My mind is tired, wants to sleep
But my anxiety says no
My heart is cold, wants to leave
But I don't
My hands shake, holding tight
But I want to let go

I can't let go, I want to let go
I can't let go, I want to let go

When did "sure baby, I'll snuggle"
Turn into "nah, I'm more comfortable this way"?
When did "what's wrong Honey"
Turn into "what are you crying for, you have nothing to cry about"?
When did "I'll always be here for you"
Turn into "you were taking too long to get ready so I went by myself"?
When did the shoulder to cry on become the back turned away?
When did the "I love you's" become so heavy that it takes everything I have not to let them fall away into the cracks of my broken heart?
When did you realize that the love you had for me was not love at all,
That it was just a thought in your head?
Every day I try my best to give you what you need,
What you deserve,
And I'm trying to fill you up,
But I'm draining myself in the process.

Like a piece of paper with no marks,
Nothing interesting too look at,
Flawless is impossible
Unless it is fake
Flawless is never seen by the naked eye
You wonder why everyone has to try so hard
But I am not going to sit here and wait for someone to try and tell me to be that blank piece of paper,
To be boring,
To be something impossible because I am not
I am a beautiful watercolor painting,
Mostly blue,
I am the sea and the sky,
Painted with imperfections, I am
I am the wind made by careless markings,
The images in the clouds above the horizon,
I am the horizon, an imperfect spot where the sea and sky meet, I am the stars in the night
And I am the stars not seen,
I am a beautiful watercolor painting,
And sad is the person who refuses to see it.

Get high with me
You say
And I do
And we sit in the moonlight under millions of stars and talk about living and how we haven't been doing too well at that lately,
And we get so high that everything disappears,
Everything except the blink-182 on the radio and the beats in our chests,
Slow, slow almost crashing through our skin
You touch my hand, and I feel our heartbeats synchronize, the slow beats start to race each other,
Soon we fall asleep in the light of a million stars,
I wake to the feeling of your lips on my neck and I don't know how to tell you that I want more, so much more,
You smile that smile, and give me that
"Get high with me" look
And I do

Isn't it funny
How people notice the smallest things
Such as
The bruise on your face,
The bags under your eyes,
The spine showing through the back of your shirt,
The change in your behavior,
Isn't it funny
How people fail to notice some things
Such as
The sadness in your face when you're asked about your bruise, telling everyone that it's nothing, that it's okay, when you wish that you could scream from every inch of your body from the inside out that it is not okay to be abused,
Such as
The reason behind the bags under your eyes, the crying, the emptiness, the up all night, the smoking to keep your mind calm when it wants to climb out of your yellowing skin and go live somewhere else,
Such as
Going to the bathroom after every meal to look at yourself in the mirror and try not to think of the calories you just consumed, to try to throw everything back up and hope that nobody walks in or hears you from outside the door,
Such as
The things that they did to you before your behavior changed, how they moved on without you, while seeming so unfazed, and your world comes crashing down on you and no one seems to notice you, so
Tell me
Isn't it funny
How people notice the things that don't matter,
And avoid the things that do.

I'm just exhausted,

I can't bear to feel these words being stuck so far
down my throat anymore
I want to speak but the words will not escape
I feel trapped in my own skin
My blood boils,
I'm getting sick from the heat
I can't escape my thoughts
I can't eat, can't sleep

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner
I'm sorry that I just let you think
That I was fading with no explanation
Not kissing back,
Not speaking much,
I don't know what else to do

I'm exhausted,
But I still love you.

Do you know how it feels to want to speak, but no words will come out?
I try to talk to you, but when I think of what to say, my stomach turns,
I don't want to hurt you with my words, so I keep them buried.
They are buried so far in my throat, but they are floating in my mind.
These words are haunting me, and I can't get them out to anybody.
You ask 'Why won't you talk to me?' and I say 'I don't know'
Because I don't, but you won't believe me anyway.
I think of the perfect things to say, and then I keep thinking
About what your reaction will be,
About what you will say back to me.
Would you still love me the same if you knew my mind like I do?
I don't think so.

One
I smile
Two
You smile back
Three
"Have you ever been in love?" "Does that even exist?" "Do you want to get high?" "I thought you'd never ask."
Four
Looking into bloodshot eyes, your palms resting on my hips, you pull me close
So close that there's no room to think about him, no room to think about anything,
Not even the emptiness I have deep in my chest, hollowing me out like a cave
Five
You kiss my face and explore my body with your freckled hands
Six
My heart beats fast, pounding out of my chest, do I want this?
Seven
Yes I want this who am I kidding, this want is too strong it almost scares me, I cling to the thought of you like I have never wanted anything else
Eight
You tell me I have a beautiful body, the most beautiful body you've seen, and I don't believe you but I say I do
You can tell I'm lying
Nine
You're all I want,
But only until the high fades and I realize you're not him and then you tell me you love me and say you thought I loved you back
I don't
Ten
You're not him
You're not him
You will never be him

break me down to tiny pieces
like you always do
saw my bones in half with your contention,
sharp like a blade
kiss me with your razor-edged tongue
choke me with your greedy hands
pull me under, let me sink like a stone
let me bleed out this love I have for you
then sew me back up with your broken promises
burn the rough edges to make me look brand new

Sleeping in the same bed, but different worlds
Eyes fluttering away to dreams of being somewhere else, anywhere else,
Both hands on the steering wheel, instead of one in mine,
Taking every given chance to be somewhere else, and avoiding the "I miss you too's",
A cushion between us when we sit on the couch, watching tv just to ignore each other, wanting to speak, but the words are trapped so deep down my throat that it is easier just to swallow them,

These two different worlds that we are living in are fighting a war,
And no matter who wins, the war will come to an end and I don't know if I can handle the battle wounds left over.

Where he is
Is where I will be
Soaring past clouds
Or swimming in the sea

High above or
Down below
Where he is
Is where I will go

Because when it's all said and done
Who is there to love me
Who is there to give me their all,
To shelter me from this storm inside my head

When I repeat myself, trying to make you understand, to help you see why I'm hurting so deep,
I just want you to pay attention and care about what is causing me so much pain, but instead

Instead you say "why are you crying?"
And fall asleep facing the wall instead of me,
Without even waiting for a response