That day I woke up sour.
I had lost every ounce I ever had of power.
Helpless, I searched, wondered and I did scour.
All these thoughts, I shoved down to devour.
I grew more weary with every passing hour.
I thought of leaping from my tower.
And, into myself I did cower.
I sat there letting the water envelop me into a shower.
I decided to pluck the **** I thought was a flower.
That day I fell asleep sour.

I want to say it.
It’s raging in my throat like a wildfire.
I am terrified of the implications.
The words recede in a deep, dark pit.
I’m not quite sure yet what I desire.
This feels different than the previous situations.
it’s just a word.
I wish it would come out of hiding.
Maybe I’m being overly cautious.
The thought is feeling less and less absurd.
I want to coax it from where it’s residing.
When I try to let it out, I grow nauseous.
Maybe you should say it first?
I don’t know exactly how I’d react.
I hope I will just say it back.
I fear I may just be the worst.
My thoughts and heart are too abstract.
I think I should tell you this.
I really like your soft green eyes.
I like when we laugh and kiss.
I know it’s something I had to realize.
I hope that you do think it too.
The stewing word that’s left to brew.
Everything we do is new.
And that **** word will soon erupt.
Piercing my lips with a violent shove,
Against everything it will disrupt.
That **** word rhymes with dove.

Kids are blowing bubbles in their lawn,
Sleepy hair—all messy— with pajamas on.
Yellow dandelions turn to grey.
They make wishes out of childs’ play.
As their seeds and pollen float away,
The sun is kissing freckles, tans, and burns.
Leaves are dressing trees, and flowers turn.
But suddenly it’s super, super hot.
Plants are drying out; their roots rot.
Firm plastic is so mushy that it’s bending.
Global warming is no longer impending.
Politicians and corporations act estranged
They pretend the climate hasn’t changed.
After all, why would they even care?
They won’t even live through the big scare.
Everyone and everything is melting.
The heat is excruciating and sweltering.

I still miss you.
I miss the kisses, the cuddles, the ***.
I miss your cheeky little grin and your wispy beard against my skin.
I miss how your eyes would glisten and your voice went higher,
As I listened to you tell me about dragon ball, or how work had been prior.
Without you, there are highs and lows, and
Every day is too fast, yet too slow.
If you had asked me early March why I’m here,
There would be nothing else to hear, except gushing over your curly hair
Or, how you walked me home from school every day when I was 15.
****.
Why did you have to be so mean?
It went and ****** up everything.
Why’d you do that **** to me?
I couldn’t even just be and exist as me,
And everything is just the worst
Because I had to put me first.
I still miss you.
And, honestly I don’t know what to do
Or even who the **** I am.
I’m a phantom of myself.
I’m a ******* basketcase,
I’m a useless waste of space.
I can’t stop messing up everything.
And ever since we broke up,
I’ve worn your jacket to work.
And, I’m the **** that dumped you, but
My heart ******* hurts.
I still miss you.
I see you in every spring flower rising from the dirt.
And, I think they wrote every song about you, too.
Why does every beautiful piece of art look a lot like you?
I hate that I love rom coms.
I hate that you wouldn’t dance with me at prom.
I hate that I’m not Sally, and you’ll never be my Harry.
I hate that I wanted to marry you.
I’d rather die than be your spouse.
You’re still trying to say who I should talk to and what I should do.
I hate that I’m stuck 2 minutes from you and your stupid ******* house.
Because of you I can’t breathe and I shake.
Every time someone yells at me, I ******* break.
I hate that you’re so ******* bad to the core
I hate that you called me slurs and said I looked like a *****
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I still miss you.
Remember when you smacked my face?
That’s something you can undo or erase.
Remember when I tried to exit a moving vehicle because you were keeping me against my will?
Rather you like it or not, that was meaningful.
Remember when you took my keys so that I couldn’t leave?
I genuinely can’t believe I let someone do those things to me.
Remember when you didn’t get me anything for graduating, turning 18, Valentine’s Day, anything.
You owe me so many ******* dates that you cancelled because it was getting late.
Remember when you berated me in front of all of my friends over and over again?
You called all my interests stupid and you never gave a **** about my art.
You wrote your name across my heart, but you never would dance with me
Because you thought I was cringey.
I still miss you.
And boy, you haven’t a single clue how to treat a woman, or even any person.
I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I hate that I still love you.
I hate that my identity is so entangled in you.
I don’t know what the **** to do.
Why am I here?
Why am I stuck in this perpetual state of fear that I can’t live without you?
You should get out of my head.
****, these intrusive thoughts want me dead.
I hate my stupid ******* brain for filling myself with disdain towards who I am alone.
I want to text you, but I’ll refrain.
Now, you’re nothing more than a name in my phone.
You’re not the boy that makes me swoon, giggle and moan anymore.
You’re not my baby, my qt, mi amor; you aren’t someone I want to adore.
I still miss you.
Why am I here?
What am I doing?
Deep inside me something’s brewing.
Every day I’ve sat here stewing.
I need to be someone new,
I need to figure out what to do.
Why can’t I ******* stop thinking about you?
But I’m still breathing; I’m not dead.
I keep forcing myself out of bed.
And I even dyed my hair red.
I’m here.
I’m where I’m supposed to be
And until my heart mends
I’m surrounded by lovely friends.
I’ll run away to be an artist.
Even though I’m not the smartest, I’ll figure this **** out.
I’ll learn to live without you.
I quit that job I hated.
My heart throbs for something different.
And **** love; it’s overated.
I still miss you.
My whole life was infiltrated by cupid’s stupid arrow.
My trust in life is so near narrow, and
I’ll never let a boy treat me like a barbie doll.
I am my own;  I won't be toyed with and I won’t fall
for some self obsessed, egotistical, adorable, little *******.
I wake up in my own bed and I own my own legs.
You can cry and you can beg, but I will never be your girl again.
And ****.
I’m here now, and I’ll allow what I’ll allow.
I’m going to just live for me
I’m here to just simply be.
I’m lost and I’m unknowing,
But ****** ****** boy, I’m ******* growing.
AND I’m here now.
I’m figuring out how to say no,
And I’m trying to go when and where I want to go.
I’m going to run away from you,
And you can stay in this **** town.
I know I won't let me down.
Why am I here?
One day I woke up on this blue-green sphere, and it didn’t mean a single thing.
I was a lump of flesh and blood; my mind was fresh and not corrupt.
I learned pain and I learned love. They both came and went abrupt.
I’m here now scorned and torn, and my heart and mind are worn.
I’ll live without you.
I’ll do what I have to.
What does it even matter why or how?
I’m here now because I’m here now.
I still miss you.
But, one day I won’t.
I’m here to see that day I don’t.
I’m here to hold my own heart.
I’m here now to make my art.
I still miss you.

