I’m just crying
Cry crying & crying
I can’t write nothing
I’m broken down
I’m crying
Crying because I don’t know what els to do

It breaks my heart
Of the current thoughts
Running through my head
They’ve never hit so hard.
It’s Breaks my heart
To agree To these new Solutions.
I’ve ran long with a Love
Grew A huge bond .
I can’t bare to Think
That this can be the answer for me to finally break Free.

I Used to Doubt
But Now I See and believe
You Really Love me.
Alll the Things You Have Done
Have made me feel lovely
i Dont deserve It.
iDont Know How your still Around.
Lack Of Maintaing Clean
Havent Been quite focused.
I see you understand me and help me control this.
im Sorry for all the wrong ive provoked, You deserve
so much more.

Smoke dope get high
Do a line feel fine
This ? Yeah , it’s how
I’m going to die.
Forever in my veins
**** a love I’ll restrain.
This crystal is my Everything
I don’t need nobody or anything
As long as I’m on
Idx If i don’t have anyone .

Dope love
Changes me entirely .
From feeling
To not giving a ****
For nothing around me!
Takes away the pain
The memories .
Takes my mind away from reality.
I don’t think of all reasons
I’m not happy.
My thoughts are cleared.
My body’s here
My soul , mind , spirit
Is all in hell

You will never understand.
How deep You Cut me.
With Your Actions & False Promises.
I Gave Myself To You.
All my Time And Love.
I was faithful & honest.
I Tryed nothing but strive to treat you right. I gave up anything just to spend time by your side.
You will never understand
You Are My 1st love, You Are Forever Apart Of me.
You are permanently imprinted In my heart.
I will never spend that amount of time with anyone Els.
I will never give all my time To another like I Gave You.
I was always there when you needed me.
You just won’t ever understand no matter what I remind you of.
My feelings for you are strong.

Throughout My life.
I've Created Another.
Gave Birth To A mind Who I let have the  time to learn, explore &
Grow within me.
It's Scary.
it Eventually Had The power To Live My life And take control over the real Me.
It gained Streghth & power.
It blinded Me To See Reality.
It Placed me in new surroundings , gave me new thoughts and a Different state of Mentality.
All in Which I Felt Was Always Me
I Didnt See The New life I lived.
I Saw everything The Same.
I didn't see Any change.
Idk How to correctly explain.
It never Went through my Head That I've changed. I never noticed How Unsual Everything turned.

you talk about trust,
and then betray it.

You beg for another chance, to just blow it.

you talk about love,
and then destroy it.

you talk about working things out,
and never give it a chance.

You say your sorry, but soon again you’ll do the same.

and
every time
im the one crying
on my bedroom floor.
no one to hold,
no one to see me.

I'm Feining For A Dose of
Methamphetamine.
I Know I Have successful  Sobriety Days.
But My Thoughts Are Overwhelming Me Heavily.
And What Best Knowing iCan Take A Hit And Forget Everything. I'm Feeling So Low,
Drowning My Self in Guilt And Sorrow. Yes I Know Its Effects Arnt Forever lasting .
But My Heads pounding iJust Want To Feel The **** Flow Blast in.
How Long? How Strong?
Will I Give in or Will Reality Kick quick Which Do You Predict?
Scan Through My History,
Sadning Because My Minds Weak And Would Rather Tweak
Than Go Through it how I'm Supposed to.
Wouldn't Be The First time,
More Like it's the only option
I tend to want to see.
Because of what it brings,
An Easy Solution That will have me Loving its fascinating Pollution.
Deep in me I really don't want to abuse this,
But When I Feel So hopeless
My Mind blinds me on purpose
to reach the Dope Switch
And instantly want to turn to the substance
and use to get high to cope with.

What If i Do Relapse.
Take A Line or A Hit.
What If i do go back To my old Addictive Ways?
What happens next ?
Will You Give me another chance and Help me over come it for the millionth time?
Support me and be by my side.
Or Will You Stop Being My Friend and Never speak to me Again?
Forget me like I was
no one in your life.
I Question Myself
What's better For me.
Being sober & depressed.
Being high & Feel no emotions.
The question Will remain ..

