I'm so grateful to know you
don't pay attention
so I can say I love you
too much
when you're looking away
i know you've been loosing your hearing
since before you met me  
i'm so glad I'm loud
but i try not to say it too much
because i've seen it change meaning
upon repetition
i fear it will fade
or you're saying it in other ways

I never thought
About my-self
the way you have discribed
Until I looked
At my favorite song

Cancer didn't make me Cry:
I have not cried
Except when I think of leaving you
When I look at all the wonderful
Perfect moments that life has been
All strung together like a melody
The only true crime I could think of
That heaven could raise against us
Though heaven could commit not crime
But if life were to
Then it would be asking me to leave you now
I could no more die
In this moment than I could stop loving you
Than I could have stopped from loving you in the first
The reality is
That all the melodies bleed together
Into one simple symphony
One short desperate sonnet
And that is the necessity of loving you


Changes:
I know he loved my ringlets
Their lengths wrapping around him
Like the sheets we tangle around us
But now he calls me his little flapper
His hands wrapping in the short strands
The ones he knows will fall away
I know he loved my ethic
The way I worked everyday to be perfect
But now when I can do nothing to stay thin
He tells me to eat so I can get better
I know he loved the carefree
The way he didn't have to worry about me
But still he stays beside me
And something about that
Makes me think he loves me

The danger of sleepovers is
I had gotten really good at sleeping alone,
I never missed arms around me
I was comfortable
sprawled out on my little bed (made for one)
with my freedom
I never let anyone stay
...
but now
I kind of wish you were here when I lay down
your arms wrapped around my waist
and now I don't wanna sleep alone
I want you with me...
Is that weird

Of course
They planted birch trees on the green
Peeling paper bark trees
Shading the head
And stirring the heart
Saying even nature makes paper
So write enough to fill the sky

I could fill the sky with this summers pain
But I'm not sure that I want to
I'm getting awful sick of rain.

There are bumble bees
In the wires of my mind
Buzzing and *******
Somewhere behind my cerebral cortex
And my hypothalmus
They make my brain go fuzzy
With drops of honey (or is it a sting)
When you kiss me.
All the receptors bloom open like nectar laiden flowers
I can almost see my mind as a forest clearing
In early spring
With pale green stems
And periwinkle flowers and yellow blossoms
This place is precious
And long forgotten
I wish i could show you
Like photo albums in child hood
Its so hard now
To clear my brain on paper
But its getting better.

The ice-queen is okay being alone
I miss you sometimes
not necessarily you laying beside me,
or anything like that,
just the way we could talk.
The ice-queen can do what's right
I can leave a boy who loves me
because she lives in my veins
and knows what's best for us both
though not what was easy.
The ice-queen surrounds a heart of fire
she protects it,
but sometimes the ice queen melts
and I peer out,
the ice-queen and I are both sorry

The ice queen melted for one moment,
the second time you said you loved me
I was a fire in your arms.
she came back, avalanche, to carry me
the next moment
when you said you didn’t mean it.
my heart broke the first moment you had it.
I couldn’t make her go again.

Beautiful girls who write sad poetry
are dangerous things
we've come to the conclusion
that love is not always a force for positive good
and in a woman
who's been taught love is all.
This is a displacement of identity.
Which changes the soul.
From malleable object,
to unstoppable force.

I'm always looking for that break
For that chinck in the armor,
Or the evidence of a mask
That thing that will shatter my fragile happiness
Like glass barely tapped on the counter
I wishni could tell you
How ive been hurt before
So you know its not you at all
Its fear.
And worry that everyone
Is somehow like him

There is no Bacchus
watching our coming together
there is no excess,
there is passion, and hunger,
there is no feasting
there is some giving in
too little to get drunk on
I love you
in the strong silent way,
I love your person
I have trouble knowing that you love
I need your passion to break
before me
I need to be drunk on it
pour the wine
and i will stay at your table
speak my name
with love on your tongue
lay out the feast.
and i'll lay my love on the table
if you'll do the same.

I wish i could bleed this
I cant make him real on paper
The way he stands
Or smiles
or speaks
Like the impossibly red necesity
Of the blood that flows through my veins
But shows blue through my skin
Not exact
But close
Like my facination with his hands
And that they make art
And that i just want to be close
But cant explain
How that feels
There are no words
In any language
There is only art for this
And that is still impossible to read.

