Do you ever feel like you want sadness?
Like wet wood that would like to be lit
But it will burn to death if it was
Do you ever want to have a feeling
With tears running down your cheek
Because it is the only way to know
You can still feel?

Do you ever just want to feel like
Your jumping into an ocean of ink
Because it's better than just feeling "fine"?
Or "good"? Or even anger, because you know
That anger will eventually turn into shame
For the things you said
Or the words you didn't utter

Do you ever just hunger for a feeling
of choking on emotion that left you
a voice mail and you were too scared
to answer but your ready to call back
Do you ever just want to crumble into
The flames of depression because
it's more comfortable than the feeling
of your emotions withering away to ash


Do you ever just want to drown
in your tears, because its better than
feeling numb to the events in your life
Or lack thereof, so school and therapy
are the only interactions with humans you have
And going out of that room will be
meaningless because you have no
plans today like always so the only
Event you can have is
A panic attack or feeling suicidal

Do you ever just want to be depressed
Because it is easier to identify
Like wet wood that would like to be lit
Because burning alive is better than the chill of just surviving

Lead
I wake up and my head is as heavy as lead
The bed is hugging me tightly
telling me that if I stay, ill be safe
The bed drown me comfortingly
with the tears that I've wept

Sting
My eyes sting from the lack of sleep
they sting like my tears are poison
I walk to school obstinately
because I know I am part of a hoard fo depressed children
trying not to succumb to the urge to **** themselves
before the gunman does that job for us


Black
While I'm writing my 3rd essay this week
a black cloud suffocates me
its smoke climbing its way into my airway
turning into ink as it enters my lungs
I walk around with the cloud

Cry
I am trying to keep myself together
when we get a division problem
a simple equation that anyone could do
but I forget how to divide by 5
I feel the tears crawling from my chest
I start to feel like I cant breath
I choke down the tears

Pills
I have to take pills now
they help
I'm not ashamed of it
though I'm scared
I'm scared that if I run out
I'm going to hurt myself...
But I won't. I need to have confidence in myself

Please seek help

Sometimes I want to be with people
But others I want to be alone.
When I say I want to be with people
I mean I want to watch a video
While you sit and drink wine
Though this is interpreted as rude
For me this is heaven
A place where no one is overwhelmingly happy
A place where there can be sound
But I am relaxed

When I mean relaxed I mean not feeling like my bones are melting in my chest
Or like my vocal cords are sealed shut

So when I'm in a crowded room of people chattering
I see my dog lying on the floor, untouched
I want to be that dog
To be that dog who no one expects to be talking or doing activities

I'm in that room a person though
Getting the life ****** out of me
My vocal cords shaped off
My bones melting in my chest

I smile back at there's but its fake
I feel like they know
They know how tired I am
How dark the bags under my eyes are
How shook my voice is

When my mother tells me to get off my phone
She doesn't understand that my phone
Is a task
a task to distract my mind from the noise
So when I put this down I am aware
When I am aware I am scared
When I am scared I do not function
When I don't function I can not talk so there is no right answer here

Me
I am a Cliche
I love art and am very reserved
I am bisexual and love to yell it off rooftops
I love video games
I love to read
I am in Love with

You
You are Independent
You walk by me in the halls and Smile
You the locker next to mine and
You are the one I spend my weekends with
You have let me into your bed, tho nothing happened
I wish it did
You are into other girls
You do not love

Me
I tried to tell you once, remember?
You thought I was joking
I Hear your name and blush
I think of our conversations... should I have said that?
I sit in your bed and realize that "This" is never going to be a reality
I lay in my bed and cry about

You
You look at Her
You see Her in class and smile
You hear Her name and Blush
You got her a necklace...
I don't know why, but when I heard that... I felt a ping guilt
You don't look at

Me
I fantasize about you and me
I Feel the hot shame of loving You
I want to stop loving you
I love

You

I am scared
I'm at a party I don't want to go to
I'm in a corner, trying to vanish into the wall
My heart is racing, but they don't know that
I'm in a dress far too tight for comfort
I feel my body going limp, but if I fall the director will yell


She walks to me, smile on her face and glimmer in her eye
My mind goes blank, black
She talks, but I don't hear her, I mean I do
but its ******* my heartbeat
I force a smile, but my eyes are wide
The director comes over, tells me to talk
I shake my head
She pushes me on stage, spotlights blinding me
I stand there, forcing a smile but tears in my eyes
The director pulls me back
I tell her I can't do it

“But they love you! They love you!”
It doesn't matter
I can't do it
The tears run down my cheek


“They love you”
My ears ring
“They love you”
My chest hurts
“They love you”
My vision blurs
“THEY LOVE YOU”
My knees buckle
“THEY LOVE YOU”
I cant breath
“THEY LOVE YOU!”
I cant hear over the screaming
“THEY LOVE YOU. THEY LOVE YOU.
THEY LOVE YOU THEY LOVE YOU THEY LOVE YOU!”