Things are different now
I think as I remember that black faux leather dress
The one that got away with the woman
I did not know until I set foot in her house
I as per usual,
Pull back branches glancing
At what it looked like then and that
I become so heated
Sipping a ****** mary
Discussing the negative friendship
Of a friend
And its so strange
The way the words come from my lips
Much like a break up
Eve said to me
I don't think it will ever be fruitful
To pick up a pen
Try to create again
With a wooden stool
It was  much, much
Like a break up.

At times
I'll think angry poetry in my head
Or just poetry at all times
I wish I could jot it all away
But I let the phrases echo and stream right through
I really need to start writing again
More and more often.

Space back to myself
Lets wear white tomorrow
I leave town in two days time
I can't wait
For trees
For sunshine
For the quiet sweet murmur
My voice will take on
As I coach myself on along.

Everything is different now
A tender bear of a man
Welcomes me with open arms
Girlfriends here my age or younger  ask questions
But I know they cannot fully appreciate
Comprehend
That love
It can be long lasting.

I don't need
To make proclamations
Because I just know.

I admitted
To Eve
The Eve that stole the apple from the tree
After the serpent whispered
Go on along girl
And say in short circuited voices over the phone
The world really hates women
Its not as strong here, that bond
But last night I felt the most untampered elation
That I think I've ever felt.

I'm often disappointed
With the immense self involvement around me
And I've seen how its adapted, altered design
But I think of the ***** snow
And we would hustle and grow
Because we just had to
I just had to.

A switching of trees
As if jumping from a coop
To the nest
I wonder if my own paranoia
Creates memorabilia
Of the presence, the past
Sometimes I wish I encountered less
As to soften the disappointment
For my hatchet covered in guided flowering friendships
But then a chrysalis intertwining it, let it go sweet girl
I remember I went on a date with a beautiful man
Before I left Philly town
And he asked me if I thought I was a spoiled millennial
Sometimes people are just selfish ******* *****.

It is difficult for me to relate emotionally
To those lacking empathy
And the desire to listen.

A sense of belonging
A sense of rising into place
Laughter, giddiness, discussion of love for work
It surrounded me
So yes, it hurt
When a group of girlfriends complained
About their intense hatred for commercials
When I seek to stone by stone
Perhaps
Change the nation
But I want to live so fruitfully
Quiet glamour and honesty
Live a passionate love filled life
Covered in not what's right
But what is good
Good for the soul, humanity
And it will make me think of the bar entitled Green Eyes
And the dates I went on
Or how I got too skinny
Because I was so sad
Where I walked away having gotten the energy
I am sure I was exhibiting
And I feel and take hits very intensely
I was
In my red coat
And I'll be in it once again

But everything has changed.
I would gaze up at the moon
I'll gaze up again
Brave. Thats a word I often hear

Its time for bed.

Fruit stained fingertips
You got caught inside me
But with dainty hands, flesh in the mirror
Gotta release it.

A calico cat needs a home
As I pick up and lick every stone
A vampire lair we joke
Feeling tufts of hair, from the men before.

The sun opens its pores through my windows
Packing, organizing, barely affording to clean
I don't really wanna clean
Until I leave.

Asserting authority but with a ripe smile on my face
This boy wants to go to dinner
As 17 years and drops of innocence
Disappear from me
But I consume vats of hummus at 2am
Glad to be alone.

Everybody's got someone
That felt like an audition, I wonder if I booked it?
Mixing business with pleasure
Maybe it could feel better
Before I zoom away on a jet plane.

Greet the spring air
Containing ties and spanks
But I've got this romper and dress
I will wear
As I escape from Philly for the last time
Blue eyed lady, our eyes swell
With forbidden love
Playing pretend never felt so good.

Dance like no one is watching
Trusting love to come ask to cut in
But I pass my debit card to the nearest man
"Put that away"
He said, as my fingers furiously pour
Out--what is going on within me.

I tried to end things on a positive note
You wanna see and toss me
As I say "Its not like I'm sittin' over here doin' nothing"
Get out the door, go begin the day
As I pray, let me--let myself--be happy.

Adrift in the epitome of paradise
Me and my
Man who has lived and experienced
So much life
And given so much
Energy and time
Into the years that keep swirling by.

Curtains cling to the panes of the window
I worry my face ages everyday
Trying to reaffirm, coach through
My moment to moment
We wanted to greet the sun early this morning
My eyes woke me up
Like the sun of the gun
I cut all my hair off
And yet at moments I still feel
Like I'll never be enough.

Pushing positivity and growth
Through the roof of the celeb traitors
That plot to clean their taxes
Ooze their money drip drop
Only at high capacity
That fills their blood
With iron
And a very high end ***.

Red ***
Red ***
I imagine the grittiest scenarios
The thump of a buttercup
Everything covered in me
My blood.

But I wake up breathing
Everyday
Fighting to be happy
To bring in copious amounts of light
And most days I do
If only for fleeting singular moments
Or like the wave of a storm
That I proudly and with gusto
Never drift from.

In the eye of the needle
The eye of the blast
Of air that circles and floods in deep
We make up, eat healthy food
Drank down bowls of kava
But it didn't sit quite right with me
A bitter and lingering taste
Loving me, protecting me
Into what I hope
Lasts as a forever together
Night.

Toothpaste on my tired,
Tiered--you would incorrectly spell--
Weary face
I think to myself, laughing
You move and breathe
Like a little dancing monkey
Pulling my pigtails, legs back
Don't be timid baby.

Tears early morning, so soon
Cuddling alone, I've known it so well
I place mirrors on the tips of my fingers
Paint portraits of the moon in me
If it meant we could be a we
A we with you.

I love you
You say your voice strong, fearful
As a pout takes over my lips
There just never seems to be enough time
For me and you.

I would wake up at 6AM
If it meant, I could be a we with you
But you are right,
I dance my own dance
I always have
But there is room next to me
For only you.

Towering in steel toe combat boots
Or the **** heels I bought just for you
I wanna cut and slice my hair
But the boys all got something to say
The nerve, the nerve my feminine drunken voice
Wails but you gotta know the answer
You wanna know all my secret thoughts
Behind my knowing and calculating eyes
Maybe then, maybe then you could
Pinpoint me with simple answers
But I'll never be a riddle to figure out.

Catharsis, an entity I breathe and long for
This male filmmaker can't seem to remember
To follow through with his word
While every woman in the room
Turns to see my response, waiting for me to stand up
But sometimes,
I don't want to stand up
I have stood up alone, sat next to empty chairs
For a very long time now.
A sadness at acknowledging the emptiness in front of me
Next to me
But you

You.
With your quick steps and repetitive fluid movements
You challenge me and keep me addressed
Your meaningful and talk of eternal worlds
We watch ourselves through a plethora of others eyes
But you are right,
At the end of the day
Its just you and me.

I don't really know what else to say
A hiatus and whirlwind of adjusting
I was bound to get thrown in the dust
Of the Windy City
But as I do,
Limb by limb, I heave and pick myself back up


Your hand outreached to me.

Come hither looks
Did you mistake my intentions
Airport coffee tastes like ****
***** martini fumigating my mouth
Don’t tell me what I can’t do.

Sobbed on the phone, how do we sell art
Standing, my sword stabbed into the hill
I ran up, by myself
Dollar bills flicked into my face
I have to keep the integrity
Sharks swimming and my mouth opening
I have venomous fangs
That whistle and stain.

How unfortunate you missed out
How unfortunate everyone deems you a fool
But I walk away from 44 unread pages
A secret note at the end, I would like to crumple in my hand


Run to the gate, don’t miss the flight
Into the night sky
He put that ring on her finger, I laugh and laugh
Everyone wishes ill, but me
Because the sunshine of spring shines upon me
Because I am brave enough to move on
Chicago and new beginnings
Licking my name.

Dance in front, scales never looked so good
****** warrior, bodies move
A free bird never shot down
Thrown onto the shore of the sea
My tail morphs into legs
That swiftly leap.

Everything feels heavier today
Like my back is the axis
Cut or sliced in half by the equator
Of who knows what's when or to begin
Watch for cars don't get hit
I don't give a **** about wearing a lick of make up

Orange lips will do
I pour a little cayenne, some tumeric
Cuz I'm a modern day witch
A shell in which to formally burn safe
I hate it when mama judges me
My ******* soaked and stained
In red wine
I call it out my voice echoing I judge myself and say
***** you aren't that intelligent
No one can really get it
The men don't really get it

I'm sick of the summer
Ready for newness
A photo appeared on my time hop
Of you and me
I felt nothing.

We shave our hair off you
You can't ever fathom the **** that oozes
From what you claim to like
I've been thinking lately

What if I just went all natural
Nature
Natur-al
I got myself high I thought it might ease the cramps
Of the blood that doesn't flow out of me
Cuz I always wanna be so fuckable
Someday I look in the mirror and think
Yes girl
And others I think
You are the worst

And my mind, at times
We will fly so gently and with charm
And on this week my mother referred to as Aunt Rosie
Everything's covered in red dusty rust.

