With one look
You set my soul on fire
Lit it up like the Fourth of July

With one glance
My heart engulfed in flames
And my breath labored

An illness I never want to build immunity to

I will wait for the one who feels like baking sugar cookies
For the one that smells like climbing trees
For the one that looks like a morning after sleeping in a hotel
For the one that sounds like smiling before a roller coaster takes off
For the one that tastes like swimming way after the sun has gone down
I will wait.

My Queen has became
Afraid of this monster
I stood my ground
And fought it off
I didn't defeat it
She became
Terrified
My sword
Cracked and chipped
My shield
Scratched and dented
As long as my
Helmet
Was fine she wouldn't
Know that I was
Terrified of this monster

I say I'm done
with being treated like ****
because I'm a human
and I deserve respect
but I still get surprised
when I'm treated right
and I apologize
when I've done nothing wrong
but I do stand up for myself occasionally
so that's something
right?

written June 16, 2015

"I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore
I want to have the full you, someone I adore
The feelings you give me but ten times more
and I want to feel you deep inside
Not my body but my life
I want to get to know you, the real you, your soul
Deeper deeper baby, right there that
Hole in your chest that makes you cry, I want to know why
and I want to converse with you like our tongues do in bed
Engaging in a language we both understand but I want more
Give me more
I want your eyes to do what your hands do and monitor my body like I'm your property and I want your hand to hold mine
I want cuddles and laughter
And hearts beating faster
Oh dear, I want to be so much more
Than your *** *****
And I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore"

I knew I shouldn’t drink
Not in the teenager
‘I should be
                  responsible’
            way,
because honestly
           I didn’t care about that
                                     About not disappointing my parents
because they can tell me what they want
             but everyone drinks
                    and no one waits until they’re twenty-one
and I know they weren’t exceptions
              I knew I shouldn’t drink
in the
              “everyone in my family is an alcoholic
and I will be too
                         it’s a hereditary disease
once I start
                                                 I won’t stop”
sense and in the
                    “emotional drinking is a bad sign
                             and binge drinking still counts as alcoholism
(at least I’m pretty sure it does)”
sense
          but still
I drank
          when I was
angry
sad
at parties
bored
            because what else was I going to do?
                                                   History repeats itself
              and I am no exception
So the first time I had drunk
                I was ***
I mean…. you get it
                   who cares really
I don’t really remember it
                        I remember blacking out halfway through
and waking up somewhere else
                   but I don’t remember ever saying
                                      "no”
          or “stop”
                       or anything like that
I just remember it all being hazy
                                     and if I went to another party
I wouldn’t even recognize him
                     but I don’t go to parties anymore and I know
                                                            ­                                  I shouldn’t drink