I press my fingers
over black and white,
each key clicks,
and I press more.

One, two, and no more.
My fingers move,
and press another two.
Sounds echo,
but I cannot remember their names.

I've played them before,
and so I continue.
There is a note I have not played,
the empty middle C
that I do not acknowledge.

The low keys thrum
under my fingers;
I lose myself in them.
The melody is absent,
yet the history is undeniable.

Some high keys respond,
some low keys refuse.
And as more keys resound,
they conflict and break.
There seems no way.

In the gaps that form,
in the sounds that fill the middle,
I understand:
some part of the C has always been
in his hand.

The melody plays on,
somewhere in the piano,
he sits.
Or I sit,
pressing the middle C
to bring to a close
this swan song,
this elegy of the man.

The house stays silent,
Its windows worn with time
And waiting.

Two heads pop up
And look ahead,
Small feet paddling to the glass,
Sneaking a glance at the world beyond.

They see the street, the city,
The blazing sun,
The bright sky.
And a shadow moving amidst it all.
A monster they have always known.

The creature watches the door
With uncontrollable and patient hunger.
The children lift their trembling hand,
With their hearts in their throats,
And reach for the ****,
And for a moment I believed,
That they would step out,
That they would fight,
That they would live.

But they never did.
Just as their hands never touched the ****.
They turn,
Shivering,
Retreating down the creaking wooden steps,
To the basement that devours them,
Where they sit in the dark,
Like old dolls
Forgotten and abandoned.

There they remain,
Silent,
Breathing but unliving,
Hidden as though they never were,
For if the monster ever knows of them,
They will die.

And so the house stays silent,
Its windows worn with time
And waiting.

I.

I woke up
Underneath a heavy weight
Of my own existence.
A world too big,
A sky too vast,
A land too far.
The world seemed to claw at me,
And it scared me.

"There's no reason you are known;
There's no reason for you to exist."

The voices chased me,
As I ran.
To nowhere.
Even in nowhere, there was time.
Always.

---
II.

Thus, now I stood in the now,
The sacred, everlasting now.
The now where every sage found peace,
The now where every fleeting moment
Life dominated death,
The now where all joys outweighed pain.

It only lasted a moment,
Perpetually,
Yet it felt like an eternity.
It seemed to be unending,
And that scared me.
"Go away, mortal.
There is no present for you;
You cannot exist."

I froze.
And wept.
And wept.
Until I fell asleep.

---
III.

I sought escape
In dreams' tranquility
That everyone preached of.
Dreams, hopes,
They said everything comforts.

But the dreams grew too real.
They knew my name,
My sins, my fears,
My pain, my cries.
They knew me.

And so, I woke up.
And stayed awake.
I couldn't sleep again.
So I thought,
Falling into a deep
Introspection.

---
IV.

The world had no place for me,
So I had turned inward,
And looked within.
I saw a fence, and something dark beyond.
"I'll only look once,"
I whispered, moving close.

Then I saw me
Or all that was 'me.'
My eyes met mine.
My body shook in the face of my own gaze.
I split apart.

I had gazed at myself.
From too close.
Too much.
Too me.

So, I tried to leave myself behind.

---
V.

I tried to let go
Of everything.
I wanted to believe.
But belief belonged to the wretches,
And I had long since left them.

So, I took back my belief.
I let the winds carry me.

"You think falling is freedom?"
A voice creaked.

My flowing self halted.
I had let go.
I had almost let go of it.
I couldn’t.

How can I trust even the holiest of this void?
If I could not trust the void,
Then I would trust the end,
The Unstoppable Death.

---
VI.
I escaped to the end,
To the embrace of death.
Death is the liberation from life, they had told me.

I created a coffin of my existence,
my present,
my dreams,
my self,
my beliefs.
And stepped in,
All toward my death.

Then I saw death, in its glory,
Laughing, mocking.
"You fear me
More so than life.
Step out, never step here.
Else you'll 'die.'"

So, I turned.
And ran.
To nowhere.

But there was no nowhere left.
Only
Nothing.
I let the nothing consume me.

---

There is no room.
No wall, no dream.
No now. No world. No self. No rest. No end. No life.
No "they," the wretches I could call mine.
No God to curse.
No world to live in.
No me.

Nothing.
Nothing.
I saw,
Heard,
And spoke
Nothing.

---

They said, “The world is beautiful.”
They said, “Live in the moment.”
They said, “Dreams are sweet and lovely.“
They said, “The truth lies within.”
They said, “You are not alone.”
They said, “Death is eternal rest.”