Funny to think I use to look at my home blue line stop
Like I was searching
Now I just get on and off

I cried so heartily the hardest I've cried in a moons time
My love said he could make me out among the darkness
For I know I had become a part of the weeds
But I found my way out with crisp demeanor
And the cement and I now howl
Woman's hood.
Womanhood.

My favorite thing to do
Is to make you laugh with a giddy candor
On the crowded red line train
So early, so early
In the morning
Golden new sun
Light.

And then I'm hustling past
The other hustlers of the town
Got that manic Monday on thick
Like the sunscreen I applied
In the midst of my first summer
In the Chitown sun
But there was nothin'
Sweet nothin'
To protect me from
The first come
First soft serve.

Antics fill our coffee mugs
I've been so busy my love
I know you got that rock steady
Been humming the tune
That melody of constantly got company
I wondered yesterday
Around noon
If I'd lost touch
With my sweet lagoon of
Embracing solitude.

Waiting for the blue line
Let's have a grand two days
I'm luck I'm such a lucky *****
The whistle blows
As the rest of the world
Ponders
I ponder
How do we
Counter with nothing
But light?

And it's all like
Jittery green lightning bugs
We shiver in our cloaks
Out by the gray blue
Starless sky
Heaving and breathing
Slap my last name on a directors chair
I belong there.

Fingernails claw and reach
Forget fame and fortune
That's not what's at stake for us
Drift and float in the longing
Barricade of where we begin
And collapse
And begin again
25 years young, mama I ain't no hen
Got my own path, my own way
Camera in my hypothetical bag

Pass and look by red and yellow
Yellow trapezoids
Fill the void with x y & z
Move forward repeatedly
Hips, they all said got em
Womanly womb
Could I croon
I heard tonight that woman gotta
Be in line with a crone
I thought of majestic wings
And how often times we are scared to sing

Remember how we wandered down the alleyways of china town
A camera and bold lipstick
That was and will always be
What makes my heart beat.

When I wrote poems
Just to write.

A buzzing conundrum
Hiding among the pane of glass
Large and striped
Sending shivers down my spine
Someone please come exterminate them.

It's very cold in Chicago now
The bugs and the snow
In mid November remind me why I gotta go.

I make more coffee
And use two different cups
It's time to get dressed but I don't want to get stung.

You go back and forth between us
Like we too, hide and buzz
Among the pane of your windowsill
I wait patiently in my pain to be exterminated
Or stung.

Shaking off the feeling
Of the image the tarot card reader read for me
A man stabbed with ten swords
That's the place I've been living in
With all of this
And I'm not yet sure
How to not wait
How to not hurt
How to not expect stings.

You are gone now
So is my other lover
Home, abroad for the holiday
I'm glad.
It's almost like I've got Chicago to myself again.

It's been harder for me to want to pick up the pace
To run around with gumption each day
Someone I guess you could call an old friend
Messaged me after the event last night
And told me to keep being me.

Everything can change in an instant
I close my eyes, trying to let go and shake it
Out and up
I stay because I choose to.

Fighting off that aching feeling
Of what felt like healing kisses and words
You have such a hard time holding my gaze
When I fill the cup up with words
Your physical sensuality and your ***** talk
Does all the work.

I haven't been as into it lately--you're right.
Existing and breathing and fighting
To want to mean so much
You've got plans right after me
To see her.

Maybe I can sense it, feel it
The idea of this other girl in the room
I tease that it's me watching
How I'd get involved
We'd dismiss her at the end
Laying in bed together we finish the words
Of one another's fantasizes
Like it's some kind of exercise
I check the love I feel for you
I check it hard and at the door
I just don't know

That there is room for it here
Among the wasps.

Tonight I set a piece of my hair
On fire
I guess I thought I was above
Being licked by a flame
But as the old and the new
Jested, tumbled, and leap frogged
Over my name
I shake my head thinking back
With sour disdain.

7 dollar beer and we all cheers
I hit the table with the bottom
Of my drink or shot now
Because Chicago ain't nothing
Like the ***** south
Or filthy philadelphia.

I've had my hands above my head
Looking for a sun king
24 years of kissing toad after toad
After toad
Multi colored mane
A flame licked the hair in my face
It's so painful to hear no.

Wet dramatic eyes
Betrayers gotta throw some daggers out, can't stand to see me be so happy
On my own.

I wonder how you really get by
Telling and feeding yourself lies
As your phrase "2017" threatens
To stifle, *****, strangle
What once was.

But what once was has been defeated
A suit of armor on my front and back
I jingle and jangle with every heavy step, lest I forget
How many men have slept
And I chose to forgive and forget
But I go my own way now.

sleep longs to take me into it's arms
As I hear and see the joyful sun
With rays of the same fire
That made me question my beauty
As pixilated stemming hairs
Brimmed and mocked
But he gave me Boy Scout socks
To wear in the summer, fall, winter?
But they don't threaten to leave, deceive, or make me feel
Less than the beaming bird I am.

"It sounds like you've kept busy"
"I love how deep and complex you are"
"You are so dramatic"
"You are a beautiful, amazing swan"

Always ooze moon light
And those who are meant to, will carry a bucket to capture some of your radiance
So that it can be treasured and remembered,
Siempre.

There's a man sitting on the bus
I sat parallel to him
I think his legs might be rotting off.

I've got red wine in my bag
Smelling like I've got ****
But take pause
Everything can change in a heart beat.

I think we might have fallen in art love
Today at a production house
We drank a whole bottle
Of the nicest red wine
I've put in my mouth in a long time
And I think I truly was the best version
Of myself I've been
In quite some time.

Let's go escape
One more day till vaycay
Every moment, every pivotal breath
Has brought me right here
Next to a woman whose pink bag says
Sophia
And the man who sits looking content
Though his legs speak otherwise.

I've been listening to this one song
On repeat
Because it sounds just like fantastical bliss
I've got gumption
A refrain of strong voices
Cheers and toast
What I've come here to do
I've got serious *****
They all coo
But sometimes
I leave my food behind
Because I got too emotional
In the grocery store
And that's what I do
I run away.

But I own it
Catch it in my butterfly net
Let's just go run to The Dojo
Get some solid affection and freedom
In before glittery forests and forlorn hopeful kisses.

The thing is
Is that each moment or word
Responsibility
Exchanged in the universe
I strap it onto my back
While fighting its weight
From overtaking me.

With whimsical, peaceful candor
I floated out of my uber tonight
Bid my driver farewell
I know my face radiates joy, openness, kindness
In a way it has not
In a very, very long time.

Pulled in several directions
My strong feet leap into the air
I imagine and no longer see
Your body dancing next to mine
But its just like I dance in front of the windows
Of my first Chicago apartment, hit record
So free, vivid
The newness bit my lips
I give myself fully over to it again.

High on the beach, I remember just how it all felt
The resentment that welled from my eyes
The first time we had *** again
I walk down the stairs of The Dojo, alone, free
Standing watching the most beautiful black woman
Croon and sing, her keyboard keys speaking
Through an avalanche like mouth
Everything I have encountered, felt, experienced
I ran and I ran and I ran
I've stopped running.

I gazed at myself in the mirror tonight
After washing all of the paint from my face
Combing out long corn husk locks
And I thought in the most vulnerable hymn
"I really am beautiful."

Its not the clothes, or the wild lipstick
Its the act of giving goodness away.

Today it hit me like the painting I ran into
In the small hallway
I am 25 years old. I am getting older.
What do I have to show for it?
What do I have to show for it?
Yet I hear my voice repeat "young"
"Young"
Just shut the **** up babes.
Just shut up.

Anything, anything
Really, truly
Is possible.

I met with a woman today, she asked to catch up, talk film
We discussed, love, relationships, places we have been
Things we have seen
I had moments of voicing my doubt
As faces and strong hands of the newness
I now fully embrace
Reach for me and encourage me

To see myself in the mirror
Corn husk hair
Make up less
Beat up tshirt
Ugly pajama bottoms
No man in my bed
I am beautiful
We are beautiful
Give goodness like a goddess.

I've got the skin of a sweet potato in my bed
Suckling sweet summer tired eyes
I caught a lightning bug in my hand
I wanted to capture its glory with my camera lens
I opened the palm of my hand
Thought it was gone, gone
But it hid in the crevices of my fingers
Its light calmly turned off
Only to fly away
I ran and began to sweat into the Chicago night sky.

I talk to myself when I think I'm alone
Reflecting back on the lady I was this time
Last year, cherishing my off days
"Just as I like to think of you"
So sweet, so true
But simply not for me.

