I was a caterpillar ,
before I became a butterfly .
The pain I had to endure in order to transform into the beauty I am today .
This is my tale .

In the forest there was,
My cocoon wrapped in the finest silk,
With a power to live in a colorful world.
To dream and conquer goals.
A Vivacious soul spinning in the purest silk
Growing and maturing as I spun.
Wishing for freedom with my beautiful wings,
Counting the days to be free and soar
as a lively butterfly
until
You winded into my community
Lured my queen and her uneven monarch.
Tempted to sabotage my purity.
For that you,
Lured yourself into my vulernable cocoon
with that trust,
you decided to disrupt my process.
How can one man ruin my nesting site?
And I had faith in you ,
to be a figure
I never had.
I wanted.
My heart ached for it.
I needed it.
To be loved .
To be nurtured.
To never be like those stray dogs
looking for a home.
This was the moment .
Where....
Innocence stripped, heart captured.
My Freedom gone.
You were naive to comprehend
On what you were doing...
You would stab my cocoon
with your sickening poison .
Over and over you stabbed .
Ruptured the veins of my innocence .
To break my finest silk .
Purity banished.
Stabbing your poison was
Making my cocoon
useless ,
worthless ,
unwanted,
colorless,
I tried to run and I tried to scream
but I was devoured by this poison
It was the love I deserve.
Couldn't escape , numb to the pain
For every poison injected, I began to
Question God?
Where was he ?
when I shed out a tear of help.
Where was he?
when my cocoon was destroyed.
Was I loved God?
when I muffled help in your name.
I hated myself ,
I stay in my cocoon
afraid to see my future.
I wasn't going to be a beautiful butterfly
Battered Butterfly
My life seemed to be colorless
No one wants a battered butterfly
My life....
It seemed it had ended
when poison sunk onto my helpless body .
No one wants a battered butterfly
Imprisoned to these chains.
Being poisoned every night by different
Predators.
Oh God....
Those predators ...
Battered lifeless little butterfly
Was I ever loved in my nesting site?
But then again nobody loves a battered butterfly
How can I reach to heaven when
I was worthless.
Believed I was a vile *****.
Tricked into a poison of hell.
Battered Ugly Butterfly
***** Little butterfly.
There was no light in tunnel
There was no holes in my silk
To escape this poisonous nest.
Why?
Because I believe nobody wants save a battered butterfly
How can the man I trusted ruined me.
I thought you could be the one to complete my lovely monarch .
To complete the missing piece.
But you continued to misuse me.
To haunt me.
To barricade my heart
To own my soul
But one thing I can truly say
You never once won over me.
You never imprinted my change.
I endured your pain
That was a sign of God
To show me what strength I am capable of.
That was the light that I found,
You had no control to inflict pain anymore.
Because I became impervious to your pain.


I am a beautiful butterfly
reigning over my monarch
with no thought of you.
**That is my freedom

I remember when I lost myself. I was living to impress people who didn’t care whether I lived or died. It got to the point where you look in the mirror and you don’t recognize yourself. A friend of mine came over one night a long time ago because I was depressed. We talked about how I felt conflicted because I wanted to be myself to the fullest all the while still want to impress everybody else. I wasn’t happy at all. My friend stood me in front of my bathroom mirror and said "Mandie, look at yourself, do you like who you see in the mirror? If you do then you got nothing to worry about, if you don’t then there is a problem and you need to fix it before it’s too late. Do you know who you are?“ I looked at myself and I started to cry because I didn’t like who I saw, not because I thought I was ugly but because the kind of person I was at the time was not me. What scared me the though was not being able to put myself into words. I would describe myself but I wasn’t describing me I was describing my friends and their traits because I did everything to please them. In my past relationships I did stuff to impress whoever I was with because I wanted that person to like me. I had to change. So I cut myself off from everything, spent weeks alone, writing goals and things I wanted to change about myself. When I went to the store for clothes I taught myself to buy stuff I wanted to wear not what my friends wanted me to wear. Slowly I started letting my "friends” see the changes I was making and instead of supporting me they got mad because I wasn’t living my life according to their standards. So I lost friends. So what? Over time I found myself happier, confident, I wasn’t dealing with drama and I made some new friends, friends who were in my shoes and didn’t have anyone to cheer them on through their challenges. It took me a very long time to find myself and I guess I am still finding myself but breaking free from everyone’s expectations is on my list of the best choices I ever made.

I had always told you I will always love you
Even longer than you promised to love me.
You said you loved me more than the sun does the moon,
But my love had depth greater than the sea.

You said you'd love me for more days
Than there were stars in the night sky.
And I said I'd love you a trillion more days
After the instant you were to die.

My heart had brought me to the final conclusion
That you and I will be together.
But the thoughts in my mind reminded me
That there isn't a thing that lasts forever.

I wish to let go of these haunting truths
So there isn't a day we would be apart,
But you never understood me well enough to know
I think with my mind & not with the heart.

i am surrounded
by such beautiful faces  
and delicate bones.
and to come
across the thought
that there is a
broken heart
behind their comforting eyes,
makes me weak.
and behind fragile arms
are scars.
and i dont feel any pain,
or the need to  f a d e  away
but why are such beautiful faces,
so far into the obscurity?
and why do they have the most
insecurities
and
incomplete happiness?