maybe if i did things differently
maybe the outcome wouldn't have been this bad
maybe if i stayed with you mom
maybe my little brother wouldn't be dead, maybe this all my fault,
maybe if i just forgave him for intruding my body
you wouldn't hate me as much mom for putting him away
maybe if i forgave you for all the abuse over the 15 years you wouldn't hate me
maybe if i was better with dealing with things wouldn't think of me as a problem dad,
maybe if i was normal you wouldn't yell as much dad
maybe if i wasn't 20 pounds over weight you wouldn't make fun of me, maybe if i died you understand i do have problems that can't be fix in 365 days
maybe if i didn't  have ptsd you wouldn't complain about taking me to therapy, just maybe.....

Just cause you can't see them don't make them any less real.
Sometime I wish I could grab your hand then maybe you can feel
Feel all the fear that leers in the back my heart
Feel the pain of having no mother to call my own because she does not want me
Feel the fear of the loneliness, Feel the tears that roll down my face  when every thing comes up for breathe to just take mine
Face the man who destroyed you
Who made you feel like nothing
That you were worthless
That took something from you you can't get back
Try to image your a girl being *****
Try to image being beaten over an over
Try to image a girl trying to **** herself
Try feeling how that girl feels when here grandma dies when that woman was the only security she had
Try to feel how a girl broken from her soul down feels when her brother dies and she didn't get to see him even for his birthday cause her mother refused
feel that pain an fear and distrust and loneliness
Then tell me I don't have issues
Tell me I no problems
Cause lately I'm getting sick of people saying I'm fine
When I'm clearly not

You were suppose to be my best friend
I lend you my heart when your parents torn yours to apart
I told my secrets to you,
I said my deepest fears, I told you about my past
I let you dive in to the waves of my pain
Told the horrible secrets about my childhood
I gave all my trust even though
I had no reason to
but you left like they always do
Let my secrets drip right out of you
like a ****** nose
I know how this goes
I know how this'll end, but in the end
You'll get the bitter end

I'm tired of everything around me
And everyone beside of me
There all fake, They all will flea
When the storm comes they'll be gone

They use me like a store,they come and go but they never stay
It's like i'm dispensable, Ball me up and throw me away
It's like I'm their own ******* Lay-Away

I'm sorry if this upsets you
Actually I'm not, I mean to offend you
I hope this hurts as much you hurt me cause I'm tired
I'm simply tired with not just you with but everyone's *******

My friends are fake in more then one way
But I don't do a **** thing about it but complain
I believe it's come this, To this conclusion that I'd rather be alone

May sound harsh but it's the truth cause everything I do slowly turns back on me, Specially when it comes to him
I'm simply tired of being confused about him and his feelings
Takes a toll on you, It really does

Every night I try to sleep away the pain but it does not dissolve
Instead the tiredness of keeping it block let's it slip in to my dreams
Which turn into nightmares an those nightmares remind me of what was done to me

Everything started with me, As a human being
Every actions I did led up to this
But what you did shouldn't have been a guaranted
Why,Everything you were doing I was disagreeing, See
I can't understand why your not comprehending what I'm saying
I'll break it down, So you can understand
At the age 2 you started to abuse
Until I was eight, Stopped only because the state took me away
Even though that wasn't the worse
I still remember those bruises on my back,The belts you'd guys use,
And your hands that slapped ,
And how you never showed remorse  
But then I was saved when the state took me away
But not really cause a year later I went back
Cause I said I wanted to go home
Then live with a dad who I barley even knew
You have to remember I was only eight I didn't know what to say
I apologize for any of the confusion
The first year was great, Nothing went wrong
Just me, my mom, her husband, my brother

That was a mistake, I shouldn't have given in
The moment I let my guard down
That's the moment you intrude
I can't believe I trusted you
I didn't get the ******* clue
I didn't get the memo

The night she left me alone with you
That's the moment she messed up
You came into my room, You closed the door
I didn't have a choice but to follow along
You brought out a gun
But we weren't on the same team
Shots fired
But no, You left me with something worse then a wound
You left a memory that can never heal
A scar that can never be removed
See I tried to fight but you overpowered
You took my clothes off And pushed me on the bed
You took advantage
Of what you shouldn't have
You should be a ashamed
Cause this is no actions of a real man

I've been a mommy's girl ever since I was born
And when you broke my heart
My love for you never quivered, not once did it warn
I though at least you picked up the pieces
but you didn't, It felt like I pick up thousand thorns
Not once did I blame you for what he did to me
Even though your the reason why he did it
Not once did you try to make him quit

It's been 2 years now
And I've completely cut you out,I'm unwrapped from your finger
I learned i'm not no servant,I don't need to bow
but when you did you made me feel worthless
I wanted to die
And I tried
but
God show me I had purpose
So did my dad
Thank God for that man, Even though you hate him
I love him to the death of me
and you know that, I can see it in your eyes
I can see the hatred you have me
I already you knew had for me
but it was hidden
Now it's being hurled at me

Still my love for you hasn't quivered
cause you are my mom
Forever will be
Linked by blood
But never my mother by the rules of my heart
Bye

Every night I lay awake

                           In this bed of lies I have made

               Lies that have grown, I have blocked out you of me

       Completely in the daylight I have, though when night falls

I let the memories fall out and replay

I let myself feel that burning hurt you left in your place

The hurt so pronounce that I cannot ignore when I'm in the dark

Remember that night when I put on that lace

I took those pictures just for you

                 I'm marked

Marked with the regret of showing you, I wish I could erase

                     Erase you  

                      Erase me

                      Erase us

                      Erase this pain

                 But I can't erase

    Cause it's always 1am and I hear you voice

         then it's 2am and I'm hearing your laughter

Then it's 3am and I'm hearing you say I love you baby

Then sunset breaks, and you disapper

And I pretend that I do not care  

until night comes back

And we do this all over again