I packed scissors and Elmers glue
The scissors turquoise, the blades worn
From all of the crafts
Built on my black and gold coffee table
Painting into the dark night
Dreaming of a world beyond
In the greenery
The moist heat of trees
The grass fresh with morning dew
Bare feet
I remember her
I hold her closer than ever now.

It's whistling and gliding in the wind
Sent you a gift from my personal heaven
Wish it was possible to release
The cruelty of this world
Punch it in the nose
Bruised and left behind
That's the fear
That's my fear.

LED lights become my synonym
Screens thundering and clapping
Ascending into the palms trees
Traveling into the light
Meditating with might
Figuring if I'd define what was right
I'd be less bored.

I have free written much lately
Opening a script too quick to
Shut the screen
Whirring and purring sounds
Technology taps out
It'll tap you out
As the robotic men at the top
Yell out in frustration
As dollar signs and clout
Descend down.

Find that balance
It can all be on the internet
I'm happy on my own
I am truly happy on my own.

And I make space
I create, cultivate, breathe things to life
Elevate all at once
And I take my time to rest, absorb, and rest
My powerful and
As the wizard said
Gentle soul
Eyes.

So here we are
In our glittering yellow light
Sparkle, beacon, shine
Sirens crooning songs to the great above
Not so below
Not so below.

2nd floor livin'
My kitty cat and I
Love the way we thriving
Love the way we trusting the thrive.

Adventure around town
Lovers in the morning or night
Light
Doesn't matter
Good night
He says to me
I know full well you ain't no
Husband of mine
To be
But I'll adore
The freedom of bliss
With you and you
And trust.
Continue to grow
Trust.

So that's
This is what its like right
To live in the city, pretty
LA living, everyone licking
Connecting right on cue
And I'm tossed around like
The little *** doll
I relish in being most
And yet I still fight it
For fear of more pain
Or hoping someone would change
When its always so clear
Right at the tippy top
Whether they are eloquent
Mature
It's pretty clear.

Its clear its all ******
And often times I let
The desire men feel for me
But not to truly build with me
Weigh me down
Pull me down into the spots and places
Where I want so badly
To avoid being the weak one
So I prance and pray upon prey
The predators once I give myself over to them
I work so hard to try and be the lover
On top
But not in the sense
Like we were today
You devouring me in large plentiful gulps
And I moan my siren's song.

I spent all my girlhood years
Believing a prince would come
I'm the prince.

The April spring becoming summer
Los Angeles
Our window boil
With the radiant sun
Fresh off the plane from Mexico
Where my red lips were kissed
With such passion.

Words exchanged over
The loneliness of an app
I woke up early just to see you again
As you drive fourteen hours
And I deleted your name from my phone today
Put you on mute
So that I could begin the process
Of assuming
I stained your face with my red lips
And nothing more.

I've been painting into corners wondering
Why can't I just find a good strong clean man
To share this heavy thing called life with
To love me with such tenderness
Me and my kitty cat
And I remember how my world fell apart
This time last year
When we made it Christmas in Chicago.

I release myself from expectation
Disappointment
Fear
Loss
And open my eyes to right now.

I've made it onto this earth for 31 years now.

I inspect it all
With my blue and gray
Perfectly 90s
Microscope
Awaiting to share
We paint
I paint with precision
No expectations
And the ability to provide
The cushion, security, well being
I thought I needed
From every man
Everyone
But me.

I thank my lucky southern stars
For the tackles
Of the boys who talked ****
And left a scar
Above my little perky
Left ***.

It healed
I heal (ed)
On it goes
On we go.

I feel the urge the need
To create, produce
Not for any other reason
Than it gives me an insurmountable
Purpose that it full of ease
Creativity
And entrusting in the practice
Of my abilities
That's all art really is.

Practice.
Pleasure.
Prepare.
Purpose.
And then it's all just release
I feel like I cannot get enough rest
In my tiny sacred room
I try to slow down if even for a minute
Enjoy
Absorb
Breath in, breath out
Feet grounded into the earth
The closest to the soil you can connect with
And thank
Thank
And move in each pivotal direction
And on.

I hit the moon dust
Of the **** a daddi gave lil ole
****, plentiful
Glorious me.

It's often I can't see myself clearly
Cannot understand how to embrace, cherish
Myself
So I've been tooth and nail
Pickin' pickin' away at that
Very thing
The world trains women to hate themselves
And I'm over here just
Drinking from the ocean
If it means
A closer connection to the earth
To the wind, rain
I'll let it baptize me
And today
Open myself up
To the spring springing on
This time
From the shedding of palms.

I remind myself often only I am me
And even if there is no man around
To love on me
I am whole
I am present
I am layered, absolutely
Breath taking.
No other entity is my competition.

Clouds rising above
A sleeping dark blonde head
Arising from the sun roof
Of the car
Like a prince at prom
Only to lose your head
Decapitated in just one blip
I looked for your lonesome head
All around the land
Broken like a barbie doll
Two pieces of you
And still none for me.

You don't live down the street from me anymore
And still I'll mourn you in little glimpses
And keep you blocked
For me.

Pistacho
I snack, we drink
The crisp green
Seasonal spring funny thing
This time last year
The ides of March riffed so much differently
I loved myself significantly less
As I bent myself forwards, backwards,
Down the sides
Deep below the great layers of the Earth
And sang lies to myself about
Who I could be
For him
Him
Or him.

I piled my hair into space buns
A bruise on my nose
From picking too hard at black heads
I've got 70 dollars to my name
But I post a picture holding
A dry ***** martini
Looking like I've got it
Looking like she's got it
Looking like me.

The text formulates to encompass the screen
The screen moving making magic things
Directing into the sunrise
The snow thick in our boots
Smoking **** into the ice
Feeling the rise, the surprise
I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

That doesn't make it easy
Or make me always entrust
In the pain that's found it's way to me
My cat strider and I
Dozing, oozing into the tub
I free write
Into the morning light
Because I can.

Early morning coffee
Watching the LA sunrise
I clear the air
I sage myself under the moon
Dancing while wearing a crown
Meditating among crystals
Praising the goddesses for their love and light
My papa said he was so proud of me this mornin'
And that too, brings tears to my eyes and softens my chest
Into feeling
Feeling all of it
And allowing myself the space
The time
To openly just feel and be a student of curiosity
To those feelings.

I think I might need to mourn him a little bit more
As I continue my path.

