I wrote and hit send
Moments after expression
Filled my metaphorical tub.

I'm missing events, a chance to dress up
But I take care of my body, my soul.

I wanted to ****** the red glasses on her face off
I stand in holographics and faux leather
Each time he would pass on through.

We toasted shot glasses of whiskey
I put a sticker that said "Fragile"
To my chest
And reached out to him today
Because I couldn't stand
The feeling of boiling pain
And hatred.

I said no more torture, we've both suffered enough
I looked up and saw you looking
I met your eyes
But only for a moment
Before the rest of the world interrupted us.

Your look said hello
It said it's been so long
Today it felt violent, troubling
Full of desire
Confusion
And a tinge of shame.

TVs paying pink and purple swirls
At least I'm not spending money
Or making my body ache.

I miss having someone by my side
The feeling of someone so there
It comes and goes
The need and wanting.

I know what it will take
And a quiet exhaustion fills me up
So I take steps back
And rest.

It is the beginning of September
I balance and lean from side to side
Full of justice
And a secret need of feeling self important
Because what else do I have right now?
I think to myself.

Tuesday night, we say
I thought and plotted
All around, in, and outside of it
I worry about all of the steps
All of the hurdles my legs
Would fly right over.

Gratitude
At the end of it all
The gratitude can always stand
And remind us of humility
And a centered
Self assurance
No man or piece of art
Paycheck
Or compliment
Could give us.

Slices of open wounds
But we know we have to dance against
Tingling whispering sensation
Clean damp hands bow, and twirl
Feathers of lemon lipstick marks
As we close the closet of our past.

Kitchen sink, naked windows
Stare lovingly at me, as I try to release into
Happiness, panting joy, but my deep dark head
Would rather photograph daises
Unearthed with the ring finger of my hand.

If my dress were to slip, rip
Lick the insides of your skin
Could we always be faithful to each other then?
You long for my finger tips--in, in, in
In the ripples of your chest hair
Pig tails and knee high socks
I've been a very, very bad girl.

Hear your voice sound and ring
I play games with one blink
15 days.

Blow up mattress and dishes not my own,
I clean and wipe ants off of my glowing screen
"Always so poetic my love."
If I could chisel a 3D painting for you
Of all the words I feel for you, for the hope
I would do it with the strongest of brushes.

Its cold as **** out here
Here, in our winter coats
Jack Daniels poured down my mouth
I can answer questions with eloquence

Full length gloves
A father and daughter dance
Lips full of expression
I was taught how to flutter
Like a social butterfly,
The best.

The men
Boys, guys, fools
Interchanging phone calls
Walking as William Penn stares down
You will have to yell my name,
This time.

"I don't want you to be mad."
And like the old hollywood movie star
I secretly seek to be
I turn, drama in the air
"Don't make it about me being mad. Make it about me being GONE."
Waltz, turn, lead, hair flipping away
Movie credits begin.

Its 3am and I hear the voice of possibility
But a girlfriend and I, we laugh
Like we are 5 years old again
Sometimes you need to just go home
To your childhood best friend in the bed.

They told me to make my voice smaller so it made everyone less uncomfortable
They told me to move on because they wanted me to look like the crazy ex girlfriend
They told me I could never do the things I'm doing

So I ripped their throats out
Stuck it in a blender
Watched it whizz and turn
Mush and faded potions

How does it make you feel to have your voice ripped out of its mothership?

I dyed the front strand of my hair dark gray blue
I told a girlfriend waiting for the train
How an old business partner of mine asked me once
"What are you most afraid of?"
And I said: Men.

Theres this sense of entitlement
****** forwardness. Threat.
Just because you want us
Don't mean we want you.

I've noticed and swam in the ocean
But its not really the ocean
Its just Lake Michigan
I coin the creative things
And I miss my old life at times
But I settle and spread my wings out here.

But there is somethin' about men
And it ain't got to do with location
But I do think in big cities
Monogamy and sincerity harder to come by
Remember how you would use the word ain't too?
Because of me
And my influence.

I heard you came into my room.
We all knew you would.
My Chicago sisters of the moon
Who it took me running away to Philadelphia
To realize I ran out of rope
To see, to see
Appreciate and nourish your surroundings
But I make phone calls and videos
Sending my love and listening ears
My Philly army ladies are the best.

But they did
We called it
I left my door propped open with the paint I used
To paint myself blue
Mystique
The night after you left my heart in the toilet
I knew you would soak me up
See my living quarters
My handwriting all over the walls
So I propped my door open
Just so you could see
I wasn't home.

I heard you celebrated stealing your sweat shirt back
You sifted through my belongings
Made yourself right at home
But honey baby,
I've so clearly moved on.

As you hide behind fundamental fake antics
Lewd gestures
You flick off the cameras documenting moments on film sets
I should have known, I should have known.

It angered me
To hear you were so entitled
I was so wrong about you.

I felt contentment
For all of about 5 minutes
Everyone said you were different, better, real
With me
But I left you at the wedding.

I'm not sure what any of it is
But I hate sleeping these days
I woke up again today to a beautiful black man in my bed
Closing my eyes all morning
So connected, so deep
I swat and gallop past the prejudices of my home town.

Beautiful Innovator and I danced down the streets of my neighborhood
I threw the CimmFest tshirts I snagged into the sky
We howled, we laughed
I felt so free, so open
I ate eggs, he told me to protect my art.
We protect our art
But I can't just have this be a hobby all my days.

I don't know
And I never really seem to.
But I know you see the women get body painted
After me, my influence
We knew you would come into my room
You think you're so cool.

But really.
God Bless, and I meant it
Its only a matter of time one of the boys said
"Don't ever go back. Because then he will think he's got you around his finger. Its not fair to you."
My hair dresser said to me today.
Don't ever go back
Don't ever go back
I can't believe she went back
I can't believe I went back, to soak up more blood
But I bit into my heart
Refilled it with the blood I lost

And close the door of my bedroom.

Todays my last day
In bama town
And I'm sad and glad about it.

I watched my father bat
My eyeballs like never ending camera lenses
He's the most successful
And possibly fulfilled
He's ever been.

I asked him on the way home
In his perfect bat mobile convertible
"Do you ever look back and remember when you first started out and how hard that was?"
And he told me a tale of how it was.
And advised me on it again later
As I read, wrote notes, and taught my little brothers dog
How to jump and swim in the pool


Without fear.

I am not going to sit here and cry in this ******* coffee shop.
Eyes welling up, dark red lips
You wanted to come crawl into the moon with me
2am, but you gotta go back
Go back and get Candy
Am I always an after thought?

I know thats not it.
You know thats not it.
Flighty. Selfish. Indulgent.
Excuses, excuses, excuses
If I painted a road map of every crevice and turn
Of every vein and mistake
You have made along the way
I would be covered in stop signs and traffic lights.

I whip out poetic antics in less than a minute
Harvesting newness, paintings
I'm so strong, I'm so strong.
Ain't nobody that can give me catharsis.

I can't teach you anymore.
I can't babysit, I don't know where your mama is
And how or why you don't seem to know
How to properly treat a woman of my caliber.

I want things to get better
I woke up this morning wishing you were next to me
Hanging up, drunk dial
Cancel plans like they don't mean a thing
Dropping to the floor
Just like I'm Trigger Happy Dagger all over again
You betray and dismay me
Just like scars on my wrist didn't mean a thing
To you.
All my warrior women chime and howl
"I just know he's not worth all this pain."

My body recently
Has been dripping, sensation
Longing and waiting
You prefer me as a pretty magazine picture
I've been trying to trap the desire, the need
As you repeat and repeat
How little you act like you need me.

I don't know why I try
Mama says she's think I want to save you, help you.
But I can barely save myself.
You don't even have the follow through to send me a poem
"I will"
You said.
You said
You say
You claim
Its all just ******* words.

I'm not gonna cry in this ******* coffee shop.

Just take me out to dinner
Invite me along
Call me on the telephone
Lie in my bed
Hold my face in your hands
Be my friend
Love me like you know you do.

My pulsing heart can't take anything else.

Lets go to the forest
One last poem before we float
Out the door
All worries, fears, concerns
The reality of the real world
Lets let it drift away
Just for this fantasy filled moment

Slumber like little girls the day before
Their first day of preschool
Colorful gadgets, hair scarves, all of which
Makes us beaming glorious
I am me, and you are you
We are neither a pair nor
Together
But our own rays of elemental fundamental
Sensations
That whirl and twirl
Cascade and swirl among the
Obtuse and longing nativity
Of right now, tonight, tomorrow
All of the following moments to come.

Release tension
Give motivation
Lips a color I once wore
The night my heart was eaten
Among the savages with no heads
I fanned them away with eyes of flames and fire
As we danced through
But not among.

No, darling angel
You couldn't be among
But lest we forget.

A cleanse
Rebirth, don't fight it
Words question
Drifting and flying
Among
Just among
What the essence and truth
Resides in the corner
Of what we give
Just go give
Like a chorus of humble angels.

Well hello again.
We missed you so well
So we all thought we would chime in
With our poppycock filled grins
Spiders and cheap whiskey demeanor
We got nothin' but each other
And that filmmaker, she's such a woman
She dreamed of us months before she met us.

We welcomed her in
With our spiders and our mildewed floors
Bathroom covered in abandoned tooth paste
And the girls we have ****** over before
We replace them so easily, so heartily
Its such a treat for us
Because you see, little mice in our eyes
We are our own make believe fraternity.

We aren't astronauts or engineers
We can't even sew, but we cook meals
Full of beans and sometimes fancy eggs
Or soggy pasta that we feed the hungry mouths
Of the girls we lure in
And make believe we want to marry
But really, oh really
We just worship in our little den
The notches on our belt
The longboards we ride
The hundreds of times
We made young girls cry.