Mama told me
She said she was so moved
Making eyes cry
I tear up at the most random times
'Cuz I just can't believe it all.

I keep my hands to myself
Lets frolic in the forest
I wanna come back a new woman
Its just time.

Remember how
It was all laced up in
Lemon colored sunshine
Sweet like the dirt
I fell right into
As if I should have known
Like I should have listened
And with eager long limbed blonde limbs
I swept myself into my own dust.

I'm on set now
My face feels crusty
For every negative moment
Something full of a boundless energy seizes me by
My invisible lapels
And says lady, love
Sweet lady love.

I don't know how to make it
All feel good all the time
But I'm good at what I do
And every bit
I take a step back a bit
And say
Lets not fly off the handle

But my god I feel so much all the time.

Smelling just you, smelling just like me
Unity, combined
Sweat, love, tears
Pointed and secreted into released endorphins
2 times, 4 times, 7, you said with a smile
I don't turn on any lamp today in my room
The sun giving me plenty and shining in my face.

Crocodile, maybe actually alligator
Sweatshirt, looking just like a 14 year old
Playful blonde haired boy
Your long board still in my room
I explain by not explaining
I cannot torture or stress over our complexities
But just like a little movie
I sat in the dark of your bedroom
Only a white crop top, black lace stockings
White see through *******
On my knees, I wound the swan music box
I watched it twirl and hum a slight lament
The dark coldness of The Lost Boys basement
And wondered why it is what it is.

So much love, so much connection
You wrap your arms around me just like
Just like
Falling asleep in your white tennis shoes
I'm there for you, I'm so there for you
Tears welling up in the line of the night club
"Baby its okay. Don't go"
You said, your little boy face
Blotchy from redness
My fringed skirt getting so much attention
So much attention
But you grab me and twirl me away from danger.

Is that maybe what it is?
Are we meant to be that
Rolling around in our own dust
Philadelphia baseball cap
We then twirled and watched the swan music box
Together, our own secrets, images
Floating and dancing
Together but so separate.

I fell asleep last night so deeply
Thinking and repeating, I don't mind
I don't mind, I don't mind
I know no one will ever mean what I mean
Despite kisses, dates, or ***
Romance has drained you
You can't be what you were for me
Any time soon.

No one gets it.
No one understands the attraction, affection
I'm the most real with myself
In complete solitude.

"We never know when we will see each other next."
I worked it out through foreshadowing tears
Knowing it would take 5 years for you to get there
As we play, jump, and skip through bed sheets
Be my sweet sweet sweet
Friend.

In time.
Our palms match and mismatch
You touch me like I was never gone
I stand next to you like you never wounded me
With our Ninja Turtle marks
And my never ending sighs
We will
I will
Figure it out in time.

But its like
Are we waiting, hurting
You buy tickets for July
Lets not feel pain
Lets not wound with licks and deceit
Spring has sprung I want to think
I redefine and try to control my life
But I let it go into the sun, the wind
I don't have the answers
I never seem to.
My nose expecting and surprised
But its not really for me
But its 6am
And you beg me to lie next to you.

I love you.
My God, I love you so ******* much
Through all the strife, fantasies, lies
I love you.
I would do anything for you.
And I could or would write the word "but" right now
No need. No need.
I live and I live, without expectation


Giving myself over to me.

Can't stop picking at my neck
Fireball eyes, you pecked my cheek
Like it was the last time of all the times
I look at you and I think
Why do I care?

Sun is shining bright
Sometimes I think you would be relieved
If I disappeared
With my palette of paints,
Sass, and white inner thighs.

Wednesday. We drown our thoughts of each other
But thank God, it didn't go further I think
I wish I could describe, write it all out
Paint with my fingertips just how I wish
I could
Be better about letting go.

Blue and gray text messages
Poetics phrases
How can I help you?
How can we make this work?
You push and you shove
Staring into your phone
It would be easier if I just backed off
But you are too scared to say.

Coffee upon coffee
Delayed answers, avoiding the truth
Red dress, I'll be gone for 3 weeks
Releasing new art and freedom
Into the bright sky
I say I'm sorry
I say sit next to me
I say give me a call
I am here cleaning and sprucing up
The destruction on my own.


I forgot to finish this poem.
But I came back to it now probably about
5 maybe 6 hours later
Honesty can be such a beautiful thing.
All will be well.

I guess I was just so disappointed to see you go
Making me sad on Saturday nights seems to be a trend
But I know you are just a man
With an array of your own feelings,
Your own heartbreak.

I bet you are covered in sweat,
Doing your thing
Moving so fast, so quick
Forgetting my face
My name
Anything.

"Consider this over."
"Fine"
You said in reply
Contemplating your response, to give up
Or to persuade me otherwise
But you can't and won't ever do that
Too proud
To be such a little thing.

The past few days we felt pretty good,
Strong, on our way to figuring out whatever this was
I sat at this very same desk
Trying to reassure you on the phone
You were too busy for me
You were too busy for me
You were sorry to be too busy
You are seeing other people "sorta"
You said
You signed us up to continue purgatory

But I abandoned steering my sinking ship.

I jumped, leapt off the ship
I could feel myself heavy with the weight of it all
My first mate, you
You tried what you could
An anchor here, an anchor there
You even poured us glasses of mulled wine
To make the water flooding in feel
More sensual
But it wasn't enough.

At last, after days, weeks, months
Of feeling the water surround me
My toes, my ankles, my calf muscles
Once it hit the tip of my heart
I knew it was too late
As you perhaps wined and dined another
Your phone was on silent
Or turned off
You said this morning
But don't judge your life or your choices
Sending me a long explanation
I read it, skimmed through it
You tried to tag it with some goodness
Perhaps as you threw the last drop of mulled wine my way
The dark clouds and storm surrounding my face
I took one big breath

And I dove off the ship
I flew into the water
Cold splashing echoing and singing
Sharks and fish swimming among me
I started to drown
As you looked down at me from up above, as you continued to sink
You and your date.

At first I thought, this is it
This is the end of me and all my dreams
The things we talked about, wanted together
They are all permanently gone now
I will never see the moon, the sun again
But something within me changed
A fighting resilience, a need to move past this
Painful moment
So I filled my lungs with what air I could
And limb by limb I swam and I struggled
And swam and struggled
And my blonde tendrils and green eyes
Pearly whites, opened and beamed from underneath
The chaotic sea.

As I rose up, I saw the ship was gone
Except for the tiniest glimmer of a flag
It was white and shined into the moonlight
As if to surrender
And you were gone.

I swam back to the shore, it took me
Buzzing hours, ticking clocks, repeating minutes
As I saw your plaid shirt in the museum
Your white tennis shoes at the foot of my bed
You leaning me down onto comforting blankets
Penetrating me with all you've got as you said:
"You like that baby?"
All of it, all of it, all of the images flooding and circulating
Hitting and smacking my mind like all of the hundred times
You disappointed me.

But as I washed ashore
My hair enveloped in long mermaid braids
My lips freshly pink from sea salt
My long legs shiny from octopus ink
My ******* perky from sharks nibbling
And lastly my nearly flooded heart beating
And pulsing from escaping
The story of our love, I tried to recreate.

I rewrote it, hand held a camera to it
I inked it into your skin
Like all the times we could remember when
You kissed me like there never was
Never could be
Never will be
Anyone else, quite like me.

Cinematic, absurd, dramatic, sweet as ****
Amazing. Your favorite word to describe me
I think my heart hurt most of all today
Imagining what you must be feeling
The idea of hurting and wounding you
Crying and sobbing about what I wrote
Nestled in my cocoon
I wash my sheets tonight
Because it is truly, finally time
To ******* start over.

I meant what I wrote in your birthday poem
Every word
Every lick of love, doubt, skepticism
I guess I hoped that would be enough
That after "the emotional journey" we have been on, as you
Yourself put it
That your turn around time, to searching for someone new
Would be more relaxed
But it wasn't.
And thats what hurt me the most
Thats what made me leap off that boat
And shined a light on where your priorities really are.

So yes.
Fine
No period
You are trying to do you
As you type and text my full name
Just yesterday a pet name
You sent me an article about cuddling
I thought we were headed in a good place
But this purgatory hell
Of not knowing, of not fully giving
Of looking around and you feeling like you aren't enough
I've said it time and time again

9 months today.
How much longer will I torture myself
As I print, staple, and sign
The final page of our book
I'm sure some other poetic words will spill out
But I send it out, metaphorically for now
And watch how it develops on a new path
As I laugh, smile
Accept and linger in gratitude
From all I learned from you.

Fake plastic beads endow my wrist
Mascara-less lashes, lamp crown on my head
One of the tallest girls in the room.

I've got so much going for me
I've got the world at my finger tips
But my heart aches and whispers your name
Still today.

I thought, lets all be real cool
Like, drink that whiskey up
Fill up our tombs
You can't respond back to that text message picture
I thought we might bond over how I look
But you chose not to reply.

