it's been a while since I spoke here last
I know who I am and who I want to be
And it's all thanks to you

every time I close my eyes I see your face and how crushed you were
every time I close my eyes I remember how shocked I was to see the tears running down your face
every time I close my eyes I replay those moments in my head
every time I close my eyes I feel the pain you felt as it radiated off you

I don't ever think I'll forget the way I felt when I hugged you and the way your voice sounded when you spoke. I'll never forget how, just for a moment, I was held, in your eyes, over your best friend.  I will never forget the way your reached out to me when I left. That kind of pain is crippling and I understand.

seeing you cry shook me and I'm not entirely stable yet

{KAH}

I miss you
i miss the way you'd insist on checking on me twice a day
i miss your kind words and encouragement and your willingness to be there for me no matter what.
i miss the way I felt about you.
i miss the way my heart would stop when i'd talk to you
I miss the way you held me for so long, not wanting to let go
I miss how easy it was between us

I miss you.

{KAH}

i love too much
fall too fast
assure too quickly
that i'm okay
but the truth is
i'm not
i haven't been okay for 5 years
i ask all the time if people are okay
because i don't want them to feel the way i do
but the thing is
people forget to ask me the same thing
and when they do, i lie.

{KAH}

i haven't been clean in 5 years
5 straight years of "you're pathetic" "you're worthless" "you're ugly" have torn me down and made me dead inside.
they say that self harm is asking for attention.
what they forget is that scars aren't always physical.
they're mental too.

{KAH}

I miss you every day.
But I swear I don't love you any more.
I hear you in every note of those songs.
I see you in his eyes.
I still feel your light touch on my arm.
I still remember the way your hands floated across the keys, so silent and sure.
But I swear I don't love you any more.

We never could have worked.
I never would have been good enough for you.
You never would have loved me the way I used to love you... the way I still feel about you.

But I swear I don't love you any more.

{KAH}

you felt like music in my bones 
then suddenly you changed keys 
i was out of tune 
and we forgot the words
it's four o'clock on monday morning
and all that's left
is the memory of your head
on the pillow next to mine
it was here
like this
that we used to listen
to all my favorite records
but I can't now
because when the needle hits the vinyl
i start thinking of you
it's the early hours of the day
when the streaks of morning light
break across the clouds
that I realize
i'm not a morning person
i'm a mourning person

[holyoak]