We aren't evil
Not even sinister
Our brains just lack luster
But we try to make up for it
By huddling together.

Saint Louis, Saint Louis
We claim to be gentleman
Not all of us are all bad
But bad blood, man.

We have ink on our *****
Scores and the ****** we kick out
Before our D&D; days
And we aren't all bad
No, we aren't all bad
But we lack luster
And sure aren't brave.

I don't know what it will take
We induct new women into our cult
As we see fit
But once they turn over the table
We throw them out
Like the whiskey bottles hanging out of our mouthes
Just like mamas milk.

We are threatened by change
And Women Of The Now
So we poke fun, throw frisbees
And make it appear glamorous
But we aren't all bad
No we aren't all bad.

We are just really young
We don't know what we want
We prefer our mildew, our sweat, our residue
We recycle our women, herd our own cattle
Run from obligation, commitment
We would rather recycle, recycle
Pass around the same ball
Dress the same, ride the same longboards
Speak and ink our bodies
So that we never have to be so alone.

We are like sheep
With no shepherd
And the moment a strong force of nature
Encountered us
We guillotined her
She could have been one of us
Continued to play our game
But we very quickly saw
She was the lead honey bee
In every way.

So we sought her ****** out
Or perhaps she claimed her own
As she exited the premises of what we deem
The notorious "Brotel"
No longer smelling of mildew.
Or basement nights.
Card games introducing drunken betrayal
Or bowling alleys where we forgot our hearts
And recycled, recycled
We all might be the same
We might all be different
But we hide and we hurdle
The same ball on repeat.

She got out.
She flew the coop
She disappeared from us
Just like she warned us she would
Mystical. Magical. The Gypsy we called her
And once we got comfortable
Lemon.
And that she will always be
But we hurdle, we spike
We ignite only our own genitalia

She was too brave and ambitious for us
So we killed her with spite.

Was doin' so well, so strong
What does the word strong even really mean
Bows and arrows on my back
A moon stamped forever whenever people ask
I say for my Philadelphia women.

Swan legs
Today it did hit me like an avalanche
And somehow in the last few hours
As I perused and watched over the art
That I've made with my bare hands
I realized it all makes sense.

I know you are angry
And secretly very sad
The women around me judge your madness
Your own best friends tell me I'm better off
I was feeling so resilient, so brave
And something today
Perhaps carried over from Friday night
When I tried to reach you
And realized I no longer could
So I slept in all my paint.

Theres no man to take the shoes off my weary feet
At this singular moment
I don't have a love to be frustrated with for his attitude
But I cooked myself a real nice dinner
Gabbing and venting on the phone
I go to bed alone.

I stayed up late tonight
To get it all done.
And it makes me think back to how impatient you would become
One time, only once
After we were all over
If only for that fleeting moment did we act like
We
"Obviously loved each other"
Note: e-d
LovED
LovED
Past tense.
I reread it and read it
I felt the ****** urge to cry
But the well up inside me
Could only let out a whiff or weeze or two.
I try to think of quotes now or poetic words
To tagline my movie that so clearly is gutted with us
But really,
Not really.

I see now in my minds eye
Yes, you absolutely did me wrong
My mother becomes heated and repeated
On the phone as I travel underground
I look around at my colorful life
Filled with spontaneity, holy hell so much newness
I'm starting to really settle settle in here
And not in that gross comfortable way
Everyone is right
You were just a harmful distraction.

But the feelings and reality now
Is that I must face that you have so hastily moved on
Slapped a sandwich with too much mayo
And forgotten your lettuce
But I'll always be a spinach girl.

Sour gummy worms
Combos cheddar cheese
Lime lemon gatorade
Ninja Turtles
Marty McFly
Your very favorite things.

Thats all I can think of.
I fell asleep last night thinking
How we watched Candy
And then we too,
Disintegrated.

I wish I could say that I hope you are happy
But I feel mostly regret, sadness, anger
The utmost betrayal
And it makes me think and ponder
How easy it is to get caught up
In all of those very words
In all of those very feelings
And it reminds me of being a 14 year old girl
Locking myself in my bathroom
Wanting my life to end
Because the first love of my life
Had seemed to have completely disappeared.

I don't know what any of it means
You made the comment once that my poems
Were getting longer
This one may be the longest in quite some time.

And it feels so good to write
It feels so good to visually create the words
I hear all day long in my head
But most of the time I don't even write
All the phrases and voices
Poetic intricacies
Down.

Periwinkle sweatshirt
******* how it hurt
I think back to the moments you really fawned over me
Crazy colorful hair
Or the night I danced at the Gentleman's Club
Tacky?
Tacky.

So I guess this new woman sleeps in your bed
Probably every other night
You stay at her place
I am sure you create dividing lines
Of you and her
Her and you
Perhaps she keeps her mouth shut
I heard she was nothin' special
A vape model
I don't even know what that means.

Remember when
You claimed I would someday be your wife?

Good riddance
Everyone close to me in my life hates you.
Its really quite a shame
I don't know what the future holds
But you don't even want to be friends
But its a retort, a threat
Filled with too much ***** and immaturity
Or all of the post it notes you never wrote me
I remembered dumping out the bottle of red wine today
And felt so glad, so glad
I followed my gut instinct
To pour your remains into
The drain
God bless. God bless.
I say in my most southern way.
I'll look back at this and laugh very soon
As times right this moment definitely border
The most difficult in my womanhood
Everything use to be
Everything just is
So big, so loud, so complex
So full

And sometimes I just don't want to leave the safety of my room.
But tomorrow is a new day
I'll pray to the moon, the stars
I'm so glad you aren't meant to be my sun king
But good try, good try
We can all laugh like bobble heads on fire
You couldn't keep up.
I was told today
And thats okay
Because I know you grip and sweat spite

Because I'll always be
Not just "The One"
Or the woman who told you not to call me "girl"
"Beautiful girl"
Or all of the phrases you so clearly
Recycled and used to swoon before
But I'll just be and always remain
A beautiful, biggest romantic love of your life
Literal ink stain

The swan that got away.

If I could compile every one of my thoughts
My dreams, my moments of joy, even hate
In the palms of my two long lean hands
I would examine them with antique binoculars
Just like I was a patron of the arts, a feather crown atop my head
Full length gloves, tulle skirt bouncing around
My most intimate parts.

I asked my papa today what he thought of you
Walking and parading around in the Alabama sunshine
Everyone has their story, their spine
We talked about you, among you, what you lacked
For what seemed like long
I remember when I was just a few years younger
I felt this need, this severe urgency
To get out a certain amount of information,
With anecdotes, to convey
Make what I felt, what I had to say known
That need still resides in me a little
But I see the desire for acceptance, validation
Grow fainter and fainter.

I shake my head away at negative or fearful thinking
And I will just start to feel a moment of positivity
Self love, letting go--
But knowledge, I know you haven't let me go yet
You've got more to say, you are gonna wanna corner me
Once more
I do, I fear for me
It makes me furrow my brow and bite my lip
Sigh heavily
For my spirit, my soul, my sensuality
Only to let it turn into an amused laughter
Hilarious disappointment
I'm such a spoiled *****
But ****, I've got to be the one
To make you and your impractical love
Stay the ******* **** **** AWAY from me.

Please.

My past reached out to me today in a number of ways
Driving around in my little red Jetta
I was the queen of the town
I am the queen of the town
I am the queen of my own life.

My memory floods back to that singular moment
A sticky note, on my wall
You showed me, as if it were a medal
You were supposed to be by my side that night
You claimed to be so proud
But I remember you were so inappropriately playful
Grabbing me around the party, like a little boy
In a lingerie store.
Your voice raspy and ringing with
What you thought I wanted to hear
And it was
But you could never really follow through.

I hate your ex-girlfriend.
I hate all of them.
I hate that they still adore you
I hate that they keep up with you
That you and your little incestuous posse
Still try to dance the same dance
Just grow the **** up.

But my hate, my rage, the betrayal
I have known and known again
I released it into the super moon tonight
You told me tonight, while in your Catholic church, no doubt
That you hoped I saw it, that its beautiful
As my mother put it in her deep Southern drawl:
"Branded forever."
Branded with ink and haunted by nature's night.

I stared deeply up at that moon
My father thought I was taking a picture, I looked so long
But really
All I saw were flashes of images, your voice
You calling out the name you gave me
Again and again
And how I always knew, in the back of my mind
That was fond for you, but not really until the very end
That my hands, my finger tips
Were always mid
Slip.

Wait, wait for that morning
Blue line train
I order 8 dollar cocktails
Cheapest thing on the menu.

Everything evolving, changing
I jest but with depth
"It's the end of an era!"
And it is.

Someone new painted me up good just like a portrait
Such a beautiful mysterious face
He reminds me of love at 15.

But it's something about the cards in my hands
Right now
My ladies chime and sing a warning
Freeing song around me
Don't get caught up in the wrong.

So I don't, I lay among scales and rainbow fish
Movies and cameras flashing in my iris
25, wild, alive
So ambitious.

Sometimes I'll create a little pile
Of all those who done me wrong
I walk to work I walk to work.

Your car got towed yesterday
Didn't mean to read you the deepest poem of all
But no man has ever made me lose myself to sighs
The very first try.

Alas. Why fight.

I let my hair grow down my back
I hit the pavement, almost a full year
"We aren't talking right now"
A little fairy told me you said
I don't know if you replace me or hate me
But I continue to encourage myself

Not to care.

Damen blue
I across the street
Writing this on my cellular device
I nod and pulse
Ah. Ah. Ah.