Technology is an angel and a demon
Appearing like vignettes on my shoulders
Too proud to seek out
But falling asleep in false lashes on my bed
Reminds me of all the times I waited in lingerie
And the Betrayer chose NYC, instead.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."
The Betrayer said, his grin must have been filled
With diamonds and mice
Building mines within those rigged white teeth
Blue eyes so dangerous, I drown myself any time
I ask for him to lick my blood
But I'll be in New York City so soon
Perhaps we will have those intense
Fleeting moments
Of laughing in the streets, holding each other
Laughing like Goose & Duck
So very in love
Tie me up and cut me up just like you use to
But its me that does the leaving in the end
But you predicted we had this 3 more times
In our future
Maybe I need to spice up the pain I've felt in Chicago.

*******.
I'd never been told such a thing till
Peter Pan with his ringlets of flowers
And lemon orange filled lies covered in dust
Pointed it out, just like all of the thousands of times
He made me feel insignificant.

Its amazing how another human being can have the power
To do such a thing
I drink coffee in bed this morning
My face becomes my business card
Going on dates with interesting
But the wrong men
For now, I look down at my invisible clock
In order to represent the urgency of time
But the mundane invisible quality to it all
My God, I miss Philadelphia.

What an easier time that all was
As I bebopped around the corners of the city
There were only so many places to go,
Only so many people to see
My little apartment now belongs to another element
Of the harmful and heartbreaking past
Will I ever fully recover?

A gluten for punishment
I get so caught up in the pain, the heartbreak
Imaginative, paranoid, sensitive
Its what makes me a true artist
Many exclaim
But I take apart the pieces
The confetti filled feelings
Examine them, order a slice of pie to go
And I know I've gotta dance in the forest like fire
Even if we didn't get to that take.

I want so much more
Than you could
Than any of you could ever
Ever did
Give me.
But just like that I remember the big sweaters
My hair black, that Halloween show
I feel like I have spent my life sad about some man.

But I have these moments
Where I think, surely he is going through the same
If not much worse
And I do think thats true
As Peter Pan scrapes and grapples past the memories of me
Moments of wanting to be good he shows
But he will always choose
He always did
The option that makes me feel the most alone.

So I let him.
As other women around me are less strong
Less brave with their supposed convictions
I don't judge, but I recognize
The cave of lost love is a maze
At some points in life you might be brave enough
To leap in and leap out
But Peter Pan,
You have found yourself a spot
Gutted it, stuffed it with Winnie The Poo & Ninja Turtle
Colored it with silly string and batches of *****
And its me now that has to walk out
Without looking back
At the world I can shake hands with
But not dwell.

I guess all I can really say
Is I wish I had known better
I wish I hadn't fallen so hard
Invested so much
Given my ****** beaten to hell heart
Away, so willingly.

But I have wings on my back
And I hope it breaks your heart
To see me forever imprinted on your ankle
I guess I'm sorry I couldn't be a perfect
Piece of lemon happiness
I'm sorry your mother made assumptions
Before even really knowing me
I'm sorry you are so young and foolish
But above all
I'm sorry you set me free.

But thank you, thank you
For the freedom
I know I'll be so glad in the end
Because the sun still shines
My hair grows longer
Opportunity wields and sings my name
So I fly out of my cage
Away from weakness
Our poetry just wasn't enough
You are right,

You weren't enough.
But I am.

I'm not sure where
It shifted or changed
And as much as I love
Movie making
It feels like a job right now.

I could be writing my next piece
At this very moment
But then a flash of all the work it will take
And how I need to be sitting at my make shift desk
Working, drinking coffee
To make it right
Passes through my head
And I don't do it.

I'm so worn out.

Can't complain
Its all good
Gucci,
We would all chime
I don't stop saying certain words
I hit the table with every shot, drink
Because I picked it up from you
And I steal little things from folks
Along the way through life.

Scratch my head, impatient
Doin' time, suckin' it up
Bite the bullet
I ain't nothing compared to you or you
I don't have it as hard
I'm lucky
I'm so lucky
I think in those most robotic way
Just drained.

But I had this moment.
Yesterday
Where I sat on the couch with my editor
Shook hands with my colorist
And watched this entity
Brought together so many hearts
These images I had formulated in my head
Live, action in front of me
And I thought and I felt so deeply in my soul
Part of the audience the next moment
A shout out for upcoming projects
I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

I spend many moments
Thinking about how I feel
That no one likes me
Or wants to like me.

I guess I'm just a big hack.

Little old puppy dog
Had a seizure this morning, Mama
Wants to go see Cinderella
But I know I would rather be high
Cuz' I'm gonna criticize
Same ole story, same ole tune
Another white woman, turned away from the ball.

I'm not interested in whats easy or available
I'm not captivated by stories that have been told
I wanna yawn all day long when my feet don't carry me
Lets examine self worth and our reactions
To the door slamming shut
A thousand and one times.

Cucumber slices with avocado juices
Little brother writes a 7 page paper
I can give you advice on how to fundraise
Hold events, tweet
But I ******* hate twitter.

Young in party dresses
Searching for the golden easter egg
Anna & I, I remember when I opened the closet
Of the Southern mansion
I believed so furiously in everything:
Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny
As the door creaked and groaned open
Mighty white doors echoing and laughing

A pink bunny suit, no skin or face
To fit the mold, shaking and hugging children
It looked so very lonely, in that little closet.
I think we squealed? Maybe screamed?
Actually, we might have just been silent.
A mystery we wanted to determine
Little white mary janes
Just wanting to find the golden egg
And we did, as we did, every year.

Brushing heavy fur and twisting my braids
Sleep never felt harder to step out of
Expiration dates and changing city locations
I hope you wear your tie and remember my eyes
The way he--described, I remember today
Staring at the words painted on the wall
I had forgotten till just then
But style admired, hopes for a brighter tomorrow
My bones flourish.

Detoxing and processing
Vividly weird dreams, can't remember them
Childhood love a bottle of wine in the grass
I just wanna play.

I just wanna twirl in my party dress
White mary janes
Know that the Easter Bunny is fake
Maybe, I'm the golden egg.

Remember when you use to watch
Just the way I would marinate
Cook chicken, my special way
Standing behind me, your paws
Really--I guess, claws
Blue like the bluest pools I swam into
Peeling my hair about
Sea creature, let me be.

Once I hit my face on the side of the pool
Papa bet me $5 I could swim without coming up for air
To the other side, green pus bruises
Lasted for weeks
As scabs retreated, reminding me
Of learning things the hard way.

I cooked chicken tonight
Fresh, feta cheese
Crack the pepper all of me
But I don't use salt

Sodium?
Avoid sodium.

1:47am a text of your longing
Lusting, power
Remember how my home was your home?

Not me.
I do, but its like a faint dream
Pounding blood in my chest
No longer aching for
Swindling disappointment, nah uh
Not for me, I cook chicken solo.

Early morning, up with a start
New date to leave, move in
Start anew, while faces around me
Kisses, I see lipsticked kisses
Covering me,
Bursting out of the cage.

Make some money quick, quick
As I hear a clicking and buzzing sound
Sell everything, its got to go
4 bags and a tiny blonde moon beam.

Momentum, positive love
Soaking up and like tree branches
Details of nature's artistic growth

Bursting through me
Like September 28, 1990.

Did it make you feel good
To have your body brightly inked
Where you once held my hand
It looks like you tried to maintain and find
Moments of inner zen
Remember how impressed you were with me
And my calm strength?

I don't know why you seem to enjoy
Bathing in my dust so much.

I thought for a split second today
Perhaps I was ready to unblock you
Judging by your eagerness to enter and take from my room
Lay on the same table I laid
Spend time in my neighborhood
And as I stared at your name and considered clicking the button
I realized I'm still not ready
I'll never trust you.

I strolled gingerly
In little pale blue socks
Around your apartment, your home
As I shifted and touched your things
I discovered a steadfast, resilient as ever
Growing and glowing by the window
Aloe vera plant
And for the first time I take a look around
See the greenery you foster.

You cuddled me in your soft sweet arms
We fell asleep for moments
You butter me with sugary pink bunny rabbits
While giving me the leverage of a leather razor blade
We speak and sing the strongest tunes
As if we were both born within trees.

Cut some lime, I brought an avocado along
I have to blink my eyes to think
He chose me.

I love to tell the story of how we met
Already, baby
We are so fresh, so communicative
Heartily artistic and smart.
I glided along in cute little stores
In a dress from the 1940s
My back revealing meaningful ink
And with the flick of my light wrist
Summoned the right clothes for you.

It felt lovely and fulfilling
You looked so brilliant in it all
And I allow myself to bring what I've got to the table.

In moments where I tread and tap into fear
I think of last year
The dark rings of faded color throughout my eyes
The veil has lifted
I've never looked around with so much coming awareness.

