Corridors I'm too familiar with,
And will beg on my life in dreams to
     Keep away from
The fingers of fear poke & ***** at my skin,
& Follow,
Follow up deserted streets &
Over steel & iron gates &
Under concrete arched bridges &
I'm too bored to sleep,
Yet my eye twitches;
The need to gather up every empty whiskey bottle
& Every lost and stolen piece of nonsense
Nonsense
For the first time i want to go home,
Because no-one's home
And I'm getting so tired of
Running on empty

There's a spider
On the window
Above my bed
He doesn't move
And all the angels in the world
Would think this
As an excuse
To not sleep tonight
I roll over
He's not what bothers me tonight
Anxiety keeps me awake
And I wonder if
the spider's sleeping well
Or if
He's as sleepless as I?

What would it be
To live on a wall
To lurk in the corner
Of a tiled room
When I go to have a shower
Why does he run towards the water?
Do I think
his life is
As hard as the people I know?
If he's so desperate
He'll run towards flowing water
Does he want to end it too?

Breathing heavy
Bad dreams
Anxiety keeping me awake
Just to procrastinate
Waking up in the morning

Do spiders have nightmares too?

Sit around as the sky
Turns black and fills with diamonds
Children run in the darkness
And yell about their lights
Memorise their names, won't you -
Chloe, Monica, Lucy
And laugh as the people
Wake up in the night
Lamps and torches
Mark the boundaries at
The line of trees
The second campfire from the fence,
Don't go past the van
Were you worried you
Couldn't find me, honey?
Sorry
This game always ends with
Someone getting hurt

Broken pivot
Endless fidget
Back and forth,
Back and forth
Back and-
Back and-
Back and-
twitch
Slam down
In and out
Purple thread
Through black ribbon
In and out,
Back and forth,
Thread snap
Little knife
To Cut the ties
And into skin,
Back and forth,
Thick blue lines
Hiding behind
Skin barely transparent
Needle goes in,
Out
Press the button
Up,
Down,
Hinges swinging
No control
Concentrate
Skin is fabric,
Black nylon
On peach vellum
In and out
As string appears
In dotted lines
Pinch to keep together
openings,
Eyes, lips, ears
A wound in a dress
Keep it together
A hole in the flesh,
Into a scar with time
The aches of a button-up
Dotted scarf
Black ribbon
Stitched together
Around the wrist

Telling stories, sitting around a table
Orange chairs, fake wood
I thought a library was supposed to be quiet
Space book, Notebook
Writing as we go
Stories about each other
Maiden and Prince dancing together
Broken lightbulbs around our heads
Angry about broken Aeroplanes

Telling stories, standing in the courts
Brick walls, broken windows
The game gets louder and louder
Green book, Broken pen
Writing as we go
Stories about our lives
Did you watch the news?
Have you seen my flag?
Happy for you, congratulations!

Telling stories, waiting for the train
Long day, cushy seats
People glare, teenagers they mutter
Sketchbook, Notebook
Writing as we go
Stories about our days
What did you do last?
Did you get the notice?
Tired, can we go home yet?

We tell stories
We live stories
But where does each one
End?

Tell me
Infants are at fault for
Their crying, their desires
To stay alive,
Because they know nothing
Not even to breathe,
Or shiver
Yet they don’t realise
How tiny
Their world is

Tell me
This sickness
Makes me no more
Than a baby,
Crying with no reason,
Tell me
I am selfish
For not indulging others
By faking a smile
Even though
I’ve been doing that
For years.
Tell me
I am nothing
Tell me
This world doesn’t care
About anything other
Than acting
Tell me,
Tell me,
Tell me...

So tell me,
If I didn’t show up tomorrow,
Would you keep telling them the same?

This is mine
These crumbling walls,
Peeling paint
And faded gold statues
You put here
And it is mine,
I place flowers in every crack,
Spill dyes of the rainbow across all the walls,
You track mud across my floors and tell me to take better care
Of my temple
I scrub the floors as you leave
And look up at paintings I never loved
Taking them down, I sigh at the detailing on their frames,
See, I can appreciate how hard it is to make something
Even when I don’t like it
Someone else loved these paintings, I’m sure,
So do not come in here and condemn me
For taking them down
I am not destroying anything, this place is destroying itself
I cannot stay in a this building when it is falling apart,
Let me fix it
Leave me and let me fix it
I know how to build, let me fix it
Let me fix it
Let me fix it
I don’t care,
I don’t care,
Stop saying my body is a temple
When you do not see the damage done to it,
You cannot judge me wanting something done about it
I am not sick, I am not crazy, I am not out of my mind
I don’t care how beautiful you think it is,
I am breaking down
This is not a sickness.
This is a desire to redecorate.
Because this is not your temple.
This is mine.
These crumbling walls,
Peeling paint
And faded gold statues
You put here.
And it is mine to repair.