I'm tired
Let's go drink coffee
With a good attitude
Cozy up in bed when can
Show up at work early
Kisses and wolf bites
I don't lose site of the swan.

https://vimeo.com/119862986
Crinkle of blade and flabbergasted
Oozing an ointment out of fresh
Pretty, such pretty
Shining skin.

Can we all say Amen?
Like Mama told us to in church.
But I don't wanna end up just like Mama
Or Grandmama from before
Or women from the 1940s, 30s, or 1800s
High neck collar, a glance of flesh
But don't shove down my glove
Powder on our noses--we stare down
From the very very high balcony.
We've got the shaking power
In our tightening hands
Like twisted vines and everyone's whispering
"Cave in."

But its true
We do--we ******* question it.
Oh? Whoops. I'm sorry--
So sorry. I did not just say the word
*******
Oh goodness, how unladylike of me
My crinoline and garter in my mouth
Smeared redness on cheeks of lust
But I could beg and plead
For you to not leave
But I would rather regurgitate
My otherworldly thoughts, instead.
But if I could, I would crash and crane and bang
A swift kick to the ribs
Red boiling heart on the cement
Tear my knife of love through them
The ones who struck through the swing set,
Oh my
I forgot--to annunciate the word "stop."
Or so you thought.


But if my clinging and longing
Paint drenched hands
Tell you anything at all, darling
I would leave behind marks and residue of
My freshly cut wounds
A little blood on my upper lip
But I would rather lay my ******* atop them
Because I chose to do so
Like the ***** that slinks next to me
Twirling into the sea I ride in.


A glimmering white soft moment
I never knew she could fly so fast
But a heavenly moment drags me down
Into the sounds of her heavy whimpering
My world of coughing up gold and lace
Thrown in my face
But I could never replace
How you thought you could destroy me--
Into nothing but a liver and bones.

But I rise above the flames
My red hair burning like sweet sorrow
On a lonely night you thought you might dismantle my toes
But my throne of yellow and missing arm
We seek no harm.


If I could give one thing
If I could loop and tingle my lingering limbs
I would throttle, lick, taste,
Every moment a woman cried into her palms
Every second of self worth questioning
Every time you looked for his face
Every hour you laughed until your stomach pained
Every minute you wet your fingertips
Every millisecond I slobbered
My fingertips

With the flight of me.

Do you remember the way
You looked at us together in the mirror
Or the way you kiss me
Like it is just you and me.

I close my eyes and drift away
Back to that place
Sparing my loyalty, my honesty
Marking it all in grey
And a soft pale blue.

I turned it on so high for you
As a choir of voices tell me
Reflecting and projecting different thoughts
What matters in the end is how I really feel about it

There is much toxicity in my life these days
I swirl and drink the blood of lamb chops
My unicorn hair dries up with caked mud
My eyes glaze over and puff up like smoke
Simplifying my look
I simplify the way I see myself
I want to trust what is natural and real
For once.

Buckets of ******* brim to the surface
I don't doubt that you meant all of it
I'm mature enough to still recognize that it was real
What we had was real.

I fade away into the prisms and the ponies
The flying arrows springing from my bow
My ears are sharp enough to chop wood
The swan neck of a hose
Lingering and longing
For someone to just finally
To just finally
Choose only me.

I feel the same pain for you that I did
Two other major loves in my life
I know how you want me so
But it is not enough
A big adventure
I wonder how other women do it
And shake my head sometimes
As if I missed the boat.

I told you that you looked like my dream man in that jacket
I didn't know there was a woman taking the photos
I didn't know it wasn't just me
I wanted it to be just me


And so
I guess that is the issue here
I want all of you
And you will realize it too late.

Yellow lemon shirt, bright purple shorts
You grabbed the end of my salmon colored sweater
“I like the texture. I have this thing with textures."
You said to me, our clean swift tanned feet
Escorting us to the city dwelled beach
You wanted to surround me with the same familiarity
You had practiced so many times before
But I was
So new, so fresh, so unknown.

I remember you sat on the bus, and popped open a beer
Too nervous to sit next to me, I kept my cat eye sunglasses--
On all day, your circular RayBans reflecting only me.

Remember the first time you walked into the room
Your longboard in your arms
Swan, brooding in black glamour, your eyes and chest
Seemed so interesting, to little ole me
But you jump swiftly into roof top pools
Budding and swimming, disappearing
Text me only to update me
Pint of Jim Beam, I knew I could keep up with you
I thought maybe you could too.

Theres something about reflecting back on this time
The innocence, nostalgia of it
That fills my bones up with summer soaked skin
Margaritas in the sunshine
As you doted on me through a cellphone
FaceTime became our middle name
As you reached from afar,
Promises we could have written into the sand
Only to watch the wind blow them all away.

Fast forward to walking down the street, arm in arm
You still extend to me sometimes
It feels like we have arrived on different planets
When we choose not to now.
Wings and outstretched newness remaining
Crying under your strong limbs
My heels make me an Amazonian Princess
You chose to not invite me tonight
I guess I don’t blame you
As you walk away from the bar,
I’ll always be eons and centuries far
Away from what we hoped we could be.
Kisses that grew with intensity and longing
Ducks and swans eating eggs and pie
Such contentment, falling asleep nestled like little dolls
You wanted
I wanted
We wanted
We hoped
For this to be
It.

Sweeping into our childhoods
Our families, the cities we thrived in
They’re so different, we couldn’t be more different
We ate sandwiches and should have held hands under the table
Like we do now at times at late night diners
Our loneliness and longing
We reinvent with time and poisonous bottles.

You said the other day
That my poetry feels like a story now
But I teach a lesson with each?
Green leaves edging up the length of your legs,
Our mamas so eloquently speak the truth
Your spine, remember all the times
You professed your love?
As I watched with careful eyes
Running away a little at a time.

We walked to the movies together
Lips smudged in deep red
I remember turning to you afterwards
"I love the fact that a WOMAN edited that!!"
The look of wonder in your eyes
Has kept me here
Bopping and bebopping
All along.

Fire hair, unicorn woman
Other men and women dance next to you
But your eyes shift away
Looking into my face
But you turn to go
Once you see I was never yours to keep.

Unbuttoning, dancing into the wee hours of the night
Across gallery openings
Crowded rooms
The windows of buses
Brown hazel eyes that look like mossy green forests
In the natural sunlight
Delicate but hard rugged skin
Tattoos that made sense under the ink of a gun
Spiky hair that can’t decide which way to sit
Chiseled features, and those lips I’ll always miss a bit
Strength personified by angels sewn into skin
A stature often teased but so mobile, grounded, and free
And lastly the beating entity in your chest full of carefree
Amorous beginnings and endings, humors manners
Compiled into the nymph who ran away with my heart in May
And I lament, "Will I forever be chasing pixie dust?"

I love you.
So much.
I do.
You love me.
You do.
So much.

But I watch you sprinkle the environment
The atmosphere,
Swans biting and swirling around it all
Directing and flying into the shining sky
A beacon of tomorrow and the tomorrows to come
As we inch forward and inch back
Like wild hunters on the loose
With your kindness, your sincere interest
Wonder
You always understood me.

I don't have the answers
I don't know how to keep you
I don't know how to reinvent what we were
As our bodies demand and beg for love
But we
But you
But I,
Insert the perfect answer here.

I knew I always would—
Drifting further and further away with each day
Sometimes I long for you to rush
Through the rip tides and muddy waters
Of the deepest ocean
To rise on the other side
Gasping for air, fingers reaching
As if escaping from a pirouette
I long to encircle it all in frothy candy canes
Unicorn blood stained new found friendship
But we send pics, conveying how removed we are
Blowing out every single candle.

I thought I would have all the proper words
That I could articulate so simply
So simply and with lightness
But you turn 24 in 3 minutes.

I guess I imagined all of this differently
Entangling myself in all of the vines of my words
My thoughts, my fears, my joy
I gave them away to you like little trinkets
A book of poetry, sums up everything we were
But if I compiled it all
It would take me years.
Everything we are
As I curl with love into who I am
As I explode with prophetic cinematic splatter paint
As the ripest orange zests and still professes
Just like we did that warm fall Missouri wedding day.

Thank you.
Thank you for the stories to share
For unknowingly becoming a muse
In my elfin ear.

I placed a sunshine emoji next to your name
In my cellphone
Last week
Because thats what you are
Thats what you will always be
No matter how many times our hands reach
Only to fall back to our sides
As we remember and dote on the time
I told you I was a Southern Woman
And you chased me down the street
Inked yourself with the metaphoric image of me
I wave farewell to it all--
As I held you so dearly in the palm of my hand
Little porcelain
Little porcelain

Baby.
Doll.

Happy Birthday Zak.

Our lips have yet to kiss
We develop our connection, intimate
Calling you on the phone so refreshing
We touched and cuddled under the blanket
After we, in unison made the same sound
Your words so intricate, poignant
I can't even repeat or paraphrase them back.

I was born in the wrong decade you say
You prolifically take in me, my art, my insides
Discussing them and listening
With a rapid ear to the earth
I try not to compare and contrast my past
Its an added bonus if it becomes romantic
You said, comparing that to ice cream, a sunday
Surprised by your immense patience, understanding
I'm in that place where I need a minute
We discuss how we are in a relationship with ourselves
With our careers
I smile sincerely as you curate and deeply discuss
Actively listening, glistening.

My mama just about ruined it for me
"He's black."
She said to me over the phone.
It was just like a megaphone had been taken over
By a group of aliens
They gargled and salted our flesh
Judging and caging us, attempting to restrict
Connection, depth
I stood up for you, for me, for all of us
We couldn't even discuss how my weekend had gone
The disappointment and mourning in her tone
Because your skin just happens to be
Several shades darker than mine.