It hurts to eat breakfast
Snaps pitter patter right on past
Into what's now what I hoped never be
A part of our past
Eggys, milky white yellow
Perfectly poached pleasure
Snap snap
Photographs
The lenses of my eyes like twirling into
The last time you saw me
And I hopped into your car
As you drove on by
Accidentally cried
You said I looked like I was doin' really well
Bringing me breakfast in bed
Coffee in the morning but never quite
How I take it
You had to go
You chose you.

I become the best me I could become
Iridescent beaming light
Moon water in sight
Dancing as a wolf
You live down the street
I wonder if you use the holographic silverware
Or if you ever returned the pink dish rack
The pink lights lining the walls
Lining the outline of my body
Under the Aztec styled blanket
A fellow libra aesthetic
You were a fellow libra aesthetic.

I mourn you now
I mourn you in a quiet, so quiet
Calm and like I've finally paused to look at the wall
And start to dismantle it down.

Its November now
Tides ebb and flow
They carry me into the
Hawaiian sunset
You said once I always wrote about other men
In my poetry about you.

I don't talk to you anymore
Because breakfast hurts
And I'll never cook
Or eat it
Quite the way I did when I was with you
And you were mine
And I was yours
But breakfast hurts and I counted on you
I counted on you to be strong enough.

And then in autumn colored turned summer
Smatterings of color
You posted about me
Like I was part of your past.

So that's why
Breakfast hurts.

Soft gaze
Interlocking hands
Jet black
You pour over my body like its a constant stream
Of ******* consciousness you've been
Looking deeply for all this time.

Little lace
You love my pretty face
Sweeping into the distance
Your light is bright
Friendly with such a trusty banter
Your voice makes my ******* wetter
As I ****** in the cocoon I created.

Trembling thighs
Melting minds
You quiver when I touch you
Sensually and with such a taste
For the offerings you bring
To my opened mouth
Longing for more
Another drink into
A steadfast
Rose that sits inside a glass vase
I brought it here
I left it for you
So you'd know what makes your heart
Pitter patter.

So this is the way it goes
I put out my second mini preroll of the morning
Don my mustard fall sweater
Check the screens, check the screens
Don't
Don't
Miss a thing.

Messages from you and your mama
Come through
Like a fog in the grave yard
I no longer tread.

I can see myself again so easily
Plumper, shorter hair
Platinum rust
A bigger bust
Running into the dust
I knew who I wanted to become.

I'm becoming her
More and more everyday
And it is a cryin' shame you went away
But I can't hold ghosts in the palms of my hands
Though you'd think based on my late night
Wakings
I'm certainly most comfortable
With just the imagined.

I'm striving to be more and more present
Everyday
I know that's all you wanted too baby
I know that's all I wanted for you too baby.

I'm just sorry it didn't go our way.
I'm just so sorry you chose not to stay
I'm really very sorry you closed the door to me
I apologize for driving you away
But most of all I'm sorry you are so sorry now
You've seen I no longer remain
Among the bones, the dirt we piled up high
In so short but meaningful a time.

I still look for your black Toyota
Highlander stamped on the back
But I can never really remember what the front looks like
Catching the eyes of strangers
I gaze at them with an intense
Looking for ghosts manner
Only to quickly avert my gaze
Not him.

I painted the visions for you
Blew them up like 3 dimensional figurines
I didn't mean to relive such a thing
My face gets caressed but I flinched like it was
Going to be a slap
Dollar bills flashing through the pupils of my eyes
You've gotta know I'm still mad.

I don't choose to do anything with my anger now
I nourish places to live in peace
And I know that's all you ever wanted for us baby
I know that's all I ever wanted for us baby
It's just too bad it couldn't be with you.

And its true I always feel this way
Because I give relationships my above all
And there's no shame in that
But I stand on the edge of the waterfall
So aware that with one wrong move
I could tumble all the way on down
But it isn't death I fear
No, I've never feared death
And as I felt my eyes becoming
A little too comfortable closed
Standing next to my new friend George
In the Hilo, Hawaii night sky
I awaken, stopping my getting too comfortable in potential
Danger state
And tell my friend, "let's go."

Not because I fear pain
But because I've got so much living to do.

I wish I could pretend
Like my heart wasn't hurting the way it is
When I'm alone
An anchor
We've, I've heard you described
As what was once an anchor on me

It is so hard to imagine
You living down the street
Gazing out the 7th floor windows
Enjoying the balcony
The bathtub I would have bathed in
The candle I bought
The orchid
I wonder how she grows
Or if you threw my pack of **** away
And if your heart hurts
Aches even
When you are alone
Too.

It didn't work out between us
I ended up living here in Echo Park
Much longer than I
I once thought we
Intended
And sometimes I feel real embarrassed about that
Sometimes I feel angry, every feeling
As I blocked you out one final time
Feeling so tired of like
I was the person uninvited
I was the person who's invitation got taken away
But then again
It was you who first tried to put back on your pants
And leave the downtown hotel room.

I'm not the same person anymore
I'm not super sure who I am becoming now
Sometimes I feel like I love and like who I'm becoming
So very much
With a zeroed in focus on healing
Self work, self care, self focus
Every time I take a hit of **** for the first time
I feel relieved there is no one around to judge me for it
And I'm realizing more and more
What I want
What I deserve
Who I am
Who I am becoming
What my goals are.

You moved all the way back to LA
Just to let me go.

Does your heart ache
Does your heart hurt
When you too are alone?

When the weekends arrive
Particularly on pacific coast time
I remember how you'd say you'd scoop me up
Take me to your place in Venice for a time.

It became our place
You moved there for a moment
To sweeten my heart
And we all just fell apart
In the end.

My weekends here now
The silence feels so loud
My living situation is not what I wanted
Not what I planned
Not what I hoped for.

And I cried to my therapist
Said nearly everything ugly
I'd thought about myself
And you
Since you stopped choosing me.

I don't know why
You keep that picture of me
On your Instagram page
Or the pictures of us
Where we did our best
To live and love.

I wonder where you are now
Watch your life proceed without me
From a far distance
As your following and follower count grows
But I can't even see it
Because you have your profile set on private.

I compare and contrast myself
To all your supposed friends
And wonder if you miss me
As badly as I do you.

We spoke of you coming and finding me again
I never thought there would be such loud
Profound silence
Between the two of us
And I wonder if we will ever meet again.

