i stand very still
wait for you to leave
you won't take the ****
what a pet peeve

i wait for the words
i know i'm too much.
one stone kills two birds,
something or such

walk away
i won't be mad
what do i say?
"it was nice what we had"

i'd do it for you
but you won't let me try
i'll break us in two
i hope we get by

don't clear your cards,
you have the perfect hand.
seven of hearts,
slipped through like sand

i stand on the line,
i'm all torn.
i tell you i'm fine,
we can't be reborn

"you can't just leave me"
i want to say.
it's not meant to be,
maybe another day

you cleared your cards,
lost the bet
aimed you darts
you get what you get

i'm your best friend
of course i'm important to you

you called me
after
the first four people that came to mind weren't available.
i was honored to be considered

i was the
one
person to not know about the party.
it's fine, i had more fun looking at the pictures

i was the
last
one to hear the news; it happened two weeks ago.
you were just busy, it slipped your mind


you're my best friend
of course you're important to me

i have a free weekend; i call you
first
to see if you're busy.
you are

i suggest watching my favorite movie; you've already seen it with
someone else.
we don't watch it

i race to the phone to tell
you
the latest gossip.
someone already told you.


of course we're best friends

you know me; everyone knows me
i am the
social,
friendly,
well-known girl.
i am friends with everyone,
i compliment every girl i see,
i smile at everyone i make eye contact with.
i am always
smiling,
laughing,
talking,
dancing.
i live to make others laugh
i worry for everyone else's safety before i think about mine
i am in every friend group
i know every person in the halls
i deflect and laugh when people ask about me
i am always the first to reach out
i smile when i am angry
i laugh when i am sad
i am the ******* sun when i am happy

but i am also the girl who cries because she doesn't have any real friends
i starve and enjoy feeling hungry
i binge and stick my fingers down my throat
i stare in the mirror for too long and try everything to fix myself
i look at every girl in the lunch line and take note of:
what i should and shouldn't have
what i need to change and keep
i brush my hair obsessively
i look in every single reflection
i go to sleep late and wake up the same way
i smile when it is the last thing i want to do
i laugh even though i am revolted by the sound
i drink water like it is the new Coke
i chew gum until the flavor is long gone
i obsess over anything i can because i live off of distractions
******* in my stomach is muscle memory and
"i'm great, how are you?"
is my catchphrase

do you really know me?

the moon shines on me as i sleep
i feel so loved
i am someone you keep

the wind blows through my hair
i feel so safe
knowing you and that you care

the flowers bloom their colors
i feel so happy
you and me, for all-time lovers

the sun warms my face
i feel so calm
you leave me in such a lovely haze

we are the prey of beauty standards

we are eaten whole by the edited pictures and meticulous videos
we are tricked by diet culture and eating disorders
we are swallowed into the stomachs of comparison and insecurity
we are trapped by the constant change of trends and perfect bodies

we are killed by made-up predators

i'm always a secret
but not the kind that's kept

my name is only said
in whispers,
private moments,
and in your head

i'm only looked at
from across the room,
passing in the halls,
and when i'm pretty like the moon

it's all the same,
people are shocked i know your name

i'm here for you when you need it,
when its convenient

i don't dare wave or say hi
i'll cave before i say goodbye

we've gone through more,
we've been here before

it's not anything new,
it's just me and you