My insides
Are shaking
Doomsday
Freedom day
Fools day
Is approaching
I have to jump
I have to leap
Insanity
Obesity
Depression
Is nipping at my toes
Half of me
Says this is wrong
Wait, wait
Time is not right
Not correct
But
I must believe
I must strengthen
I make time
I create opportunity
Even though
I know
My world
Is folded
My timeline
Twisted and turned
Tweaked
Into obtuse, acute, and right
Triangles
I try to
Move them
Around
Shape them around
Blow them out
Feel them up
And see
If
I can get
A little more space
A little more freedom
Play the game
Ignore the game
Wink hard
Skip long
Try to focus
Focus
And not get board
But
Hold my feelings
Keep them cool
Like ice cubes
But not
Too cool
Not too
Distant
Listen
To those
I know
Who came before
Walked so crooked
Trying to make it straight
Perfect
Everything is perfect
Everything is fine
Not looking behind
Never behind
Feel my breath
Going to fast
Feel my heart beating
To fast
Quick
Happy thought
Happy thought
The ogre has no effect
No thought
No moment
In my heart
My body
It is gone
Wiped clean
With the pain
Hold on
To my imaginary dream
So twisted
Into the pain
Try to separate
Compartmentalize
Ignore
The entanglement
Just to survive
Live one more day
Ignore
The jokes
Mental pain
Rise above
Survive above
Do not die
Do not go down
Not like that
Never like that
All the confusion
Obsession
Of who I am
What I am
I don’t know
I don’t understand
The fascination
With my destruction
My frustration
With the manipulation of my life
The unknown
Target
Of my life
Such an easy
Simple
Target
Of my life
I’ve always known
Who I am
A simple, strong, dark, bright,
Woman

I have fresco chips
Stuck under my nails
I think I like it
The green pigment sinks
Through
Into my blood stream
It circulates through my body
Into my mind
I cannot stop thinking
Remembering
The feel of your texture
The humor in your tongue
A man
Whose laugh
Haunts me
Plays with words
Jabs my heart
And then smiles
So crooked
So twisted
I should run
I should hide
But I cannot venture
You are squeezing
My heart
Blood squirts
Out between your fingers
You say you don’t want me
You say that I am not needed
But you don’t let me go
You cover it in plaster
Unfinished
You put it away
Dust covers it
Maggots eat at it
I move on
I walk on
Trying to smile
Trying to breath
Denying
That I am empty
Hollow
Shallow
Waiting for you
To walk through
The door
Grab me
Hug me
Love me

If only I closed my eyes and walked away
If only you didn't look at me and speak that day
Oh I wish you wouldn't have came
To deprive my eyes from sleeping
And allow the coincidence to play its game
Oh i wish at that trice I wasn't there

As if I've known you're eyes for a thousand years
As if a lifetime passed and I didn't live
Emotions that I couldn't explain blew
Only the feeling of passion knew what I felt

If only I didn't open my eyes to the world that day
If only I didn't fall asleep to the most beautiful tales
I wouldn't have woken up knowing love
I wouldn't have had tears and thoughts
If only your smile didn't hypnotize
And if only your eyes didn't keep me up all night
I  wouldn't have let my illusions dream of you
I wouldn't have wrote that poem about you

If only I closed my eyes and walked away

I listen to the sound
Of you sleeping, holding my
Breath, just to feel yours.

The ice was cracking under my feet.
The ice was crackling under my feet.
This morning it wasn’t even that cold.
The sun rose earlier
At the train station the sky
Shone velvety purple.
The brisk air reminded me
Of the siberian cold
In your eyes
While your heart is burning.

Breaking, crumbling, thundering,
Smashing
Shattering the ground
Below me.
I fall
endlessly
You listen for the sound of my body
Passionately
Embracing the pavement
In silence
I entered your world
In my sleep
In silence
I will go back
to sleep.

I don’t remember the colour of your eyes,
or the place where you last kissed me.
In fact
did you ever give me a last kiss?
cuz if you did, I lost it.
There’s too much junk in all my pockets
and I
think it should be in the pocket by my heart.

I don’t remember the shape of your smile,
or when you last held my hand.
And deep inside
my soul is searching for your handprints.
It’s messy and it’s dusty in there
and there’s no light cuz I forgot to pay my bills
and I
keep stumbling in the dark on the remains of too many souls

I don’t remember the flow of your thoughts
or the way you accentuated words.
But mostly
it’s the maze-like way you loved me
that I seem to have forgotten.
So far away in time and space it all appears tonight,
but I
am sure you loved me one late evening under the moon.

The more I try to grasp you
The more you slip away.
You switch form and shape
And state
Only to evade
The tremolous grip of my hand.

My lips sealing your lips
At last!
You undress me
And pass straight through me
To reach your inner death
to numb the pain away.

You already forgot I am there
By your side,
Naked and with my heart
Hanging out of my chest.
Deeper still, in your contemplation of death
You don't even remember what I'll never forget.

I give in to your hate
As you bite my lower lip
In despair
My soul unfolds
Only to wrap
All of you like a blanket
To keep you safe
I force your hand
And bend your will
I will not let you ****
Yourself
The knife piercing my skin
My flesh
My bones
My chest
Wide open
My heart beats
Alive in the palm of your hand
I stand on the edge of your conscience
Give me a push!