Today. I give up.*

I got up to you,
I climbed
all the stairs of the seven storeys, until
I got there, where
I forsook
the costume and the mask,
the desire and the expectancy.
I left them all neatly folded at the door.
You will find them in the morning when
you will wake up and
you will leave sleepy for the office.
You probably won't put them into consideration.
You'll step over "i miss you",
over "i'd love to",
and you''ll hit the little"why" in its belly while
he slowly pulls your sleeve.
Don't worry,
I am better now.
I forgot about the dimples and the mole.
How does your voice sound?
Your eyes... are they green or brown?
That yellow t-shirt,
that plaid shirt...
I do not even care if
you will see the pile
waiting for you outside the door.
It's not like
you have not seen
my backpack every time
we met...

Today I give up.

Because
I am not made of concrete,
and that's how the breeze that
you carry with you
always
unbalances
me.
Because
I really know how to ride a bike and
I do not need training wheels.
Because
I am not afraid.
Because
I have courage.
And especially,
because
I have nothing to do here.
It's empty and deserted.
It's nothing.

*Today I quit.

i never would've thought that seeing again those eyes that
i already
adore,
the heart would weep a little
and would languish,
and the stomach would rub its walls stressed that
the hands were shaking too.

there. thats how everything fleed inside my body,
like there's a competition between organs:
which one will break down first.
the lungs, they can not breathe anymore,
the brain, going into "freeze" mode,
the legs, suddenly not having any bones,
but a sort of gelatine that rather flows,
and flows,
and these eyes that want to wash my cheeks,
my sins.

*I think,
still,
that mum was right
when she said
that love is nothing but
chemistry and hormones...

02:47 am. i am on the bench, alone, waiting...

the stranger sees me, sighs and asks me wheezing:
"you yearn for someone, too. don't you?"
i gasp. he passes by me and stops.
"what do i have to do to get rid of the yearning? i'm not ok..."
i say nothing, but in my eyes he could've read my answer, my cries and my yearn.
my yearns...
"i should go to sleep, right?"
i smile.
„but does it go away?”
„it certainly does not go away, but at some point you will get used to it and it's like a friend new in town that you take out for a walk.”, i answer him.
"you miss him, don't you?"
i gasp again. we look quietly at each other for a few seconds. then my phone rings.
"tell him that. you might be surprised. now i'll go, pick it up. good night!"
i managed to say: "take care of your yearns!" and i picked up the phone.

it was not him.

i woke up this morning
with a snowflake on the tip of my nose
and i thought i became a sleepwalker.
its the first time that im haunting
the dreamworld
with my eyes wide open
and i believe.

i was sleeping actually. and it was
fog
and hoarfrost
and everything smelled of oranges.
mom says it smells like Christmas
but i dont sense any pine-tree.
so no.

the snowflake melted and i still did not wake up and i almost had a panick attack because i was not sleeping, i was not awake either and i was home, where it is impossible for snowflakes to fall.

tangerines. yes. not oranges.