The wind is the monster that
Roars in the night,
It's the heat's respite
As we climb Kosciusko
The wind is what keeps
Our jackets on,
The temporary breaks,
Layers of clothes
Black, grey, pink, blue
Keep going,
This is nothing
Snow melts by the path,
Metal grates
Stone paving with gold veins
Scribble our names
In the snow
As we go,
Start a war, juggle snowballs
To impress the passers-by
Stand atop the highest point
And juggle stones
Or fly a kite
What will we do next time?

I don't remember being 3 years old
But I do know what he was like -
A puppy, bouncing around,
A prince in his very own castle.

I vaguly remember being 6 years old
I know what he was like -
They said he was getting old for a dog
He was always grumpy, but at least he
Remembered who I was when I came,
The old king of his castle.

I remember being 12 years old
Visiting again, that Jackie
"He's an old man now", they said
He was tired sometimes
Yet he still acted like royalty in his house

I remember being 15 years old
We were on holiday together,
His owners and my family
He slept often, and was bitter in his years
And I told them,
"You know Jackie's as old as me?"
I calculated that in dog years,
He was about a hundred and five

I am 16 years old, approaching 17.
And Jackie's still here.
He's tired and he doesn't really move much from his seat.
But this is still his house as much as anyone else's.
He'd be 112 to 119.
He doesn't argue when I go to pat him now
He's calm,
Like he's got no fight left in him.
And it's funny,
I can't help but feel he might outlive me
I know he hasn't been this welcoming since we were both three.

The screamer, The criminal, The fool
And me
How did I land in the hands of
These three?

The screamer, she laughs about
Mother's harsh rule
She's keeping me sane with
The crim and the fool.

The criminal, as he is called
By my peers
Likes to feast on the romance of life
And our fears.

The fool is forgivable, if
Only when
He shuts up and lets the crim
Have a word in

The fool and the criminal
Drive me insane
And I vent to the geniuses though
They aren't to blame.

Though the screamer can't brag about
Being much better
I still must work with them,
So I will let her.

The screamer, The criminal, The fool
And me
Our lives all depend on
Our comradery
So I'll put aside any prejudice
That I've got
I'll drag us all through this
So we might
Have a shot

It's weird, the way I rhyme,
I'm out of time
It's like a child,
The way my lines
Never end up the same size
It always ends up a surprise,
The way I rhyme
Made up on the spot,
I never bother cleaning up
If all my lines were the same length,
I'd feel my poems go corrupt
Yet even though
some lines are fast and others slow
I always go
To the ticking of a clock
I'm
Sticking to this loop
Coz it never feels right
Waiting for an age
For a light
To appear above my head,
Coz I can never think of one in time
I teach myself to improvise
With all my lines,
With all my rhymes,
Coz it's weird,
The way I rhyme.

My
Thin blue lines
Are the targets
For your cries
Can’t think
For how sick
We made ourselves.

My
Thin blue lines
On my hands and wrists, I’m blind
Remove my sight,
Remove my eyes
Take my ties
And cut my lines,
My thin blue lines

Dropping constant lies,
Everything’s fine
Constant false smiles,
I’ll be on time
Tomorrow, today
Always
Keeping away,
Can’t say different,
Won’t it be brilliant.

My
Thin blue lines
On my hands and wrists I’m blind
Remove my sight,
Remove my eyes
Take my ties and
Cut my lines

Seething, livid gaze,
Look through a haze
Constantly fired,
Easily liars
Tomorrow, today
Always
Keeping away
See red so easy,
Can’t say you’ll see me

My
Thin blue lines
Are the targets for my cries
Can’t think
For how sick
We made ourselves

The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost

Don’t you like this game?
Don’t you want to play?
I write essays on the things that drive me insane
Wish i could show you but I’m too scared to burn you
My bones protest but I can’t bear to hurt you
I can’t have you recoil again, not after
The dance it took to bring you here
Yet you reject me until you bring me laughter

The strings, twisted, tangled,
Dipped in wax & hung & mangled
Dripping, hot & molten, eaten, fraying
Thoughts lit up & lost

The wick is afire, it burns, it burns
The wicked desire to hurt, it burns
It’s screaming & engulfing & it’s crawling up the walls
Surrender to the dance, consumption
Beautiful, twisting destruction