I'm not happier without you
Is the truth
And I wish so much
You could remeet me now
Take me out of this tiny apartment
In Echo Park
Let's build the life we dreamed
No more just fantasies.

Let's build the life we dreamed please.

So I shake off the dust
The dust I inflict upon myself
Close the old chapter
Where this time last year I was not who I am now
And continue to grow and get better
At not absorbing
The opinions, emotions, and energy of others
And give myself permission
To grow.

Perhaps in time
Perhaps in time
The weekends are always the most painful
Long black cotton dress
The way you kissed my neck
Our love was real
Our love is real.

How do you
How do you say
I want to write our own script with you
I want to be your life partner
And to explore and frolic into the rest.

I want you to propose
I want to marry you
And for you to marry me
I want us to own property
Settle down
With a life full of splashes of color
I want to accept you just as you are
And I want to embrace the fluidity
Within which I see and can hear
For the first time without fear
Or demons I couldn't see past before
You for the very first time
I can hear and I can see
I can feel and I have the tools to work through my own
Pain.

How do you say
Can't you see how I have greatly transformed
How do you say
Can you give me
Us
Another whole chance
And I will too
How do you say
I want to live with exuberance
To love with openness and excitement
To share a full life of love, compassion
All knowing self awareness
With you.

How?

Like ships in the night
We keep passing each other
Right on by
Tears welling in my eyes
The fear of you moving on
Replacing, perhaps even better
Me.

I take more medicine
Now on an airplane unable to
Try and strive to be
That higher level
Me
I'll be on this ride for a few hours time
Paid for internet
Try and detect the feelings best
I know I'll be going home
Facing how you aren't with me.

I remind myself of the kisses
Of the ***** words said to me
By men
The options that I have
The smoke show I've become
Everything you have ever wanted
And I just want
I want you to see
And hear it for yourself.

In time
In time
In time.

Sometimes I think back on all the terrible times
And remember how I contributed to it
I don't even feel like the same person.

It all feels like a faint history
With so much emotion
And a lot of love
We just weren't sure how to
Navigate.

I fly away
Like I seem to always be
I read a little bit of a book
To remind my mind, body, soul
To open.

The best thing about having a boyfriend is using his Netflix even after you break up. #notallmen

So now what
I feel like this has been my opening line
For every poem I write
Nearly every night.

With a clamoring crash
All the walls to the house we built
Came crashing down
I think I might have taken a pair of scissors
To the windowsills
Just trying to feel something again
Sick of the purgatory
And the ultimate newness
You didn't put your palm out for
That happens after you break away
From a lover you were building with.

So here I am now
With my windowsills split
My cat meows at our door endlessly
Looking for sunshine and grass to eat
And I got angry earlier
With painful truths
So he took out the already loose nails of the roof
& now here I stand in the debris.

I hope he'll see the rumble & tumble
Of me with the broken pieces of our love
As I see a series of flashbacks
Where I was young all was so complex,
Intricate
And he'll feel a deep mournful keeeeeeening
Tremendous loss.

Hope?
People speak of the virus spreading
New strains
Drank too much Blantons at the party
Got sick all the next day, forgot my body
Ordered more **** after vowing to cut back
That's when I remind myself I will get on it
But cut yourself some slack
You've been doing your ******' best
Only matters you know that.

Made some shrimp tonight after weeping into my mattress
I have every right to hurt.

Big sigh
Release
Release

Release.

So now what

I'm here in Chicago
I filled my day with self care
And it feels like he's distancing himself further
And further away from me
Like he's been coming and moving away from me
All this time.

My therapist says this time, its different
I can feel
That this time
It is different
I'm different.

And it hurts so much to be compared to
The wounds of my past
And my appetite was so finicky tonight
I could never make a decision
So I just didn't
Its getting late now I've got a big day ahead of me tomorrow
My gabapentin ran out
I'm not going to be able to get it until tomorrow night
He had up a picture of us
And its gone again now
He blocked another account
He needs space he says
He needs time he says
He needs to recover he says
And my hope slowly disappears into the night.

It feels so unfair to be compared to where I've been
I look in the mirror
So much different now
I'm already so different now
And I wish so much
I was cuddling you
And you were holding me right back
On the couch you got for us.

I sleep 7 floors above the ground
I stare at my phone
Like it might tell me something different
I need to go to bed sooner
I miss you so much
I hope you miss me too.

How do I begin
To tell you how much I miss you
When you've never been more far away.

Do you remember when
You did everything you could to
Come to me
To reach for me
How even in our hardest
Most far away moments
We still knew it was worth it.

You've grown cold
And I've never felt more alone
I take this time to heal, to believe, to trust
To decipher and breathe through
The little hurts I've carried along
On my back
And I think of how much you have protected me
Wept for me
And how deep in the well of my being
I know we both believe in this
In us.

The time without you has felt so long
I haven't known how to speak
How to do this
I haven't known how to give us both
Freedom and peace
Simplicity, I know thats what we both want
And every minute
Every hour
I'm just striving to be so kind
Even when met with your nothingness
The nothingness I am trusting will pass
As we get the help we need
And deserve
To grow, to prosper
Together.

I miss you holding me in your arms
And I know we have both been so frustrated
You often would reassure me of all the time we have
And in my down moments of this
I can't begin to explain to you how this
Has very much brought out every single one of my fears.

I'm getting up and facing them
And I'm demanding them to be quiet
When they swirl around me like a blinding darkness
And it doesn't mean I'm always perfect with it
It doesn't mean I've got it all figured out
But I'm able to see the cracks
In their trembling unreal faces
And acknowledge the light within
That is growing stronger and stronger everyday.

I love you
I always have
I always will
I know you love me too
I know you always have
I know you always will.

Let's please
Recalibrate.

Okay I get it
You seem to have nothing for me.

Walled up, shut out
I'm somewhere lost
On the outside
Looking in
You embrace my fears like you enjoy it
I'm outside
Looking in.

Several weeks have gone by
Activated
You picked me up
Like I was some chore
Some labor
My heart hurts tonight.

In all the moments where I should be at my highest
I've looked over at you
Nothing
Just drug down
Into.

Sitting with my own pain
My own holdings
Silence.

Draw and chart it out
Take medication
Condition
Buzz words get thrown around like
Candy canes
During a Christmas vacation
It feels like its just me all alone
All the time
No matter what I do
And I remember this time last week
The solace I found in the hotel room
Sleeping in a bed
That looked like a film strip
If the silence is there tonight
Let it.