Who's they?
The wretches like me, except blessed.

I was
Merely a flower.
Growing toward the heavens,
Yet reaching not even the sky.
Blooming to brighten all,
Yet now withering, darkening.

The Winds came.
I cried.
Roots that bound me
Seemed to weaken.
The soil held,
It always supported me.

The winds whispered of stars
Of the world beyond
I could reach
Only if I let go.
The lies were known;
The truth was unknown.

"Child, the beyond is death!"
The soil cried
A truth I already knew.
My thoughts curled
Around the death of staying still
Of growing old,
In this dirt, in its hold.

"O Flower, what did you do? You have gone mad!"
A voice resounded, of my god
Who nurtured me every day.

One by one, my petals flew,
I let go of what made me,
Gave up all I had to offer.

"You were meant to bloom,
And you tore yourself apart?"
My god pitied.
Even petals must fall, should they not?
Ah... madness was the essence of life.

A comet,
I saw a comet!
The child screamed,
As loud as her little lungs could.

Comets, she loved them.
Always wanted to see one.
Who doesn't?
When you gaze at the sky every night
With a heavy heart,
You will too.

She thought of it every rising sun, every dying moon.
What a memorable event.
She wanted it again.
Wanting again, isn't that the mark of a child?

But then she started losing
All that made her her.
Slowly,
Painfully.
She looked at the sky, another painful night:
"Your name... it was Mr. Comet.
It's okay, I'll remember it!
Your name is Mr. Comet! Mr. Comet!
Your name is..."

What was the name?
What was the name?!

The flowers bloomed,
Springs came and went by.
She lived her life,
But Halley never came.

Then she saw the comet again,
On her deathbed,
And shed a tear
Of joy,
Or perhaps for the end near?
Can anyone truly die in peace?

It's late.
The house is silent.
Too silent.
Except for the buzzing of the phone,
With your messages.
Unread.

I had told you,
I wouldn't cry again.
Or lie again. Or leave again.

But here I am,
Still lying.
With this tear-adorned face.
Leaving everyone,
Lying to myself: it's all fine.

I stare at my hands;
They have done nothing.
But maybe that's why it's their fault,
They didn't stop me.
They didn't call you when I wept;
They didn't shut my mouth
When I said
What I swore I wouldn't.

It's terrifying.
I'm scared
of the person that is replacing me,
So casually,
So convincingly,
So openly.

A shoot sprouted from the Earth.
I saw it grow,
Small yet determined,
It reached upward
Like it knew
The sun was watching.
Cheering.

And so it bloomed,
Burning with life
Together with the sun,
Eternally blazing.

But hands came—
They always do—
And plucked it out,
Not letting any else flourish.

Before it went,
I saw it turn to me.
Or maybe it didn't. I heard it anyway.

With a smile that quite didn't reach its eyes,
It,
Resisting, succumbing.
Before it went completely out.
"Life" it said,
"Begets Death
Like fireflies
To a flame".

And then it was gone.

There’s a path I’ve never forgotten,
This path I’m still walking.
It is…
I’ve forgotten it.
Where did I start?

I turn around,
And see a distant point.
A stop.

And when I go there, I see it:
Me, younger, a little bit naive,
Still there,
Standing,
Waiting,
With a smile.

He looked, where I stood,
With a familiar gaze,
Unlike the days we lost.
There's curiosity in his eyes.
But no questions.
He raised his hand,
Showed his palm,
And waved goodbye.

With a melancholic smile,
I stopped looking back,
And waved goodbye
To the end of beginning.

You built me a nest.
Told me it was safe.
Told me the sky was not.

You never taught me to use
my wings,
Only warned me of the danger.
Storms.
Monsters.
Winds.

But I have seen the sky,
How can I stay put?
I have heard its calling,
Felt the empty place where I should be.

You tried to make me fear it,
Told me it would break me apart.
Then you did.

But even with wings, broken,
I dream of the top,
Even on the ground,
My instincts seek to fly.

What do you do
When someone you tried to silence
Still learns to sing?

I was never meant to stay,
You always knew that.

My heart beats,
Every time it calls the sky.
My mind treats
Freedom as its sole obsession.
Liberation is the blood
Flowing in my veins.

Whether I rise,
Or fall,
Or die in this attempt,
I'll leave this nest.

Even in death, as in life,
I'll court freedom, and fly high.
Because even dying things
Still leap towards the sky.

And then she smiled,
And that's what I chase—
The joy in her eyes,
The warmth in her face.

