true was all just one big white lie
Once upon a time no longer a land away
The days you cried out and thought you couldn't go on
Haunting your thoughts, but not taking over your life

The things that used to cause the tears to flow
Now just make you stop and think
People which used to break you down
Now just help to build up other relationships

The unexpected outcome of tragedy, joy prevails
The paradox of a forgotten bittersweet memory
The moment you realize you'll never be the same
Changing you forever, messing with your whole, safe, outlook on life
What was once a sad, dark mess is now a bright and sunny paradise

I live in constant fear--
     of messing up.
What a glorious life I could have,
     if this cloud didn't always hang over me.
This plague, brought on by myself,
     by my fears, desires, and tears.
Surrounding me, separating me
     from the rest of the world.
The only thing keeping me
     from truly living.

the blue in your eyes
penetrating my line of sight
the words that you say
increasing my love for you day by day
the way you move and how you breathe
you're more than I could ever be
hand in hand, we fit like a glove
thank you for this gift of love

You don't even know
What you do to me
What your words can cause me to think
You don't even know
How you make me feel
How I just want you to say what you never will say
You don't even know
That I go to bed crying
That my tears reflect what I never could say

the shape of your body, forever pressed into my mind
the taste of your tongue, so sweet and all mine

the flowers of your fingers, touching my body
the ring of your laughter, swelling all around me

singing into my ears, your melody enlightens me
to the reality of your kiss, and the fire of your security

you are the one place I feel at home, the one thing I can count on
to always be there, always listen, the memory I love

the new ones being created, the old ones being embraced
the wonderful things I've always wanted, now just a breath away

Dripping with tears of sorrowful love,
The condensation on the glass of her soul,
That fragile muscle, so easily shattered,
Poked and prodded, cracked in two, but barely still whole.

Thin layers coating the surface of her precious jewel,
Crimson covers cloaking the bitter story
Of a long forgotten memory deep in his mind,
Waiting to be discovered and unraveled to true, majestic glory.

The connection of their souls and minds,
Severed by one little broken promise,
One quick-spoken word filled with menace and brutality,
When all she wanted was for him to be honest.

The ringing of those broad bells,
Signaling the end of her anguish and heartache,
And the beginning of new life and contentment,
A sleep from which she had to wake.

Sitting here with you,
I pour out my heart,
I let you in to the deepest parts of me.

My honesty spills out of me,
riding the tears down my face,
leaving scars where I can't be mended or fixed.

Please, don't destroy me,
I gave you the chance to get out,
but please, don't take it.

You are the light that guides me,
the flashlight to my darkened soul
without you I will never find my way.

in the most innocent moments
bursting forth, surprising

the thoughts of a thousand years
whispering in open ears and wandering minds
the feelings of a thousand souls
contained in just one broken one

the wondrous reminder of ourselves
unexpected, caught off guard

Messed up minds,
always there to stay.
Confusing feelings;
forever and a day.
Puzzling thoughts --
will they ever go away?

I'm coming, step by step
Slowly bringing myself back into this world
The cold finally nipping my nose
The rushing of the river filling my ears for once
Washing over me like a veil being swept away
Exposing me to the reality of this life
The good and the bad, all filling me with hope
All these thoughts and feelings
Not for the first time, but new all the same
Previously unknown, my body numb to everything
But now, the green of the grass in my blurred vision
Clearing up, becoming sharp again
Penetrating my growing mind

the moment when everything changes
looking back, you wonder how you were so unsuspecting
how everything could seem so perfect
no red flags were raised, no chance for you to surrender
before the mess and the carnage
suddenly alone, you blame yourself
making lists of what you could have done
how you could have changed the outcome
your mind never at rest
racing thoughts
a pounding heart
constant pain

How could you do this to me?
Not only did you lie to me,
You manipulated me --
Twisting your words
Until it was what you thought I wanted to hear.
All I ever wanted was the truth!
You destroyed me --
When I found you'd lied,
Nothing else made sense
Your words were all the same,
Sugar coated just to benefit yourself.
Not one thing you did was for me!
And now, I doubt you --
I doubt you ever had true love for me.
Everything you claim is real,
How do I know it's no different than before?
When you said it over and over again,
Digging your own grave,
With each and every sentence,
How do I know you're not just lying again?
How could you do this to me,
Making me doubt myself and everyone around me.

