i just want you to want me
because most of the time i dont want myself

No food
No sleep
I can't let these things reach out and speak sweet lies
I can't let food call my name
I can't let sleep drown my thoughts

I shouldn't eat
I can't sleep

This is me

I am broken girl
Who can't eat
In fear I weigh too much

I am a broken girl who can't sleep
For my thoughts and memories
Haunt me too much

I am a broken girl who answers 'how are you?'
With 'I'm alright' even when I'm not even close
Because I don't want you to worry
I don't want you to fret
Over a broken soul

I am a broken girl who says 'I have been busy'
when someone asks me why I haven't done something
I have been busy just not in the way they think
I have been busy trying not to give into hunger
I have been busy fixating on how I'm broken
I have been busy
But not in the way they think

I am a broken girl who has let her demons
creep up on her too much

I am a broken girl who has surrendered
her soul

I am a broken girl who dates so she feels
worth something because I don't when I'm alone

I date because I need to depend on someone
Because I am not dependable for anyone
Let alone myself

I date so I can hear someone say I love you
So I can hear someone call me beautiful
Cute
Amazing
And so many other things
Even if I don't believe it

I am a broken girl who has lost so many relationships
Five to death
And so many others just because they left
I was no longer good enough
No longer happy enough
No longer
PRETENDING

I am a broken girl who pretends
And when I stop people leave

Because I am too broken

I am too clingy

I am too demanding

I'm just not enough

Or I'm too much

THIS IS ME

But no one sees
Until I let them

And when I do they worry

But please don't worry
Because you didn't when you didn't know
So why worry now?

I'm still the same me
You just couldn't see all the flaws that my eyes do

You don't see the way I do

I see a girl who's eyes are too big

I see a girl who isn't thin enough

I see a girl who's hair doesn't suit her no matter what

I see a girl with too many scars

I see a girl
But I don't

For all I can see now is a walking flaw

And no one knows that
THIS IS ME

"Yeah, i had a pretty normal childhood"

You used to beg your mother to let you wash the dishes
Because it was the only way you could warm up your hands.

A notebook in my hand
A Monster in the other
What would think of me,
My precious absent mother?

Would she be proud?
Or rather dissapointed?
The answer is neither.
She wouldn't care.

why?

why did she damage me?

so permanent and irreparably.

so much so that

I wake at night and struggle to breath

as her hands

wrap around my throat

and squeeze the last small breaths

out of little eight year old me.

so much so

that I can't trust

anybody.

so much so

that it takes pain

to help me feel

some sort of release.

why?

why did she have to damage me?

I would tear this world asunder,
to see the smile I yearn for to part your lips.
Indulge my senses and lure me into that dream.
That I never want to escape.
Where questions of you, beg answers of me.
Let this feeling linger.
For it entwines my desire.
Lead me unto the place of longed rest.
Where you are mine.
Where my arms shroud you from harm,
where my arms hold you close.
Where words do not fail.
Where we rest together,
Indulge me.