i had a type
you didn't fit
so i moulded it
to you

- p. winter

i dread the day you learn
for the first time that
you can't just love all
the darkness in me away

and no matter how much
you care i will still toss
and turn at night and scars
might still appear on my skin

i dread the day you realize
that you can't cure me
and sometimes all you can do
is stand next to me and
hold my hand through fog
pouring out of my ears so black
and thick we can't even see
each other's faces

i dread the days i can't
get out of bed
the days you want to
take me out and all
i can manage is a prettified
shell of myself

i dread the day you learn
that sometimes no matter
how hard i try i still can't
pull myself together

the day you learn that
there isn't an answer
you can give that will
save me from my fears

you aren't the first person
who has tried to love the
darkness inside away
my family and friends
have given it their all
but someday you too will learn
that if love could
cure mental illness
the world would be
a much better place

i'll tell you something, cat.
right now,
i just don't know where i'm at -
emotionally speaking,
everything is confusing
exhausting
testing, my patience
trying to teach me some lesson?
but i just want to be.
like you, you kn-
where'd you go?
seriously? seriously.
that dead yellowing half-eaten leaf
is more interesting than me.
okay.
guess i'll just be here
still talking
cat-less.

I remember
sometimes

her voice would quiver

like paper lanterns
dancing in some
foreign nighttime glow

I fancy
sometimes

I knew that sweet tremble

at a tea ceremony table
beneath Chinese skies
many years before

it first caressed my ear