I saw it too late,
My thoughts slipped astray,
Replaced by a love,
That time took away.

I saw you there,
and followed true.
No other thoughts here,
just steps to you.

Your joy stayed,
but not your hand.
We woke apart,
in separate lands.

I mapped the stars,
named each light,
built a world
from a wish too bright.

But the sky turned grey,
and time moved on,
my perfect paths
already gone.

The stars have stood for ages, immovably above,
and gazed at each other with yearning, woeful love.

Yet we enact a tale of love beneath their gaze,
our hearts a symphony of jouissance, in each other's embrace.

I held the seashells,
sang the songs,
let the waves pull me in,
pretending I belonged.

But the tide went out,
and so did I,
footsteps fading,
hidden in the sand.

I struggle to trust.
(Some people feel like home.)

I can't open up to you.
(I still want the best for you.)

I'm soft-spoken, and not easily heard.
(Quiet doesn't always mean distant.)

I find it hard to express emotions.
(It's visible in the eyes.)

I get lost in my thoughts.
(I always find my way to you.)

I don't like a lot of things.
(I'll still like everything you like.)

I don't know or have a lot.
(I still want to learn all about you.)

I am moody.
(Moods may change, but nature won't.)

I would have
Her memories rather,
For all I gave
Was only a bother.

Dreams are sweet,
Adorned with my hope.
My heart keeps its beat,
With love that cannot cope.

I love my eyes.
They are very strong,
And don’t tell lies.
They have this secret song
That keeps them glimmering all day long.
Even when I may fall apart,
They still shine bright, as if waiting for a brand-new start.

Ever lonely in this universe, I think—
Think, think, think—
What am I? What is there to life’s embrace?
A question always unanswered to my nameless face.

Ever inquisitive in this universe, I am lost—
Lost, lost, lost—
What is the purpose of my existence confined?
A soul tethered, a rationale undefined.

Day by day,
I forget more and more,
Memories I adore,
Leads me astray.

A sunset or the moon,
a momentary reunion,
meant to be soon;
though destined to separation,
they wait fervently for another chance,
of the sundry,
eternally to dance.

Till time, it lasts.
Sculpting, sculpting, don't do it fast.
Infernal fire burning sins,
May it happen, where all but one begins.

For nights, endlessly I had nurtured, a flower that could never grow—
A seed descent of bloom rotting, falling slow.
It wasn't the fault of the water or the air—so they say;
The fault lay with the gardener, who trusted the wrong seed that day.

Since the first day, you carved your place,
an ineffaceable mark, a gentle trace.
In my heart, you became someone,
not a dream, but a love outdone.

You became someone--my guiding light,
through darkest hours, through endless night.
Not perfect, no, but human true—
the you I need, forever, you.

Day by day, I searched for your face,
in others, in moments, in every place.
Your words spun like whispers in the air, anew,
“You’ll find me,” you said, “I’ll wait for you.”

Two paths diverged at a juncture,
Should I chase you, or wait for you?
Shadows of something cloud my mind, a future,
where we are together as one, as in two.

Five signs I’ve seen, too clear to ignore.
A month gone by, yet I feel you more.
I stand at the crossroads, scared, and lost.
If I betray them, I betray my lore,
but if I betray you, I betray my cost.

The world has nothing, my heart bleeds,
for the you I need, the love it feeds.
So, come to me, death, my dearest life,
the you I need to end this lasting strife.

Gazing into your caring eyes,
Time sure flies, an evanescent prize.
An aura born of selfless care,
yet in your heart lie limits, there.

In silence, at misery you smile,
rising only, when worthwhile.
I see the strength and grace you display,
making troubles seem child's play.

Two trees, growing side by side,
Surviving through time's tide.
Though deep within, a traitor lies,
you remain true to yourself, no matter the disguise.

A saint of lighting, thriving in the dark,
A ray of knowledge, a guiding spark.

Like dandelions in the air,
You rise toward a future fair—
A world none yet can live without,
But all will dream of, there's no doubt.

Always judged, yet now I stand to judge,
not to scale your beauty, nor your grace,
but to appraise your heart, and such.
An angel's guise to ward off evil's face.

In benevolence, with its might, it uglifies,
to shield from harm, to halt the cries.

Avidly burned the longing for beauty's light,
for the devil dons allure to deceive the right.

Tarrying for the sight of arrival
sanguine still, despite deprival.

Ward off the darkness, be my guide,
Be my angel, in you my hopes lied.

Light my world, be my savior.
Be my alchemist; I am in dire.