"I'm going miss you"
Of
     Course
I'll miss you too.
But
      This summer
Reeks with
  The memory of what happened
Especially when you say

"Are you gonna come home
Pack up
Leave"
I wasn't planning to
      I've always loved you
          I've never left you

"Are you ******* your TA"
The actual ****
      Why
I've
never
Given
Anyone else
The time of day.
Why talk to me that way

Im sure it's projection
But give me a breath man
I'm drowning trying make you happy
Your boot prints on my waterlogged shoulders

"Am I excited to come home"
I dont really know
Who I'm comming home to
Anymore
What happened to you

Aint that the way of it though
Each new thing
You think you love more
But i guess (lately...doing this again)
What i really want to know
Is it really better (or more)
Or just different.

It took me so long to learn
that being in love doesn't mean
holding tight to each others hands
so you both drown
its letting go so you can both swim to the surface
you are so light
like air for breathing.

I shouldnt be excited
By you kissing me goodbye
in public
But my heart makes jack hammer beats
And i shouldnt
Love the way your voice sounds
But it makes music
And the fact that you love
The way i nerd out
Shouldent make me feel special
But it does

Raw garlic as a throat lozenge
tucked into my cheeks
biting down and gaging at the bitter taste
it was starting to grow green
still alive despite sitting on a shelf
a tea of cayenne pepper
and honey
and apple-cider vinegar
and some more garlic for good measure
this is disgusting
and it goes down harder than cheap malt liquor
like going slow
when my nature is to jump in
shouting i love you from roof tops
i dance around it now
because though my nature has been
openness in the past
the pain has closed me up
getting better is an odd thing
its unpleasant
it takes time

I've been trying
To drink the same cup of coffee
All ******* day
And every time it crosses my lips
It taste off
Because I think about,
You liking the way
I tasted like coffee and sweetness
When you kissed me that day
At least you said
I've lost another 5lbs
I look better in a swim suit
Than I did two weeks ago
I smelled like chlorine and beauty
And that's not even a smell
At least you said
I write poetry
I think about
How you missed my words
Needed me around so badly
At least you said
I think you might have lied
Though you promised me truth
But if truth is what you've always said
Then something has become a lie
Or you don't know what you said

Its 6 am
The cicadas fill the air
With their repetative songs
Of lust
Just out of time
With the ticking clock on the wall
Its just enough
to keep and insomniac awake
But so is silence.

Its 6 am
and i wish i could lace
My pink running shoes
And chase the bats from my head
With the sherbert coloured sunrise
Yet they are burried
In my back seat
Under all the things
I somehow aquired.
And dont want anymore

Its 6 am
And i like the silence
Of my own breathing
Filling the strange room
And i dont know
Despite being half mad
And displaced
I find a smile on my lips
A kind of bliss in the solitude.
And now:
I have so much time to read.

People seem to have this thing where they want to be the one that leaves. I don’t know if it’s because being left is painful or if it is because being left seems to carry some shame with it. I have no interest in leaving first. I never have. I will leave if I have to but I feel no shame at being left. People seem to think leaving means you won; it means you arose victorious over this relationship. You got out before it dragged you down. In most cases I see the opposite. You see I won the argument that most relationships are famous for: I stayed, I loved you more. When all your words turned to lies in your mouth I stood unwavering in what I said and what I felt. It’s not a pride thing, it’s a me thing. I have no interest in winning by leaving, none in self-preservation, or in dodging pain. I only endeavor to pursue love. As a writer I know there is truth to the idea that love is the driving force of story. I do not seek to cut it short, to lesson my pain or theirs. Whether it’s between friends or lovers, I know it’s going to hurt, I simply do not care.

Why is it never the right time? You are favorite forest paths of childhood. You are deepest desires of heart and mind. You are fire pure and true, and yet, I never get burned by you. You've gotten so cold, I've gotten so warm. You've gone from ocean to stone, I cannot stir you though I am still storm. I might as well be silent for all the difference I make. I know I am light but you wont let me, we are always out of sync. Our hearts always cry at different times. And now you refuse to love. And it was my doing it was i that broke your heart, and your pride let you decide you didn't want to love someone how you loved me again. Listen to your favorite song you know the name that you put with love. I do too, I hate that its always the wrong time with you.

For the first time in months
I fell asleep smiling
And slept all hours
Untill long past dawn.

The atlantic was born today
In silence and simultaneous storms.

