She came clean to me in a shower of lies,
                                                as she took away my sins
She let me *** deep down her throat,
                             as she swallowed every last drop of hope left in me
My mind races, desperate to make sense of it all
          losing to despair
Artificial loved ones whose faces melt without warning
     my destruction is revealed
Another bright eyed lifeless corpse, crying for help
      blood of their last victim
        dripping from their unfulfilled promises
            of love and affection

She left me in an empty house full of bed bugs
They crawl up through my stomach and into my heart,  
      that part where you used to live
                     making pain seem like home
           Was I ever the rays to your sunshine?
                     Did I ever fulfill the troth you left with me years ago?

Too much life runs through my veins.  A very poison in itself.
Lost and confused I turn my own sharp anger and hatred to my chest.  
Ready to cut forth my beating empty heart.  
If my chest were a cannon, and my heart were shot,
   I would fire my very soul upon thee,
              loaded with unfathomable love
                     and primed with bitter contempt

What is it worth to you?
That moment
That day
that feeling
That last breath of a childhood gone erased?

What is it you would give to live again?
Your skin perhaps?
The eyes in which the world beholden you
Or maybe the leg you stand so firm in your own self-righteousness

For just one more moment to live again

What is a memory?
What is a thought?
Is it the fear of losing the trees to the sky?
Is it the darkness inside out?


The pain clouds my thoughts, closing in
I cannot bleed, cannot hemorrhage
Cruel irony runs through my veins now
And hate
My mind races with the corruption of fear
I am no longer me
I am no longer you
I am


If I were the sun and you were the ocean,
     we could meet at dusk and drink of each other
in bliss and warm familiar chaos
Will you die to me?

I love you like the moon loves the tide
     Like the morning dew loves the
             glistening touch of the early morning fall sun
                           The sins of a beautiful soul

                                                forgotten again

My body is the vessel in which your story shall be known
Pages of flesh, written into decay and eventually, the earth
My soul, laden with the stains of my own admonishment is where your sins will be laid to bear
When the hands approach thrice, vengeance will be so swift
When the arm reach up for the trinity, the viscous brutality of my vengeance will be unmatched if not only by it's own depravity and indifference
When the clock strikes three, and the darkness of your chambers begin to close in all around you and you hear the whispers of what you already knew
It will be in that moment, in the moment that is yours and yours alone that you will know

I am consumed
Too much hurt
Anger
At myself
Hate
At my choices
Disappointment
at my strength
I am my own disaster
At my own hand
Today, but not tomorrow
Tomorrow the sun will rise again

Why is it I'm drawn to her knowing how it will end?
Why do I miss her after she has flagrantly and knowingly done
        things that have wounded me so?
Why does my strength wane after just a few days?  
Her words have finally found there way through the barriers I have
        put around my ears, eyes and heart

The embers of her lies ignite the ashes of my now shattered heart,  
        breathing life into my lifeless corpse

I bleed
Oh, how I bleed
I bleed now these words onto page as my fingers sail across my
       keyboard.  
I bleed my inner most thoughts and feelings, bearing my soul to
        strangers passing by this post in some desperate hope for
              validation
Seeing me across the vast gap that lies between what I know and
        what my heart will not accept.

It is not tomorrow yet
But today
Why does she cry?
What makes her wail so?
Was it me?
Should I be punished?

The wind breaks on the shore like glass on my memory
Sand is forgotten to time like so many martyrs
They throw themselves upon the sword of my own paranoia
Bleeding lies

Again I am besieged
surrounded yet alone
These context have trapped me so
Who are you-you who steadily tip toes through my eyes
         and inner-most desires?
Are you the demon I've been chasing?

I wish I had flowers and gifts for you
   A whole room full that was well arranged
But if you think that I've forgotten you
  That thought is quite insane!
I may not have much money,
  and all my credit cards are dead
You're partial to gifts of labor(not paid for with paper)
   So I wrote you this instead:

If you could see inside myself,
  My heart, My head, My soul
You would see the fear I have of you
  of a burning love that's beyond my control.
If you could only hear my thoughts,
  Morning,
       night
          and day
You'd see how much I love you,
  no one on Earth could lead me astray!
For earth alone does not bound my love, if there're chicks on planets far beyond
  You have no need to worry- I still would not Respond!
Even if they were hot and green, just like that Star Trek show,
   And if they tried to correspond, my answer would still be "No"!
"Pack it in you *****-*** hoes," is what I would decree
"None of you even have a chance, Brenda's the only one for me!"
As we walked away, we would laugh and say,
(And I think you will agree)
"They gave Captain Kirk a mess of herps'
      and Spock got Hepatitis B!"

Darkness creeps in as the sun sets on my being
it envelopes my existence and thoughts like ivy unchecked
Drowning without panic, I breath in deeply
I hear a car.  Is that you, my love?  Have you come home to me?
the neighbor's car door closes with crushing disappointment
Phantom footsteps of a love that once was,
again; the wind reveals itself in the blowing leaves
Spring has grown cold with the warmth of winter's frozen sun
as the last of midnight's dew clings to morning's end  like mother's breast
Your name is heard often, spoken by quiet silence
our road has been long, through many a valley and peak
memories of our once endless happiness are now cold to the touch
the lonely road takes me to the horizon
My home is there
Beyond despair
Relief from a love so
So pure
So rare

The Two-sided mirror

Reeling from your loss, realization sets in like rigor mortis
You're gone
You never could have loved me
I know I will carry the scars till the end of time
Ashamed, I turned my face away from the world
I should've seen this coming.  I should've read the signs

I never dreamed I could find love on a cliff so high
To soar with birds.  To drink of wispy clouds as they do
It was all a lie
I did not take flight with wings made of your warm embrace, as I had thought
          No
It was cruel intent that lifted me up, only to drop me hard
My bones and heart break as I land on the sky


I couldn't understand.  Couldn't understand what makes your blood so cold
I still can't
Grasping for reason like air under water
Only to breath lies to myself
So desperate for reason.  My heart would not accept what I already knew
Without words you told me everything:  “Run away from me.  I will hurt you”
I was starving for answers and you fed me lies. Taking you back again.  Deja Vu

Like watching someone else, disconnected my actions do not become me
I've grown weak
I've succumbed to the poisonous exposure of your smile.
Of your laugh
          of your tears
               of your past
                   of your pain
A sickness from which there is no cure.  I will recover, not
Are you afflicted as well?  Is it my lips you taste when he kisses you?  

Listening to our songs, I can't hear them over the keystrokes of this eulogy of our forgotten love.  
Like the loud deafening and sharp song of a smithy's hammer on an anvil made of my flesh, hate and strength are forged like cold steel, quenched in an empty bucket of dried tears
Just another faceless voice reaching out with hands made of electronic ink
Quietly searching in vein to be heard by the only eyes that can hear them in the vast digital vacuum of the internet.....

Again these words escape me
Escape my depths as my lips fly across the keyboard
“Release me”
Eyes no longer worthy of this world
Of this life
Of this death
What is to become of him?


Again; nonsense rattles away as I can hear her breathing
Her fluttering heart beats in tune with mine.
I can  feel her love
It's warm

Today is just tomorrow when we find it
Today is just yesterday when we forget it
Today is the first time I've ever seen life
Today is the first day I no longer fear death

For the time is not mine to keep
Impassable mortor keeps me at bay
The smell of fear like the waves of high tide
crashing upon the rocky shore that was my life
My judgment was passed before your words were spoken
Oh, my love- how I bleed for you
Is that your blood as well?  Do you shed for me as well?
I have left nothing
Proverbial dust in the wind
For it is not for everyone to leave their stain upon the play