Butterfly
You use to mean nothing to me, until I started self-harming.
I came across the butterfly project.
You draw a butterfly where you self-harm and name it after someone special.
Don’t rub the butterfly off, let it wash off naturally.
If you don’t cut, your butterfly lives. If you do it dies and you draw another.
I cut on my wrists, so I draw a butterfly there.
I name my butterfly after my friend Michael, it is harder to cut if you name it after someone you love.
Someday I hope to stop cutting, I have a lot of support.
If you are reading this and your self-harming, please tell someone.
I’m here if you need to talk.
You are not alone, even if it feels like that sometimes.

You wake up
By 8 o'clock
You get up to
The fridge
Wondering what
To
Eat

But then
Ana knocks at the door
And when you don't
Reply To her knocks
She keeps ringing
And ringing
And knocking
(...) So you go to the door,

Knowing she won


And there Ana stood
With a smile on her face
She goes to the fridge
And lock it with
Endless locks

She tells you: "It's for your own good"
She tells you: "No one wants a fat cow like you"
And you, you just say:
"Thank you"

Because you know
Ana will keep her eye
On you
And follow you
And you won't have
Any choice
But to surrender to
Her

**Ana always win

You saved me , you made
          A smile on my face

And then
                You left,
Leaving me broken.

Then,  I got
                 Sad.
And now there is blood on my wrists.

Every time I swallow one of your excuses I lose a piece of myself.
If you don’t want to go out with me, tell me don’t give me an excuse.
Every time you go out with another girl, I confront you.
You say I’m not good enough and that you need a girl who cares.
I care, I care about you even when you hit me and told me I was a *****.
I won’t leave and you know that.
You make me feel like I can’t live without you.
Your right I can't live without you, I can't buy clothes or make my own choice of what I want to eat without asking you.

And when he kisses you,
you will not be surprised.
Although the timing was random,
you knew that he wanted to,
and you knew that he would.
His lips will part from yours,
he will smile,
and he will kiss you again.
It won't be soft like the first one.
You will not stop him.
You want this to mean nothing.
As his tongue traces your lips
you will retrace your thoughts,
wondering just when you will tell him
you don't know how to make love
without being in love,
but there is no love here.
When his hands begin to slide under your shirt,
you will not stop him.
You will begin to wonder if you are a tease.
You will begin to wonder how angry he will be,
you are not asking for ***, are you?
This is just a kiss,
A kiss is not consent.
You will realize your heart is racing.
You won't be able to tell what's moving faster,
him or your thoughts.
His hands will travel to your lower half,
and you will pull back from the kiss.
You will want to say something to his face,
but it's already heading downward.
You will not stop him.
Instead,
you will swallow and find yourself conflicted.
You want this to mean nothing.
As he begins to unbutton the denim,
you will realize your breathing is so sporadic
that you're getting lightheaded.
Your body is not getting excited in the way you want it to.
You want this to mean nothing.

It doesn't.

As his breath ghosts over your lower half,
through the remaining fabric,
you realize you chose the word ghost subconsciously
because you know this moment will haunt you.
And when he goes to pull the fabric away,
you will stop him.
He will be confused; he will be flustered.
He will ask you why,
and you will sit up, pull your pants on,
and tell him that you just can't.
He will be mad.
You will drive home with all the windows down,
you want to the wind to blow you away.
You will shower with cold water,
you want something else to send chills down your spine.
And when you finally lay down,
you will pull your blankets tight around you.
You want your body to regain its warmth,
its own warmth.
You want this to mean something,
it does.
You close your eyes,
and you will tell yourself:
"I make love to myself every day.
I wash my hair, I brush my teeth.
I drink water even though I hate it.
I sing along to songs in the car.
I watch the sky change colors at night.
I draw pictures of animals,
I take pictures of the sun.
I wake up.
God ******, I wake up.
I am my own best friend.
I am here, and I am not alone.
I have me.
This is all I will ever need,
and I mean it."