Why do I have to carry the weight of torture?
Why do I have to allow myself to be drug down
Why do I look for the very thing that at this moment
Isn't there
Why do I allow myself to feel so dejected and neglected
And its like the very person
I want to hold me up the highest

Limbo
I cast another role
Take another bite of salad
I go on airplane mode to escape the lost feelings
I feel
I hope
And I'm so tired of feeling pushed around
Like I'm some kind of pretty puppet
My own best friend hardly likes my instagram posts
And I'm just so tired of caring
I've heard a lot lately about my ownership
And how me owning myself on the internet
If someone isn't capable of doing that right now
It could be triggering for them.

I was the girl that brought home trophies every weekend
I got comfortable traveling
Packing my bags
Wearing a suit
Performing
I was so disciplined at such a young age.
I really really really
Fought to rise up and make **** happen.

And here in this moment
Where I feel the most unacknowledged by my own
Partner I ever have
My keyboards literally falling off of my computer
Trusting
Waiting to see a therapist together
Limbo
Self care


Here in this moment
I'll finish this poem
And look at a stripboard
Confirm its excellence
Maybe ask a question or two
Watch twin peaks
And release myself
From need.

I long for you
And I feel like it was you I was longing for all my life.

I've been thinking about
How I soften your edges
How I could better soften your edges
Like a pale yellow orange sunrise
I'd wrap myself all around you
Embrace and make space
For you to be all that you are
A handsome meat loaf.

The nights are always the hardest
And with you just down the street
In the little home
We dreamed and were creating together
I'm doing all I can to be much more intentional
With the things I do and say
Striving to lead so much more with integrity
And continually remind myself what that word
Really even means.

I keep seeing flickers of you
In all the time and all the history
We have cultivated and breathed into life together
All of the beautiful blissful moments
And all of the moments where it stung so deeply
It was hard to carry on.

Walking side by side
Do you remember that morning
When you commented on how in sync we were
And you said
"Baby, we've found one another. We found each other."

I want to treasure you more
I want to accept and embrace you more
I want to let you lead
I want to stand next to your side
I want to grow with you.

We've talked about chapters,
Let's love our way into 3.

I started the journey at age 30
I wish I had started it much younger
But whats the point in regret
Whats the point in regret.

I finally got some help
And as my love and I said today
Trust the process
I can see slightly more clearly
Though the side effects I do think can be loud
I'm trying to follow my own boundaries
My own needs
My own health
But sometimes I think it all gets the better of me.

I'm still just so tired
From a big job
A big trip
A long *** tattoo appointment
And the mental exhaustion of so many voices and masked faces in my face
When we have barely all been together for a year.

This time last year I was in so much pain in Alabama
And I know thats all behind me now
I shed layers upon layers of skin
As my hair grows
As I finish my ink
As I run and lift deep
And take care of me.

I wonder when
It will get easier

My eyes are heavy
Heavy more often
The pills are a sudden new entity
Trying to better help me find ecstasy
And I'm just here tonight alone in the house
In the heart of Echo Park
Where the homeless sleep on the earth
The dogs left outside for far too long
Cry and coo into the day, into the night
And I'm eating mac & cheese
Thinking about watching more twin peaks
And the mighty, ravenous love I have to share.

He found a spot
For himself
For us
He's setting it up so nice
At such a good price
Little spice
Throwing the dice
On us
Why can't I ever just
Why can't I let that be enough?

Its been a tough road
And he often references the past
And I'm just trying to leave all of that behind
Acknowledge it and release it
I just want to start again
I just wanted to start again
I just want to start fresh with him.

We haven't really touched in so long
And it seems to always become about what I'm not doing
And I feel like this little tiny doll
Discarded, forgotten
And today I just laid in bed all day
Worked because I had to.

The world has never felt so lonely
In so many ways
And in moments I'm just like wow
I made it
We made it.

He's gonna do and get back at that good work on himself
It took me all day but I came around to getting back to that good work
On myself too
And I have to recognize
We all must recognize
Not anyone in this world ever gonna make us whole.

Rest
Rest is near
Kindness is always the answer.

My love
I know you are a good, good man.

You warm up like the touch
Of the California sunrise
Standing in the crowd all on your own
Glasses on, I know such a good good man
And a power I only want to glow
Deeply alongside you.

Your strength and fierceness hunts me
In my forest of thoughts
That sometimes surround me
Like a clamoring darkness
And there are moments
I still just can't believe you're finally here
In my life.

I walked up and down around the terrain
Able to so clearly see you walking alongside me
Shirt in hand
Wild dogs barking
Just one of the many moments
I knew it was you.

I know you were out there looking for me too
In all those times of your own darkness
Standing in the crowd
Your glasses on
Such a good good man.

We build and we dance along the insides
Of the most difficult time in the world
I wish I could figure out the perfect way
To really give you all of me
To really be your chosen special one.

Perhaps the wanting can ease up
I can continue to just trust that I am
Everything
That it was me you were looking for
As we both made our way through the forest
Until the day I approached you with such
A beckoning light
Because I took one look at you
And I felt your light too.

You are my chosen special one
My good
Good man.

And I, your good good woman.

Trudging through the day
Big enormous all consuming waves
Of dark smoke seize up
Like ravenous snakes they stretch
Their mouthes so wide
As to remind me of the bite
That bite always so near
When I get taken to a place
Of no longer being able to think
See
Or feel clearly.

Its the night before
Its the month of
Its a time my body associates
With being left
How do I
Surrender and allow myself to be
Graceful
Quiet
Athletic
So strong.

Writing
It does help to write again
I started a movie
And whenever I reach for you
It is often met with rebuttals
When I approach you with so much need
Showing you the torn parts of me
I'm still just trying to pat and heal
I'm still just kissing and caressing
I'm still just trying to admit exist
And let go of.

Night
You show yourself into the world with
Such clamor
Such, the rest is shut down feeling
Such so difficult in the time of
Masks and 6 feet feeling
I have no distractions
I have so few distractions
And he chalks up all of my episodes
All of my pain
All of my anger and sorrow
I somehow am brave enough to show him
He chalks them up as happening too many times
For his liking.

So now what?
Do I burn it all down into flames
As I have a time before
Or do I continue to let the unclear feelings pass
Write instead
Breathe instead
Continue to break down
Measure out
Identify
The way my soul and heart aches and ached
Today.