A drug addict .
That’s who she was.
Developed an addiction with a hard stimulant drug .
She Didn’t abuse drugs.
Take more than prescribed
Take unprescribed.
Use to avoid or feel good
For that certain moment x

She was a drug addict.
She used & couldn’t stop.
Not even when it begun to cause health , financial, emotional or problems with loved ones .
The urge to get & use
Filled up every minute of the day.
She formed a habit . I
Every day she looked forward to her next hit .
Either Got ready to get high.
Or struggled & thought about getting that next fix .
She had no control.
Used when she didn’t
Even want to .

I remember
When a the word relapse
had A meaning .
When I’d Explain what it
Meant so you can be aware.
Told you what tempts me
What are some triggers.

I Expected You to
View it as a 911 call.
To help me when I’d fall.

You never payed mind
To the importance of it.
Just like you Didn’t think
Telling you I had an addiction Was something that bad.

I remember when
You Made your own definitions
To all the words I’d tell you.
I’m the one struggling
But you always made yourself the victim when it was me who needed attention, apologize, comfort & to support me.

Temptation & triggers
Have no meaning.
You never cared to look after me.
It wasn’t something you’d have to be 24/7 about.
You never questioned your negative actions & how that’ll provoke me.
You never cared until

A Relapse
Meant I Used because
I wanted to get high.
Finally You show importance.
Not in the way where your concerned if I’m ok & hoping that hit didn’t cause harm.
Concerned to where you stood by my side & talked on why it happened & what can we do to prevent it again.
instead , a relapse means
Talking **** to me , making me feel bad , blaming me, making yourself feel like I betrayed you
Feeling so angry saying I don’t love you & love that more.
You abandon me & go m.i.a
When you were the cause of why i couldn’t handle feeling hurt etc

I remember when
Relapsing made me feel guilty & so bad because I failed you & disappointed you.

I remember When
I’d tell you I’ll never be honest on my sobriety , confess or hand over paraphinillia .
For me to do the opposite of what I swore I’ll never do.
All because it killed me to lie & hurt me to see you stress your mind on doubts if I’m clean or not.
All For what ?
For you To talk **** to me when I confess about relapsing, for you to call me drug addict & insult me calling me Druggie tweaker etc
When I’d Hand you things
Etc

Me Being honest to you & open with my recovery only
Damaged me more.
What I gained wasn’t support.
It was money being thrown at my face telling me to go get high.
Calling me drug addict in many insult full ways.
You made a joke out of
my struggles.
You’ve never been there for me.

How far the meaning & value of relapse once meant.

A relapse now means nothing to me when it comes to you.

Being true to you
Only back fired.
You use it as leverage
To insult me more & have negative things to reply.
“I wouldn’t know, you kept
it from me before” etc

I'm tired of it all
The Thoughts , the Confusion
Stressing and over thinking
It's all overwhelming
I'm sober and I'm hurting
1 hit will solve everything
A Hit always makes it go away
My problems, my feelings
Everything  I've been thinking
Dope completes me
I don't need no one when I'm on
Don't need love or company
It gives it to me all
As Well as dearh
That's what I'm mainly seeking
An end

You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
An honest poem

I always wondered
why you would leave?
why you debated to walk away.
you were not the one suffering?
my mind thought and concluded.
I'm The one that's ignored.
I'm the one who is treated like whatever.
I am the one in love with you..
My Heart was the only aching.
Reminded that we will never be anything.
NO HOPE, NEVER AN US
You repeatedly harshly.
I Remember sitting so happily with my crush.
I felt so special
those couple minutes we'd spend.
those precious seconds you got a feel.
the advantage you took.
I Always wondered why you
doubted our friendship.
I was never doing you wrong.
I sit, listened and obeyed.
ive never disrespected or offended you.
I wouldn't dare, I was sprung.
which is why I didn't take your actions so hard.
throughout the time I was not using to avoid.
without notice, the pain you brought disappeared.
I did not purposely get high to forget.
that was after we were already friends.
I always wondered what I did wrong.
to have you distance yourself.....
what mistakes was I making?
not only that ..
I was broken by the ease you had to cut me off..
Here I am pleasing a boy I love.
for that boy to shoo me off ...
I loved you dearly.
I walked many dark allys  
shed tons of tears
for you to tell me bye?........

