I wrap my fingers around the stem, and pick a flower
I crush it in the palm of my hand
And as I bring my palm up to my nose
I still don’t understand
Why death brings sorrow and happiness
Why no one cares
Until the candle of life is snuffed out
And never seen again?

I kick a rock along the road, and it scuttles into a ditch
My back and head hurt
From trying to process why
We’d kick someone till they quit.
I still don’t understand
Why we’re all so dissonant
We think it’s normal and acceptable
To mock or fake innocence.

I kiss someone’s neck, and they moan
I feel self-conscious
When some stare or even comment
On that person and I’s business.
I still don’t understand
Why pleasure is considered a luxury
I thought we all deserved
To feel relaxed and happy.

I walk alone at night, and I’m not scared
I keep that to myself
Because I’m expected to cower in terror
If I bump into someone else.
I still don’t understand
Why I’m expected to be afraid
Of walking whenever I want to
Cos men do that every day.

I put on a flattering outfit, I smile at the mirror
I sneak out the door
Cos if I’m around the wrong people
I get labelled as a *****.
I still don’t understand
Why I can’t be sexually free
When men are often like that
They’re ‘behaving normally.’

Sometimes I don’t understand anything, about anything
I’m often left confused
By the everyday events around me
I often feel spent and used.
I still don’t understand
Why this world won’t accommodate me
Instead it’s tirelessly tried
To force me into conformity.

4th November 2017

I walked a lone, secluded path
It began to storm
I huddled and waited for the roar to pass
Since the day I was born.

I listened for the rain
It screamed angry words
It tore at my clothes and
Beat me with hurt.

I saw a girl standing
Leaning against a tree
I was awed by her calmness
And who she might be.

I approached her
Rather timidly
Because she was steadfast
And I was unsteady.

She saw me looking
And her eyes beckoned me
So I dashed through the rain
Rather oafishly.

'The rhythm is soothing'
She remarked nonchalantly
I watched her lips move
And stood listening.

‘What brings you here?’
She asked me.
I told her my life story;
She warmly embraced me.

I wanted to kiss her
But I was too shy
My plans had so suddenly
Went awry.

Fleetingly, the rain ceased.
After four heartbeats
She kissed me adieu.


27th October 2017

I hate being maternal
I hate being fearful
I hate being traumatised
I hate being quiet.

I hate my attraction to men
Because it makes me fearful
That I’ll have kids
And they’ll be neglected, empty and loveless.

I hate being anxious
I hate losing control
I hate my upbringing.

If it weren’t for the confusion
And the belting and the yelling
I wouldn’t be scared.

I hate my attraction to men
Because it made me fearful
I was told that they’re rapists
And they’d take advantage of me.

I hate being weak
I hate being gendered
I hate looking and feeling small.

I wish I was only attracted to women
Because I’d be less fearful
I wouldn’t worry about having kids.

I hate feeling inadequate
I hate feeling like a machine
I hate feeling weak.

I wish conversion therapy worked
Because I hate being attracted
To any man who might hurt me
Or force me to have kids
Or force me to be his slave
Or refuse to accept who I am.

I hate being viewed as a woman
I hate when I try to express affection
Women laugh at it, and men take it the wrong way.

I hate being invalidated
As a non-binary person
Who doesn’t want to cause anyone pain.

I hate ****** attraction towards men
Because if it weren’t for self-control
I’d dig my own grave
And possibly that of unwarranted children.

I hate being an unhappy child
Because if I was raised lovingly
I wouldn’t be anxious
I wouldn’t be cursing my sexuality
For including men

Because I wouldn’t be scared
Of having kids
Cos I’d know I would raise them
The happy way I was raised.

If I was raised lovingly,
I know I’d raise kids that way too
And they wouldn’t suffer
They wouldn’t blame me
And the cycle of raising kids lovingly
Would be passed on throughout generations.

