I've had relationships with many others after you
And in each one it's you I see all the way through.
I sometimes see your eyes or your smile
And that's what makes it all worthwhile.

But the boy I met the other day
He makes your image fade to gray.
Because when I look into his blue eyes
They aren't like yours in disguise.

hey
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we haven’t talked in a while
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weeks
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maybe even months, actually
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truth is, i can’t remember the last time we talked
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and, wow this going to sound crazy, but
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i saved our last conversation. i keep reading over it, trying to figure out where i went wrong
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but i can never find it
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i can never find that one place where i ******* up, where i said something wrong, where i did something to tear us apart, or make you hate me.
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and it *****, it really does.
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matter of fact, “*****” isn’t a strong enough word to describe how awful it is
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or how awful i feel
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hurt
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betrayed
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used
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and do you want to know what the worst part is?
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the worst part, aside from the fact that i can’t figure out where i went wrong, is that, even after all of this
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i still love you
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i have loved you, i love you now, and i’m pretty **** sure i will love you in the future.
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and i guess that’s half of what i came here to say.
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but it’s obvious that you don’t feel the same.
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and so i suppose that the other half of what i came here to say
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is goodbye.
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and though i’m sure that all your love for me has faded
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and that my name hasn’t slipped off your ******* long time
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all i ask of you is one thing
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just don’t forget me.
**Delivered 10:46 p.m.

You felt like warm tea with a shot of hard whiskey.
You are my hot liquor and want to down the bottle.
You made me drunk, leaving my body loose and my soul exposed.
I guess that is why I gave myself to you.

You are not here anymore but now I am an alcoholic.
Every day I would have more and more the closer we got to our one year.
I fell in love with my drunken state of having you around.
I became blind to the fights and the fading of your love.
Its been a week since I last felt the burn going down my throat.
I claw at my neck hoping it would feel the same.
Nothing will ever feel the same.

So 2014 has pretty much ****** 100% since it started. It's one of those things that I silently think to myself "It can't get any worse" but then catch myself because I know that's not true. Every few weeks it seems I am being dealt another situation to deal with in addition to the extreme burden I am already carrying around.

Life is so overwhelming right now I almost cannot even think about it all at once.  I do not want to trigger myself into having a panic attack. I am doing my best to take it day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. I do not even know which way to turn anymore or how to even start to cope.

I really have tried to trust others and rely on them for help and support but…honestly…maybe I do not know how to do that? Am I picking the wrong people or is it me??? Seems like I am there for everybody else but nobody is here for me now.

New symptoms, worrying about what it all means…dealing with ****** healthcare…doctors not as concerned as I am…seriously how much blood is normal to cough up before I can get a Dr to give a ****! Going on Day 3 of feeling like I have been hit by a semi-truck. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

I surrendered…

this is not some love story
a boy will not come and save you and he will not kiss the scars on your thighs.

this is not a movie
someone isn't going to save you from your demons,
or think your illness and addiction is beautiful.

this is not a fairytale
you will not save yourself from the voices,
or the jabbing pain in your stomach
or the shaking of your body for that quick release.

this is real life
and nothing will save you except for the pills that the doctors put you on that helps you with your mood swings, and unwillingness to get out if bed every morning.  

this is not poetry.

self harm scars are not lovely.
sadness is not beautiful.
and demons are not glorious.
stop trying to make mental illness a great thing to have.
so if you glorify self harm and sadness, stop being a ******* ******* because it isn't ******* beautiful.

nothing is beautiful about voices in your mind that tell you to take a blade to your skin, and nothing is beautiful about morning rolling around and you contemplate being "sick", or jumping out into traffic just in time to get hit by a bus just so you can escape life.
this is not beautiful.