Sleepless nights, restless days
I can't ever seem to get away from it
Pushing me, whispering, always there reminding me
Of the failure, the disappointment I've become
Silence, booming in my ears
The loudest thing I've ever heard, yet completely calm
The opposite of how I really feel
Falling, endlessly, forever

Just when everything seems to be going fine in my life,
It all falls apart.
Just when I think I've made new friends,
They betray me.
Just when it seems that people may enjoy my presence,
I hear a whispered conversation.
Just when I have a chance at being good at something,
It all falls apart.
--

Lost my footing,
can't get back up.
Need you to help me,
but you're nowhere near.

Losing my mind,
cannot think straight.
Need you to understand,
but you're nowhere near.

I will lose my way,
wander untraveled paths.
I'll need a hero to save me,
but you won't come.

When you're sad, everyone notices.
They ask if you're okay, maybe you're just sick?
What's wrong? Your life isn't that bad!
Surely you just didn't get enough sleep last night.

But then when you're happy, when you really have it all...
Not a word...
No one sees you, no one thinks of you.
You want to scream at them:
Look at me!! I'm normal! I have good days like everyone else!
But it's useless.
They won't notice.

And the ones that do, instead of complimenting your joy,
Just ask why you're being so crazy,
Comment on your spontaneous impulses.
No, this is me! This is my life!
I have lots of bad days but this is really me!
Why doesn't anyone notice that?
Seeing and believing are different things.
I know I can't convince you but I still try to show you,
And you don't even look.
--

I am done just surviving,
done keeping my head just above the waves.
I am done with fighting to just get that little last breath again.
I am done just making it another day,
done just being okay.
I am done lying just because it makes things easier.

the most honest thoughts come in the dead of the night
no one around, no one listening
alone but not lonely, apart but not parted
remembering the day, the month, the year
regretting everything and reliving the memories
routinely happening, again and again
nothing can stop them, these times of reflection

I haven't been around you in so long,
Haven't heard you deep voice or seen that grin.
And now all you've left me with is your lustful touch,
Desired by my body but not wanted by me.

That touch which caused so many new feelings,
Ecstasy and desire, hate and sin.
I loved you, I knew you, I wanted to be yours,
But you made me hate me, why can't you see?

That the only memories I have left of us
Are the ones when you invaded my mind and my confidence.
Not once, not twice, but over and over,
I said no, we shouldn't, and you said it was okay, that you loved me.

Now thanks to your "love," I feel ***** and unclean,
And I know that's an bittersweet innocence I'll never get back.
You took it from me, tore it from my hands,
Stole it without a glance, a nightmare I just can't look past.

And yet amidst this sorrow, this deep regret,
My body begs for your presence,
My mind aches for the love you once gave me,
That gross, uninvited, cold touch.

Little white blossoms, born overnight
pure, easy, unbelievably real
bred in the darkness, made into light

blood
like tears
running down her arm
dripping on the tile
salty and metallic, mixing, swirling
the proof of all the lies
her mind screaming out loud
reminding her through the scars

It's all been said and done,
everything out in the open.
There's nothing I can do now,
nowhere I can hide my emotion.
I've been broken too long,
tried to hold it all in, but it's useless.
All those times I refrained from speaking,
I realize now, it was so foolish.
I'm sorry for all the lies,
for all those times I couldn't say
What I thought, what I felt,
I never meant to lead you astray!

I remember
back when life was simple --
unknown adventure
waiting to capture me.

I remember
back when loving was easy --
your smile, a few words
could make my day.

I remember
back when emotions were logical --
laughs meant good, tears meant bad
and everything balanced out.