I feel it bubbling up again
Like nausea, the feeling right before you *****
Uncontrollable and unstoppable
And utterly gut wrenching and ugly
A crush---

I can't just crush on you
Without being crushed
The weight of wanting like a boulder on my chest
It hurts, it heaves
It takes over my brain like a parasite
I feel little worms carrying thoughts of you across my synapses
Eventually, my cells will be rewritten with your image
The image that I've created in my head
And the image of me that I imagine you want

I will look in the mirror and I will no longer see my face
I will only see through your eyes, I will see myself as what I need to change to be wanted by you

I can't do this
I'm ripping you off my skin, I'm clawing my way back through the mirror
I am holding my eyes wide open
Reality check---
I can't lose myself in someone else again
I can't break my own heart
I can't crush or be crushed

Why does everyone want their love
Crazy, intense
An explosion and implosion
Of emotion and longing?
I want my love
Calm, and steady,
The tide rolling in and out
The ocean on a windless day
I want my passion to last me
Into the next life
I want it to be something
I can have with all of senses
I want it like
Coming home after a long vacation
And falling into your own bed
I want it like
A low burning fire
That keeps me warm all night

I almost never look at them anymore
The scars left behind
White lines
And Dashes
Across my left wrist
One from when my cat scratched me
One from the first time I coped with a blade
One from before I knew how to hide them
I almost never look
But they’re still there, and they look at me
And sometimes, 8 years later
I get so unstable
I want to pick up the scissors
I want to see the pain taking form
So that I don’t have to hold it in
Anymore, but
I don’t because I feel like
It would create a burden on you that
I’m not willing to place and
Because I know I’m stronger than the scissor blades
And because
I like to wear sleeveless shirts even in the winter

There’s nothing there
There’s nothing there
There’s nothing there
Except this fear
Crawling up my spine, crushing my lungs
I
gasp, inhale a short quick breath
Turn, or run, or nothing?
because I know, there’s nothing there…
But what if there is?

I still remember,
The gasp.
It escaped from your lips
Followed by a desperate moan
The first time you saw me,
My body,
Exposed, vulnerable,
Laid out in front of you.
I still remember,
You grabbed a hold of me,
Pressed your lips to mine,
You haven’t let go since.

You give me
A breath of fresh air,
Then
You take my breath away
In one instant, then another,
I shiver, fear, then,
I feel your arms and I’m safe.
Your eyes,
Full of adoration,
Drilling the truth into me.
I blink, the world changes, yet
You remain the same.
As my anchor you pull me,
Down, down, down.
I thought I was afraid of drowning,
But I was really just afraid of
Sinking alone.
Your hooks sink into me,
Into my heart and my veins,
And you whisper;
‘I’ll never let you go.’
For once, I can say back;
‘I know’.

Fear,
It covers me like vines.
Dark, crawling vines,
That corrupt even your most innocent parts.
It will bring me to my knees,
And make me question.
Nothing is safe,
No thought,
No emotion,
No love.
With fear inside,
It all burns and turns black then,
Blows away like ashes.
A wind that will never return.

With fear, I am in solitude.
Vines digging deeper,
Slithering into my mind,
Finding my deepest darkest secrets.
It brings everything to the surface,
Saying;
‘You are weak, you are nothing, you are failure.’
And I can’t deny it.
I hope this fear won’t dig into my heart,
With you gone,
Fear will consume.

Who are we?
An ever changing being?
No name, no face.
A figure as soft as a breath
In the morning chill.
Absorbing into nothing,
A phantom in a world of ghosts.
We have a spine,
But it is so easily broken,
That it is useless.
We have a body,
As fragile as glass.
It is pointless.
So I would rather be a breath,
and I would rather be a ghost.
I would rather be a being,
Invincible from the sorrows of man,
What a dream that is!
But we are broken beings,
And we always will be.
Until we become the breath invisible in the air.
Until we no longer know who we are.
Until we absorb into the nothing.

Your heart beats in my chest,
My heart bares your name.
This feeling burning hot inside me,
We can never be the same.
This chemical reaction,
Has left me naked and scared,
But your arms clothe me,
And your kiss repairs.
Every broken part of me,
That I kept hidden away;
Scared if you saw my gnarled insides,
You’d be disgusted by the decay.
Yet you remain, like a vice,
Holding me together.
Keeping me solid and warm,
Through the coldest of weather.
Our souls are now entwined,
And in the quiet I hear you heart.
I know it would break me,
If we were ever ripped apart.
This feeling leaves me trembling,
But you brush away my fears.
With a single look, a single kiss,
You can stop all my tears.
With your heart beating in mine,
And your lips kissing my name,
And my flesh burning against yours,
I know I’ll never be the same.

