It’s a trap
This dance you do
The struggle
subtly seduces you
catches you,
hook,
line
and sinker.

You twist and tango with your soul’s
Wildfire delight
You take two steps backward
And you loop round again
and again.

When
will
It
end

When will you release
and receive
Your heart’s truth?

Bring it,  
Fall forward
And repeat.

No one’s evening listening
And still you retreat.

It’s a viscous ravishing of life’s wondrous feast,
in and over and on itself,
You starve,
And you crave,
And you want more of what you don’t have.

And then the mirror reveals,
That the more is already
You just want it closer

And

That
is where it lands.

The step you must take isn’t a step forward,
Nor a step back
At all

It’s an allowing

Remember me
The one you didn’t know you needed
All woman, soft tender wet
With curves that made you hard
And drew forth your animal
Remember my ocean
Waters deep you dive into
Liquid sweet to quench you
Remember the fire
That burned my resistance
It burns still
Remember
The Phoenix woman rises
Time and again
She lifts you up
For it is now your time
To shine
Slay those demons that pull you down
Remove distractions and noise
Allow the pressure to reveal facets of greatness you have yet to discover
That I see so clearly
Rise my beloved
Rise
Rumble with your terror, this beast of vulnerability, wrestle that bear to the ground
And emerge victorious
I will be here upon your return
Nourished within myself,
Empowered in my work and my life
Ripe with readiness
To feed your starving
To nourish your weary
To feast on mutual desire
And remind you who you are

Poetry, plants, painting, peace
Swimming, singing, sauna
Repeat

Nourishing, nurturing
Flourishing, furnishing

Baking, booking, bedding, bath-ing
Tickling, hiding, seeking, laughing

Sitting in silence

Walking in sunshine

Barefeet on sand

Coffee with friends

Pick ups, drop offs
playdates and parties

Nights out, nights in

Good friends and gin

New moons and full moons

A sky full of stars

Cycles and circles
Women and tea

Poetry, plants, painting, peace
Swimming, singing, sauna
Repeat

I bumped up against someone this week
and saw myself
so clearly

It made me run for the hills
terrified of
the avalanche

The avalanche of emotion
rumbling and
rolling
coming on fast

Of feeling something
other than pain
and grief

Of embracing life
and being
free again

He's slipping away.

Slowly

and all of a sudden.

I lay with him hour after hour
minute after minute
as if we have all the time in the world

and know that he'll be gone before I know it
that his passing will pass
in what will seem like a heartbeat.

His life, his spirit
are like cloth
being pulled through my hands
from an unknown source

and no matter how I try
I just can't grasp hold of it.

I can't slow it down
I can't grip it.

I want to talk to him and share my feelings
but he's not able
nor is it appropriate
for him to hear me or to comfort me.

He is somewhere else now
Somewhere between here and there
And it is I who must comfort him.

My eyes are raw, my head thumping
My chest is heavy and sore
from the full-body convulsions
of grief-stricken, silent cries
into the dark of the night.

I can't sleep
I can't think
I can't meditate

I drink wine
I watch tv
I cry

I think about our daughter
and my shattered heart breaks
even more.

I hold his flesh covered bones
and whisper love notes in his ear
through torrential tears.

He coughs,
holds his hand to his head,
mutters something absurd
and falls back to
weird sleep.

He is dying

Right by my side

It is the culmination of seven long years
and so much fight.

I've been here in my mind before
but I've never
been here before.

How do you possibly prepare?
and still
I am prepared.

But that moment,
the one that is going to take my own breath away

I'm not prepared
and it's happening

And then what?

I don't want to think about it.

No fuss, no fanfare

Just grief.

And people.

Hugs and hugs.

Is all I want.

And then,
there must be a celebration.

For a life was lived

In a most extraordinary way.

And there is so much to celebrate about that.

And life will go on, they say.
I'm not sure how but I'm certain it will.

And so I lay here

And savour every last breath
and sacred moment we have left together
in these bodies
and this lifetime.

And I whisper,
over and over again...

I love you.

We agreed
lets take some space
to breathe

But I can't breathe

So now what?

Today
I let you go..
again.
Releasing the last remains of your physical body
into your beloved ocean.
It was time.
And as I scattered your dust into the wind
expecting to linger there with you for a while
watching the patterns form on the surface of the sea
a powerful rush of water came in from behind me
and took you away..
so rapidly, so forcefully.
An immediate affirmation.
You are gone.
And I go on.

If I did love you,
I would have to open
to the vastness
of your universe,
and breathe so
deeply

If I did love you,
I would have to loosen
the tight chains
on my heart,
and free fall  
slowly

If I did love you,
I would have to allow
the sultry song
of your soul
to flow through
me

If I did love you,
I would have to embrace
the emerging reality
of my dreams
expressed into
being

If I did love you,
life could be
a dance of joyful
self discovery and
healing