Panic, panic
hold it together
When your bones don't hold together
And you break
See yourself
Watch yourself
fly across the room
no, stop
No, stop!
Hold yourself honey
Breathe,
Breathe,
B r e a t h e
You're fine, you're fine
Hold yourself together with
String,
Hold yourself with muscles you
Wish were stronger
You wish you were stronger
Your hands shake and
clap
Anything to keep them under control
You're drawing,
You're taking notes and then
your pen, it's buried in
Someone else's lap
How'd it get there?
Hold yourself
Hold yourself
How many people struggle
In an arm wrestle with themself?
Now sit down
Sit down and breathe
Coz you've noticed it happens
When you panic
So
Breathe
You're fine,
You're fine
You can handle this
Right?
Sit down
Listen to the music
Focus, focus
You need to pay attention
You look at the guy sitting next to you
And feel your arm move
It isn't you moving it
So you hold yourself
Hands in your pockets
You're crazy enough without this
So keep yourself down honey
You're fine
You aren't flying across the room
Not yet
Your bones hold you together
Like string
Like thread
You're fine
Anything, to keep you under
Your own control
Lady
Breathe
You're fine

You're fine

I'm fine...

...right?

Spend the afternoon
Listening to the same songs
Coz you're feeling the way you are
And you can't seem to change yourself
Spend the afternoon
Listening to the same songs
And you find yourself thinking about
Those who think
You owe them your secrets
Those who think
You owe them your friendship
Listening to the same songs
Till you find yourself thinking about
Where they'll be in 10 years
Till you find yourself thinking about
Everything you never said to them
All the **** they threw in your face
And how badly you wanna throw it back
But that requires talking to them
So you shut up
Listening to the same songs
Till you've memorised the words,
"Does it cross your mind to be slightly sorry?"
And picture yourself screaming it
Screaming it to them
Like you owe them your secrets
Like you owe them a world
Why?
Age-old mistakes,
Before you knew that about him
Age-old mistakes
Before you knew it'd throw your life away
Before you knew he hated
"People like you"
But he doesn't know it yet,
He doesn't know it yet so
You find yourself thinking about
What you'd say
And how you'd say it
Maybe think of a song and dance
Maybe end it with a slap in the face
Maybe write him another ******* poem
When hell knows that was your biggest mistake
The first ******* time
And now you look at his face and think
HOW
How in the name of Hell
How in the name of every diety,
In or out of existance, could you
Befriend someone
Like that?

And you find yourself crashing
And burning
Like all of them did
And you think,
am I really better than them?
And sweetheart, then you pick yourself up
And you spend the afternoon
Listening to the same songs
Coz you're feeling the way you are
And the answer is
They got nothing on you
Use your anger,
Put yourself back together
However the hell you can
And keep going
Coz any bridges you burn on the way
You didn't need them
It killed you to keep the stupid things
Up for so **** long
And yeah, you can swear on
Everything you love
And hate
That the next time he shows his face
You'll beat it into the ground
Or write a song and ******* dance
When you know all you need to say
Is tell him how much he must hate you.
After all, look at what you are.
He hates people like you,
Right?

Glittered walls
Guitar rising
Have you started running yet?
Keep going
Never slowing down
Sore eyes
You want nothing more than sleep
Than this one power
Because days have been wasted
With this sickness
The sickness that stopped you
From ever slowing down

Glittered keychains
Piano plays
You memorise any lines
It's another chore
Like noting down the times of
All the best events
Keep going
When sleep becomes the enemy
When sleep becomes this void
This void that you wish you could turn to
But it's a bottomless pit you'll never fill
Fall into the darkness
No
Get up
Heavy breathing
You've always prided yourself
On thinking
You'd be able to pick yourself back up
Thinking sure as hell no-one would help
Well maybe that was true once
But it's not anymore
So you don't have to be scared of falling
Anymore,
not anymore
Falling's half the fun
It's the only way to feel alive
It's the only way to keep you down here
When nothing in the world feels real anymore
You've got the world
You've got the voids between them

And you can sleep without being scared
Of not waking up tomorrow

I slept,
Only for a brief time
I slept
And I dreamed.
And I saw wonders.

I know it wasn’t real,
But I dreamed.

And I find
Part of me
Wants
To dream again

I Dreamt I played piano for a child,
And she Dreamt of meeting an angel
the Angel dreamt of freedom,
And freedom dreamt of solitude
And solitude whispered to me
As I dreamed.
I should have stopped listening
But never did, never did
I kept listening
I kept learning
Learning from Solitude
And freedom
And Angels
And children

...And then it stopped.
And then I awoke.
As did they.

Part of me wished we had never awoken
Part of me wants To keep my eyes closed,
Keep dreaming.
But facing the music in times of weakness
IS my weakness
And I am not allowed to be weak anymore,
Not anymore.

No more sleep, don’t you know
That other you, they never sleep
They can’t -

Not for the nightmares you gave them,
Don’t you remember it?
With an endless downpour from a ceiling of stone instead of sky.
They don’t see.
Not unless you need them to

But we don’t, we won’t share,
We won’t let you see our weakness.

