Why is it so hard to love you?
It’s not that I don’t want to,
Or even that you don’t deserve it.
I just get stuck between the unknown and the desired.
You could be the greatest, the sweetest,
But you aren’t the song I’ve gotten used to singing.

I feel like I made a life altering mistake.
Normally I believe everything happens like it’s supposed to,
But this just feels wrong,
I’ve never not felt a pull between us,
Maybe somehow someday it will all be rectified,
But I just can’t get our story out of my head.
I’m scared of you, I’m scared of being near you but near you nonetheless is where I wanna be.
What did I do, what did I do, what did I do?
Did I not listen?
Did I not care?
Did I jump in too fast?
Where were you?
Where was I?
Did I say yes to her too fast?
I didn’t even look for her love but I had  always had my mind on yours.
This was the worst case of bad timing,
I’m afraid I ran away,
Even in college,
Maybe I was ashamed,
Maybe I was too immature,
Maybe this is all in my head,
All I know is I’ll know someday.
Even if I have ruined it all.

Somedays I think it will make me feel better.
Other days I wake with- other days I stay awake until the sun hurts my eyes, and it no longer feels warm, just hot.
My heart feels missing.
My mind feels messy. *****.
Everything is too loud and I go again to drown it out.
But I scare easily, so I run away by going nowhere.
I hide until I see nothing.
And when I see nothing, I’m too afraid to see anything.
How can I find a door when the whole house is burning.
Maybe this new bottle will help me find the door.

I can’t stand Kenmore.
Everything I’ve lost,
Not to be dramatic,
But more than a relationship or two was left there.
A place of romanticism,
A place where everything was nice and new.
I left a piece of me, I think a few of us did,
There.
That same McDonald’s on the corner,
A memory burned deep no matter the relevance.
Those camo vests we wore,
The inflatable house we hid out inside,
Countless rounds of ping pong,
A circle of friendship that hasn’t seen the light of day in half a decade.
Driving to Kenmore in the dark and rain,
It feels like life rubbing a sad scene in my face...
Just let me turn my face and fall asleep,
Cause I don’t want to feel false regret or pain no more.

With what eyes did you call me over that night?
You wanted something from me or of me,
I don’t understand.
I wish I weren’t so moved by,
Spiritual stories and my sentimental high.
You see, emily called me before you did.
I saw you and wanted the mystery I made for myself.
You just happened to fall into my fantasy.
At least until you changed your mind...

Started stories,
Piling up,
Getting too heavy for my backpack.
This is why I write so much,
This is why I “cry” so much,
This is why photos will never lose my touch.
There is always more to write,
There are always more pages of white.

One day I will start a story I can finish.
One will illustrate the novels and write the sequels.
Best sellers are all I see ahead.

Something’s not right,
I can taste metal.
But that’s why I came here,
To inspect the darkness.
Because even in fear,
I’ll search for meaning.
The danger doesn’t bother me,
As long as I find my story.
Try to **** me,
Try to hurt me,
I’ll take it as a badge to wear.
Look at my intrigue,
I have something you don’t...

My mind’s like rock but lava,
Ice but calving,
A mountain in avalanche,
Dreaming of insomnia,
A lion being hunted,
A man in the news.
Quickly removed from vital values,
No longer known for strongest qualities.
Easily swayed by a metaphorical gust of wind.
Reduced but mistaken by foundational niceties.