Never will I forget this day

I was 12
Playing in my neighbors back yard
We jump roped, played hopscotch
I was happy

One day we were listening to the radio
Singing, dancing and laughing
He called us inside to have lunch

His hand wrapped around the small of my back
I flinched, my heart stopped
Something was wrong
and I did not know yet what it was

He asked his daughter to leave the room
As I began to leave with her
I was demanded to stay
as the door locked, my heart dropped I couldnt breathe

He looked so pleased with him self as his eyes looked me up and down
I tried to run
He grabbed my wrists and threw me on the floor

What happened next forever changed me
I can not get the images out of my head
Did he know how much he would mentally **** me up?
Does he know the mental issues I now suffer because of him?

Did he know that years down the road
When I was finally married to the love of my life
and he would try to hold my hand or kiss my forehead
I'd flinch in fear?

Many times has my husband held me while I sobbed in our bed
He watched me suffer through this pain
and deal with me being so torn up inside
it kills him.

What really ****** me up
was when I was 12
and I learned that the world is cruel
You will be abused and hurt

And no one will stop it from happening.

You were never perfect
But you tried
Until you couldn't try
Anymore

You were a good mother
But you lost your will
To go
On

You were full of beauty
Until your eyes
Began to sink
In

You were slowly dying, from the inside out.
You couldn't handle the pain.
You were engulfed with guilt.
And I imagine you laying on the bathroom floor, staring at the walls as they cave in on you.
Trying to grab you so you hurry
You take the bottle in your hand
And swallow down every pill
You slowly drift off to wonderland

You were wonderful
But you were
Sick

Your mind wasn't in the right place
It never had been
And I knew that

So why now am I feeling guilty
I couldn't have changed your mind
You wanted to die
So you did.


Die.

I imagine her to be laying in a bed of sun flowers
Or walking gracefully through a field of tall grass
While the Suns setting
She's sitting under a willow tree
Smiling at me
her hazel green eyes glisten with the Suns reflection
I imagine her in this place
A happy place
So that this does not strike the match in my heart
And reignite the pain