No, if we did, we know what you’d call them,
Infantile, irrelevant,
So
We Can’t tell you

This is what I dream about
But I know that
We Never will live that through

We know, we know
But we can dream
We know it’s just a story
But we can dream
We know it’s a whole other world
But we can dream
We can dream.

Grey walls, grey floors,
Automatic sliding doors
Green lights, follow, follow,
Obedience was all they know.

He couldn’t remember the rest.
We couldn’t remember resting.
We stood in the dark,
In something similar to that long-dead fantasy,
And we build a new one.

He dances.

His blue hair twists around him,
Stark yellow sunlight spills from cracks in the floor,
And as if lifting great weights from the ground,
His arms raise glowing screens from below us,
We stare in wonder,
He spins, slowly,
His figure moving to a beat only he can hear,
Then the light pulses before us,
Steadily flickering and growing brighter,
Writing appears,
His illustrations appear, his character transforming,
Then he rises into the air,
Metal strings, cords,
Wrap around his torso,
lifting him,
The rafters hold him fast,
And he calls down to us -
It's easy!

One by one,
We all start spinning,
More great light shields surround us,
And, flying,
we follow him to the ceiling.

Rainbows swirl around, a fever dream
Painted, polished on ceramic stone,
The shaking slows,
and I remember her,
Convulsing on the rocks,
Heart drops when we say "breathe!"
Wish no response -
2 minutes ago, a man asked,
We said she was fine
Now, we scream for help,
And he's the only face we see,
Running back up the mountain now,
she still won't breathe
And neither will I,
Until she gasps again
But still won't open her eyes.
For an hour or more we stay
By her side,
when she stops moving
The pitch creeps back into my voice,
Please-
Please just keep breathing -

The paramedics finally come,
Marching down the track,
And I find it hard to leave her.
We sit on the rocks, out of the way,
Until a man in blue leads the way up the mountain.
We sit at the top, I'm still numb
Another hour passes of silent panic,
And then here they finally come...

We walk to the station in silence,
We're all thinking of someone to blame
As I walk, I keep remembering-
How we're all saying we're fine,
But we echo her words from before.
How I shouldn't have let her drink that,
How she was fine until they told us to
     Hurry UP!

On the train, it feels quiet,
I have nothing to say.
At last, a phonecall -
she's going to be fine
And it's then that I remember,
How the last thing I heard her say was
        "Sorry"
And I could only whisper,
"It's not your fault"
And then we're all fine,
We're all happy - no.
I don't say anything,
I still can't think clearly,
It's a blur,
Just pictures now -
Her body on the rocks,
A voice, a scream for help,
A bearded, kind face,
Another girl in tears,
Hurried faces running away, away,
Always leaving,
There was no-one when she dropped,
And what if no-one had
Waited for her, for us,
Would she have died there?
Sounds, a heart dropping
Every minute, I'm stuck there,
On the "What if -",
Because everyone tells me
That it's fine now,
She's fine now, well
What if everything hadn't been okay?

What’s the difference? The first time, this time?
Well,
The first time, it was all I could see - her body, pulsing before me,
I was there,
When she fell,
I was alone,
And I had to leave before I knew she’d be okay

This time, I wasn’t right there - I mean, I was close
But all I heard was the crash and then my own voice I think,
Screaming,
No, no, oh my god

Both times, there was the numbness,
The need to do something useful.
The first time, it was staying by her
The second time, it was running, finding the street names,
Standing by the caller & making sure people would come to help them
But I couldn’t help them

Both times, I was scared by how calm I was in the moment -
I didn’t cry,
I didn’t break down.
I was functional, I think,
I could still think

The first time, I was slow, walking home
I had someone to blame,
Convinced myself we had been abandoned & she was there for longer than she could have been,
But I have no way of proving that

The second time.
I feel strange.
I don’t know what I feel.
Walking home was a mess of emotions,
Every car that passes, a challenger approaching,
Engines, roaring, raring, raging, ready, oh I am so ready,
BRING IT ON!
Headlights taunting, flashing,
And hard footsteps, running, stomping,
And finally reaching the front gate, feeling nothing.

And I still don’t know if they’re okay.

She has built your memories out of lies,
Screamed at you countless times,
And for every hurt she causes you,
tells you it is your own fault
You were raised to be co-dependant,
and then punished for not being independant
You burn books out of frustration
and shut out the world
because you've been "taught" how much more dangerous it is
than your own cage of a house
This fire she continues to twist around you,
Igniting unprovoked anger,
Because you dared to bend a rule she breaks every day,
Lighting up the trail of gas
and burning your memory away,
She birthed you to be her puppet,
and when you wiped the half-done paint job away
she tortured you into submission,
For all the lies she forces you to listen
Maybe we've solved the puzzle of her constant lies,
but it doesn't matter.
she doesn't matter,
but you do.
And I tell you now,
You won't have to listen to her lies
forever.