Its difficult to make him see
I'll never be able to get what I need
Out of any man
When I feel such ache

So how do I find and stable
That wild unicorn pink maned
Creature
In me?

So whats it going to be?

I have choices to make
And its so hard to see clearly these days
Its so hard to stay moving
Positive
I feel like I'm drowning in trying to keep up
In striving to remain hopeful
I feel like I've been abandoned and left so much
I feel like so many instances
Have chosen to turn away from me
It makes me just want to light it all
Myself on fire.

I reach and I reach
I reach and I reach
I'm always reaching, always hoping
To be met with love
Because I have so little to give myself
And things, people, instances
Leave me feeling like in that reach
Maybe somehow I'll get a different result.

So I exited the grid.
Turned my phone and messages off
I'm so sick of faking it
I'm so sick of pretending like I got this
I'm so tired of behaving like I actually care.

I showed up in LA
And the only real friend or solace I have
Is the sun
The dust
And looking up at the palms.

I always note their layer of shedded skin
And how its warm in Decemeber
I'm paying the highest rent I've ever paid
To be so far away from my love
I met right before I left
To have friends and the organization
With a clamoring heat
Turn away from me
In such a loud harmful way
I'm just doing all I can to lick my wounds
And somehow find positivity again.

I'm supposed to be writing a movie
I'm supposed to be pushing things forward
I need to do and be all these things
And I just feel mostly reduced to nothing.

I'm tired of listening to people talk about their demands
I'm sick of people playing out their own fears and desires
Through me
Like the little sponge I am
And I absorb every little second
It's what made me an incredible actress.

And the world may never know
Because somewhere along the way I decided
The world needed me controlling and creating
Those stories more than it needed me to
Be a beautiful haunting or humorous presence
On the screen.

So what now?

Thats the thought I always return to.
I'm the most alone I've ever been
And I don't need love to be my constant support
But I do need it to be my safe haven.

So now what?

That moment you go looking and gliding
Stumbling across
The photos, the words written with
In the visual land created by man
Screens and elevator hanging things
Its like
The sound of silence
After the altitude is so high
You should have drank more water
But in the last couple of hours
You just now stumble across
The love your love once proclaimed to have.

He's lived a full whole life
As you would only want him to do
But even so, my heart
A shadow starts to ensnare it
In the place you see another woman
Where you now are
And you somehow, must
Make peace with it.

He's ridden on his own horse
Down the banks of skeletons
I'd shot at them all a couple times or so
Left dry bones behind, couldn't see
I couldn't see.

Hand in hand
Your hand engulfs all of mine
My little thumb included
And we're both just brushing away the past
We're both just open eyed second by second
Showing up right now
Showing up
Right now.

We both feel an alienating jealousy
When we fear the other has possibly had more fun
Painted a picture as a whole already
How do we make peace with our pasts
In order to just be in the present.

You tell me goodnight tonight
With utmost love
And as I write
I feel a sad longing in my body
For you
Missing you
How difficult it is to be without you here
Though we know you'll be here alongside me
And I alongside you
So soon.

We acknowledge this time
Has a universal significance
So that we can both work on and be at peace
With ourselves, our work, the world
As we prosper
And can't wait to kiss
Caress
And see each other next.

You taste like hot coffee in the morning
And the beautiful eggs
You present to me
After you've had your daily ritual
Of preparing to be at your best
And its so sweetly you
I want holding me
I want touching me.

We met like ships in the night
I fondly tell people
Both in temporary Chicago living situations
In the concrete industrial city
Where we got some **** done
And discovered more
Discovered one another.

It feels so real and natural
Content, making plans with you
Making dreams with you
Building, growing, focusing on being present
I'm so in love with the all enveloping
And ever evolving, patient, and passionate
Love we share together.

I see you so soon.

At night
When the world goes quiet
And it's just me, the quiet, the slumbering of my kitty cat
Blue screens I try to
Descend slowly away from
Stuck in old patterns
Change place, change scene
The noises are still the same
And it's still just me with me
Whether my sweet love is there
Or my room mate retires to bed
I feel the lonely soulful sigh of night
And think, "well..we meet again."

I remember when I was a young girl
My father on some nights
Would be walking by mine and my little brother's bedroom
At night, past our bedtime
He would hear me
My vintage Barbie car radio on loud
And just me moaning, groaning, singing
Along to the sounds
Just trying to quiet down the silence.
I would find comfort in hearing the foot steps
Or the practicing of monologues from my big brother
Right above my room
Our dogs in the crate
You would have to so carefully tip toe past
Or one of them would go into a barking raging fit.

I come from a big white wooden house
With dark green shutters
Rocking chairs to match
And a pool that was so large, so vast
I'd swim from side to side
From side to side
My dainty feet effortlessly hitting the stones
In the secret garden
Where I whispered and led fairies
Drove my energy into imaginary beings
Frolicked with friends
Longed to be older
To be in love
To belong
Create
Somewhere.

My room was large
And I think back on it now
Wondering what my father has done with it
In that big old white house
The house, the pool
Their love would slowly dissolve into
When my brothers and I would leave
To go about our own lives, our own journeys.

I remember the sound of my father walking into the house
He always came through the laundry room
Right by my little brother and I
Right by the crates
Right where I closed my door
And had many of my very first experiences
As a young
Teen girl.

My family was my family
We wanted to be strong
Under placid smiles
Under lace veiled facades
Under the delicious food we ate
And the times and hard lessons
I learned
Growing and going
Growing and going.

It all feels like a distant dream now
That big white house with the green shutters
The treehouse they had built only to remove it
Because the neighbors complained
All of the animals
That played and entertained me
In the woods by my house
In the meadows I danced through
In the chicken I ate
As a growing
Going
Southern
Girl
Youth.

For the first time in my life
I feel like I have no career.

It all came to a halt
Suddenly and without warning
Just like
Stopped mid sea, mid stream
I was burning so quick so thick
Mask up, headed home till who knows when
Cameras stopped rolling
I tried to pour myself into scripts
No longer sure how to keep going
Submerged myself into a plethora of baths
I got to a place recently where I thought
Maybe, just maybe
Its so good for me to take a hiatus
Maybe, just maybe this break in time
Is a little piece of paradise.
Heaven.
Quiet.

I've gotten so much self esteem,
Identity captial
Off cha-ching-cha-ching
Web and video screens
Make me hum and sing
I want all the recognition
I want all the attention
I want all the status
Power
More power
More notice
Climbing up an invisible ladder
That's how I always saw it
That's how I always saw me
Forever longing and striving
To win

I'm not sure there is anything to win now
I don't really cash in the way I once did
I, like many of us
Have been stripped of the thing I got so much fuel
So much power out of
Into just being well
Myself.

