ignore yesterday's rain
let it stay behind
for today is anew
tomorrow isn't promised
so live in the moment
enjoy making it last
there 's nothing to do
about the past
but learn from it

my love is a reverse Midas touch.
one day, your eyes will stop lighting up.
your sun will stop trying to break through
the cloud that is my melancholy.
your forgiveness will wither
underneath all of these apologies;
nothing can grow when it is
being watered too much.

one day, you will stop getting your hands *****.
you will stop searching for good intentions
in the ruins of everything I have destroyed.
you will stop searching for me
like I'm the survivor of a shipwreck
and not the shipwreck itself.

one day, you will understand why
abandoned buildings are demolished
when they cannot be saved.

my body is a phantom limb.
sometimes I can feel myself
being the person I wish I was.

my mother is both my stagehand
and my audience.
when the stage lights burn out,
she will be there to drive the darkness
back into the corners.
when the flimsy backdrop crumbles,
she will build a new world for me
while cleaning up the ruins of the old.
she will wipe the exaggeration from my face,
and still applaud when I am myself.

my mother is both the moon and the sun.
her voice brightens the cloudiest days
and her laughter is a warm embrace.
out of all of the stars in the galaxy,
she is the one that keeps me alive.
when the day comes to an end,
and all I can see is night,
she will pull back the waves
when I feel like I am drowning.

my mother is everything.
she is the water that nourishes these roots.
she is the reason love grows
from this family tree.

abuse is a picture that I am forced to paint
with colors I have never seen.
if I draw fists into open arms,
if I sketch an apology in between berating,
if I fill in every empty space with love,
no one will come running for
the child who cried help.

abuse is a phantom limb
still covered in bruises.
white coats and clipboards wonder
how it can still ache when it is no longer there,
infecting me with their doubts.
sometimes it feels heavier
than it did when it was a part of me.

depression eats at my weight until my skin is taut,
boarding up my eyes and locking my mouth.
blame has found solace in this blood,
guilt mutating my thoughts.
my potential used to live here,
but abuse has a reverse Midas touch
where everything that could have become gold
withers in its hands.

Today everything is my fault,
I cant do anything right.
Anything I say gets taken the wrong way.
I feel sick but because you feel down it’s all about you
Nothing I do is right.
You wont let me help.
You get mad at me for trying to help.
You get mad at me for telling you how it is,
You are making things worse.
You left.
You left me to deal with this on my own.
I have moments to,
Not that you would know because its never about me
But I guess its all my fault.
Ill take the blame,
You can just tell everyone how im an ***.
Tell the people what they want to here….
Noelle did it again.
She cant make anything right,
She cant make anyone happy,
She cant keep anyone because shes to much of a *****.
Tell them how its all my fault,
Its all my fault for trying to help you,
For telling you what I know,
For getting mad that I cant help.
Tell them.
Tell them how you see it.
Tell them so they know I cant do anything right.
Tell them because they deserve to know too.
Tell them because its always my fault.
Tell them because they already know.
They know how I am.
I self destruct,
I blow up,
I get mad,
I get sad,
I have emotions to.
I have moments where I break,
Where I remember,
Where I can barely breath because of what happened.
But that doesn’t matter,
Because I don’t matter.

Dear California,
We must be meant to be.
I hear songs about you,
and I know they're sung just for me.
And in the night of waiting,
I long to be with thee.
I'm hesitating,
but I know you're for me.

I'll take you once a year,
if that's all I can have.
In my heart you're so dear,
I can't wait to come back.
Even while I'm there.
Oh, California
It must be in the air.
Dear California,
I'll meet you there.
Wait for me California.

Passed the time searching,
Tracing the circles
Of this tired path I’ve worn in the soil.
Eyes touching faces,
Skimming the places
The crowds that have swollen and roiled.

Red brimming eyelids,
Sleep stolen violence;
I’ve curled up with nothing, away from the light.
Drift off to no where-
Found you were somewhere,
Sought then to flee there: off into the night.