I don't get it
And I don't like it.
It reminds me of when I was in high school
A boy named JJ kissed me up against a wall
He was the all star athlete
I was the art queen
The Southerns whispered behind our backs
You had a red rose on the front seat of the passenger seat for me
You were immature and too silly for me, in the end
But I'll never forget the deep heart break
And young trauma
Of being told by my father
That I would ruin the family
Get my little brother bullied
If I went to the dance with you.

And maybe my father was right
And maybe he was deeply wrong
And maybe if we had all fiercely stood together
We could have made a strong dent
In the history and repression
Of the deep south.

25 years old
And its like I'm being told once again
Not to go to the ball
I told my mama its highly possible
I may not end up with a white man.

I don't know.
I never seem to right this moment
But Chicago is so cultured, so diverse, so
Just filled with art and people
Surrounded by new faces and places everyday
Its really, truly
Very overwhelming.

"He's black."
He's black
He's black
As if this fact were shameful
Or a reason for me to run.

But mama
I've run all my life
I've spent my years running
And I don't know what this man
Or what anything means right now
But I'm tired of running.

I said I wouldn't write about you just yet
And I won't.

Another. A face, celebrate
Its the last night of your show
Like mint candies hung around my neck
I found a new appreciation for the greenery
Tripping acid will do that to you.

I see things in a way
That was there before
But even more imaginative, free
I'll never forget
The closing in of the darkness
And the way my body looked outside
My skull 3 times its size.

I'm tired
For once, I feel tired
I have grown restless
In this place that oppresses with its perfection
I'm so use to hitting the pavement
And so scared of what I must do
Just don't let me return
With a pink garter on
The final night I saw myself
And knew I'd gone too far
But it got your attention.

It got your attention
As you parade and hide from your innermost truth
I admitted today
I can no longer hide and settle
Wear my sleeveless green dress
As you oohed and oozed
Where do you go when all is lost?

A sense of lightness, release
I no longer bury myself in the ground
For what I cannot control
But I do wonder
Do I flicker through your mind, at times?

He said my name twice
The ex who left me for dead
Because he was too much of a mess
And I don't know what anything will look like
But I found an old ripped up note
Where I was reassuring myself of the love with another
Who is now married
And not to me.

And I thought the other day
Thank god,
He was always, really
Pretty mean
And abundantly controlling.

A key and mirror facing my chest
A picture I drew long ago
It looks like me now.

I should have written more
I should have outlined more
This this this this this this this this
I miss every bit of everything I don't have

You must be asleep.
Perhaps you will greet me in the morning

But for now
I just really need opportunities
So why wait.

Heavy green vivid eyes
Necklace hanging from my neck
Lets find Snowflake, he's the one thats got the in
Costumes and macrame swirling in clouds
Glow in the dark puppet show
The serpent with the face was my favorite.

Drowning in your beard follicles
Sitting on your lap, all pretty
Dancing and twirling as if a can can dancer
You watch me and my sisters of the moon
You all watch me and my sisters of the moon
But we vibrate and race the sky
Because it feels so good to be true
Too
To who we wanna be.

Driving home at that little 6am o'clock time
Filtering past words that got that negative taste
I make haste, pink party dress
I truly dance on my own.

Lets finally, really just bebop this summer
I can sense the barricade between
From me to you, but I make due
Lover, lover
Ain't you thats defining me.

Decaying skeletons pushing through
The almost entirely shut door
New ones open, beaming radiance
A Spanish man illustrated and poured me absinthe
Molly in my other palm, we take it together
We lie across the sheets together
Wet hot spring but I look up at the ceiling, knowing
Flying ******* free.

Chicago is its own orbiting city of sleepless nights
Colorful splatter painted sunrises
We don wigs, costumes
Being whoever we want to be.

I don't wanna delete all that was good
But I contemplate the best way to proceed
Feeling confident 'bout turnin' my phone off tonight.

Business, business
Always caught in transactions
The Wolf leans over the fake grass
But he don't really do PDA he say
As I watch beautiful women croon into microphones
Seat and smile, we laugh at the wildness
The happiest I've been in a very long time.

I suspect I will sleep so hard
As faces bump up toxic fumes
To indicate the past
But like the hourglass I picked up at the check in table
Live painting sans the artist
I've spent a life time trying to make the wrong men right
So I stop teaching, babysitting
Revisiting old tunes, redefining them
What a life to live
What a life I live
Never thought I'd be the woman
Everyone so profusely
Desired to stand next to.

Maybe I haven't discovered true romantic fulfillment
Maybe it has uncovered me
This moment
But I attend art shows
Flowers grow from my ear lobes
Trust, trusting it

The sun goes down from my windowsill
We toast
I toast
The innermost depth and beauty
Of the permeating soul.

We're hiding behind catching Pokemon
Because we can't face the truth of what's happening outside our closed doors.

I'm the kinda girl
That throws on her overalls
Packs a bowl
Cookies and popcorn
Cocktails
For the big night
But lets have 'em be virginal
Cuz everyone will like that real good.

So much
So much
Its all so much
I watch him and him
Continue
To fall away
I watch him go
Disappear and leave the building
With plants and paintings
But it was never you
That painted the portrait
I watch you go
For the final time
Wondering
Do I
Do I
Do I

I do
The phrase brides use


Time to leave the house and run the coop.

Dreaming so vividly
Sunlight in my eyes
Hearing myself say goodbye 3 times.

But two watch me as they go
Betrayer I watched you step out into the sunlight
You didn't look back.
Professor, you say nothing in return
Long Eyelashes, we are a little broken.

Don't ever let anyone in this world
Tell you, you can't do something
Scars and bathroom mirrors
Smoking **** in the bathroom
Denial of sexuality and freedom
I left behind the pristine south
To forget being just a homemaker.

But its so close to home, I say
As we trim footage, blow up balloons
Don't yell in my face if you can't come through
Kitchen counters, he just wanted to remember
Tears welling and forgetting
Take it, just take it
Read it all the way through.

The Women of The Now & I
I feel like I could sleep for many moons
But we moon sisters, we seek to ink our limbs
With the love we have to give
I give him back his hat, say what I need to say
Forget the desire to wish you were more present.

Because this is just my temporary present
As women come in and view my apartment
Alabama sunlight soon will sing my name
As Chicago dances closer and closer to my stage.

We left our skulls in our hometown
Chocolate covered in sugar and protein
Made me feel better to eat sweeter
I had a thought as I sat on the edge of my bed
On this night, summer solstice
But I didn't spend much time with the moon
Other than to tip my top hat
That this whole journey
Every single second, bit of it
It all brought me here.

Thats why the ink on my leg embodies me, my soul
The essence
I didn't know what it wanted to be
And neither did I
I remember
Like the blinking and flashing of a thousand eyes
Walking in the fall of Chicago
In the skirts of Bucktown
You rode your longboard down the street
Or met me in Andersonville as per my request
Dunkin Donuts coffee
Don't you
Don't you
You must remember
Don't you?
Or I sat at a bar and waited for you
We rode the train
We wrote and carved our name
In the haves and have nots
The sunlight hit you in your favorite straw hat
I know you have the remember that
"I've never dated a professional director before"
You said it and spoke it
With such a mysterious amusement
And those words alone
You asked me how I felt about dating a professional dancer
I remember
My answer must have sounded like
A scuba diver trying to make phone calls under water
And today, as I was trapped once again at the hostess stand
I relived and saw it all
In my gloomy summer June haze.

Every single moment
Breath
A tight red dress at the Christmas party
The way you grabbed my *** before you left
Like it still belonged to you
I ran away from the Halloween Harry Potter themed party
And abandoned you
Only to come back because I was scared
Of what it meant to leave you alone
What it meant when I woke you up
To say I'm sorry lets work it out
The dinners I cooked
The soggy pasta you made
We watched Candy and wept
Did ******* to forget
That you would eventually
Steal your sweatshirt back
While I was not home
Without a word.

Because its all
Just come to that
Rainbow colored hair
And you fading away
I just loved how you talked to me
I thought we might side step
Waltz around the town
Worship the marks on our backs
But really truly
I guess,
You couldn't hang.

I'm not sure what it is
Perhaps the time of year
Our palms met with the newness
We had our first kiss
I came over almost everyday
But also stayed away
"I'm trying to make art things happen!"
I remember texting you as you tried to convince me to come over
And I meant it.
Every word, every syllable, every consonant
Of that sentence
And it took me a whole year
To sit on the edge of my bed eating ice cream
In the month of June 2016
To simply understand
That I came here not really knowing
Or even owning
What I wanted to do yet.

A big experiment, audition
I wear almost every hat
It enlightens me
And exhausts me
I allow myself to breathe
I thought to myself
Several times today
But I carve it out in stone here now
Close my eyes at the end of the night
Remember wearing the maroon sweatshirt of another man
My hair *****
I washed my parts in the sink
From the scapegoat of another man
And let you have me
Only to watch you take bottles of wine away
And remind me
I'm trying to make art things happen.

"Why do you hate me so much"
I heard and felt myself type in my minds eye
But I don't send it
I don't even type it
Like I was once wont to do
Its been 3 years and a past lover of mine
Expresses his mourning for the loss of us
3. Years.
Will you too, someday see?

But really
It doesn't matter
It just doesn't
I acknowledge the image of you behind the children's toys
Or the way I reflected in your aviator sunglasses
Or the fact you haven't deleted a single picture of me from your facebook
What haunts me the most
Is that I poured out every ounce of kindness I had left
And you smacked it away with your bright tank tops
And little man ways
Because you couldn't take
That I was just trying to make art things happen.