"What kind of **** do you like?"
I asked before you left the house
I'm full of surprising nuances and willful fight
Your arm around me
You don't feel little or small
Cute or dandy
You kiss me strong and everlasting
Like I'm a gift from god
I kiss you back with surrender
And say,
Now this

This one.
This one all makes sense.

I should fold my piles of laundry
Lately. These days
I find myself thinking and pondering
Fighting with my inner demons.

Beautiful Innovator wants to speak poetry into my ear
Take a night to rejuvenate
Living off of the high of last night
We spun in circles after everyone cleared the room
Threw our own party
My life is beautiful.

Perhaps, I'm in this
Undisclosed
Competition with
Myself.

And thats the doll parts we pick apart.

Sometimes I worry I haven't done enough
That I'm not special enough
Our icons dying all around us
We lift them up, hold their glittering souls
But yet I tell myself
Don't look quite pretty or am educated
Enough
I lack the technical skills, the jargon
Paranoia creeps in
I don't have this
I don't have that
But really.
I've got so much room to slap everything with color.
It shows like an emblem stamped to my forehead
I lock the doors to the house
We can't wait to move out come August
Go 'head be sarcastic *****
Cuz
I keep it clean, motivated, sincere.

I remember laying on blankets in the park
Soaking up the Philadelphia sunlight
Or running through the grass of Alabama
People ask who I am, what I am
Lets not get caught up. Lets not get caught up.
I protect my head and heart
But I would prefer to leave them at the alter.

Can hardly pay attention to this election
Its all become a game filled with gifs and snap chat
Notoriety
My new man's ex lover expressed such interest in me
Midnight and Sunshine laugh for long lengths of time
High five
We figure out our own way to dance.
A collaborator of mine can't collaborate no more
She's going through dark times she said
And I got hint of that before she said so
Cuz her lover posted about it on Facebook.

We reveal our lives
We reveal our souls
I'm still sick
And hung over.

Throwing some shade on a late night train
Though I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it
Fairy queen princess is right
Theres this part of me that just longs
For you all to be here.

Lets not get carried away
I don't dial you
On my cell phone.
Who anymore even is
You?

Maybe I am just another white girl
With a BFA degree.

But I got some worth while **** to say
I allow myself to believe
And my heart is exposed, so open
My mind and my breath can't help but express
I miss who I was in high school
But really she's still so within me
She always was.

We fight
We dance
We line the lights
We glitter like gold
Self care. Give self care. Love.
I stop looking I stop fighting
Enjoying the ride

I can't fully share the goodness with anyone it seems like
But I don't need to
Take note, let it fill you up

Move on.

Yellow archways
Look and resemble
A woman's chest
We pick out fantastical
Strongly grooming
Your young nieces
I can do that.

It's always a choice
And you are always mine.

You let me Teedle and trot
Glittery unicorn face
I texted you last night and said
"I am so loved"
"Yes you are baby."

And I fight with shadows often
Not all for not
But because of the deep momentous
Commitment and passion
I can give to you
And just you
And you to me.

I nearly cried as we kissed farewell for now
6 days to soak up my own roots
I see you
In my favorite plaid shirt
A graceful pup
She runs ahead of us
And protects me fiercely
Loving you unconditionally

It's just always been you.

I hit green leaves from a one hitter
In my little black **** dress, braless
You'll never know
Or really even fathom
How much it hurt me
That you turned out to be exactly
Exactly
What you mouthed
Your lips and your little crooked unpolished teeth
Muttered you
Were not.

I listen to humming and swelling sounds
I played it on my pink ipod
As my dark handsome then boyfriend
High school sweetheart
We marched down the stairs of the elitist white school
Yellow JCrew sweater, I thought I thought
I run and I run, I'm gonna chase my dreams.

But that boy
Just like all the others
That revolved and swung right through the doors
Of my heart, my life
They appear and edited just like
Just like
Spliced together like a horror movie scene
One by one I watched and let them go.

I add you to that list.

One of the hottest men
I've laid eyes on in a very, very long time
Finished up on a film set
I imagine his strong arms lifting and balancing
Like you tried to do
But stay, stay away from me
Please.

He asks me my address
I placed the witchy crystal ball and film emoji next to his name
I was warned, too
That he is a player
But my best friend exclaims
"So what! So are you!"

And in high sometimes prolific
Or ordinary moments I think and sing
I don't know what I want.

And I don't.
Not right now.
But I know
I don't want you
And the shambles you bring
And brought out in me.

So I hit my ****
Familiar faces grown with joy and life
Encountered me tonight
One of the women said:
"You had this strong iron core. And brought it into the room. Such a presence. Energy."
All my teachers beat me the **** up in art school
But just because they knew I could take it.

Wine. "Lets get high"
I don't even know what to call this one.
How ****.
Lets do.
I gotta be up around 7am
And I want you so badly
We could be just like
The moon and night.

I've had two things to eat today
Composed of coffee, composed of coffee
I sit by the window sill of where you work
Hoping its okay for you to see my face
My legs and my heart brought me here today.

I spent the morning crying on the phone
Another soul lost, another soul lost
You fought me over text messaging
I called myself a little white poor *****.

Goodnight, goodnight
I wish I was a member to everything
I start to really matter in this community
A man told me last night
"People naturally gravitate towards you."
White little shawl
Ink dripping from my mouth
So many options, so many things to do
I cried on the telephone this morning
Another beautiful soul lost.

This coffee is really ******* great
My stomach has been so empty the past two days
Words just flow and erupt from me
There is never enough time
But at the same time I wait for everything to start
I breathe in and breathe out
Be grateful be so grateful
Another soul lost today.

Live on, fight through it
My room mate heard me yelling into my towel in the shower
She flew out of the apartment so fast
So fast, its hard to feel supported
When the ugliness within me fights to be seen, heard
Marilyn Monroe aligns our walls
Yet.

I have about 89 things I should be doing right now
But I needed to write it out
Everyone thinks I'm so brave, so brave
Attending parties alone
Men in this world have zero to zero tact.


I fight through it
Not just a pretty picture
Cuz another beautiful soul lost today.

I dreamed last night
With half open, half closed
Moon eyes
That place we hibernate
But seldom go
In between the tippy toes of slumber
And a death like sleep
That the smallest naked white creature
Crawled and inched up onto my bed
Nestled its head into my chest
As I slept.

I remember in the clouds
Of visiting sleeping and dreaming
That I felt both love and hate
Fear and joy
I wanted to throw the thing off
But also realized with strangeness
That it meant well.

I guess in a lot of ways
That exact point seems to reverb all around me
As I dash, sprint past it and swing right into:

Arm in arm
We glide through the city of Chicago
The weekends are my time to frolic and play.

I get hugs and faces embrace me
Like I'm meant to stay
At least for now.

But there is something to it
There is something here
In the building, the fleshing
The sweating and carrying
That absolutely has me hooked.

Its been a tough time.
My eyes are so heavy, voice sounds just like
Boyhood, sickness has at last
Told me once again
To slow down.

So I did and I do
For a moment, just enough to recover
The weather reflecting my mood
And I start to think and ponder
And just know.
I don't even have to entertain it.

I can't wait until you don't even appear in my poetry anymore.

Soon.

It has been a time
As horse drawn carriages
Tied to dragons laying their eggs
Hatching ravenous fiery vixens
We challenge the world around us
I challenge the world around us
But not with hate.

At last,
I went to a bar in Chicago
I had been trying to go to since my 25th birthday
I lamented this in the cab on the way there
As the cab driver so charmingly commented: "You shoulda called me!"

I got ice cream this evening
By myself
Because I wanted to.

I left my cell phone in my bedroom
Because I wanted to.

I stood in line for a long time
Muddy weather blues got everyone in the mood
For bed. For Ice cream.
I watched the women and men working there
Working so hard with so little effort
The groups of people standing around
Deciding how many scoops of mint banana
Cherry chocolate covered fudge
Self love
They were gonna give themselves today.

My mind went back and forth about all my options
Trying to be cheaper, healthier
At long last
Flavors: Coffee. Chocolate.
Sprinkles.
Waffle cone.
Chocolate fudge on the side.

I ate and licked it up
Like I hadn't had *** in weeks.
True.

I brought home a stranger
Friday night, he was nice bought us all tacos
But there is just something about a connection
Thats gotta be there for me.

Beautiful Innovator and I bat our eye lashes
Table this conversation
What a beautiful black man.
"We are artist friends first"
Who knows.
Not me.
So aware of the connection, tension

Wolf Man licks his lips from afar
As I exclaim to all my women in the back seat of the uber
"He bettah get his **** togetha cuz I'm gonna end up his boss"
True.