Love, real, grounded love
Entered into my life
Before I made the biggest transition
Flying away yet again
This time from Chicago to LA
And that, that within itself is such a feat
Such a dream
But I just don't know where my future pay checks will be coming from
I don't know how I'll be able to afford to live the kind of life
I so badly want to live
I don't know how I'll reach the next level
I probably should enter more contests
I should write more
Do more
Work out more
Put myself out there more
Climb
Climb
Climb
No aspiration is too big
That's what I always felt
That's what I always believed.

But its quiet now
In the moments I invite in
Its no longer about reaching the next thing
Or checking off wins
Staying up late into the night working
(Though I sometimes still do)

The purpose of coming to LA
Was always to simplify
To specify
To let the loud loud sounds
The raging noise
Of anything insignificant subside
I don't have to compare myself to anyone
And its been so difficult
To watch other people have such large wins
When I feel like I'm just trying to
Catch my breath

And embark on this level up.

Your palms and fingers
Like strong metal mirrors trace my face
Pulling my hair away
You slip into the cloak I'm wearing
Like the wine out of a goblet I drink
Into the starless city night sky
And I needed to battle it out with you
I imagine in our time together
Who I am needs to be shown
Who the stronger of us is.

I've been so deep on this road on my own
My holographic drum echoing so loud
As I hit it back and forth
With neon pink claws
And an icy green desire
To release, to give, to empower, to elevate.

I'm a bossy *****
When I know what I want I go for it
With a sharp confidence
I've had to work so hard baby
To convince people they should trust me to lead.
I'm still in the midst of that journey
Question marks scaling the wind around me
I slashed and even still--
Slash through them with a mighty arrow, or sword
Whatever currently suits my fancy
Or feels innate.

I know for a long time
I haven't truly respected many of my past lovers
I've gotten so good at being on my own.

You came along
With such great care, to hold, to ground
You pour over my body like you could feast for days on end
I surrender myself to you
Even if I need to fight you at first
I've just spent so long fighting.

So now what?
Its nearly 3AM
My words, letters, I glisten within the feeling of releasing them
I know you said the weight for you wasn't there
But I hope you too,
Feel great care
And later reflect back on the words I gift to you
With that love within yourself you offer to me
Not because I need to prove myself to you
But because you are so capable of giving.

A lion
I'd been waiting to meet one.

What will it look like?

To choose palm trees
Ocean water
Hot sandy beaches
Vapor wave inside me
And right beside the sea.

What will it look like?
To let my hair continue to grow
Strong and long
To finish inking my arm
To sit in my power.

What will it look like?
To fly out to the next place
To start anew
To kick up holographic dust.

What will it look like?
To keep seeing and seeing
What I want and deserve.

What will it look like?
To just go for it all.

What will it look like?
To truly release myself from the grip
I've created within myself.

What will it look like?
To let myself no matter how hard things get
To have such a strong ground and soft core
And to flourish
Despite all obstacles.

What will it look like?
To let people who didn't choose to stay go
Remembering you did the best you could
And that who you are will not always
Play well with others
And that your own ego tries to convince you otherwise
But you wouldn't want to be for everyone
No, never darling.

What will it look like?
To sleep at a decent hour
To consume coffee in the daylight outdoors
To be surrounded by a holographic buzz
To stop apologizing for greatness, ambition
And allow just really
Truly allow
Myself to stand into and within the earth of the desert
With ease
With abandon

With gratitude.

Galaxies and whirling color above my head
The ceiling growing more empty
Womb like, a friend called it yesterday.

I've lost my voice just about
It is 2am, the wee hours
And I am awake with some kind of energy
Some kind of fear, worry
What a time of
Things so quickly changing
With zero notice.

Buzzing it all whisks and buzzes so fast
It whirls past me while I wade in the swamp
And I wonder where to turn to next.

I've always known I would once again
Go my own way
Noticing with quiet thunder
Noticing with quiet thunder
Those that clap and cheer ahead
And those that go quiet
Or maybe were quiet all along.

I'm not sure how to give anymore love than I give
Sometimes I feel so exhausted from the outpour
I've been thinking about
As a little girl
All the sketches, all the pretend
All of the moments to try and
Shine
Shine
Just watch me shine.

I've surrounded myself with people that seem to see me
I surround myself with knowing, feeling
Don't get too comfortable
You actually
Can't.

Sleep, sleep an activity that has never come easy to me
And has only gotten worse
With the pandemic
With wanting to do better
With moving forward
With feeling behind
With.

Its alright
Its alright
Its alright
I try to talk to myself with love
I remind myself I deserve love.

I wonder if you remember the night
When not that long ago
You nervously choked down beers
I sat in a red tube top
My hair beginning to grow.

It was that very same day
I acknowledged Alex was never coming back
No he was never coming back
For me.

I want newness
I don't want to entertain the past
Anymore
As I imagine it'll be you that comes across me first
It'll be you that spots me first from afar
With my bright blonde hair
And ability to make you feel.

I wonder what you think
When you think on me now
And how hard you shut the door
How loud you let me know
You didn't want to kiss me
Or be there for me
You were always better
Remotely.

Behind screens
I still think of you
As the man behind a screen
And I've gotten so strong in this time
I've been through so much during this time
Especially because
I did it all without you.

I wonder if we will ever see one another again
And I think of all of the men
I never saw again
Or if I did
How my whole body lit on fire
And I just have had to move on along
Let you mean nothing to me in the end.

Its been such a hard time for us all
I used to lament the feelings I felt
When I tried to convince
When I tried to maintain
When I hurt myself by staying with you
Or you.

Growth
Its no easy task
But I surrender to it with a knowing sigh
A little a lot
In time.

A reminder of
All the calendar reminders
I started setting for us
You started setting for us
You tried to help me
You helped me
Organize my life
Over technology
A little bit better
A little bit cleaner.

You're gone now
I let you go quite some time ago now
And right before I left
I think I knew that was it
Like I wouldn't know when I'd be back.

Sometimes late into the night
My photographic memory
Will take on, embrace
The final words I wrote to you
And how you never had anything to say back.

Ally
You think yourself some kind of
Heroic tatted up
Ally.