Remember our portfolio of poetry?
Our call and response.
I would write
You would sort of reply?
I stapled them all together
So glad, so relieved to share
Something at last
I stopped sharing at the end
You claim you have written two since then
I have written more than I can verbalize

And at the end
At the end of it all
The sharing felt so good so right
I convinced myself in the morning and in the night
But it was always me calling out
Awaiting your weak inauthentic reply.

Talking about me
Your side of the story
I wish it didn't loom or buzz around me
Can't say that I'm surprised
You hug me last and watch me go
I'll always be the one to really
Go.

Going out tonight
Replacing images and moments with you
With a new life
We both draw lines in the dirt around us
Reinventing how to make this work
Making plans and keeping our love inside
When will the day come that you don't
Take up all of mind?

I could nap all day
But I would lay there with my eyes wide open
If I do this or hold this dear
It will fulfill me
Butterflies and vines formulate
Around every muscle on my insides
I wish so much at times
We could have made it work.

But it would have all fallen to pieces
Just like we did
Rising from the ashes, I work it out through art
As powerhouse women surround me
They think you seem like a good man
Because you are
But I drift away on the calmness of my own sea.

Everything, everything
You say things and repeat things
My trust on a distant island
I wonder what faces I will kiss
And brush you away in my mind
This January night.

The thing about failed relationships is they are A LOT like tattoos.

You are so elated, excited, sometimes you go in with friends
You lay down your body, you try to be at ease
Some people handle it well, some people don't
But you have imagined this image, this beautiful, silly, or memento of a thing in your head SO much that there was no world in which you didn't permanently have it stamped on you
Or maybe it is just totally random and on a whim.

A sudden jolt, "Oh! Eh! Thats what that feels like."
The familiar itching sting.
Then your body relaxes, understands what this means
You search your mind for other thoughts
Moments of intense stinging pain
And beautiful, euphoric out of body experiences
Almost a deep pleasure

And then before you know it,
Its done--its just over
"Oh ****! Well that wasn't so bad"
You say, examining this moment on your body in a mirror
And you forever, for all of eternity
Unless you literally have surgery
Are marked with the ink of what you saw
What you wanted
For years, months, days, or milliseconds
Onto your skin, your soul, your heart
Your very dust of this earth
In what we human beings like to dub
"Forever."

But wait. At the end, at the end of it all
You can look and think back to this inked memory
With a vast array of emotion, thought
But simply allow yourself
To flash back to who you were then
Who you were with
Were you alone?
As needles inked your limbs
You can regret or despise
Or allow yourself to smile
At that particular beautiful moment in Time.

Painted blush and bursting red
Out of my breathing, heavy chest
Took so much to get here, but I know
It ain't over yet.

Boxes come and my door buzzes
Gifts and tokens of love from you
Handles of wine disappear
But I don't know how to write
Anymore.

A series, a trilogy--make everyfuckingthing
Waiting for the ring ring ring
But I don't wait
A slice of pizza in my mouth
Kisses and physical affection I long for
But I shoot with my little camera
Dance to the upbeat chorus
With all my friends by my side
Oh what it means, to feel revitalized.
Humming radio sounds, can't get you out of my head
"Baby, I think I am the only one who deserves you."

Stripping down fabric, lets take our chaos out on the town
I pile clothing and articles of the past
High atop each other like a mountain
Into the sky I wish I could float and knife through
Sell it, take it
New chapter, woman I am becoming.

Hearing voices of candy hearts
Twisted pink swirls of lust and love
I wear my little red dress
Glad to be so done with the past
My walls become more and more blank
New ******* slate
And I cannot seem to break
Old habits of mine
So we do, we discuss self worth
And the wonder of 20 something
Late into the snowy night.

I should really get that camera in my face
Try to make you see what you mean
But baby, you are just a computer screen
For now.
But I smell real leather and sing songs
Of my longing for a man
I cannot have right now
But my gypsy skirt and I
A wand of power and sensuality in my hand
We burst like a flame
Into the world.


Everybody has to say something
About everyone's happiness
Caffeine filled veins
I trudge through the snow
Nothing wrong
Something beautiful
About sleeping alone
And I don't wallow over The Betrayer
Or past lovers
But I smile at new bags
Art that lifts me up into the sky
People that dance around me,
Lightning bolts and disco lights
Line up next to us.

Valentine's day.
Red, pink, purple
Light pretty little colors
Open your organs to happiness.

The Rites of Spring
My father says, his dialect springing up
Like all of the dandelions
Bumblebees and kissing weeds
As four bottles of wine seem to go, so quickly.
"You are easy to fall in love with."
Childhood love, cure me of my latest heartbreak
But my lips, I cover them with my hand
Watch you fall asleep in my bed
Nausea and emotions I gotta ignore
I wish I could buy everything in every store.


Lets go through folders
But first, Professor--ya gotta delete that fol--
Folder, my father and I look through what we jest as:
"Teedle Blackmail."
Old report cards, look at all the good grades I made
I had forgotten that I use to break the decorations
Off of my lamp, teenage years swirling through me
As I tried to conceptualize ****** smiles on my skin.

Heart beating so fast, had to hit a thimble of ****
But Professor smiles and smiles,
Can't deal with mistakes, unspoken words
The boys these days, they wanna tell me
"You hold me accountable."
A leader, a leader, school teacher
89s, 93, a 90 in Chemistry
**** standardized testing
"He's book smart, but he is NOT wise."
Move along, I move along
Indeed.

Led on, chicken sandwich makes me feel better
Mama has got some soup she says tastes like ****
Studying films by watching, give me some words
To hang onto.
A young lady in Alabama
Eatin' it up when mistaken for age 19
But age 19 black rimmed eyes, childhood love
He remembers just what my corset looked like.

You wouldn't want to marry me, now.
And by that--I guess what I really mean
Is that I wouldn't want to marry you.
It would be simple, quaint
I could just throw in the towel
But I'm not one to throw.

Though disappointment and some let downs
Whisper in my ear
I lay in the grass alone, close my eyes
4 bottles of wine mocking me all day
Fill up the tub with love
Because its out there
In everything I see, touch, feel
"I knew you were meant for more. I knew you would leave."
"You were worth it."

Worth.
Worthiness
Self worth
Worthy.

I passed by the deep blue pool
Imagining like The Lady of Shalott
But I communicate, reflect, create
The lamp next to me steady

Unbroken.

He held me in the coming autumn air
And said to my ear and to my eyes
I don't want to lose you Layne Marie.

Like the pendulum of a clock I'd been waiting
Wistfully waiting on those words
Our schedules sending us in polar opposite
Directions
I finger paint my hopes and dreams
Into the earth
But I don't pick any one thing or man
Out.

I explained to my therapist
The kind of dream man I've always envisioned
I remember when there was a moment there
Where I thought it was just you and me.

So I tumble into the hay
A camera deep in the palm of my hands
Sitting among the front of an audience
I adjust my skirt, my arms
I'm always wanting and needing more money.

We went through the maze
And seem to have found our way out
It became a bit gory and toxic there for a moment
I flutter the lids of my eyes
Hugs and drugs soaring
And just try to let it be
Let myself be kind
Patient
And not because you told me so
I just allow myself to expect
Nothing
All around.

Things About Me That Are Exponentially Special:
1. The cadence of my speech
2. The love that I have to give
3. The way that I can make someone feel like they are the only person in the room
4. My imagination
5. My innate ability to get **** done
6. My tattoos
7. The very large birth mark on the inside of my right lower leg
8. I've never had cavities
9. Never broken any limbs
10. The platform I've created and stood behind
11. Bama. Philly/NYC. Chicago.
12. I've been loved really quite abundantly by men, even if they were the wrong men.
13. My parents are in a loving sustainable marriage
14. I have two brothers. In order to survive I spent all of my time with them. Video games. Sports. Adventuring. I lived a double life of gaming and playing dress up or entertaining myself with my imagination because I didn't have a play mate.
15. Because of this I consider myself to be a pretty singular individual
16. I thrive as a born leader in group settings without even meaning to
17. I can radiate at any moment and bring people to me
18. I'm very emotionally sensitive and temperamental
19. I founded a film festival right out of college
20. I moved away and left everything behind twice before the age of 25
21. I feel the most me with colorfully customized hair and stiletto nails
22. I dress in a different style according to my mood every single day
23. I never do my make up the same way twice
24. I think I might be pretty good at social media
25. I held a camera in my hands and made incredibly specific barbie videos of the world around me and found my way back to it
26. I have dabbled in just about every artistic medium
27. My mother and I could not be more different. And in some ways, similar
28. I greatly admire my father but also narrow my eyes at times.
29. I speak up when no one else will.
30. I have close friends all over the US.
31. I have traveled most said places in US
32. I feel the need to go travel abroad
33. I think I might have finally found "my person"
34. Unless its a direct quote or word, any time I use quotation marks--I delete them. Something feels discrediting or mocking about them
35. I have had *** with men of various ethnicities, and I love that so ******* much.
36. I'm a better me when I have time to work out every day
37. I'm learning to find moments to sit still and meditate once daily
38. I'm a total ******* and its all pointed inward
39. When I was a kid I played out intense sketches with friends where I would be assassinated in said sketches
40. I've been going through a phase lately where I think 99 percent of people are full of ****. I realized tonight while washing my face that although this might be true (totes is) that fear may also be internally within me.
41. Before a big project, I become very self loathing and dark. Fear of it never being realized grips me very tightly. I do not show this to others.
42. I tried to **** myself a few times when I was a teen.
43. I had never done hard drugs until I moved to Chicago
44. I like what I like and don't ever apologize for it. I just am exactly who I want to be.
45. I'm good at the many things that I do, and when I just believe that--I can set any crowded room on fire.