You once told me.
'Not everyone thinks like you'
I Now know.
what your phrase means.
how its applied to our life.
I Loved you so much.
I did everything to be in good terms.
I was crazy for you baby ...
FINALLY
I understand why'd you leave.
My Feelings for you were deep.
you did not feel nothing for me.
which explains why
you'd leave me alone in the cold
crying, sobbing, hurting.
Explains why You didn't care
if you hurt me.
my feelings did not matter.
you felt no sympathy.
you had zero importance for my emotions.
that's why you'd walk away freely..
I was never anybody to you.
not even with the intimacy did I matter...
you used me.
got tired so youd find ways to leave.
get me off your back to welcome a new female...

Why iS iT So Hard?
iJust Want To Drop iT All. The Past
And The Sickening
Memories.  My addictive mind
Cause iReminice About
It heavily.
Every day, every second iThink
About it
Just Crosses My mind not intentionally.
When iM Sad And Blue Racing Thoughts Start running
To me.
The High Life Part begins to trigger
Me, flashbacks
Of How it all was, twacked out
Plays nonstop
Im maintaing my sobriety but im
Worried my
Manipulative side mentality blinds me.

It Does Not Make me Happy.
It Numbs me completely.
It Helps me Avoid Situations I Don't Want to deal With.
It Turns me Careless & heartless.
It Cures My
Heartbreaks And loneliness .
It's A very sad thing.
to Not be Able To Feel Anything.
To Turn To Something So deadly that's Ruining Your life and Making Things worse.
Instead of Having the Strenghth To Reslove it Sober and still find and feel real happiness.

Days Like These
Where im Alone, Thinking Deep
& Heavily.
I Feel Like i Have Nobody.
No One Seems To Understand Me.
Nobody ****** Gets Me.
I Dont Care About Happiness Anymore.
Im Done Trying To Find Reasons To Smile And Feel Happy For
My Whole Life is A Fail
My Relationship Isnt No Where Near How Books And Movies Tell.
I Have Nothing Going Good for Me.
I Don't Want Help From Anyone Anymore.
Im Not Going To Speak Up About My Thoughts Or if im Doing Well.
If People Walk Out Of My Life
Then Owell
Im Starting To Careless & Less
I Don't Look Forward Towards Anything.
I Don't Know What Els To Write literally **** Everything.

I Have To Become Sober
To let My Brain Recover
So i Can Function Better
For My Health
To Not Get Deeper in Depression
To Live Life and be someone
To Be in my Family's life
to Have Feelings
To Remain in A Relationship with my boyfriend
To Show People i Can Do it.

I hope one day you
Realize & Notice.
All The obstacles I crossed
To be by your side today .
How I Experienced
So much Misery & sadness
To be able to call myself
Your girlfriend .

My love was true.
I Expressed it so much.
I did everything you wanted.
Id Make sure you were happy & Comftable Around me.
Always making sure you felt special and Important.
You seen I really liked you.

You Mistreated me.
I Still Continued making sure I made you feel Some type of lovely way.
You constantly hurt me.
Feeling hurt & pouring tears I still Wrote you cute texts.

You told me you will never love me & I will never be someone special to you.
With A broken Heart
I Continued to see you every day not minding What you had just said.

I made sure you felt worthy .
You made me feel worthless
You Made me feel insecure.
I always told you how handsome & **** I found you .

I Made you See positive things about your life.
You Made me see the negative of mines. Reminding me of mistakes I Did & due to it I won’t ever be some one great.