I can't believe
I let this happen
Twice in a summer
My sutures pulled apart
I can't believe
I let them both
Drive steaks into my heart
****
You hurt me too
My heart's such a ******* fool
I hate him
I hate you
How could you say things so cruel
Why would you
I just wanted to speak
You screamed at me
You didn't care
Didn't give a **** about me
*******
I love you
You don't treat me that way
Because you're broke and hurting
I shouldn't be
Something you just throw away
I cried for him today
For the first time in a while.
And I cried for you too
And the fact you left me hyperventilating on a closet floor
You don't help me anymore
I called to help you
******* for not letting me try
And for making me feel so small

I called my mom
To ask if this is normal
Ive been with you
For 3 months
And im sorta infatuated
And i like you more everyday
And i admire you
But i dont love you yet
Everyone says thats normal
But love has always hit me like a freight train
And im wondering how much time
I should spend waiting on the track
With you
What if it never comes
My mom just reexplained insanity and said
And how have those frieght train loves
Worked out for you?
Fair point

My heart feels like it's holding its breath.
Like a two year old mid tantrum
and blue in the face,
knowing it can't
hold out
much longer.

I'm sitting on the ground
Somewhere in Charlotte
To tired and sad to move
Getting eaten by bugs
I can't identify
I just wish you would call me
So I could feel
that we were still alright

I met your easy laugh on the ocean
where fire beings seem to love to be.
We like flirting with impossible unions.
We came together to the sound of wave crash
sizzling like water on a stove top
spilled out by shaking hands.
bright beings lost in fever for each other.
I couldn't leave you in the ocean
the last day found my hands shaking around paper
pushed light int your pocket
I know you've kept it safe  
so i wonder if the way we walked on the islands
is burned into your memory.
I wonder if i am new in the place of your sweet tooth
you are new in my list of addictions
under the label
"not bad for you"
I wonder if I'm filed under
girl who laughs and loves like a teenager
free and unguarded
for the first time sense the first time
I'm not a warning at the port mouth
pecked apart by crows and groaning
this is a pirates love affair
you've amnesty or the map to the treasure
all that's left is the choosing.

Have you ever been so in love
You stopped writing poetry
Gone months
without pouring yourself  onto pages
Because moments
are sweeter than poems
Or reserved writing for mornings
When you wake to early
And instead of wallowing
In insomniac day dreams of sleep
You sit up, to him sleeping beside you
And pull pen from your bedside
And think
It's been to long
since I've written him poetry
I love him so Deeply I know
There are never enough words to say
But still I'll keep trying

Feeling for you is
frightening
You smile like the sun
Bright on new fallen snow.

I think i've hoped for you forever
someone who can understand
the sadness in my eyes
who can feel the same turning uncertainty

If you establish it with me first
i can be anything
from one night stand to summer fling
(about this I
am a liar but you wont know)
if i like you enough
if you are a good enough friend
i’ll put my heart on a high shelf for something temporary
but if those three words cross your lips
you better clarify how you mean them
and if you really love me
you better know what that actually means
I am crazy
i have worlds in my brain
and more often than not
i cannot stop myself from speaking in flowering phrases
and poetry
my tongue is a fountain of those things
if you find them pretentious
do not cross my path
do not make a blind grab for a heart you cannot hold
without breaking
i have precious little confidence in myself
i do not need another
to tell me that what i am doing is less than beautiful.
a warning
The beginning is always spinning wonder
but you must realize there are stages to love
at some point we will grow tired
and confused i need you to find yourself with me not without me
loving me means fighting
without tearing me down.
I also warn you that i am clingy
i do not like being alone
so unless you want to spend every minute of your time with me
make sure i keep my friends
and take me out to meet yours.
another warning
i am fragile
i am easily disrupted and destroyed
so unless your strong hands
build more than they break
unless you create more than you take
do not touch me
i am tired of being loved
by a man that has no idea how to love me.
I have a friend i could refer you to
he knows how to love me
despite that he does not  romantically
but he knows my body
like a musician knows their violin
and my mind
like the favorite forest paths of childhood
he reads me like a script he needs
to commit to memory
savoring every word
he gives me leave to be
whatever i need to be
he asks me for no apologies for who i am
unless you can do that and love me as well
and love me like i am everything,
because i will love you like you are,
then you have no business loving me.
but if you know you can do those things
by all means try, i invite you to love me

I just wanna pull my heart out
I just wanna pull my heart out
I just wanna pull my heart out
And leave it back in your pocket
In your cold and silent chest
Where you keep all your emotions locked
Like your Sunday best
You never go to churches
So you'll never say my name
Like a reverent Sunday prayer
So ill never be the same

I want you for your voice is a quiet rumble,
a crackling fire's song.
And when you speak my fears, all crumble.
I cannot part from you for long.

I want you for your dark eyes are warm spring soil
nurturing pale first leaves.
Your personality for mine, a perfect foil,
each action meeting a secret need.

I want you for ******* you my dear, is essential;
it is part and parcel and key.
Do not think me un-sentimental;
for you mean all this and more to me.

You're each direction on my compass: North, South, East, and West.
You are where I find my laughter, my passion, and my rest.

