i'm so tired
of hurting people

i'm so tired
of hurting myself

i'm so tired
of my own thoughts

i'm so tired
of myself

i'm so tired
of others

i'm so tired
of missing someone who doesn't think about me

i'm so tired
of my family

i'm so tired
of school

i'm so tired
of winter

i'm so tired
of sitting in my room

i'm so tired
of having no energy

i'm so tired
of being alone

i'm so tired
of eating

i'm so tired
of looking at myself

i'm so tired
of my body

i'm so tired
of taking care of myself

i'm so tired
of waiting for a sign

i'm so tired
of living

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i hate winter
and the cold weather always seems to get to me
i would love to migrate somewhere warmer
somewhere my seasonal depression would never eat at me

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i always flee from things
and leave things that are good for me
i would love to be able to run away from my problems
run away from people that love me and never look back

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i long for family
and raising kids
i would love to make a family that is better than the one i grew up in
to make a home full of love

i think i was supposed to be a bird
the way i wish i was a part of a flock
and have people to count on
i would love to have a group that always gets along
always there for each other

i wish i was bird

i wrote you a letter
right before winter break
i swear i planned on giving it to you
but then you weren't there

maybe i'll give it to you
maybe on your birthday
or maybe on the last day of school
possibly when we graduate
or i might find you when we're older and email it to you

or maybe i won't
maybe i'll let it sit in my nightstand dresser
and i'll probably rewrite a million times
it'll always be in my bag waiting for you
and when i move out i'll throw it in a box
maybe when i'm married i'll find it and finally throw it away

i want to write
i want to fill this empty page with brilliant words
i want to blow people away with my witty metaphors and symbolism
but i cant seem to get it out

trust me I have so much to say
too many thoughts
so many unfinished poems
I mean i probably have about 50 drafts
just sitting,
unfinished,
unpolished,
unperfect
it's either too wordy or not wordy enough,
too meticulous or not meticulous enough,
doesn't rhyme at all or doesn't rhyme the way i want it to

i want to be good like all the others i see on here
but i just cant seem to measure up

sometimes i miss you
and then i can't think why
i remember the way we'd always fight
and how much i'd always cry

i remind myself of your arrogance
and how stupid i'd feel around you
i think of your stubbornness
and how it'd put me in a bad mood

your weird ******* fashion
and no common sense
it all left me
so so tense

but of course i can't bring myself to think of all the good

like how you'd smile when i'd talk
and remember all my small things
when you'd always bring me food
and hold my hand when we'd walk

i don't dare think of your sweet letters
or the loving look you reserved for me
your soft lips
or your hugs that'd immediately make me feel better

maybe i can think of some reasons to miss you
but i don't want to think about that
cause you'd say you'd always love me
but i guess that's not true

what do you see while you're building a completely new future
with no trace of me
with her?

do you see lazy college days
and dancing late at night?

do you see a new apartment
and 2 golden retrievers?

do you see proposing in a park
and crying at your wedding?

do you see buying a house
and having children?

do you see parenting
and traveling?

do you see peace
and growing old together?

do you see me
standing in the corner
watching you live the future
that you pinky promised me?

i look at you and i see nothing
i don't see the person i would've last year

i don't see the hands
that held mine to let me know you loved me even when you couldn't say it

i don't see the eyes
i once said were my favorite color

i don't see the lips
used to speak the sweetest words and light a fire in me

i don't see the arms
that once held me to keep me safe and warm

i don't see the person
that was mine

you are a stranger
and while i thought it would never happen
maybe it is for the better