I Showed You nothing but affection & Attention.
You Showed me
Carelessness & neglection.

I Was fixing You.
Gluing your broken pieces back. At times you purposely flicked it & I fixed them too.

You Were Breaking me.
You seen & didn’t care.
My Tear drops never Made you Realize how sad you constantly made me feel.
You never felt bad .

The journey I Went through
To Call myself your girlfriend today.
Was A Trip To Make myself happy.
Drugs Was All i known.
Loving you & Adoring You was my distraction.

I hope you one day realize That I was nothing but good to You.

I'm Wishful
But All The Wishs I've Been Wishing for Seem Sinful.
What is There To Smile For?
All Good Is Hard To Reach
And All Bad is Easy, No Hard Work.
Lately I've Been Walking Near A Familiar Path.
I'm Feeling Suicidal & That's That.
Hopelessness
All Day Feeling everyday experiencing.
I'm Just so Fed Up
Sick & Tired
Of How My Mind Acts.

There is Another Side To My Addict Life. I rarely Write About The sights.
When I go crazy in my mind.
How paranoia Drives me Inside
Hearing Voices When Noones Aside. Seeing Things That no one Els but me see. Assuming Your Talking, But not a word Came Out your mouth. Having conversations with my self as if there were someone Els With me too.
Assuming all eyes are on me.
Feeling watched, Needing to hide.
From clearly nothing but The Thoughts in my mind Conveniences me there’s something.
Hallucinating heavily, tripping badly
Want to know the crazier thing?
I don’t need to be on drugs to experience all these things.
It’s the long term affects That impacted me.
When I’m sober I’m delusional.
I go Crazy With no drugs in me.
It’s really ****** sad and Scary.
Experiencing paranormal **** without being on ****
Etcetc

I Want To Have A Future With You.
Create A Life Become Your Wife And Have Babys Too.
Both Become successful and Live an Amazing life together.
Remain
Loyal And Faithful
Honest & respectful
True to our love for eachother.
I Want to Start Fresh
Hold No Grudges Or Resentful Feelings
i Want to let go Of the past
The mistakes the lies and broken promises .
i Want to make things right
Do Things As A Team
Keep eachother hopeful and be supportive
i love you so much
theres so many other things

Im not Going to go on
If all we do is argue on & on
I Can't Keep Up.
Fighting With Both my relationship & sobriety & trying to remain positive.
We Talk nonsense
We Never sit down and work it.
We just let it pass bye.
Im Not liking this anymore
Being more mad at eachother than smiling & laughing.
We say were going to work it out
It all seems to get worser to me.
I Want to be with him
But the experience is hurting.
So many wrongs
We don't seem to even get along.
Friends & enemies
At the same time.
You can't see yourself without me & i can't see myself being without you.
But its probably the best thing..

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

I’ve let the whispers
Of the demons in my head
Turn into comforting melodies
Turn into irresistible desires
They tell me how good
The sin could make me feel
Convince me of solutions
That shouldn’t be options
I let them taunt me
Twist my thoughts around
But in a moment
I am reminded who the enemy is
The demons are not on my side
No matter what they try to offer
Even when the temptation
Sounds exquisite
I have to muster the strength
To fight for my life

"It's okay.
It hurts.

I saw it.
The way your eyes drifted to others.
Never straying to mine.
Never filled with the same spark.
Always dull.
Lifeless.
Loveless.

My heart.

You would say it.
Those three words.
Not to me.
Never to me.
To the others.
They always got your love.
I got your hate.
Your anger.
Always.

“You don’t have to love me.”

You gave me orders.
To stay home
Have no friends
Only you can I conversate with.
While your allowed to do the opposite of everything
I was not to.

I can’t.

I was your puppet.
You pulled the strings.
And I obeyed your commands.
You never loved.
Not me.
Never me.
I was your toy.
Something you could throw away.

Take it.