I don't know.
I stood in line at the ice cream shop
And saw a flyer of The Flick by Annie Baker
I haven't done theatre since October
Since the closing night that you fell
Fell, fell on your face
Were too drunk to go out
Showed me post it notes on my wall
Proclaiming you would be a part of the rest of my life
You pulled me aside and told me how proud you were
"I don't think you will even have time to settle down. Your life is going to be everything you want it to be and more. You are too brilliant for your own good."
As if hearing those blurry words through the face of a ghost
They so quickly transformed into:    


Silence.
I give you my worst
Silence.
You were so wrong about the part you would play in my life.

Perhaps things will improve
But it won't be because I slaved away to make it better
I gave up on that almost 2 months ago
"He is doing what he is doing because he can't be alone and deal with the fact that he is still in love with you."

I ate all my ice cream.
I'm gonna watch V For Vendetta now
I got **** to do tomorrow.
And even though some of this hurts
And I think back to that rat
That warning

I opened my eyes
No rat to be found.

I remember when
I had the word Vienna
Etched in the curve of my name.

Everyone calls me Layne
And I quickly follow up
Not every time
But with my lovers, best
Marie.

I bought a jacket and a hat
Found and pinched out a sense of self
I never seemed to find anywhere else
But in the Austrian sunshine
Or how I can go anywhere
And make anything happen.

A friend and mentor told me last night
That I could move to Antarctica
And I would thrive.

Gold sequins
I felt sad you didn't come
Because everyone told me I should.

I've gotten to a place where in the highs
In the sky high moments
I don't always need the hand of a man.

I've seen all sides of it
And I don't live without admiration
But the validation I seek to give myself
It's plentiful
And then sometimes so empty.

You don't say anything in regards to the words that I write you
But I think maybe somewhere it effects you
Like how difficult it is for us to ever part ways
To pull ourselves off of one another
I've started to show you what's hiding under my skin.

He put his arm around me
While we stood on the stage
My hair grows longer
I tire myself out
And wonder where I'm supposed to end up
In time.

It's in the height of the intimacy
That I run wild, fractals warn me
That it will never just be you and I
So my cat snoozes
I work through it all
My work is the thing that will always be all mine.

I've changed so much
In so little and long a time
Do you see how we've also already grown?

Lick, cut my soul in half
Up against this wall, I could shut my little
Tiny mouth
I let the bags of what we wish we could have
Sit high up on my back
Rip down the doors and walls of our past
But we curse and I try to strut
Liquid coming from face
Lets not cry into wine tonight
But I just know it, I know it
Red flowing skirt, bare skin
And your ******* adoring grin.

I pleaded and wrote 44 pages worth of poetry
My objective so clear and loosely concise:
This, this is worth fighting for.
But sometimes, I, my body fights against me
Lights and drama tighten around my neck
But you whisper over technology
That you are the best for me.

Well.
I think that I am the best for you.
Shake loose intellectual mathematical equations
But I put on a beret, a pencil behind my ear
I can wear stockings and a fur stole
The way you sorta stole
My heart, before you go.

Ringlets of what could be fly high above our heads
But I could stay on the ******* internet
If it meant to see that face again.
You say you worry, worry about me
I am no PhD baring goddess or wise Egyptian
I know my palettes of paints confuse and ponder you
But I could misuse the word "literally"
A million more times
If it meant, I got to hear that little
Chuckle, from you.

I would do a lot of things
To be back in the corner of your room
Your back to me, in your sweet chair
Spanish echoing all around
Let me be your witty doll
I can throw you a curve ball
With my diamond eyelashes
And biting quick steps.

Happy Valentine's Day
My aching skin and longing lips
We, we dance in the dark
Wishing to turn our head
See you there coming near me,
Again.
Like the night you did,
When we first met.

But Button, Darling baby.
Your hands would brim and cascade
With my golden locks and hungry lips
But I would and could whimper with you
In a way you never dreamed.

So let me be
Let us be
I will let us be
A heart shaped box
Of the weirdest, most intricate
******* candy.

It goes and it goes
And you can't really for a moment
Stop the hands of time
I wear red
My hair messy from morning ***
With who I think could be
The love of my life.

We pitter patter
It doesn't really matter
Gotta get up and go again
I can't remember the last time
I slept past 10am.

I comfort and listen
Make a list of how
To be a better human
Broken out and listening
To the interior of my mind
And insides feel the most it feels
Once a month.

Sweet glorious man
You lift me up and pour me wine
I am getting to know exactly
What it's like when you
Have had a big long day
Your thoughts and behavior
Mirror that of boyhood
But you capture and ravage me
With such sweet love
Stating your love and sugary
Hope for us
As you collapse and give
Your everything into me.

My best friend gets it
Makes me miss her more
Let's grab pumpkin spice
And splice together the life
We bite into with such intense
Pleasure
You've got your house
You build with each brick
As I place the cement within
We got this, we got this
Miss you dearly sweet fairy
Let's prance in October
Like we haven't missed a beat
But everything has changed.

Don't wanna go to work
The hustle never ever stops
I write and whistle
My hands in 14 different pots
Is this what it means to be successful?

I love you.
I think we might be together for the rest of our days.

Figment wrapped in coiling surrender
Your embryonic licking tickle
I could have held you in these limbs
Until you & the moon held the beacon
On a great, large pike
Like severed skulls of kings & queens
Who once dreamed & creamed
That they would rule
The tiniest minnow,
You, my love.

Disintegrating as if fingertips
Held anxiety & power
With every touch.

Sometimes I think I simply--
Smoke too much ****, to be the housewife
Of men who rose & took up all the seats
Before.

But my minnow & me
We plant with our ***** soiled fists
Into the worms and four leaf clovers
Rooting into the specific "X MARKS THE SPOT"
Blooming pixilated images of the wings
I meant to give the moon all along
I could hear that you wanted me here

Moon and night sky wears on
Thinkin' about what drew me in
Like a lasso around shooting stars
Red flags surrounding me like nails in the earth
Cracks I avoid with my feet
I remember when I was a little girl
And we would all hiss and chime
"Step on a crack, break the devil's back!"

I wonder whats underneath all the mulch, the worms
I use to imagine Satan as a little red tainted fire faceless droid
Never ever fully seeing his face
But watching his back breathe and pound heavy from behind
As he looked down and around
At his fiery pit.

There was a time
Where I would look out my window
A drunken night or two
Or find you through the maze of my back porch
Bring you inside, it was so worth it I thought
So little sleep, so little sleep
But you showed me in the end
How very little, you fully loved
And respected me
Perhaps there are those that don't like how I went
Or bebopped away, you could say
But I had to go my own way.

I stay true to that
Relieved that if you uttered a sound, I would not know
6 months. Stay true, I coach myself through.

A handsome rebound, eye candy filled distraction
Stepping stone from home base where I thought I could be safe
But you're in love with a woman in Germany.

You texted me today, you had more to say
Spilled your guts a lil bit, I've said so little
I know that if I gave you the okay
You would be over here and on top of me
Right this moment.


But why bother. Why waste time
I think back on listening to the podcast
Where Peter Pan worshipped the bodies of women
And had nothing clear, intelligent, or deep to say
Realizing for the first time
Remembering just how
Your friends noticed you got all "deep and philosophical"
When I entered the room
You tried to blend into the wall paper of my heart
Adapt, transform, keep up
But you fell so very very very far behind
I could see it happening so clearly
I cried out for help in the littlest ways
And I think you tried a time or two
But at my darkest
It was you, you, you.

Just like The Joker said last night
Theres somethin' 'bout these 24 year old men
City men, they think they got it all
Trying to be grown up but drinkin' out of sippy cups
As the internet turns me off from the clinginess of others
I said I was gonna take a break
As the Sound Operator ran my way
Only to yes, yes
Be another disappointment.

I give up
What a freeing thing.

Swinging, climbing to & from--
Green ripe lemon leaves
Yell my name outside my window
I’ll be the Stella to your
Stanley Kowalski,
Though Blanche DuBois breathes in and out of me
But that’s much too dark & deep.

Lets keep it little!
Light, like lighting imaginary
Candles all around us
As I try to let go of--
Fear, negativity, anxiety
You can pick me up
Lift me into the sky—

A child shrieks & cries
To the left of me
But I drone out the tears
Why try to predict—
Heartbreak.

“You two looked like you were falling in love.”
I write & ink in blue
Blue stained mouths, intense
Kisses until sunrise
Stealth, muscularity, biting
Sensation.

“You are so ****.”
You say & say.

Faithfulness?
Who’s ready?
Universe puppeteers us
But lets read poems late
Into the night
After spilling
Half of the red
Wine—free of
Judgment.

Florida.
My phone almost dies
A multitude of times
Everyday.
But you are like the energizer bunny
You whisper next to me
But wrestle me,
I’ve never had a man
Slap my ***
With more grace.