I introduced you at the table of my life so early
And I know now its because I think I was in
Some kind of
Hurry.

I would
We would
I would
Often bring up thoughts, ideas
The need to move away
And we always ran into walls
You were always taking me by the head
And leading me into walls.

So of course I let that desire go
I remember when I told you
I remember when I told any man I loved
I'd stay a little longer
And how they didn't say much back
But I could see everything I needed to see
In their eyes.

Once you were gone
My freedom hit me like the light from my windows
I immediately accepted it
I immediately wanted it
Even after you said to me
"What will you do to change and become more what I want?"

Its all really happening now
And I've spent so much time
Holding myself in the midst of a global pandemic
Learning how to self soothe
Leaning onto the friends that I have that are the strongest
And making plans for me
That can't really quite be plans just yet.

I got questioned a couple of times yesterday
About how I am no one
I've gotten questioned plenty of times
Throughout my life
About how I am no one.

But I know I am not no one
And fear sometimes grips me so tightly
At all I do not know
At all I have not done
At all I have failed
And I know I am only intersted
In here on out
In only surrounding myself with people
Committed to understanding, I too,
Am a work in progress.

I know that wasn't you
I know baby, that couldn't be you
And I forgive you for every ounce
Of disappointment and pain you can't admit to
Not for you
But for the goodness and determination
Of me.

I know you had a hard time
Accepting me exactly as I am

And for that I forgive you
And mostly I forgive myself
For the fact that I couldn't accept you exactly as you were
We both know thats exactly
What this was all about.

Remember when the world
Was running a hundred miles a minute
I remember when I needed weekly numerous
Moments of self care
Massages, face masks, baths
Singing and crying out for me
Rest rest rest rest rest.

Remember when the world
We didn't wear visible masks
But just masks covering up our insides
Thinking our productivity, more money
More accomplishments
Would raise us on up to the top?

Remember when the world
Had us clocking in hours upon hours
Like forgotten chalk
On the side walk
Long forgotten by the child
Once summer time drew to a close
Thats how it feels
In the world now.

Remember when the world
Had less to bond over?
When our classes, all our divisions
Told us how different we were
And we couldn't seem to feel empathy
For anyone other than ourselves?

Remember when the world
Was up and running
As fast as lightning
And no dream seemed impossible
Less bathrobes, more driving?

Remember when the world
Didn't have a moment to recoup
To bring us to a mighty halt
And though I know, I can feel it
We all want it to end
I hear the voices of my friends
My CoWorkers
Slowly growing drearier
And the reminder rings like a bell
But not a forceful bell
Dinging and singing of
Get back to it, hop back in
But a bell of
Nothing will be the same
It will indeed, all look different

More rest
More clean air
More encouraged distance
More time


And for that we will all be better.

It was you
Who last held me
It was you who
Last kissed my lips
As if I knew
This was really it.

I remember the way
I sauntered spontaneously to the bar
Dressed like
Someone not from there
And the look in your eyes
When you saw me again
For the first time.

I spent a lot of time
Mourning the loss of you
As it became clear
You were not interested
In keeping up with me
In a kind way, baby
No you had no interest
In staying here on land
Or in the sea
With befriending
Lil ole me.

I don't think I was either
Though sometimes I tell myself otherwise
And I imagine you
In your jet black room
Just like who you were
As I told you
In one of my last texts.

I wonder if you go back
And revisit my poems
Looking for some kind of understanding
Letting a wash of feeling
Glide over your mind
Your desperately thin frame
And the little big things about you
It was so clear I wanted to change.

It became about
Who you needed me to be
But I think all that time
All this time
It was you, you weren't happy with
And I know it baby
I could read it all over your face baby
And I tried to build respect
Into mountains of love
Because you showed up and I thought
Well hell, why not.

Its taken me quite some time
To get to a place of romantic peace
It is the most quiet it has ever been
And in moments I feel so starved of affection
Knowing full well I could get it in little fleeting moments
Over dms
Over technology
As I explain to an LA girlfriend
With a boyfriend she met
Through screens
That I just don't know
If thats really for me
But thats what everyone does
Thats what everyone does
I guess I'll see
If I can just live and be cosmic.

I know how social and out in the world I am
And for this city
When time brings me there as it is meant to
I don't want to show up looking for a man
I want to live so good and well
And drink up the juices and tea of newness
And let the cosmos decide my fate.

So what is it now
Nothing to be said or done
Just hiking into the darkness
Of an unprecedented time.

You've been slipping and sliding into my mind
As I feel the heaviness, the weight
Your absence, though I have befriended it
The silence of you shutting the door
When I hoped we'd be able to maintain
Some kind of
Peace
I guess I always think I want that
But with you, with you in particular
I often would reflect on how
We would have been better off
As just friends.

So here I have found myself again
I was getting to a good spot
Of releasing, standing on my own
Working through the moments of pain
And I'm hiking through the forest in darkness
No light in hand.

I hear the birds coo and caw
Chirp out my window
Everyone inflates themselves
Like a blow up doll
Or like that old clown punching bag
My brothers and I used to hit
With joy, with merriment, with catharsis
As children.

Its time for more coffee
Time to get something to eat
I forgive myself
And acknowledge the list of expectations
The list of wrong doings
The lists utilized to cause suffering
Change?
I'm not sure
But I do see a common thread here
And I do my best to not
Drink it up like weary dust
And just acknowledge

You don't know until you know
And often times
More times than probably not
People are not your people.

So what is there to do now?

All this space, all the fractals
Appeared and hovered
I watched them like holographic
Pastel
Or an ink blot black
Fly me high up into the sky
With a profound perspective
A knowledge that sometimes
Many times
You have to go your own way.

Nothing looks quite like I thought it would
And I'm here in the Alabama sunshine
Just trying to believe in my grit
Just knowing I've gotta fight for whatever is next.

I try to find peace and clarity
The hallucinations and sparkling moving lights
Watching plants extend and reach
For me, for mine
It breathed life into me
How quickly things can change
So you really cannot depend on anything.

I'm sometimes over here
Wondering oh where, oh where
I'd been crying the name out
Of a man I know not
And sometimes I fear its just going to be a parade
Of never finding
Never choosing
Never being chosen.

Its never easy to see another one go
I comfort myself with words of reminders
And acknowledge the points within which
I feel drained like a rain cloud
******* me dry
And I look for happiness in other things
Today I mostly just laid in my bed
And in moments missed my ex's.