Things About Me That Are So Many Levels Of Not Special:
1. I am white
2. I am a woman
3. My family is very wealthy
4. I'm straight
5. I've never had *** with a woman
6. I've had my heart absolutely broken in half several times
7. I've broken hearts absolutely in half several times
8. I've lied
9. I've cheated
10. I was a clepto as a teen, not because I didn't have money but because I loved the rush and stuff.
11. I've said hateful things
12. I feel trapped by my parents at times
13. I'm an artist
14. I'm "poor" (quotation marks!)
15. When I speak, I often think as I am speaking that I don't make any ******* sense
16. I tell myself more often than I should that I'm not intelligent
17. I've forgotten the valuable education I learned in high school
18. I nod and agree when I don't understand
19. I was molested when I was 15
20. I should read more
21. For being a filmmaker, I really need to step up my film watching game
22. I'm very impatient
23. I tend to hurt others without even meaning to. But half the time I make up the hurt in my head
24. My paranoia is crippling
25. I have so much I want to do and often overwhelm myself to the point I don't get it done
26. I have blonde hair
27. I'm 5'7
28. I'm thin
29. Its hard for me to let go of the past
30. I loved high school
31. I liked college
32. I've been abused by a boyfriend
33. I pick fights with new lovers to test them
34. I worry about things other people would never even think of
35. When a relationship ends, I grieve for a long time
36. I've been cheated on
37. Men have tricked me into thinking they were someone else because they wanted me so much
38. When I show my inner demons I worry they will retreat, Marilyn Monroe complex
39. I think really cruel things very casually in my mind about myself at least once a day, I don't know where this stems from
40. I obsess over the details and lines in my face. This is a recent endeavor. I hate it.
41. I can tell exactly how tired I am because of this.
42. Spending money on getting my work noticed
43. Wishing for more
44. Never settling or choosing
45. Getting in my own way and thinking the rest of the world is out to get me when they are the lead character of their own story.

Be the person to change my mind?
No, no--I don't even really know what that means
But that phrase just flickered through my head.
My mother constantly holds her breath
"It must be genetic" we all say at the lunch table
Our dialects so ******* thick you could slice through them
Like sweet honey butter
Our eyes closed in unison, prayers before the lord
I'm the black sheep who slightly rolls my eyes
We all sigh. Let out that exhalation.

I think you and I could talk about anything.
And it scares me to be intoxicated
But God, I miss you being on top of me.
A fantasyland we can create, I see the colors and fabrics so vividly
Lets play make believe, with cotton candy grins and candy cane
Stained mouthes, I wish I could place my mouth....
Fly me to a place I have never known?
I think I could beat you at a game of chess
But I don't even know how to play.

Its New Years Eve today.
Big ******* 2015 and thank God, thank God
Close our eyes in unison.
I remember drinking out of the sink in the fancy country club bathroom
This time last year.
A platinum girlfriend and I took a million pictures
I nearly missed the countdown
But flung myself onto the dance floor at the last beat, my 2014 stupid fake glasses
A gentleman grabbed me by the waist
As we pranced right in front of the band
Belligerence was my middle name that night
And a little bitterness mixed with immense freedom
But everyone told me I looked just like
Zelda Fitzgerald
That New Years Eve night.

Hot green tea and tight braids
Photograph me if you want to keep me
An older man told me once that he thought he should chase me
I remember looking at my reflection and shaking my head
Like the Betrayer once shook his head
And I felt myself covered in weary sighs and a wetness from my face
And thinking, "this cannot be my own."

I have two days left in the ***** filthy South
So lets make it ******* count.
Bullet whiskey and love on my arm
You have to learn how to hold yourself
To release into the depth of another.


Confetti looks its best as it is falling from the air.

I'm ******
At my boyfriends house.

Listening to Cecilia by Simon & Garfunkel
Lit crawl echoes and hums outside
We welcome pumpkin spice & technological devices
Hum hum hum hum
Thump thump thump
Ringringringring
In the most pleasant way
Mhm mhm mhm mhm.

I've been so ******* myself
I realized as I left my neighborhood
Like, really quite brutal at times
Pack a bowl
Lets glimmer in the evening sunshine
Everything's weird
And magical
When ya just let it
Be be be be be be be.

I started spring before the windy city
Quite released itself to the power of floral
5am nights, jump and whistle in the lights
Slap my face hard a million times
If it gets your face and demeanor
Out of my whirling head.

This smoothie I made today isn't my best work
Orange zest cayenne pepper my face
Tequila and mix the mixes
Like a little sea ******' witch
I float in a boat of my own desire.

Lets keep her tame, remain
Mine in such a way he must think
As he rolls dice in my direction
But my eyes were always looking
Above your head.

DJ gotta give rough kisses
Men talk too much.

The sun shines and greets my hung over
Body and face
I think my room mate is not a morning person
Neither am I.

Everyone got birthdays happening all around me
It makes me ponder breadth and depth
Newness
"You are a revelation"
A film critic tells me
But I remain with my coffee lip stained mug

I wonder how your night was
I peek and seek that you have seen
Snaps from my hard night out
I gotta exercise, exercise
I try not to get caught up in the details
But you've got so much free time this week
You would like to hang
You would like
You would like
You would like

I don't wanna fight.

Last night was top 5 best nights in Chicago
Its been a minute since I felt that
Got that vibe, got that groove
I purge and strike you out of my mind
Until you next seek the palm of my hand
I shake it out, off, around
I'm really


Really a very lucky woman.

I've got coconut oil on my face
Sometimes its easiest
To start by stating the obvious
You sent me some sweet tulips
That were fresh from the garden
Picked apart by decipherable content
If I tried to comb your hair
I'd tend to each knot.

We kick up the dust with our heels
In this nation we so seek to change
But we are careful and clever
With our rock steady gaze
I compared us to oceans
What seems like the other day
But really was just the night
I almost knocked you down with
The door that no longer swung
On its hinges or buzzed
As an element of the pavement.

That door, I seem to be holding within
My soul my ever whisper
I could wake up next to you
In your black bed
See how the shadows hit you so eloquently
My lips not kissing yours
For fear of a surrender that might
Cover us all up in pitiful red damage
So I hug and give love
Because I do, love you.

I thought this looked like the inside of your head
For a moment there I thought we might develop in time
That you might wake up one day
And just choose me
But as time echoes and creeks
We both look away from the news in unison
You make the raps
I'll capture it with my eyes.

And thats whats here
Thats whats at stake
You looked so beautiful
Lights exploding behind you
I voice recorded so much
Because if I could I would bury it all in a hand basket
Trying to capture and save the rawness
That we see through our binoculars.

I'm sorry that a gloom surrounds you
I see it cough up venom
With nimble hands I fight it off for us
But we are no us
As you entangle us with words and love
I always wanted you to write about me.

I didn't mean to leave to hurt you
Its just what I do.
For now.

Whiskey faded me all day
Still feeling like a bucket of possibility
You are at your best when covered
In splatter paint.

I looked my DNA back up tonight
I spit in a tube because I wanted answers
I discovered a message from a man named Eugene Jackson
Our trees align
He's a strong black man.

I don't know what I'm made up of
As folk deny we're all interconnected
All breathing one vivid breath
We shiver and we quiver
'Cuz you know what we gotta do.

Just turn it into art.

And now theres really nothing else that remains
I ripped the bright orange post it
In half and it was as if smoke clouds
Confetti and wisps of suns bursting into flames
Floated from the pieces of the page
After I crumpled it in my hand
As though the curse, or spell
Had at last, broken free.

I emailed the prettiest brightest email
I could muster up.
My room mate showed me flurry of messages
Celebrating, lets not acknowledge
The obvious
"If she wants to go, let her"
One of the girls replied
So I did
I went and I went and I went.

Nothing now remains
I'll wash off all the residue for the final time
Tomorrow morning
A day to grieve, comprehend
I almost burnt up all my chicken tonight again
But I saved it at the last minute
We drop money on ****.

I think a lot of the reason I held on
Was to feel less alone
In this unfamiliar, vast city.

But I embrace the strangeness
But its really not so strange
I'll return to my old stomping grounds
Happily, without you by my side
No need to compete or make sure
You like or see my face on social media
A hundred and two times
Because I'm back to doin' me.

So eloquent
You once said in response
Brilliant
Too brilliant for my own good
All that remains now is moving forward.

My heavy burnt and bleeding wings flap
One by one, we lift ourselves off of the ***** ground
The ground that caught me in lack of self worth, shame
And we fly like
I fly like
Without looking back.

A jacket of prisms
The way the light hit you
I have so many photos to delete now.

I stood up against the wall
My hair blonde and green
I reread all the messages
Trying to better understand
I considered raising my white flag
And didn't.

For once
It is me that is in control
It is me that gets to go
It is me that calls the shots.

Quiet in the house
In the house covered in boxes
I pull out my camera
Knowing I can't possibly capture it all
I thought and hoped
I was special.

I drive around in my car
The car we plan to sell
Clearing my head
Leaving my phone at home
Needing and wanting solace
And deeply unattached
For a moment in time.

Needing much sleep
Time away
For green leaves to lift me up
The last time I was here
Nothing between us existed yet
Do you remember
When we woke up the next day
And you said that you felt so content?

It's not just about you
A flurry of shadows of the past
Come echoing in
Like skeletons waiting to pounce
I relive that trip to disneyland at least once a week
I think of the way you used to talk to me
And how many times

I have settled
And settled
And settled again.

So maybe, really,
The problem is me.

The problem is that I get bored, I get lonely
And I settle
And settle again.

I don't want to write anymore sad poems.
I don't want to spend anymore time
Being sad over a boy
Who didn't know
It was me he wanted
Until I was gone.