I wanna tear my heart open
Tear my chest wide
Expose my beating heart
But for some reason I hide
Maybe it’s the curse of Virgo
That makes me appear so cold
On the outside I am coal-black
But on the inside I’m glittering gold
Until someone cracks me open
I fear I’ll stay inside these walls
I am alone in my fortress
But I wish that I could fall
Into your arms, unafraid
With no doubt that you’ll catch me
But this fear remains, like a cage
And inside fear I can’t be free
So I’ll take a knife to myself
And I’ll keep on trying
And hopefully you’ll want to help
And together we’ll keep prying
Maybe one day the walls will fall
And I’ll stand alone for you to see
I’ll be exposed from inside out
And my emotions will be set free

Softer than moonlight,
Sharper than the sun.
When you hit my skin,
Not with force but...
With this passion,
It stings and I want to cry,
All my tears brought to the surface.
I don’t understand how you do this,
Under the blue light,
Under the bright sky,
In the middle of a snow storm,
Across 10,000 miles,
You turn me inside out,
Exposing the raw,
The ugly,
And there’s nowhere to hide,
From that gaze.
You force me into myself,
Where I can only be,
Everything I hoped.

My solitude,
Is self induced.
It is not your burden,
But mine.
I will carry this on my own.
You’re love is strong,
Darling, so kind, so gentle,
Everything I always said I wanted.
Yet here you are,
Staring at me with eyes,
Blue like the sky and deep as the sea,
And I cannot accept it.
My heart aches to be free,
It’s been held down for so long.
Suppressed by myself and past lovers.
I need this time,
To be alone,
To be free,
To be in my solitude.

Are you a ghost,
have you died?
Because you haunt me in my sleep
I lay down,
I close my eyes,
and there you are just waiting for me
Sometimes we play,
sometimes we fight,
Sometimes I’m sitting there alone
And sometimes
I wake in fright
Because I know it’s all a hoax

There are lights all around,
And yet darkness still prevails.
This artificial sun,
Cannot over power nature.
The ecstasy of that hot star,
Against my freezing skin,
I am nothing without this.
Sun, Fire, Moon,
Water, Earth, Air,
I cannot live without them,
They can **** me without care.
I want, I need, consuming.
Material things are an illusion,
Distracting us from the truth.
We do not know what is real,
Because we do not know what isn’t.
This world captures my interest,
But I cannot stay here long.

If I push far enough
Past insanity,
Will I become sane?
Or have I already accomplished,
A feat so brave,
So daring,
In those early hours,
As I drifted, half-conscious,
Aware of my different state,
Aware of myself soaring,
I was a bird, you know,
If that’s not sane,
I don’t know what is.

Once there was a little duck,
Who felt so all alone.
Little did the ducky know,
He could just pick up the phone.
The little duck had no hope,
He was filled with such despair.
He felt his life was purposeless,
And he was a waste of air.
So one day the little duck
Dove to the bottom of the pond.
He was prepared to leave this world,
And see what was beyond.
But another duck saw him dive,
And dove right after him.
She brought him up,
And hugged him close,
And they went for a swim.
She told him that she knew his pain,
And used to feel the same,
But together they could swim all day,
And close friends they became.
The little duck no longer felt
Quite so all alone,
And with his new friend by his side,
This world now feels like home.

Synapses are firing,
The pain is being processed,
Where has it started?
Endorphins are released,
The pain killer is searching for the source.
How silly, this system,
It cannot recognize this kind of pain,
The source is not inside,
but outside,
The source is all around me,
The pain of humanity,
and no amount of vicodin,
or endorphins,
Can stop it,
or calm it.
It is there, infinite,
Consuming me.
I am silent in this moment,
As I use all my senses to quiet the world,
I force myself back into my body.
There, I can believe, in only myself.
There, I can ignore,
The pain.

They ask;
“What’s gotten into you?”
If only I knew.
A darkness,
Or a light,
I cannot be sure.
It’s spreading through me,
******* it’s way through my system,
Attaching to my spine,
Becoming my cells,
A replica of me,
but different.
Replaced every so often,
I am new again.
Just like you,
But not at all.
You cannot see to the core of me,
To the center where the silver flashes,
And where the imagination is rampant.
My heart is my own,
And I finally answer;
“All that has gotten into me,
Is myself.”

Creativity,
It’s like lightning.
I’m told it doesn’t strike in the same place twice,
But it strikes me over,
And over,
And over.
In the dark of midnight,
In the in between,
It has no sense of time.
It cares not about my tired mind.
The words like pounding rain,
Bouncing around my skull.
I cannot shut it off,
I cannot silence it.
They waver like a scream in my throat,
Building,
And I must release it.

