I lay awake at night,
Pondering how paths diverged,
With the underlying question
Of what could have been

If only you had been there,
Guiding as a father should,
Perhaps then I wouldn't feel
Like a mere void in existence.

I cannot face my reflection,
Without questioning my essence,
Trying on masks, seeking one unbroken,
In the labyrinth of self-discovery.

It's all so vexing,
A lamentation of lost chances,
I resort to scars to uncover,
What remnants of you remain.

And the ache intensifies,
Knowing siblings exist, but unseen,
Do they yearn for connection,
Do they dream of knowing me?

Why must I be ensnared,
In this cycle of longing,
I endure the weight of ignorance,
Of a life left unexplored.

I wish these emotions could resonate,
And impart the depth of my sorrow,
You do not merit the title of father,
You are but a stranger I regret "knowing"

Hello to the 3-year-old who lost innocence early,
Losing a world of purity and light.
Now grown, shedding a face set to default
For one deemed "acceptable"

What does your true face resemble now,
As you mold to fit in?
Do you still grasp the understanding of your expressions?

The thoughts haunting your mind,
Are they the norm you perceive?
Staring at the ceiling,
Heart fluttering in panic.

Is it fear that grips you,
Or a fleeting relief?
Does the weighty silence
Lead you to seek solace in music?

Where do you wander
As rhythms loop endlessly?

A day will dawn, breaking
This cycle of self-neglect.
How will transformation manifest?
A lily in hand, turning crimson,
Or finding peace amidst wilted petals?

Eyes meet with supposed warmth,
Yet fear misconstrues as judgment.
The first syllable of your name
Raises goosebumps of dread.

Visible and heard, unwanted,
In the unmerciful words of others.
Sinking deeper into masks,
Straying from true selves.

Why are your smiles held with
Scotch tape and glue,
Holding despite the cuts of insults?
How do you continue
As a mere stepping stone for others?

Answers unfold within the hourglass
As we journey on, unsure.

Afraid of your game of charades
But at ease when your presence fades  
I can turn my head in a myriad of ways  
Yet you relentlessly hold me in your sway

The hurt I bear, to you it's amusing  
Yet I will endure, forever refusing  
And when I slip back to the start  
You smile when I fall apart

Once I felt freedom's embrace  
You sought to attack without a trace  
No matter how content I strive to be  
The mask I wear binds you to me

The shattered glass I grasp  
Reflects your smile, a haunting clasp
With arms now stained in crimson hue  
I collapse upon my knees, subdued

Eyes shut tight, I still behold your form  
Nerves frayed, yet I sense your storm  
You steal my essence, leave me hollow,  
Yet demons within, quietly follow.

A portion of the wall, concealed deceitfully,
A portrait framed, superficially free,
Yet its distance from truth, painfully clear to see.

A painted smile, deceivingly grand,
But the cracks in the facade, I failed to understand,
A puppeteer's trick, I was caught in his hand.

Beneath the illusion, hidden in the shade,
Chains of despair, with scars never fade,
Unable to voice the anguish, in silence I stayed.

The colors of the photo, a deceptive hue,
Gray like the lies, only tears stay true,
A facade that crumbles, revealing the blue.

A picture of a dream, forever unreal,
A happy family, love he can't truly feel,
On the wall, a tragedy concealed.

In that portrait, lies a departed soul,
A family fractured, the lies uroll,
A better version, I yearn to console.

Drifting through the clouds
On the blackest of nights
Fixated on the moon
Exquisite and bright

Amidst the silence
As the air slips by
I shut my eyes
Yet betray no fright

The chill of the wind
Calms my soul
The swifter my descent
The faster slumber's hold

Scenes of the past
Reveal my falls
As my form meets the water
I'll be numb to it all

I'm sinking
In an ocean of sorrow
One last glance at the moon
I won't live for tomorrow

The rain will drown me
Yet I find solace in its embrace
While the clouds weave their beauty above

I am supposed to be fearful
Knowing that at any instant, I could fade
Yet, I am enveloped in tranquility

I've evaded my emotions for too long
Ignored the depths of my heart
And yet, I am capable of feeling so deeply

Reveal to me a world
That exists beyond my mind's grasp
Where the light resides and illuminates

Let me be consumed by the waters
Gazing eternally at the clouds
In a different realm, my soul yearns to explore

Escaped from fears
Smiles hiding tears
Yet Unable to sleep
Emotions Buried so deep

Losing a friend
Trying to comprehend
A candle snuffed out
Turning away in doubt

A father deceased
Farwell, We feast
Another sky turned gray
Hearts left in disarray

Return of Wrongdoer
Smiles become fewer
Drugs to help cope
Losing what little hope

Feelings to address
Family in distress
A mother points blame
A heart left maimed

Apology never received
False affections believed
Silent the line stays
As I've departed ways