Let me post a selfie
how's my hair
makeup
angle
filter
how do I look
did I get likes yet?
Let me post a status
one about how much I love my besties
another on how I learned a new lesson
now here's a photo of my breakfast
I have to comment
like
poke
post new updates
every day
becuase that's just what you do nowadays,
that's just how it goes
because we're all so afraid
if we don't keep posting
if we don't get those likes
and invites
and pokes
and fill up our messages
and notifications,
that we're going to be forgotten.
That if we don't solidify our presence
on social media
then we don't have a presence at all.
We spend so much time
trying to make other people
think we exist,
that we never end up existing at all,
not really.
We don't need all these people
and confirmations
to tell us we exist.
we already do.
If only it weren't so easy to forget that.

You make me want to be small again.
To shrink in size so that you may carry me
and wrap me up in your arms.

You make me want to be vulnerable.
To dream a nightmare so that you will hold me
and tell me it will be okay.

But the most beautiful thing
is that you don't need me to be small or vulnerable.
Because you do it anyway.

i haven't looked in your eyes in so long i forgot how once they could make me barely breathe,
and how many times did we watch the sunset together?
but you never really watched the sun,

because i was the sun to you.

one day we're going to see each other again
and we'll go out to eat to catch up

and you'll be trying to decide what to pick off the menu
     because you've always been indecisive when ordering

and I'll have already chosen what I wanted
     because I always pick out what to have before I get to the restaurant

and you'll chose and I'll order and you'll talk and I'll laugh and the food will come

and I won't be able to eat

Because throughout the whole night, all the thinking and the talking and the laughing

the whole time

all I have been thinking about is the way you used to look at me

take one shot for every time you look in the mirror and you're disgusted by what you see
take two shots for every time you desperately seek the scale that's been hidden from you
you feel weak but have you lost weight?
what's your number?
what's your number?
who are you?
what's your number?
seeking to find a numeral definition
finding it means knowing and the lower the more worthy
the lower the less grasping at porcelain the less disgust in the mirror
less to grab, less to hold,
fading and fading until you're gone

maybe the number will reach zero some day and i'll be one with the stars and i'll be held by the sisters of Pleiades and they'll stroke my hair and tell me how nice it was for me to drop by

You are not what I am looking for
not the flashlight in a power outage
not my mother’s hand when crossing a busy street
not a glass of wine in the middle of a stressful week.

You are not kind or creative
you are not clever or desirable
you are not unique.

You are drunk
pulling on my skirt
pleading for permission that I’m too weak to deny

I am trying to blend in with the walls
as I watch you stumble down the hall to grab my waist
You are not what I am looking for.

You are bored and pessimistic
you are "I love you" one night
you are “I don’t want you” the next day
either way you are hovering over my chest
your fingers laced with my flesh
you are not what I am looking for.

You are a broken promise
you are the winter tree who refuses to grow leaves again the spring
you don’t believe in seasons
you are resistant to any change.

You are “I’ll stop” but never when you should
you are leaving me before I have the chance to leave you
running down the stairs screaming “catch me if you can”
unaware that I am anchored to my stance.
you are not what I am looking for.


You are a text that I usually leave blank
you are the shot of whiskey that finally leaves me drunk in the passenger seat of your car
you are playing really awful music
really loud.

You are “please, just this once” until 4 a.m.
I say “then will you let me sleep”
you smile as you steal opportunity from my heavy eyelids
you are an empty coffee cup and an awkward silence
the following morning
you are not what I am looking for.

You are “What if I never fall in love”
you are “I don’t want to be alone”
you are chain smoking  after an argument
you are using me
you are uncertainty
you are not what I am looking for.

I miss the rain.
The heat these days is intolerable.
California is spoken of as a paradise,
But it’s splendor
Is wasted on me.
Truly, I am a fish out of water.

I used to miss the mountains.
The isolation back then was awful.
Hawaii is spoken of as a paradise,
But it’s wonders
Lost their luster to me.
Truly, I was a bird with clipped wings.

Someday I will miss the sun.
One day the clouds will be miserable.
Washington is spoken of as a paradise,
But it’s thunder,
Will cease to boom for me.
Truly, I will be a drowning daisy.