I wake up
A scream in my throat
An echo of a dream
Tearing the seams
My sanity is waning
The darkness is fading
I come back to reality,
Is this reality?
Or have I woken in another dream?
because without you here,
That’s what I hope it is,
And I fear,
You’re really gone.
Is it possible?
Close my eyes,
I’ll dream of you, until
Until I feel your flesh brush mine
Until I’m sure that the lies
My mind
has developed are just that,
a sick fantasy,
because reality can’t be real,
without you.

I want to feel the cold and let it seep within
Until my blood is a slush in my veins
Then I will thaw myself out by the fire
and pretend that the warmth is you

And when the spring comes and the world is alive
And the breeze brushes my hair to the side
And the grass tickles my arms
I’ll pretend that it’s all you

I’ll go out at night in the dark
And let strangers hold my hand and make me smile
And maybe I’ll forget who they are
Because I’ll only see you

When my heart echos with the pain of the past
And the future holds no more room for us
I’ll close my eyes and dream a while
Because in my dreams there’s you

And when I finally realize I’m holding on
To a ghost who is terrorizing me
Who I let drown me and pull me down
Then maybe I’ll let go of you

Until then I think I’ll sit here
And wonder how I could ever be so naive
As to think that a fragile thread could never break
As to think that I would never lose you

How silly it seems now in hindsight
Wondering if this pain is real or if it’s what I think I should feel
Shouldn’t I just know?
I can do better than you.

fear, pulsing with my blood
like spikes through my veins
originating from the center
that fast beating heart
my mind cannot stop it
it cannot be controlled
frozen, insides caught in barbed wire
shooting through, down to my toes
disappears
just as fast as it came
it’s gone
leaving me
defenseless.

Is there a storm inside of me,
A hurricane?
Invisible to the outside world?
I think,
It can’t be so.
I smile, I laugh, I function,
Yet there’s still that voice,
Is it mine?
I can’t tell.
But it’s there all the same.
And in silent nights,
Alone,
I tear myself apart,
From the inside,
And hope that what I unearth,
Won’t **** me.

This skin is just a fence,
and this skeleton a cage,
I want to escape it,
I want to break it.
I’ll rip the flesh away,
And I’ll break every bone,
Until there’s nothing..
Except something.
Broken pieces left behind.
I may have lost my mind,
But my soul is free.
My soul is free,
I’ve escaped my mortal bounds,
And collapsed my ego.
And now I see,
What really is me;
Not the flesh,
Not the bones,
Not the heart...
Beating, beating.
I am this ethereal sliver,
Invisible to their eyes,
But still as real as a breath.
And now I’m free.

My rib cage,
Where my heart lays,
Beating so loud.
Emotions,
They’re circling around,
Going so fast I’m sure my bones will break.
Should I just shut off?
Should I remain alone?
This vibration is hard to take.
Anxiety swallows me,
And I question my existence,
And I question you,
And I wonder if it’s worth it,
Because this rib cage,
It’s smaller than these emotions,
And they might just break out,
Destroying me.

There’s a pressure.
It’s building,
Inside of my head.
My skull, it might crack,
Soon I’ll be dead.
It’s clogging my throat,
My nose,
Even ears.
I can’t breath, I can’t think,
I can’t even,
Shed tears.
My vision is blurry,
Like a film,
White and thin,
Has laid over my cornea.
And sunken,
Right in.
It just keeps on building,
And I think;
‘This must be it’
But it just keeps on building,
And I’m not,
Dead yet.

We are
One Ocean
Individual drops
Making up a whole
It’s an illusion
This difference
The difference that is really the same
You are me
We are mirrors
Individual drops
In one big ocean

I wasn’t locked away in this tower,
I put myself there.
I threw the key down below,
With no regret or despair.
I didn’t let my hair grow,
I kept it cut short,
I didn’t call out for help,
I didn’t need support.
I didn’t stare out the window,
And dream of the day,
When I would be rescued,
Swept off my feet and whisked away.
And when I heard knocking,
And shouts from below,
I kept myself hidden,
And stayed away from the window.
And now you’ve climbed up,
And invaded this space,
It once was a haven,
But now it’s haunted with your face.
I didn’t want you, white knight.
I didn’t need to be saved.
But you’re eyes were so gentle,
And slowly I caved.

