" The year was 1968. My journey in life took me
to a place so unfamiliar to me. Fort Ord Army Base.
There is where i began my Manhood. (Boot Camp)
Week after week of drills that brought sweat out
of me that i never knew existed.
This was in Northern California. Land of American beauty.
Yet i was in Hell. All we thought at that time was, can we make it through?
Then beyond any notice to us, we were all called out for a roll
call.. The Commanding Officer awarded us with a weekend pass.
The cheer was so loud i thought i was in a Football stadium.
We were dismissed, and packed to see what "I Once Saw."
First stop. A town called Carmel. Cobblestone streets, trees with
leaves of color as if they were born out of a Kaleidoscope.
It was though i was living in a Charles Dickens novel.
I walked through stores that held no dust. Nothing out of place, they
had a Heavenly touch.
When i stopped for a bite to eat.
Even that was an unforgettable experience.
The food tasted much better. I didn't want to leave my seat.
What captured me the most as i strolled through these impressive
streets of Carmel, was a view in where i stood overlooking the Pacific
Ocean.
"BIG SUR". I almost fainted. A sight so beautiful to my eyes i wondered
Why? Why do so many people leave this great land of ours to go on
vacations elsewhere?
To be standing on a cliff looking at the raging ocean waves pounding
the walls of these mighty rocks.
"As I Once Saw" I yearn for more.
A sight that comes to me in so many of my nights.
Branded in my mind for the rest of my life."

The solid mountains ever so high
I thought to myself and wondered why?
The answer being a creation descended directly from Heaven
But I knew I had to climb
I had to see the distance of my life to be
The depth of the mountain having a destiny
My life’s direction would no longer be a mystery
So I started to head up the mountain peak
The Half Way point became of what is the mission that you seek
Another step of an established almost there
Inspiration flashed to continue to preserver
Every step I knew I was getting near
I reached the Mountain Top
Endurance is what helped me not to stop
At that moment, I had a reason to live, purpose, achieve and accomplish
It was the mountains solid foundation being my assurance I would achieve
The focus in sitting high at the peak
My institution surely wasn’t weak
But understanding being the convincing key, and it was the Heavens that truly showed me.

Before you love me,
I need you to know that I am the cracked knuckles you got from punching a wall after your mother told you she was leaving for good.

I am the old mascara marks on your pillowcase you've yet to wash off, the window in your bedroom that won't open all the way and squeaks like hell during the night.

Before you love me,
You need to see me on the nights when I can't breathe correctly because my mind can't stop counting all the people I've lost.

You need to see me lock the door 17 times and make sure all the faucets aren't dripping at all because I'm afraid of drowning.

You need to hear my voice crack when I shout, raw and insecure. And know that I'm not violent but my words sting more than the 14 shots you took the night your ex broke your heart.

But before you love me,
I also want you to know that I love to pick flowers when I'm at stop lights and I'll give them to you but I always forget a vase.

I'll sing about how our eyes match and how you kick me in your sleep but I don't mind.

On days when you can't stand to live anymore I will vacuum up all your tears from the ground and we'll go to the roof and scream until our lungs collapse.

In the morning I will kiss the nectar from your cheeks and trace the letters of your name on your skin so you remember to always think of yourself first.

I'll probably dream of silly things and we'll laugh about them and I'll make you tea with extra honey because I know you love it.

And even though I know you hate it, I'll always smile because of your dimples and count the freckles on your back and give you a new reason to love you every day.

Most of all, before you even think about loving me, I need you to love yourself.

Emotionally exhausted.
My thoughts have officially lost it.
I found my goals and mapped it.
Discovered my pain and masked it.

Lost my soul, and I'm stuck here.
Trapped without it.
I'm running all these miles on manipulation.
Not a moment of hesitation.

Riled up lionhearts.
Dashing into every darts.
It's my gun and, I keep jumping into all of this.
This is a mess, a puzzle that nobody can solve.

My heart is addicted to this pain.
There is no way to stop it.
Running all these signs.
Racing all these lights.

No doubt about it, it's definite now.
Full-forced through the windshield.
I don't like the cards I was dealt.
Waiting it out, playing every card.

Desperate for a win.
Seal up the doors, don't let the devil in.
He's coming to collect me for my sins.
I have collected one too many sins.

My shots are just hitting the rims.
And I keep shooting.
I'm still losing, and I choose to keep on.
I'm far beyond exhausted.

All of it's costing me too much.
Losing it all in the hopes of getting everything I have ever wanted.
Daunted by my demons.
And I'm haunted by feelings.

I keep trying to find my meaning, so desperate for any type of reason.
To keep on despite all these dealings.
Concealing all of this. Shielding all of this.
Just by breathing.

My heart is addicted.
A love it can not grasp.
Withdrawal is an infernal hell.

Nostalgic for the heaven in your arms.
Angelic chocolate eyes drowning me in an ocean of love.
Strawberry lips entrapping me in crystal skies.

Breathing abandonment in like oxygen.
Left on the shelf with books you never read.
Bleeding wounds and running on empty.

Loving you was breathtaking.
Now I am left breathless.
Addicted to wanting more.

Easy to dress and hard to address.