We stretch my blanket over your center console;
I squish a pillow between the gap between our headrests.

The seats are laying as flat as can be;
I’m gripping your velvety upholstery.

My feet dance;
my legs twitch in the air as you twirl your fingers between them.

My shirt and shorts are loosely hanging from my wrists and ankles.

I don’t look at the stars peeking from your windshield through the trees.

I’m focused on you.

I see your silhouette perfectly.

Your lips are curling into a grin.

I feel your hands exploring me;
I feel your kisses on my skin.

I’ve lost control of my own vocal cords; I can’t seem to swallow the sounds escaping from my teeth.

Your windows are steamy from my moans and sighs.

Now I’m sitting atop your lap.

I let my hands get busy between your thighs.

Wispy beard hairs are tickling my neck.

We collide, I ****** and I ride.

We melt into the seats of your Toyota Camry.

When it’s all done, I’m wrapped into a hug

and spoiled with your words of love.

I am the pendulum that swings
left.                                                           ­                                 
                                                                ­                                          right.   left.                                                
           ­                         right.
left.              
         right.
I find myself in equilibrium, now, nothing is afflicting me.
the slightest nudge-- a gentle push
and
now I'm swinging violently.
left.                                                           ­                                 
                                                                ­                                          right.   left.                                                
           ­                         right.
left.              
         right.
  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why can't I think?
I'm left.                                                            ­                                
                                                                ­                                     I'm right.  
I'm left.                                                
           ­                            I'm right.
I'm left.              
            I'm right.
I can't breathe.
I've lost my sight--
blinded by the salted tears I breathe, and choking on my tongue,
I can't think.
I can't speak.
Why are you screaming at me?
I am the pendulum that swings
left.                                                           ­                                 
                                                                ­                                          right.   left.                                                
           ­                         right.
left.              
         right.
Breathe. Stop Crying. It's fine. I'm fine.
I'm alright,
I'll just brace myself for another ******* night of swinging
left.                                                   ­                                         
                                                                ­                                          right.   left.                                                
           ­                         right.
left.              
         right.