When I am alone
I think,
Too much?
No, too little,
I’m afraid,
No long length of thinking
Can ever come around full circle
There’s always something,
Missing...
A puzzle not quite fitting
And I wonder what my thoughts are
Or if these are my thoughts at all
Who am I?
Am I a soul, a body, a product?
Generic, unoriginal, vapid, useless,
Anything I chose to be?
Is it possible,
In this dying world,
That I could be something alive?

I love to the moon and back,
but no, farther than that,
Because my love knowns no distance,
That short.
I love to the edges of the universe,
The edges of existence,
The edges that don’t exist.
Stretching on,
Searching for an end but finding none.
That is how much I love.
It is all consuming and it never stops,
So don’t cut the circle,
Don’t stop loving,
Because I never will.

The world is cold and dark and mean
Fingers pulling at the seams
So strange, peculiar like a dream
So many faces blur and twist
All with whom distortion has kissed
Battering normality like a fist
Women flaunt and flirt and twirl
Many not much different than girls
Oblivious to this violating world
Innocence flutters at the rim
Cringing from the tearing sin
Fighting, craving, the sickness wins
The men are not what they appear
Prescribing pills to stop the fear
Those same pills that hold it near
They smile and wave and flash their eyes
Girls trust them in their clever disguise
Not knowing they should turn and hide
Then there are those who lurk and creep
Hiding in the shadows deep
They come and find you as you sleep
Others, in the darkness gleam
Out of them some lightness streams
They make tolerable a taunting dream.

Like a bug on a windshield
I’m splattered
A *****, unwanted mark
On an otherwise pristine surface
Unnoticed,
I blend in with all the others
But maybe one day,
this car will stop,
I’ll peel myself off
And I’ll fly away.

Do you ever wonder
If when you die
You’re really just paralyzed?
If you’re still in there?
Maybe we can feel ourselves
Decomposing
As our bodies are slowly invaded
By maggots,
And other insects,
Crawling and eating our flesh
Turning our once homes
Into unrecognizable things,
Into a carcass.
And in one thousand years,
We’ll be discovered,
And out of empty eye sockets we’ll look up,
at the future-humans who look at us,
With questioning eyes,
Questions we had the answer to once,
And maybe could remember,
If only we still had control.

A kiss,
soft, sweet
.
Never ending bliss
.
Defined by heart beats
.
Reality hits hard,

A reaction has occurred.

Will we ever be the same?

You are a thief
And you stole my heart
Ran off
Disappeared
Came back again
Like the phases of the moon
You’ll always return
I can hear the beating
Closer, closer,
Heart recognizing body
I swear this time I’ll take it back
But I know I’ll let you keep it
Always.

Fingers pulling at my hair
The wind is back again
All blue and silver and wild and free
I missed my lifelong friend
But where was the white light
When I needed it so badly?
With the devil stroking at my back,
The fire growing madly
The purple flecks upon the eyes
Of the innocent and broken
Magic can rarely be retained
And even rarer be spoken
Engulfing me in white and gold
A reminder of the dreamland
The memory is fading now
Sinking in the quick sand
The fingers are pulling harder now
This wind is not my old friend
A trick, a fiend, a clever con
To rip my beating heart wide open

Confined in a cage of flesh and bone
We’re all cursed to be alone
Layers holding our souls inside
Trapped in cycles like the tide
I’m in a constant battle to let others in
But they can’t seep into my skin
My mind is my own and no one else
Can carry the burden of myself
My very essence locked inside
This world has rules that I must abide
My soul would fly and my soul would soar
But body is pulled down by the core
The cage I wait in will wither and decay
And my soul, released, will fly away

I think so much,
I wonder,
Can I survive,
If I turn my world upside down?
It might crash,
But can I come back,
Like a phoenix,
From the ash,
Of a forgotten place,
One long ago surrendered,
A battle pocked mind,
We can fill these holes up,
With a bulldozer,
Maybe.
But what do we fill it with?
Or should I leave them empty,
A reminder of the battles
Of thoughts.

Ingrained in my senses,
There is a solidity,
But today the ground shook,
and I think it broke me
My bones swayed and bent
And my mind, it took flight
And my perception has shifted
Like day into night
I was breathing, surviving,
Weaving in, weaving out,
Life was straight like an arrow,
A path walked without doubt
But see, things have shifted
Reality is now abstract and fractured
Inside where I’m rattled,
Sanity can no longer be captured
In my core, In my bones,
In my cells, in my veins,
In the blood pumping through me
I feel the tendrils of change
My fate now is fleeting,
With cavities left behind
Sending me into the hysterics
Of an unstable mind
***** hands spread dark doubt
Leaving black, ugly fear
What was once transparent,
Is no longer clear
In the after math of an earth quake
I search for stable ground
But I might just go mad
Before any is found