And during these dark, empty nights,
I find myself colder than the floor of my room.
When the morning wind caresses my naked legs,
The warmth of the blanket, an armor pierced through.

My soul, once a kingdom of carnations,
Is now empty, drought has left it barren.

And yet, there was a time
When we both wandered
Through fields of red carnations.

I don't know what I wanted
I don't know why I wanted
Your words are wanted

I don't know what you wanted
I don't know why you wanted
My words were not wanted

I didn't know why I offered
I didn't want to offer
Your words made me offer

You didn't know what to offer
you didn't want to offer
My words didn't make you you offer

I'm exited for Autumn I said
Not only for the apple or pumpkin pie
Not for the warm clothes or the cold morning air,
Nor the cinnamon swirling in the tea I prepare
Or the little raindrops that mess up my hair

It's when the skies turn gray
When the sun hides away
When the leaves fill our streets
Once clinging high on towering trees
Now naked, their branches weak
And in their barness, we meet

A tree is what I become
A tree is what I love to be

Leaves that once clung to me , I now lost
I chase them, even if I  detested how they felt
I weep believing they were mine to keep
Though old, letting poison in deep

And autumn knew what I failed to see
It's voice surrounding me:

Behold, don't cling to brittle lies
Now you have room to breath
Now you can grow to be green
Come the spring ,at last you'll see

Though I ache as the branches bend
I'll long for autumn again at the end

I yearn for what they fail to see
futile arguments break their bonds
High pitched voices break their trust
Chasing ego rather than love

Is it youth or purity
To think that if you were near, if you were here

I would talk with whispers
Soft enough to make your body limp

I would run my fingers in your skin delicately
easing your breath

walk each step beside you sinking our steps
and press my mouth to yours every chance I get

draw you into my chest
And let your weight drown into mine

I'd look into your eyes and promise
That our "we" will not be like "Theirs"

And when I was far from home,
in another land, with Travelers who rented about their homes, I remembered you.

I remembered how warm you were.
From one plate to another, my tongue could taste them all.my mother’s fingers kneading dough, separating couscous grains, the annoying heat when she decided to make Mhadjeb.

I could taste every sweet they once made:
Bradj, Baghrir, Kalb El Louz. even the Eid sweets we used to steal at night with cousins and siblings, all of us in matching Jebbas, lying on mattresses on the floor.

We cried from holding in our laughter, gossiping about family drama, who married who, who said what, and our own little dramas too. dancing to our songs:
Chaabi, Gharbi, Staifi, even rai.

How lovely were the times in the kitchen, baking and cooking,while peeking at both our mothers’ drama, and our fathers’ political debates.

I remembered strangers on the street,their humility, their kindness,proof that goodness still exists. And I still believe,
I still believe in the good.
I still believe in you.

So that my childhood will never fade,
I will listen to your songs,
wear your clothes,
drink your tea,
eat your food,
speak to your people,
to never forget
my love for you.

I will never truly know how to write

As it being the only way I can feel Serene

But now it's harder to make you feel what I feel

You'll never be here

I'll never be there

We will not hold each other

And I don't think you'll even care