It’s all a game.
Of feeling.
Of pain.
Of love.
Of hate.
You are the king.
I’m your pawn.
Just a piece on your board.

I’m done.

I loved you.
More than anything.
I let you use me.
Hurt me.
If I got to be with you.
Nothing else mattered.
You didn’t feel the same.

I’m moving on
I feel many rocks slowly
Lifting off.
I’m feeling a lil sense of happiness.
I used to think it was ****** up for me to say & feel this way .
It’s actually not.
I’m unhappy
All I do is hurt & cry heavily .
I shouldn’t care
If he reflects sadness on me.
Making me feel like the bad guy.
Always faulting and blaming me.
I shouldn’t care for his loneliness .
I shouldn’t stay anymore .
I’m tired of satisfying him
For him to **** me over again.
This is ok for me to feel.
It’s ok for me to want to leave
& say bye bye dear.
All I do is cry and hate myself.
I’m happy I’m finally coming to an agreement within myself.
Letting go

Ok ok all we do is argue .
Let’s try something new
No talking just Touching .
Something we lack .
Teach me other ways of
showing you love.

Let’s have fun
Let’s have ***
Let’s explore together new ways of making us feel great .

Let’s forget about Our life and problems
By Letting me ride Your Big *** ****.
On the bed , the floor the couch.
Let’s get ***** & ******* naughty.
Make me feel great about my body
By touching me In Desperate worshipping ways .

Let’s just take a pause from showing love and affection.
By Having *** and feeling that nice ****** sensation.

Teach me what makes you *****
The words , which Moans , my voice of tone.
What do you want me to say
Tell me baby il ******* obey .
So  Just shut the **** up .
Bend me over
*** up high
Head down low.
Make me ******* moan.
Spread my Cheecks apart
Watch your **** slip in and out.
My ***** waters at the thought
Of having your hard fat ****
Touching with just your tip on my ***** lips.
Teasing My kit
You see the nice juice your making me produce.
Yeah love that **** daddy .
Stroke me nice and slow .
Stop ******* with my heart !
Come **** my brains instead .
Shove your **** down my throat
Let me gag & choke.


Drop all your Issues
Let’s feel something other
than anger
By putting In your index fingers
One in the pink
One in the stick
Come here baby

I Had A substitute.
Who I fired Due To Miss Use.
She began Tricking me.
Her Slow Moves Made me
Start Repeating.
The deal Was To heal bad feels.
To Cure my temptation From the other feel.
A good strategy My Addictive mind Put together .
A short Unoticable High.
Although it Was Low potent & expensive. It Worked Perfect.
I Then started Using For no reason. Just to feel the short feeling.
I spent So quickly.
I became angry.
How did I not notice I was building an addiction.
Worse, on something So weak.
That's When I Stoped.
I couldn't go on.
I Deleted And Blocked.
The supplier to this Worthless drug.
I never Liked it. I always hated this. But for The means to Avoid life a few seconds, I Used it.

How Can You have the heart To Go Days Without Talking to me.
How can You peacefully Continue Your Day Without contacting Or hearing From the person you supposedly love.
How Dare You Call The next Day.
Speaking Normal , As If You Didn't do anything. You Don't even Tell me The Reason Or Where you were. Expecting me to answer all Lovey Dovey and Still have the nerve to ask me what's wrong.

You Are My biggest Trigger.
You Give me Many Temptations.
You. You. You.
I'm getting tired Of
Giving you love.
I'm Tired Of Constantly Being let Down by you.
We Are always arguing.
About things You continue Doing That bother me.
I Want To feel happy.
I want to smile and laugh.
All I Do is Frown & Feel down With You.
Knowing about my life And what I went through, You should be Finding ways to Excite me.
Not Break me down and crush me
Not give me reasons to hate myself even more.