I walked into your home
You looked nice
Like a damp spring or the end of summer day
And you walked up to me
My lips and my skirt matching
Your eyes looked like deep brown puddles
Marbles I would play with or swallow
As a child
And you said so calmly and with such immense love
And a tinge of fear of the possibility of me ever
Disappearing
And you said
"I do know that you feel things so deeply. I'm really. Really sorry."

Your lips in a little frown
Like you might sob
And you kissed me
And all would be well.

Thats a first.
I had a title before I wrote a single letter.

***** martini girl scribbling in her little black notebook
Sometimes when I write poetry it feels less purposeful
You are in a really good mood, you type and text to me
Your hand a gentle greeting in between my shoulder blades
Right where wings spread when no one else is around.

I spotted the swan tattoo on your ankle this morning
As the snow colored sun peeked in through my windows

You stayed behind while I frolicked over in the cold
Leaving things behind? Staying involved?
But letting something be its own entity.

The bartender asked me if I was your girlfriend
I laughed my response so awkwardly casual
Rubbing lemon juice on my pink face
You kissed me so passionately in the cab
Last night, my lipstick staining both of us
We have stained each other
In a way I'll always remember.

Blame it on the cold
The alcohol
The slippery snow, hibernating
Everyone wants that someone to snuggle
Kiss and watch movies with
We fell back asleep this morning
You held me as if I were a little doll
"Skin like porcelain"

We both know the truth
Sipping green tea, smoothies
I gear up and rally myself for this or that
Hoping I could have just filed you away
Like a bank statement
Or late fee
To crown 2016 with more lightness
But we dance in bed sheets
Surrounding ourselves with poison
But a poison we both hold so dear.

I tried to put on my make up
You always watch me so carefully
Like a hunter admiring a rare bird
If I sent you a poem you would read it
"More than once."

I brush off my sensitivity, paranoia
Painting strokes into the Chicago pavement
As we jest our once a week rendezvous
But if I ever needed you,
You would run to me.

"Nice try boss!"
Your hand writing so juvenile
Minty desert shot, disrespect you called it
Cigarettes taking you away
Always taking you away
I watch you go.

I got home and sobbed into the ground
I don't know what came over me
My worst fear has always been
Abandonment.
You traveled to me, waving outside of my window
Bare feet running in the snow like crossing out--
All the times I use to write my whole name
With a man's last attached to it.

Stroking my legs, holding my hands
As we devoured our eggs
Love in the public eye
I switch around times, schedules, framing my life
Through a Black Magic camera lens.

This poem could go on and on
Playing and twirling like I'm on the biggest playground
Your weapons of love present, but lets make it so distant
Aimed right at my temple
Remember when we rode on the ferris wheel
The sunlight hitting your face
I snapped pictures of you, we were so young
We are so young.
I felt so at peace, new, refreshing
Only to end up dancing in an empty room
With you.

But we grab hands from time to time
Catching your looks in the reflection
Of a love making mirror
I light things on fire
Matches and gasoline oozing from my pores, my lips.

The glimmer in your eye when you see hints of jealousy cross my face
But I know I'll always be the only woman in the room
"You need to settle down."
Molly come down.
Molly come down.
The polaroid on my window sill almost mocking
We cannot help but lean, lean
Into one another
But, but.

I light myself on fire.

There is nothing in this world as courageous
As children.
Fearless, no apologies, committed to the end
Lets make a mockery of all the people
Who do us wrong.
Rewrite history cathartically but secretly
Lets draw on dolls with sharpies, paint their bodies and faces
Perform funny voices, themes
Spend hours building sets

Shrill voices, laughter that makes your stomach ache
There is nothing as brave as a child.
And though the world looks at us
And we look at ourselves
We wonder and they wonder:
Who are you?
We are heroes.

I'm a naughty bad *****
Covered in lacy laughter and fingertips
I hate laying on the operating table.

I'd rather rub my face against a violin
As it whimpered and crooned
All the times I rode on the tour guide bus
Wished for dreams to come true.

But clouds and pixie dust
I consume and cough them up
As liquids run down my limbs
Longing whiteness
Perfection.

I can't wait for an email
A commercial, a cash register
To go bing bang ****
I haven't been able to make myself write
In so long.

I don't know if its because whistles of self loathing
Secure and secretly
RING RING RING
Wrong number, this has gotta be the wrong number
I'm not sure what I want
I'm not sure who you are
I just want to ink my tongue.

Summer in the concrete jungle
Everyone claims "OH! I LOVE CHICAGO!"
Dollar signs and fleeting moments pass by me
Numb to it all, weight on my back
Soak it up
No man to really call my name
No, not right now.

A coffee shop, it all started in.
Green eyes, leaves, get that paper
Skin so ******.
So ******.

Sun kissed limbs
Walking too far, lost downtown
But don't mind, nope don't mind
Felt a joy I hadn't felt in a few days time
Thinkin' about all my warriors spread out among states
How they lift themselves up everyday
Our lives so different, we can't fully understand
But we listen and hum
Our love so immense so monumental.

I'm sorry that its been hard
Stressful
My friend Alex made a joke about drugs being the cause
Of it all in the water
That mighty scary stuff
With snake like claws its taken hold of so many
In just this year alone.

Not a single reply from you
I guess it does disappoint my heart a bit.

We will never be friends.

But I'm finding peace with it
Goose bumps on my arms, drank up every drop
Of this chai latte
I know I need several upgrades
My environment growing and changing
I miss my parents.

The feminine voices all around me sing so true
I turned my phone off yesterday because I needed time to disappear

I wish you had answered.
Theres truly nothing
I can do.

I defriended her at last today
Because I realized it wasn't fruitful to my existence
To see the past howl and move forward with happiness
Remaining in my old apartment
None of it matters or changes me
Any longer
And neither do you.

But I'm sorry.
I'll probably feel that deep in my bones
For quite some time now
Swiping and moving away from criticism
Picture locked.
Picture locked.
I locked my picture.

Trusting it all
That I make
Sense.

Lets go out tonight
I'll wear my thrift store **** **** shoes
Feeling hot, on the prowl
Soaking it all up
Summer in Chicago
I've never been so ******* free.

White left over production nails
Dancer boy said Lemon so many times
He fell for me so fast, everyone
Lays their head on the bar
To agree or disagree
You gotta leave me,
Tomorrow.

And I’m so use to being left
Protecting my heart & my head
Shedding vulnerable tears in your arms
You speak with such grounding sensual
Freedom, you believe—you believe
But I just can’t have
Anymore ghosts, haunting me.

Make love to me.
Make love to me like I’m not number
34 or 35
But we both move our game board—
Pieces across the table—as you
Look at me.
So sweet & you say
“I think you are too brilliant for your own good.”

I get wet just thinking
Of the wise witty things
Your perfect dancing mouth
Utters.
But I challenge, twist, run
With my shields surrounding me—
Lets let go, you didn’t know this morning—
If you could give yourself—
To me.
Its not just ***
Its not just ***
Its not just ***
Look & hunt & find
Me when you return—
Even if I’m with the wrong man
But I know you will always understand.
But if you wanted to ink
My name in cursive
Where it would perfectly
Lie among your muscular
And valiant hips
I could cover you in whip cream—
Make you forget every woman
You ever knew before me.

“He can write poetry with you.”
A best friend of mine said.

Lemons are multipurpose.
Sweet little Cardinal, devour me.
   Please.

Does she let you **** her in the ***?
Do you grab her long hair and think of me?
I hope the ink you had torn into your skin
Hurt you and you wanted to scream
But you remained zen because thats what I did.

Does she know that you aren't over it?
Does she know that you can't even hear the word
"Woman"
Without the image of my face, my eyes, my lips
Hitting and splicing you in half
You are the predator and you aren't even special.

It makes so much sense
This is what you do
You couldn't take a moment to breathe
And I'm sure your mama even knows it.

Does your new woman know your darkest secret?
Does she wake up in the morning smelling of ninja turtles
Mildew and all the promises you will never keep?
Does she moan for you real good
As images of the truth fill your mind
Do you tell her you want to marry her
Do you get her off to thoughts of her baring your child
Does she secretly and quietly think
That one day soon she will out grow you so strongly
With such a loud clamoring chaotic sound

That before she knows it

You will have repeated your cycle all over again.

A new girl to ****
A new girl to want to marry
You will grab her hair
And want to **** her ***
And if she has any brains
She will never let you.

I guess I just have to admit
That it was all too hard
Too unpleasant
And when I look around me
At the happy couples
I see a thing I've never had
Never personally witnessed.

A real ease.
Getting along without need
A coexistence
Without constant reassurance
An exploration
Of mutual profoundness
The ability to take up space
In your own separate ways
While still being
Each other's best dance partner.

When will I truly enjoy
The way someone dances with me?

What's that like?
I'm not sure
And I think it's because for eons
I strived so hard
To find it.

I don't know
I'm not sure
But I don't think my family has it
And I think I've convinced myself I had it
A plethora of times
And now all there is left to do
Is thrive, exist
And let go.

Did it make you feel so good
To decide to be the one to fill your cup
To the brim with hatred and abandonment
Was it because I raised my white flag one last time
And you had to be the one
With the last word
The one to echo, nod and say
In your colorful get up
Goodbye girl
You never mattered at all.

Or perhaps
I mattered much, too much
I'm not sure what happened
But I don't dance next to the river with you
Any longer.

I guess its good
I guess I'm glad
Most of the time
But my heart pangs and rings
From time to time
When I hear your name, see pictures of your face
And I guess thats why you replaced me
With such swift demise
And a candor for silly ink
In order to make me matter less.

I heard you asked about my movie
When really,
You asked about me
This town ain't that big sweetheart
Did you heart about how I've tried?
I kissed a note in pale pink lipstick
Called you on the phone to say I'm so sorry for your loss
But something within you
Made you fight my love
With one final blow.