Tell me I’m exaggerating
But my dad swore
He wouldn’t raise me
The way his father raised him.

But I was terrorized
By his beltings
Just like the ones
His father gave him.

So I hope you understand
Why I hate part of my sexuality
And why for the good of others
I don’t want kids.

I want to stop this cycle
Of fear, pain and suffering
Even if it ends me.
Even if no-one remembers me.

It’s good for my conscience
To say this right here and now
I hate being scared
And I’d hate for anyone
To be afraid of me.


11th October 2017

Her skin is a pillow for my head
Her words brighten my dusty corners.
Her hand guides me as we run
Through rivers and borders.

If every dream I wished on came to life
So be here and then.
If I could, I would sleep next to you
For hours on end.

She is the summer breeze
She whispers lullabies in my ear.
She’s the flowers in yonder fields, soaking up the sun.
She’s the smile on my face
And the mimic of children’s pace.
She is youth and beauty dear
She’s a song that’s almost sung.

Real and imagined,
You brighten both skies.
I put my arms in the air
To feel the sun rise.
Take a deep breath, as you slow dance.
Lie down and together
Disappear in the blades of grass.

You are the summer breeze
Whispering lullabies in my ear.
You’re a flower in yonder field
Soaking up the sun.

26th-30th May 2017

A rose by another name is just as plain
A rose in another vase is just as dead
And here I am pretending, nothing’s wrong with me.

If I don’t see what I want to see
If I don’t hear what I want to hear
What use is it if I speak, and you don’t hear me?

Don’t hear me out if I’m lifeless
Don’t look the other way
If you see that I’m struggling to breathe.

I fight to stay focused, you fight to be blameless
I close my eyes when I start to sink.

If I don’t see what I want to see
If I don’t hear what I want to hear
What use is it if I lose it, and you ignore me?

I am not an object, I am not a vessel of pain
I deserve life, even if I’m worthless.

I scream, I cry, I will not die
You won’t ignore that I’m there
No one will tell me I’m a waste of air.

Don’t cut me down, and expect me to wither away.

10th September 2017

I don’t know how to go on
I don’t know if I will
Even if I did
Would I be the same still?
I don’t run away
From what I said or did today.

But let me know if you think
You’ll change your mind
Just for today
In loving memory of yesterday.

Because I feel the yearning
To become clean
From what plagues my mind
To what I mean.

When I say I don’t want
To stay away
From what brings back memories
I wish you’d pray.

You don’t have to believe
To see what I see.
You don’t have to pretend
You don’t understand.

Just let me know if you think
You’ll change your mind
And leave our plans
And daydreams behind.
Just be here, not yesteryear
To commemorate parting from yesterday.

Oh yesterday
Oh yesterday
Oh yesterday
It won’t go away
She won’t go away
I won’t go away.

Just hold this hand
And look at those stars.
Best friends forever
Is simply a farce.

Dear, oh dear
It’s thoughts that count
Nothing matters much
When your life is doubt.

Dear yesteryear
Loving yesteryear
You go by as fast as yesterday.
Forgotten friend
Forgotten sunset
Let’s pretend yesterday’s here yet.

29th August 2017

Building up tension
Knocking it down.
Pins are quiet
We’re making sound.

Rollercoaster
Smile or frown.
Swaying and focused
Upside down.

Lip gloss stains
On the wall.
Aches and pain
Break your fall.

Laughter outside
Playing games.
Going inside
When it rains.

Do or die
Next to you.
I’d rather be
Till we’re through.

Lip gloss stains
On the wall.
Aches and pains
Break your fall.

Lip gloss stains
On my shirt.
Bruises bloom
Barely hurt.

You’re fine
You’re prime
You’re mine
Paradigm.

You’re fine
You’re prime
I’m yours
For shores.

Long hair
Short hair
Don’t care
Don’t spare

Long hair
Short hair
Repair
Compare.

Lip gloss stains
Post-night pains.

29th July 2017