Why lie or hoodwink
Text me your brotherly slang
As you reach—do a pirouette
Into the lemon lingo tree
Why analyze—write or report
A script when sometimes
Hands free is always better.

Lets not lament.
I don’t know that—
I can play that game anymore
But you gaze at me—for longer
Than I realize, hoping
Something good will stay.

Lemons can brighten & heal skin.

I drink ***
3 glasses now
Bedtime story to
The words of Diane Keaton
I'm little red riding hood for the night
But dressed in all black like an actor
Makes me remember stretching
Humming
Freeing our voice

I remember you
And all the men who did me wrong
Like PTSD.

But new music, Brave art
Don't have time for anything but that
But meaty clanging jaws
Urged me not to fall asleep just yet
I can hear all the howls
I wonder if it's a full moon.

Sips more ***
Reads a little bit more
Life is beautiful, luxurious
And so ******* difficult
But I'm lucky.

I'll be the swan in white
Prepared to fight
For the right for us to
Not be hushed
I've been hushed all my life
I would be such a good wife.

Doll me
That was the original name
Sips more ***
Sunshine scarf
I allow the memories
Happy and pain to pass me by
They are all covered in deceit
****** scars
Who knew you too
Would be
Everything I warned you
Against
Congrats you gladly take first place
My girlfriends say you are the worst
******* curse
I can't get her face
Her body
Her hair
Out of my head

And then I think
I know deep down
You, you
You must be the most haunted.

Little red riding hood tonight.

A firm strong masculine hand
Reached and caressed mine
At exactly every moment in space
In time
That my body longed for it.

You showed up
A girlfriend of mine, she shines with an invisible crown on her head
And I love that you know this is the norm
I surround myself with nothing less
Though there are perils and dragons along the way
But the difference with us,
My sweet love
As I detour just for one moment
Is that we do, we slay our own dragons.

I digress.
You showed up, she coyly announced your arrival to me
I turned and saw you
And theres something about the way that we look at each other
Across a room
Or
Inches away from each other
That is so trusting, safe
Two of my ladies said to me the other day
After I got off the phone with you
That I glow.

I remember writing a voice over for my first movie
Where I wept and longed for "a big beautiful strong man"
"He would wrap me in his arms, so small, so small in his arms"
"Kissing every mascaraed tear--away."
I remember those words like they were tattooed
To the inside of both pairs of my lips.

I think of words and phrases
Little things you do and say
Moments that occur and pass
All of the beauty I want to capture like a floating insect
In the palm of my hand
To then examine its wings
Mock up, create a sketch, a note or two
And then watch it fly
Much like my art.
Much like me.
Much like this.

Because I don't want to add pressure
I don't want to force
I don't want to beg
Scare or harm
But most of all
I don't want to run
For once.

Theres something new within me with this now
Its not a fearful urgency
Like we are running out of time
Or at any moment you might change your mind

I just am so looking forward

To all of the moments
And all of the days.

Spring has sung and spun
Little birds nests in my mane
Playing and sitting atop rocks in Central Park
We got so high we walked from the West Side
All through the grassy hills
To the East Side
Wednesday night, it now is.

Weepin' pretty ******* the train
So many bags and suitcases
This place has changed me so much
I tried to create, write a list
1.
1.
1.
That was all I wrote.

Too much to even say.

I came back with ink on the back of my shoulder
One of my room mates acted like I wasn't home all day
I guess we really just aren't friends anymore
Feelin' feelin' like such a huge **** up
I keep it spinnin' winnin'
Hearing my fairy girlfriends  phrase again and again
"Its all in the forgetting"

Death occurs so fast
Images of their face gone too soon
For a millisecond I had someone to hold my hand
Be there for me, I cry into the telephone
It hurts to be without.

But I am in the midst of retraining my mind, my habits
Not a vindictive bone in my body my best friend said
I spin in circles, spinning and hoping
To stop for brief pauses
Full of love and reflection.

Little tiny bed, we shared just like we were 19
Your sighs releasing your insides
Good morning. Good morning.
You grabbed my hand as you went
I didn't cry this time.

I knew this transition would be difficult, a challenge
But I had no real clue, no real idea
But it makes sense.
Year one. It takes time. You bump into the wrong things,
The wrong folks, the wrong heart break
As I filled my fridge today
I thought, can't wait to be over this ****
Out of this apartment, light shining on my face
Looking back at this time and laughing
But that day is not today
Seize exactly where you are at.

A series of eyes and lips, words
Haunt me as I see them all spliced together in my minds eye
I think my room mate heard me make myself ******
To the series of all them
But I release it all into the wind
Like a balloon on fire
It makes no sense at this minute
But.
But.
But

It is,
All in the forgetting.

A tingling wetness in eyeball sockets
Coo into the 8th floor high rise
Outlooking a city that ebbed and flowed
With its foggy productive matter
My love gingerly cooked nutrients into our bodies
As I got to work, so quick
So quickly.

Its been a whirlwind
I'll return to Philadelphia
For what will be
The fourth time since I left town
Left town gave all my things away
Lady Liberty arrived so early
I had to say goodbye in such a hurry
How I cried and cried
On the shuttle that day.

I'll never forget the way the weather smelled
Or my fathers bright but tired face
Blue eyes saying
You brought yourself here little girl
Now lets hope for the best
A new roommate
Her hair an echoing brown red
She hovered in my doorway
As I unpacked and unloaded
The little and a lot
That I had.

Weeks and months whizzed by
I made friends at the blink of an eye
It took no effort
No it took no effort
And now when I think back
It reminds me of when I transferred in middle school
There was the popular girl group
And the ****** theatre arty girls
And the popular girl group wanted
Me to be one of them so badly
And I tried
For a time
But soon enough kept finding myself
Quietly withdrawing
Too strange and creative
I tried with one or two of them
To bring them into a new circle
And it didn't quite work
No it didn't quite work
So we remained respectful
But I built my own tribe.

And much like that time
It bled into adulthood
Made friends so fast
We drank too much
Lip synced in basements
Cards upon cards
I had my eye on one in particular
I thought we might have fun
You wanted so badly to be everything you're not
Little one
And for that
I can secretly forgive you.

And everything now
Is just about as it should be
I struggle and I lift
Myself off the ground
With joyful bounds of exuberance
And low points of self hatred
And I interweave and find the leaves
Connections and streams
Between it all.

A wedding
This time last year
A past ex lover took me to a wedding
I know someday I might pass you by
Remember how I told you
Trying to make you spend time with me
Outside of your posse
Was like pulling teeth
That you would see my name everywhere?

But I'm back in my computer chair
My love, he's so confident and stable
We have the best time
And it can just be
Me
And
He.

Am I a joke
A fake
Easily replaced?

My face pounds from tequila
And red lipstick stains I left on a man
Whose name I will never
Want to remember
I danced so wild and free
Anything to erase memories
Of what you meant to me.

In my Libra mode
I remember crying into the phone
I needed you so much
But it was never enough
You sought attention else where that night
Out of spite
If I could look back and try
Once more
I would have walked out the door
Many moons before.

I painted myself up so pretty
For you and you
Adderall kicked in so hard
Its 6AM and I could argue
Until my lips turn blue
But you blame me and you shame me
But I all I ever wanted was to be adored.

I spent all this time
Discussing and moving through hula hoops
Loosening my body
So that it could reach it's utmost depth.

I moved among nature
Made sound into moans
By day four it's like you both got used to my absence.

Is it because I'm so the cool girl
Is it because I play a little bit hard to get
Is it because whenever I feel controlled by my love life
I turn my phone right off?
Just for a bit.

A new friend told me last night
Warned me rather,
Of seeking security--validation I coined it
From the romantic relationships I'm in
She spoke of love and *** so casually
Like it was made for us all to do
And I've noticed the folks most secure in their own
Relationships
Can most easily give that kind of advice.

I'm 28 now
I've let go of trying to find a husband
I put up with *******, but only so much of it
I'm not rushing, I'm not searching
I just want companionship and some really good ***.

I feel the coming cold of Chicago
And I realize within myself every inch of it
That my time here is coming to a close
And it doesn't have to be filled with disappointment
Though I do feel it
Even when I hear the name of a person of my past
Who fills his days up with babies, diapers, a new wife
I've just seen and watched so many of the men
The men that were my men
Pass me by.

I'm hard to get, I'm free, the cool girl
Who yet still seems to demand meaning
And honest conversation
The word resentment enters my mind sometimes
Like just wondering if they feel it towards me at times
I hang up the phone hastily
Tired of hearing not what I want to hear
As soon as one of them reaches
The other does in unison

It reminds me of when I was 13
I'd be on AIM messenger
Talking to three teenage boys at once
Bing bing bing
The chats would all go at once.

Am I still
That little girl
Staring at the soft glow of a screen
Make up washed off
Pjs on
Eating a bite
Typing or speaking quickly
Hoping for a sense
Of belonging
Somewhere in
Love.

