Hello old friend
How I missed you in my absence
In the darkest time you were always there your matalic smile glinting in the dim light
I missed the slick way you dance across my skin
Gracefully gliding leaving a ribbon of beautiful crimson across your pale stage
I know your destructive nature but how I love to dance with death
Sinking into the void only to awake the next day with a little less will and a lifetime of pain
How I yearn to be held in his strong arms and dance slowly into oblivion because who would miss the girl with the pale blue eyes. Ask, dear friend and find no one ever cared to look past her glasses. If I never woke up again not a soul would miss me they would simply miss the smile I masked my pain with. They would miss my bubbly personality that has been adopted after years of acting like everything was fine. Plus if I die my writing will be here forever an eternal piece of my soul representing the realest part of me
My pain
So old friend the question stands
Shall we rekindle our fire? Or should I sleep and just feel a different kind of pain?

I wish I had met you before.
Before I was broken
Before the world convinced you life was war
Before we both wanted to die.
I wish I could have spared you from your pain.
I wish I could have covered your scars of hate and convinced you that you mattered
That someone out there cared enough to stop everything and run to you whenever you called out.
Someone who was simply wherever you needed them to be.
I wish I had met you before that fateful day
I wish you hadn’t felt so alone
I wish that I hadn’t felt so alone
Because we were alone at the exact same time just 800 miles apart.
I wish we could have been there for each other or at lest we could felt alone together.
I wish that we had met before but I wonder if you like me before I became…me.
You my friend are a white knight trying to save everyone but yourself. I used to be like that until I was too late to many times. I started to believe that everyone I was protecting was suffering because of me.
I used to be so bright eyed about the world. I loved socializing and was so excited for life. Would we have ever even spoke? Would you still like me back then or is the reason we get along so well because we both shattered beyond repair and in trying to sweep up the pieces we accidentally swept up some of each other. Maybe we can heal this way. Maybe we can start figuring out the puzzles of our old selves. Swapping out pieces with each other. Collecting some from others along the way. But this time we won’t be alone or at least we can be alone together.

To the man who broke me,
People kept telling me I let you do it. That I shouldn't have let you hold me close when I knew you were so clumsy. I wanted to scream in opposition. I wanted desperately for them to see from my perspective. I wished upon a thousand stars for someone anyone to just listen and tell me it was not my fault. Days went by, then weeks, months, a year, two years. I was drowning in their words, thick as molasses. Frantically clawing at the truth trying to keep my grasp on reality. My inner demons with jagged, crooked smiles ripped me from my goal. I was swept away plummeting to the bottom of a sea of lies. You can find me there trying to swim to the surface only to find a cement bag tied to my leg impeding any progress. With each attempt I fall tired and more submissive to the blame that surrounds me. Until I found it easier to lay down and let their words become my reality. My life became an ocean of blame all laid neatly upon my shoulders. So now when I apologize for everything just know its years of conditioning and now that I've finally found people who assure me that it was not my fault know that I'm trying to believe it isn't but the voices in my head won't stop screaming that it is.

I used to love the snow more than anything.
I used to feel the glow of exultation whenever I saw those fluffy flakes.
            I still like snow, but it will never be the same.
It takes me back to the day I fell in love with my beast.
You picked me up in that ***** old pickup of yours.
I can still smell the dust and grease from years of traveling gravel roads.
             Thinking of it feels like suffocating.
It was cold but sunny and the sky was a vibrant blue.
Almost as blue as your eyes.
You smiled at me from the drivers seat.
I smiled back.
This was my first date ever and I was so excited to be sharing it with the guy of my dreams.
            When did you change?
We had the best time sliding.
            I still haven't gone sliding since.
You gave me your gloves and when I said I was fine you just pointed out that I speak quietly when I'm lying.
            You knew me better than anyone.
            You used to care so much.
We went inside and had hot chocolate with extra marshmallows because you always were obsessed with the little things.
            I didn't know how it would drive me crazy later.
The perfect date ended with cuddling next the fireplace. You told me you wanted to stay there forever.
            I should have known that a forever next to a fire always
            leads to burns.
I fell in love with the boy with messy hair. Who used to walk me to my car. The boy who was terrified when I started getting more and more sick. The boy who held me as I violently shook just trying to breathe. The boy who I spent everyday with. The boy who gave me the next book in my favorite series for Christmas filled to the brim with quotes about love. The boy who would slow dance with me in his room listening to his record collection.
           When you left me you had changed. You stopped singing with me in the car. There were no good morning texts. No hello sunshine greetings. You stopped turning in your homework. You stopped debating me on all of our stupid little topics. You stopped talking to me in general. You had lost your passion for life. Did I do that? Did I do something wrong? Did I create the monster that currently haunts me dreams. The guy who didn't talk unless it was to fight. The guy who broke my car door by slamming it too hard. The guy who ignored me for a full month. The guy who refused to go to Prom with me. The guy who talked constantly with another girl. The guy who left me for her.
I think of all this when it snows.
I think of all of the things I could have done differently.
I think of how deep down inside myself I know I still love you.

I never thought I'd matter
To anyone

Until you
Came along

And changed my perspective
Of the universe

You made me feel
Like I matter

And I'm grateful
For you.

He loved you
So don't you ever think that
He's only playing with your heart
You are important to him
It's not true that
He broke your heart
Because you know for sure that
You are more than enough for him
It's not true that
He's loving someone else,
He left you,
He chose someone else,
Because the truth is
His heart beats for you alone
Don't ever think that
Anytime he's willing to let you go
The truth is
He'll love you until eternity
Don't ever think that
He's lying.
Believe me,
This is the truth.

(Now read from bottom to top)

I'm Sorry.
This simple phrase
has been burnt into my head
after years of believing everything
bad that happened was my fault. Simply
because you blamed me for every little thing.
Here they never let me blame myself for the
little things. Even though I apologize for
almost everything. Slowly with time
I have started to repeat another
simple little phrase
Thank you.