When I said first I loved you between fits of laughter and goodbyes
Your face went sour and your eyes blank you shoved me past that threshold and closed me out

I didn't say it again for months and months
when I slipped and said those three a second time
it was like breaking a moms favorite vase

We didn't speak for awhile but so much was said in that absence of love
I still love you but never like you thought
And I won't correct that error in you

we moved in slow motion
I was running through the waves
and you were in the deep end

dragged to shore and into his arms
all I see is light in the night
you are the stars and the moon

we move at high speeds with such clarity
were tangled in the storm
dancing in the dust clouds

You weren't a summer love or a great Hollywood romance
You were cold February evenings and sweat pants
I was comfortable and that's the most dangerous when it comes to love
I knew your routine, how you liked your coffee, what side of the bed you preferred and what kept you awake at night

You were pancakes on Mondays at 3
You were who to call when I couldn't stop shaking
You were the one I screamed at when I needed to blame someone
You were my first kiss
They warn young girls about boys like you
But you weren't leather jackets and loud music
You were the opposite of it all

You are 3 am showers because I still can't wash you off 8 months later
You are mid day prayers asking god to give me strength not to cry when I see you in hall
You are why I can't believe someone could ever love me properly
You are why my Top 25 are all sad love songs played in a loop
That's what they don't tell you when they say breakups are hard
None tells you you'll write poems like this lying on the bathroom floor after you learn it was all for nothing

I remember when I was 12 years old my grandfathers friends told me to never let a man hurt me. I will always remember those words but what I didn't know was when I believed every word you whispered in my ear was more painful than I could imagine because there's no medicine for betrayal no cast for my heart no surgery that can take away the memories. Some pain isn't physical...

I'm screaming why why why why, I was worth it ******
You betrayed every whisper and every kiss, you betrayed us

8 months ago I removed your blade from my abdomen to let the blood flow and heal
Last night it tore itself back open to make sure it wouldn't be forgotten
My skin is pumping out sticky red blood and my mouth strangled sobs

I have nothing to say to you but why why why
Stuffing gauze in my wound like a plug for a bubble bath, I know how much we loved those
Painting smiles on to prove that your deed burned in the fire I lit

I'm on my hands and knees watering the blankets you proclaimed your love on to
Maybe it'll wash it away, maybe it'll scrub out the crap you told me every day and night
I haven't spoken to you in forver but the lies won't stop

oh baby why


*a.b

I want to be the one you struggle with and keeps you strong when you want to fall the one who keeps your eyes open for so long they start to burn
I want you every second of every day and I shove that deep down and away until I fall into my cotton plush and cry out your name like it's the last thing I'll ever say

I think it'll always be you at the end of my day and I'm not okay with that

The feeling of you has since been washed away by the rain of a thousand storms, but every once in awhile the wind blows across my face and I feel where you kissed my cheek every afternoon and I wince.

call me and ask me to go on a wild last minute adventure at 11 pm
whisk me up in your strong arms and hold me tight while we go through this together
chase me through the forest with headlamps and laughter guiding our way
burn down our painful past an walk across the coals to me
just be with me and let me be with you

So tell me are you screaming out if frustration in your head when I look at you
Do your hands get shaky when my emerald eyes cross over yours
Does your skin feel like a star reached down a kissed it after I grab your arm
Do you loose all ability to look me in the eyes because you might never be able to tear yourself away
Or is it just me?

my mouth is wrapped in the tape of social conduct
my hands cuffed in handbooks and rules

I'm standing on this balcony teetering on social suicide and endless solitude
Running away into my pen and paper because it's the only one who can listen

Numbers and phrases you paste on my forehead like a bandaid, your words hold weight but not to the strongmen
Im on my hands and knees screaming myself raw and the clueless raise a glass and tell another joke

The castle I've built in your arms is tumbling down I'm under siege from my allies
It's a slow death being inches from your legacy and thousands of miles away in your sacred heart

Thunder has never sounded more intimidating when it's your identity being clapped into my skull

I'm swallowing blood spilled from the screams that've torn down my throat and into my shaking hands

Your dotted line is written in lights burning into my serene lids reaching my deepest rests

Carving question marks into my flesh to ask when I have no words to throw into the seemingly endless void

I'm sprinting towards the isles of my future with only hope to illuminate the path I hope lies before me

My fingers are numb from grasping at these straws I can't seem to reach I can't even hold them long enough to have them slip away

I've got an aching soul to match my throat for I've been screaming your name endlessly into the void

Blisters adorn the feet I've been chasing after you on hoping you'll turn around someday

Lungs burning for each time you look at me I can't catch my breath and it feels like the oxygen was ****** from the room

Fire is burning across my cheecks when I see your eyes dance across my face

Give me a pocket dictionary becasue I can't seem to find the words on my own

        *a.l.n

When the world is asleep my body can't lay and join with the rest of them in dark peace and pricy duvets

The thought of your body tangled empty handed in your faded sheets makes my fingers itch for you

My head is screaming your name I swear you could hear it I'm worried I might start saying it aloud one day

It's getting late and I'm getting lonely or maybe I've been like this as long as I can remember

When the world is falling asleep I feel my soul waking up and everything is different when I'm the only one who sees it

my wet hair is slicked across my shoulders

it's liquid in the wind flipping out the car window in an unkown city

my eyes are bloodshot and burning like acid from my mistakes

the emerald of my eyes catches the light of a hundred moons

my body lies in twisted sheets and stained pajamas in a tiny bed

but my heart lies in another world where my adventure know no bounds

*a.l.n.