i don't think i would be alive right now if it wasn't for art. art has kept me sane as not just a thing we create, but as a person. because in reality, art is a person, right? i mean, its you and me and the things we like and dislike. the art of poetry and words. the art of painting, drawing. the art of moving on; of falling in love. the art of a chord on a piano and the found of an f sharp on the violin. the art of patience, dignity. sadness, love, hike, realism- its all art. the world in my eyes is a canvas slowly being made into a new form of art.
today, i was in downtown toronto on a school trip with a couple of friends. we were surrounded by vast and tall, tall buildings, and it made me wonder that anything and everything is art. a hand to hold at 4pm. the way skin glides and rubs against skin is deep and intimate art. ugliness is art, for ugly souls have one hell of a harsh character. the rain is art, and so are the tress and churches and its values, our bodies and souls, a piano and sakura trees and essentially all their is - art.
beauty, hope, sadness, love - in the best and worst of people. how extraordinary.

-art.

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there is something about the way the trees dance in the wind and how that exact same breeze grazes your skin, makes you shiver, causing you to crawl under your blankets to warm you at night and to shield you from everything bad. there is something miraculously wonderful and beautiful about that. you listen to your favourite bands but they can't seem to explain why this is happening, and yet we are all just stars in a galaxy and once the light dies out no one will flinch except the hearts that we have touched the most and i guess thats why hearts will oddly skip a beat at 4am on a saturday morning. lungs will die out; skin deteriorating but thats okay because i'm sure there is something beyond what our eyes can see. like when people make bucket lists when really they are subliminally planning out near-by life goals. and unfinished novel is processed so you can pick up the pen one day and write again. write until your hand starts bleeding, your heart stops beating. funny how people always complain about the noises cars create and they never stop to hear the sound of trees, brushing leaf against leaf in a summer breeze. there is nothing poetic about a messy room although i wish it could be- i would use it as a metaphor to show that my life is changing slowly. new rims on cars, new boys, new city lights to gaze upon, 12 am walks by yourself with lonely cigarettes and empty words lost in a fire raging society of *** and abuse but i can't seem to put my finger on who. fake tattoos and dark purple bruises. quiet nights yet you feel like the walls caving in. extreme voices in your head. disorders are not poetic but if it brings true awareness i hope one day it will be. do not mask your scars, instead count them. eventually you will die and old soul and smiling child and your stars the remain will continue to shine on for you.

-next i will count the planets

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you made me into something i always hated and despised. you made me feel like i was easy to love, but then you turned around and complained about age and pointed out i was too young. i hate that you were the nicest out of all the men i saw and yet you managed to break my heart faster than anyone ive ever known. "sorry" is not found in your vocabulary and right now i wish it was. its not that i dont love you but instead its a question of if i should or shouldnt. your yelling shook the ground and shattered my world and now i feel disgusted with myself. you are 18 and i am 15 but i think ive seen enough to know where this is going and if you plan to leave please do so now so you take not my heart but maybe puncture a vein. i am nothing but a half dead corpse who has taught herself how to both breathe and fade away because i am not ready to be in love or out of it but i am scared that you will lose patience and leave. i am sorry that i am unappreciative or cruel, i am just slowly fading away.

-mixed thoughts

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I'm falling in love with you
But I can't help but want him
I'm human and I'm young
He looks at me and I feel at home
But I talk to you and I feel free

He hurt me more than I can say
I never cried over him
Not until I felt my heart for the first time
In I don't know how long

But you
I didn't realize it but you picked up my heart
And gave me the shattered pieces
And I pieced it slowly
You talked me through it
And you held my hands while I held my heart
And with you I can't stop smiling

But tonight
When I saw him
I wanted to kiss him
I wanted to hold him down
I wanted nothing more than for him to say
I love you

So what do I do?

Why do i do this to myself?

I want you.
In silence i beg for your attention.
I just wanna be able to love you & treat you right.

You push me away.
Every chance you get.

I cry myself to sleep sometimes
Cause the feeling of unwantedness you bring to me drives me insane.

Why don't you reply?
Why don't you want me?

Your words say one thing
Your actions say another

Your hands create a beautiful story on my body.
Your lips makes the butterflies in my stomach go crazy.

In the morning you disappear...

I just want to love you like you deserve.

you can't say I never tried
i stayed with you through the most challenging times
i stayed with you when all around me wanted me to leave
all I ever did was ride for you until you crashed the car
at one point you cared but then you just stopped
our sun was shining then the rain poured down
a flood came and it washed away your feelings
and it washed away you
don't try to pretend you care
that facade is poorly made
I know you babe and I know when things have changed
there's no more anticipation in your voice when we talk on the phone, no enthusiasm
a 'hey' and 'sup' is all I get these days
So I'm packing up all my feelings and I'm leaving
you're not happy and that's not making me happy
I summed up all my courage to leave you
so you can be happy
cause you deserve that much, and so do I
I hope you know that every single fiber of my being loves you
and I hope you find someone who loves you so much more
that you will give all you have
do for her what you couldn't do for me.