Wear, we all grow so weary
Blood stained fangs, our Medusa heads surround and cloud me
Hissing and whispering
"He's not for you. He's not for you."
Hung up on mama just now,
Wouldn't stop repeating repeat
Lecturing me
Get a flu shot, forget him, forget him
But the ink of both drugs
Seeped and swept into my blood so deep


Ruined me, my brain
But I can't believe a silly man has that much power
I fight drug addiction to wrongness
While my best friend weeps and cries into her lovers arms
There in 5 days time, thank God
As my childhood best friend prepares for a funeral march
If only, if only
I wish I could lift up all the souls
And we could dine and wine
On nothing but love and height.
Its gonna be hard to be positive and thankful today
Dressed to go run in the sun
A to do list that is every growing
I wanna drink and fade away into the night
But I start a new job tomorrow morning.

But lets take molly Saturday night
My room mate said to me with a twinkle in her eye
I'm down, I'm so down
Friday, Fridays are always the hardest
When I have let you go
I wonder and I count on ten fingers and toes
Though you lack such extreme capacity
You must, must feel the same
Deep within your little tiny skull.

I don't ******' know.
A man I have never met was so agitated with me last night
Because I was too tired to vape and meet up
But send him a sweet text this morning
Use my poetry he said via technology
But I just don't give a flying ****.

I think most of the time I talk to myself in circles
Hoping someone who cares will listen
For the first time the feedback and negative words
They share with me about you
They hit home.

And I can thank every Catholic star of God of Gods
For that
Although my beliefs continue to progress
More loosely.

Sound Operator on set had lingering moments
Of drinking me in through a straw
But I gotta be professional
"Your lips match your eyes"
He said to me as we carried and hustled gear
I wish I knew, I wish I had the education
But I pick up and try to learn as best as I can.

Trailer is a bit too long
Lets make it tight, right
I count down the days on a white board
I think my other room mate hates me
But **** it, **** it all
I say to myself in a sober or drunken state
My heart and brain cares far too much.

So you don't reply, I don't think you will
"He's not strong enough to"
My girlfriends all chime
As our snake heads hiss and sing
Ring, ding, move on along
Bye, so long
Poison you ******* poison
My life and the rotations and evolution
The sweet words I concoct and drink through my own straw
I finally, finally
Take a breath, take a moment
Heal the wounds
Let the ink of the drugs of you
Slip and fade away, removed at last

As I dive into the strong ocean waves.

Potato sacks, we jumped in
I always won the race
First place on my face.

A plaque, a trophy taller than my grin
Ribbons, certificates, medals
In the top 3, I remember the pleasure it brought me
When I would defeat the boys, especially.

Standing in front of a crowd
Here is a story, a story you should hear.
I memorized all these words
My heart so in it all.

Gazing in the mirror of who I am now
Brighten my color up, sweet hair dresser
As deep conversation on life and love
Lick like flames around us
Everyone just wants to be loved
Everyone wants to feel free
Everyone wants what they want
But mostly,
Everyone wants validation.

I sought it out,
Stuck my pinky finger through the holes
Of smoke clouds I denied for two years
Of empty whiskey bottles
Your bitter cigarette kisses
I seem to still haunt myself with
You answer sometimes, sometimes you don't
But I know at the end,
You will always just be happy for me
In the village of you
Filled with only you.

A half empty apartment
A girl from college also goes to Chicago
But I don't feel the need to chase the past
I go my own way.

A moment of remembering this time
Before, a cap & gown
The biggest moment besides marriage
Everyone likes to proclaim
Preach, teach, leech
But we are the generation of change.

I am change.
I am freedom.
I am ******.
I am powerful.
I am a goddess of my own life.

Blonde hairs above lips
Sweating in the sun
Lets not disturb the crowd with music
But I throw down, don't worry
I'm no ******* clown
All the boys and girls watch me
As I dance.

Playing the part of the night
I shudder when insecure boys
Ask me about my acting
As if I were a mannequin
I don't have answers to most things
I don't try to pretend to be wiser than you
But I listen, I feed, and I leave
A positive mark behind.

Validation through whoever you are dating--
A factor, a choice most women seek
But I intellectualize it
No binoculars on my eyes,
In time
Bravery will caress my name.

A dark little abode I've known for so long now
Mama wants to know what I think of her writing
Beautiful, nice repetition, meaning
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back
I text back.

Like a flurry of volcanic emotions
I see them, like lost banshees fly past me
I know I'm not alone in this
All the young women and I
We lift our heads up.

Confession:
I thought I would look around at age 24
With my glasses and blonde hair
And I would have it all figured out
But I journey on
Bravery never felt so good.

The skin around my eye sockets ache
A thumping dull thud
On this Christmas Eve
I drink hot chocolate, a glass of red
I wish I felt like I had it all together.

The television rumbles behind me
My boyfriend and I
We line up like soldiers
To try and determine
How to better treat
And be with one another.

Like a worn down page
Near the end of a book
The front cover you first fell in love with
The introduction you might have mistook
But as you read on
You couldn't help but flip and flip again
Drinking and soaking up the red coated ***
Of delicious page to page.

But we discovered today
In the wooded neighborhood
Called McGee Estates
Where I hang my tired hat for a few days
That a transfer of emotions and hard comings
Have come and settled
And with white torched fingertips
Breathed their name into mine.

An awareness, we find it
We discover it with a pail and shovel
I imagine mistletoe must be hanging
Everyone around me gets engaged
Or their videos go viral
And it doesn't make me bitter at all
I just fight to try and live my best life.

A big deep breath
A surrender to the knowledge
That I cannot conquer and own everything there is
Expectations whistle and thistle
Like the Southern whisper of morning dew
As I run rampant
Trying to discover whats new
Whats new.

But whats new is here
And within me as it always has been
That burnt page doesn't have to spiral into embers
Or a lonely attitude

Its Christmas
Its almost Christmas
I feel as though I've aged eons
But this is the hustle
This is the point of no finish line.

I'm falling in love again.

Over veggies and eggs
Movie making talk
Tired eyes I worry about lines in my face
Cocooned so sweetly, so soft
In your epic generosity.

Flashbacks they come and go
In fast and slow spurts
We lie in our cream
And speak of what we have seen
You've had such a life.

You dangle like beautiful ornaments
The possibilities of our future
Not to taunt
But to so eloquently please
So I let you please me.

You use phrases that are so quotable
I admit the things I don't know
Or understand
With gentle hands you teach me to keep looking
Into the face
Of what I'm meant to do
I sit in front of my new windows
I need to buy nails
Hang a mirror or two
I feel anxious when I have time at home
But I'm such a hermit sometimes
I repair myself and prepare for battle.

I obsess over the maniacal
And the objects and folks
I cannot dare change
Always sticking my neck out
To try and have it go my way
I've got much to do, much to do
A thing or two
You touch and teach me
More than a thing or two

I watch the past die in embers and flames
It can't lift its head
I marked out days with ink
Religiously slept alone
Mama said she prayed
And I look at you and I think

I've wanted you for so long

And here you are.

My own father just now
Told me that right or wrong
Donald Trump is our president
He is going to hope the best
Myself and others can get over it.

I don't need to listen
I don't want to ******* listen
I have shown and exhibited my kindness
My tolerance
**** ANYONE THAT THINKS ANY OF THIS IS OKAY.

I know it's been a tough time
I know you have been at this so long
It's the simple delightful things
Like when I make you laugh on the train
And I'm the first to assume the worst
Think let'***** it and quit it
But I'm next to you
I'm so next to you.

The weather and strife has brought you down
You wear it like a thorn ridden crown
Like King Arthur
Or a Henry from the time before
But you are kinder
Wiser
Gentler
Let that fear and anger subside.

I know I'm not always the most peaceful queen
Next to your side
But I'm learning and growing and too
Must release my south given pride
But I'm here for you and I want this
May we make this world a better place
With our playful mischief
And remember to always remember
The bright side.

My whole body ******* hurts
Got that post dance ache
Kisses in a black shirt
That guy, he found me all night
But we release our juices at the same time
Long Eyelashes and I.

Phone vibrating and calculating
Edit and stir **** up
A girl cussed me out last night
Because she thought I grabbed her ***?
What is the world coming to.

A woman and a woman
I would never shame a woman
So don't drop the f bomb
On a girl you really don't know.

Venus and hair virginal bones
Everyone afraid of amtrak now
World, let us be safe
Be so safe
Be so sweet.

"You would be really fun to go to a ******* with"
My poor little Bohemian Lover says to me
But I know the truth.

My eyes hurt and are swollen these days
All that whiskey and braless chest today
But a stranger asks me to watch his computer
I wish he was cute.

I wanna make so much
I wanna do so much
Sleep seems like such a chore
I don't know where I'm living, just yet

The month of May.