How do we know each other
so well?
we pay attention
we see more, than anyone else.

The sky, last night as if fell asleep, was the wrong color
i know whats just how light pollution goes
But still i just huddled in my sheets
unsteady breathing
today the sky is silver grey
and the birds are singing their winter songs
I always wonder how the key is never wrong
they are always in harmony.

My brain likes to auto destruct
And feed poison thoughts
I know you are better
than the rest

You're smiley I'm silent
You look concerned
I know I just cannot help anymore

God I miss
You
As I am laying
Intoxicated
On my friends floor.

“And you are fire,”
Did you see it?
The shooting star madness
Deliriousness… speak
Squeal something
Don’t recognize this
Don’t know what it is.
Do you see
Ice melting off my fingers
The board at my back
My hand in the flame
I’ve never had someone know,
Who wasn’t made to see
with time
or talent
or speech

The out breaks
Like porcelain when she makes you make
A real choice
When the words
We can't hang out cross her lips
It feels like she's exercising her heart
With a rusty razor blade
Like the kind you pull along your jaw
She loves you and knows
Looking in your eyes you can never say it
You will never be free to
You cannot grow like that
You crumble

Everything burst
And my heart feels like a water main
Bled onto main street
Nothings ever hurt this bad
I'm older now and I wanna scream till I'm horse
Like the first time my heart ever broke
I'm older now and I do not break like that

Virginity is meaningless
but since you asked
I lost mine to a boy in a green sweater
two years ago I would have described
that sweater as ocean depths
now it is bile, thick and heavy
his eyes would have been a blue storm
now they are remembered as watery and weak.
He was growing sick at parting
trusted to keep me safe.
I learned to late that possession
was all he wanted of me,
that he would rip the "I" from my body
and replace it with "His".

I want to be a villanelle
two repeating lines you see
over and over
and they stick in your brain
i want to be your rule of threes
but the sort that repeats everyday
something that strikes you as you wonder why
you've seen it a thousand times
i wanna be the book of poems
on your bed side table
the one with the flowers on the cover
that you read before bed
i want to be the songs inside your head
I just want to be something
you cannot loose

Now I understand the flame of your presence
to my lofty moth wings
and my icarus heart
your sadness is sweet love potion
aphrodisiac comfort of childhood
I see the echoes of my soul
in your deep river eyes
calm surfaced with a storm underneath
I come from the same water
your multifunction brain,
Analytics and creativity
you've argued once before that only schizos
can process two complex ideas at the same time
and i wonder how deep my problems go
because that cant possibly be true
I've told you I've worlds in my brain
i process multiple lives simultaneously
I know you feel me
I see you, I've whispered crazy things all my life
you think you're bizarre
i think we are alike.

I am excited
I am woman
in a time when things are changing
for us.
I can feel new waves
of acceptance
braking over the edge
of a weakening dam.

I am excited
for those that follow
who are like me
and
who are different
may they not
sit in their rooms at thirteen
wondering if they
somehow are wrong
and if they do
may they figure out before 20
that all about them
is okay

Somewhere inside my ribcage
the one your hands grasp
and linger over
the one that holds my lungs
that are fit to burst when i see you
is a heart which loves you
it relishes your words
and only beats your name
in its frantic paces
and its rare steady ones
as it stumbles and rushes
and when I am peacefully in your arms
holding you close
my head on your shoulder
just feeling you solidly there
and writing stories
and sharing love
and with you
my entire world is music
and my heart loves your heart
because i can hear it speaking with mine
somewhere beneath your ribcage
beside the lungs that give volume
to precious words
is your heart
and i can feel it beat against my hand
and i can hear you say
that you love me

I wanna see you again
And tease kisses
And run away from you
With a smile
You stare into my eyes
Like you are trying
To say something
And I am left wondering
What goes on in your head.

I once thought I had never loved
But you
It's true and it isn't
I can remember thinking that I loved before
I can remember tearstreaked eyes
And heart pain
But as I lye next to you
In our bed
The way this feels makes
Every other so insignificant and meaningless
That I know I have only really loved you
You're the only one that matters
A truth I'm finally okay with

You are a mouthful of flowers
And the way your heart beats like a drum
Im so glad to have you for a moment
Whispering in panicked ears
Please let me keep you

It's five am, and there's a slow soaking rain.
It came with a single clap of thunder.
It carries
not only the washed clean smell
of falling water,
but also flowers,
Red maple bark,
and autumn leaves.
There's not an ounce of light yet,
but I swear I feel the warmth
just below the horizon
like love that has yet to blossom.
Its echo whispers. Give it time.