You Are my biggest trigger.
Baby, You Are Pushing Me.
I'm Scared To Fall.
But The Pushing is getting strong.
Baby, I'm Scared.
I'm Scared At the fact That I'm Not Afraid. Too much on my brain.
My Pain Is Building Up.
I'm running low on Space.
I'm sorry but I can't tolerate!
This is Becoming to much.
Many arguments Left unresolved.
Baby I Can't take this Anymore.
The Fighting & broken promises.
I've held strong for long .
I'm getting to that Point ..
Where I'm Going To Give in.
I'm not happy, I'm So miserable.
They told me Sobriety Is the best feeling ever. Why aren't I Joyful?
Why am I still Depressed !
Baby, I've told You many times.
Please change . Please treat me nice. Show Me How great life is Sober. It's You Who wants me Drug free. I Cleaned up For You.
I Quit For You. You promised To show me how great life is off drugs.
I'm Still waiting ..
I'm Waiting For You To treat me like Your queen. I'm Eager To Live happy with You & off drugs.
To Smile , Enjoy life and Love each other.
So Baby? When Does it start ...
Why Do You Still Treat me Unfair?
Why Do You Still do things that make me Feel Upset. Why am I Living The opposite of what you said? I Fought temptation Many Times. I Managed To Not relapse Through Times I Should Have.
I've been Strong. For You..
like I Said, I'm weakening .
What's The Point of staying sober?
I'm starting to forget. I'm Starting to lose faith in sobriety.
You want me To Be Kind & Sweet.
Respectful, loving & caring.
You want me to play wifey.
Baby, Why must I Stay around?
If You Ignore me Whenever.
You Forget About me Easily.
You don't care how I'm feeling.
I'm Supposed To Be Positive.
Stay happy, Kiss and love you unconditionally.
You want me to show You affection.
Treat You like A King And be at your service .
I Am A Puppet, Your prisoner.
I Don't find This Fair. We are supposed To Be even.
Why Did You make me your gf?
Can You tell me What was The point of Quitting Drugs ?
I Changed my lifeStyle for You.
You Wanted Me To be Yours.
You promised me A better life.
I Am Yours now & im So Unhappy.
I have been Loyal, truthful & Loving.
You Have Been Unfaithful, Careless and Lieing.
It hurts me To know You Said "I'm Pushing You away" with My constant Tripping & arguing .
It crushes my heart. How do You not see That it's You that's causing me? How do You not see How Careless You Are About my feelings. I'm the only one With The privilege To say "your pushing me away". You have Done Things That I should have Left You For. Yet I've never Told you "Your pushing me away" I put up with Your ******* a lot. I forgive and forget everything.
Yet, You Are the one losing interest in me? That hurts.
Im Strongly attached To You.
I'm So used To Being with You.
You Are My daily Task & routine.
My Life and choices revolve around You. Your the center Of My World.
I'm Sprung, I'm obsessed , I'm in love with you Popa.
I gave up drugs To Be With You.
You became My new Addiction.
I Do everything You Ask me To.
In return, I Get tears running down My cheeks and feelings Hurt.
I Am Changing.
Im No longer A Fool Like I was before. Where I let you Walk over me and Treat me however And Still love and Sweet talk With You.
I Don't Show You Much affection Anymore . Why? You give me no reasons To Be Lovable.
I'm Arguing More Frequently.
Why? You are giving me many reasons To Be negative with you.
Listen Closely Baby ...
I'm Tired of all Your b.s.
Tired Of You doing whatever.
Im Tired Of Not being treated how I was promised in the beginning.
I can't continue Being played like a fool. I can't keep moving forward in a relationship where I'm not happy.
I'm Drifting baby, Hope you Notice.
Hope you realize It's because of Your decisions and Doing as You please. It's the Lack of affection, And The fact That You don't think whether your choices hurt my feelings. The fact that You break promises and Do things behind my back.
I've Done Nothing As Bad As You.
If I have? It's because of You.
You Always come first in my agenda. I always Think about your feelings and how Certain things will Affect You.
You Want Me To stop arguing And talking ****.
It all Starts With You.
You just have to Do Right and Not things That Get me angry.
Treat me With Love.
You will Get the same back plus much more ...