If you could
I think you might would do me harm
And what echoes throughout my days
Is how could someone that loved me so dearly
Evoke and turn to such hatred?

You threw me from the wolves
Into the ocean, waved goodbye
I made art out of it all
And if it wasn't for our downfall
I wouldn't be where I'm at
But don't you wish
Don't you see
That I've left you behind in year 1
Just like I knew I always would.

A personification of what was
This time last year we smiled over short distances
A haze of newness, you said all the right things baby
Be mine forever, you said
It would be so nice if this was here when I returned
I opened my heart to you
Because it was all I knew how to do
But something within me
Fought against it with a knowledge
With a knowledge that it wasn't quite right.

I wonder if you've soaked up the blood just yet
Laid in your bed, new women or men by your side
I've got new ink too baby.

One day
Our faces will meet once more
Will you be so kind?
Rewind
Rewind
Rewind
To the thousands of times
I've convinced myself the men sitting across from me
Were right
Because you all pleaded me to see it.

I gave it to you
I slapped myself into an oblivion
Picked up your drunken Peter Pan behavior
I write about you more and more rarely now
But hear and feel poetry through out all of my days
I don't know what it will take
But I see and I feel and I know
I need a breath of such fresh air
In a number of ways.

Do you hear my voice, see my eyes
Like you once admitted in the winter time
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
****.
I'm just sorry.

I wasn't
You weren't
I know you wanted to be the one
And deep in my soul
I can only hate you so much for that.

Have yet to wash new ink today
I turned my phone off last night
What a freeing thing
It was the nicest thing I've done for myself
In a very very long time.

I'm not sure how to feel half of the time
Toying with straws, trinkets, moments come and gone
Crying on the train ride home
Luggage and baggage my middle name
Like the sword across my back
Everyone sends me messages
Admiring my bravery, strength
There was a millisecond where I believed them.

I'm not sure where this all goes
Or how my life begins or takes off
I want everything and I need nothing
A man child cocooned in blankets yesterday evening
From two hits of ****, he couldn't drive
Baring tattoos and his past divorce
I thought, I thought
In my nice, kind tone
Get the **** out of my house, my space
There is something so deep within me right now
That can no longer be a care giver
A mother, babysitter
I would so much rather surround myself
With palettes, poetic words, and humans of the now
That I am not responsible for.

Not really sure why or how
But clearly I'm meant to carry my luggage alone
Cooking breakfast for a past coworker
She talked my ear off, I listened
So cool, so collected
My God, I've been through so much.

This is the moment, the time
To take a step back
Reflect, take note
I knew my life was so drastically going to change
The first year was bound to be rough
But my God, my God
I felt it in my hair and in my soul
You were nearby, thinking
Of me, on top of you, my voice echoing your name
And how we would FaceTime everyday
My women warriors say you adapted to my wallpaper
You tried to be everything I needed
But you failed in the most theatrical way
We failed,
In the most theatrical way.

Nothing left but blink and markings on a page
I keep tabs on myself
Keeping you away.

Show up on my film set, if you are brave enough
I'll treat you just like another actor.

Disappointment and let downs
Primarily in just trysts of love
Brooklyn Boy asked me if I was seeing anyone
Over our cheap mac & cheese, red wine
Candied and sticky like our lips
When I wrestled him in the dark of
Central Park
His kisses meant nothing to me.

Thats just where I'm at
Thats just where I am
A man said to me last night while he was too high
To leave
I wanted him to leave so much
"I like you. I really like you"

I don't care.

It worries me sometimes that I have grown selfish
That I care too much about me
As blurry faces repeat and echo around me, the voices of men
"My life has to revolve around ME right now!"
"Me Me Me Me Me"
And it makes me think back to the moment
Peter Pan whispered
If you were a man you would hate yourself and be everything you don't stand for.


It didn't make much sense then
It still doesn't now
Gotta acknowledge the manipulation and ignorance
But my God my sweet foolish mother
Don't tell me how pretty another girl is
That he kisses on the cheek in pictures.

I screamed on the floor
But after my release, I rose up
Got it together and moved forward.


Thats whats different about me now.
I scream and I cry
I release myself alone at night
I turn my phone off to be kind
I lay down the law, but make room for everyone
I look in mirrors and have to remind myself
That I'm one of a kind
I don't know what I want
Happy March 2016
The women and I lead the revolution
I just wanna make a difference.

A little, a little at a time.

"I still think of you when I ******* sometimes."
Swirling bumblebee statement,
Am I boring you at all?
Free ****** on the counter top
But we like it so much better to be free
Skin to skin.

Would it be weird?
You just made it weird
Oh **** now its weird
Kiss me like I am the weirdest.

No reply, silent some
Times
There goes another shot, play the part
As you swagger like a hobo
Through the city of lights
Promising through laughter
Half open eyes, lacy thighs
You want one more taste.

But I won't be here for your play
Always.
I'll be engaged, I joke and say
Then you must stay away
But you eat up my weirdness
But we don't have to be deep
I just dropped words
You never heard
Through your hollow hearing
Stand up comedian
Imaginary paparazzi surround
Our glistening desire.

Two weeks of mouthes upon mouthes
Oh well, guess that one wrote me off as young
Don't challenge me at the dinner table

I'm just ******' weird and braver
Than you could ever dream to be.

Is it possible
To become addicted to lost love?

I should drink more water
I should sleep more hours
I should think of you less
I should, I should, I should.

Can't bring myself to eat anything else today
Its like its all ending all over again
I miss the way you would drunkenly text me
I miss the way you would call me late into the night
As we write novels, trying to hurt each other less

I wish you had written me that poem
I wish we had fought harder
I wish our love making wasn't so palpable
But keep this between us, I almost beg
I wish I wish I wish
What does it matter?

2015, my God you dressed me up nice
Releasing yourself on my tattooed tummy
Again and again and again.

I reached out, my hands inching through
Technological screens, thinking, my insides screaming
Make me feel like I matter.
Like I'm worthwhile
As ringlets of life and death
They echo and play out intricate scenes in my head.

I had hoped this would be drastically different
Torturing myself with venom instead
I think you, too
Prefer me when I'm
"Good."

But I can't always be good
My insides are beautifully dark and cavernous
Your lips began to decay as you tried
As we tried, to comprehend
Make us better, we wanted to be better
But like that silly pop song
We're only human.

Or are we?
I don't know
At heart, I'll always be
A mythological, brooding, shining
Mermaid moon beam oceanic
This is the worst feeling of all
The emptiness, no desire for anything
I wish I could wish it all away.

As we contemplate how to remain friends
Or how this first all began
Our bodies still yearning and chirping
To take a piece away.

2015. ******* 2015.
Your time has come
So with a curtsey
My favorite lipsticks combined
And joyful sincerity, I watch you go.

How fitting it all is
I've discovered the new Sia album
Just a few days ago
It makes me wanna
Light everything on fire
And dance, just like
The flame I ******* am.

I reread what I wrote you on your birthday
I've read the one I wrote today and sent you
About 13 times
The words seem to go and flow right through me
Like a masked ghost.

Sunday night
Cinnamon covered apples
You didn't expect me to leave you
Did you, you little pretty thing?

But you aren't pretty
And no one close in my life likes you
For me.

It would have been so much easier
To apologize, to say "you're right. I just wanted to see you."
To grovel, be the weak one
Drugs to heal my throat taking over
I've gotten to know my bedroom so well these past few days
My body and mind forcing me to slow down
I plan and pontificate with other powerful women
I know my man is out there
Somewhere.

But I stop
I stop searching, looking
Trying to transform you into him
I started to wonder these past few days
At my own kindness, goodness
Because I once again felt trapped and confused
By who and what I wanted you to be.

You do anything to not think of me
So glad to go dance, meet new people
Laugh, tear up the floor
I guess in a lot of ways you disgust me.

But you meant to keep me here, around
To twirl me like a little doll
Just when you wanted to
I often spent my days wondering
Feeling less motivated
If they didn't involve you
But I did what I needed to do
I mattered monumentally in this moment
That
Our friends, you will still insist, I know
I pave and create me own way.

Will you come be an adult this weekend?
Who knows.
Baseball cap, those ******* iconic tennis shoes
I wish this would be the instant
Where you wrote a poem in reply
But you won't and you don't
Coward
Cowardly lion
Cowardly little boy
Cowardly little doll.

I'm sorry I guess
I take that back.
No I'm not.
Women spend much too much
Time apologizing, being sorry
Throwing myself out of a moving cab
I loved how concerned you were
But I wanted to run.


I'll always run
I'll always jump
But this time
I don't call you back
Or find you in the street
Put on a happy face
Just for you and me
Nope.
I watch the romantic love
You still worship
Burn into roasting ashes
With freedom, delight
And a mightiness
I've always wanted to embrace.

Come hither looks
Did you mistake my intentions
Airport coffee tastes like ****
***** martini fumigating my mouth
Don’t tell me what I can’t do.

Sobbed on the phone, how do we sell art
Standing, my sword stabbed into the hill
I ran up, by myself
Dollar bills flicked into my face
I have to keep the integrity
Sharks swimming and my mouth opening
I have venomous fangs
That whistle and stain.

How unfortunate you missed out
How unfortunate everyone deems you a fool
But I walk away from 44 unread pages
A secret note at the end, I would like to crumple in my hand


Run to the gate, don’t miss the flight
Into the night sky
He put that ring on her finger, I laugh and laugh
Everyone wishes ill, but me
Because the sunshine of spring shines upon me
Because I am brave enough to move on
Chicago and new beginnings
Licking my name.

Dance in front, scales never looked so good
****** warrior, bodies move
A free bird never shot down
Thrown onto the shore of the sea
My tail morphs into legs
That swiftly leap.