I wonder if they think of me
Think of me deeply
In this utterly strange
Severally cinematic time
And I believe the answer to that
Is a very loud
Thunderous
And colorful
Yes.

I release the spirit of the wanting
The spirit of the darkness I've been letting hold me hostage
I saw the glow and confusion
Of devices
And the hold they create on us all
In our day to day.

Its so hard to know where to go from here
As Sufjan reminds of Chicago's
Cold bitter resilient beauty
And I gaze out my window
Knowing its gonna be okay
Its gonna be okay.

I didn't know
What it meant
To be let go of so hard
Until you shoved me away
With such clapping
I heard the sounds of hands
Colliding
And grieved the loss
Of an audience member
I just wanted to hold space
Time
Refuge
Longevity
And that was never
Would never
Could never
Be you,
Sweet Cole.

I wonder if you like my friends photos
I wonder if you talk to them
I wonder if you think sweet
Or sad thoughts on me
The girl you pushed away.

Do you remember the first photo we took together?
I do.
Neon Summer
And we walked back
As you complained about your ex
And I remember
When I first agreed to be your partner
Proposed it even
And I figured
Why not
He's shown up
He's shown up
And at that time
I really needed that
And maybe that was just enough.

Its much quieter in my world now
Though drama seems to rear its head
In a new place
And I just long for silence
I just long for respect
I just long for the ease
That I very seldom have felt
And I know I'm ready
I've never felt so ready
For whatever is next.

I suppose the trick now is
To figure out how to let you love me
From afar
And not in the way I need
And knowing there is nothing more
To be done about it.

Oh, what I would do to a library.
Upon entering I would drink in the very smell
The quiet solitude thats so chosen
When one enters a place to read
To be alone with text.

I would sink watering claws
Into the fibers of pages
I would place my face
Into the paper
And lick among the buttery text
Aware of what I'd been missing
The research would be cooing my name
Just like, gain a new thing or two
Leave my crevices more fulfilled.

Like the morning you leave a new lovers bed
And feel that morning glow gain.

Oh, what I would do to a library?
I would record the images of the covers
In my mind
I would slip soundlessly, yet so softly
Into the visual images
My brain and only my brain
Could portray.

Oh, what I would do to a library?
With painted hands, I'd touch every surface
Letting the books call out to me
Letting the titles tantalize me
Until I found a corner
With which I'd sit and
Engulf the airiness of the romantic nature
Of spending time alone
In a lonely yet poetic
Place within which
The hovering feeling of collected words
Took me in its embrace.

I wonder sometimes
If you bother to
Look at me
On the social media plane
The only plane
We the world
Can only connect with
At this point.

In the midst of the quarantine
I start braiding my hair again while its wet
My skin tans
I try to get my eyes to feel less
Tired.
My mom and I box dyed my hair
I record the many big little
Moments
In my mind
In my heart
Thinking
For later use.

And I know in so many ways I'm so lucky
I know I'm so lucky.

I am aware of the parts
That do sting like a bee
And I recognized I betrayed myself again
For a moments time
I do allow myself to get wrapped up in the drama
Of what is and what is not
And fear the unknown
The queen of making grand plans
Fearing all the question marks
That now sing and echo my name
Our names
Louder than ever.

I suppose there is a tiny bit of comfort
In the fact theres no real reason to
Feel FOMO
Everyone sits on their couch
In their house
I ring the bells of the sun
I paddle and try to convince myself
To go on walk jogs
Because the truth is
I just haven't been feeling
Super so into myself
And what I'm capable of
Lately.

So tonight
I sit in bed
With a paper towel of pumpkin coffee cake
And a glass of cognac
My wet hair in short soft braids
My mind as always
Trickles and slips over to you
And I see you fading and becoming
More & more distant
Just like they always do in a break up
And I wonder if you think on me often too
If between the pressing of buttons
On screens, on video games
On the places you hide so well
If you hear my voice
See my name, you once spelled out so often
And remember the way I tried to love you best
Intimately
Quietly
And yet with such strength.

I've been seeing this quote a couple times now
And essentially it reads:
Someone can love the way you love them more than they actually love you
And I wonder if that was us
I wonder if that was you
I wonder if really
That was me.

Its been an interesting exercise
When I think back on all the insecurity, fear
The feeling of whether or not I was enough
How I worried and griped about it all
And I knew it a bit then
And I certainly can see it more clearly now
But I think if I switch those nouns
Well, we know the rest.

I'd been chasing boys like you since I was 13 years old
I wanted to date so far so outside so dark so deep
Outside of myself
So that I could feel more alive
So that I didn't have to face the truths of myself
So that I could settle and be the better half.

I don't think that will be my reality anymore
And I sometimes have wondered if I will live a life
Of experiencing a series of people
Rather than being able to just find and choose and be chosen
By just a one.

I suppose life can be whatever you want it to be
And you can make what you want happen
I've proven that again and again
And I do hope the flames within me can simmer down
To a soft strong burn
And that an equal soft strong burning flame
Can fabulously
Mightily
And without question
Or settling
Or the need to qualify and quantify and convince myself
Its right
Can find its way to me.

I remember how
Irritated you would get with me
When I couldn't decide what movie or show to watch
You'd show me trailers
We'd finally settle on something you wanted me to see.

I remember the night
You were experiencing a week of deep depression
You would later thwart onto me
I brought over take out
Your favorite
So afraid of losing you
Walking on glass
Because you couldn't handle
How I needed you there
How I shared my plights with you
It was just always too much.

We tried to watch your favorite movie
We didn't make it far
I couldn't stomach the violence
That was about to occur
To a helpless female character.

I remember you tried to argue with me about it
I voiced just needing you to let it go
And it was in that moment
I could feel you pick you
Over me.

I don't blame you for choosing yourself
I don't blame you for needing boundaries.
I blame you for not communicating
I blame you for not sharing your intimacy
I blame you for not being vulnerable
I blame you for not knowing how to stand up strong next to me
I blame you for being mean.

I know I'll be processing this one for a while
As I move on along
As I move on along again
Without you.

You never wanted to hear
The words from my mouth
My body
You’d rather silence me
Because silence is the place
You feel most alone.

You silenced me one last time
Trying to wound me with one final move
But I cry no tears for you now
Though I actually meant no harm
And you could have seen that
You could have felt that
If you released your blades and guns.
Over screens, it’s all been done and gone
Over technological screens
I started to believe you didn’t even happen.
Until I saw the way your eyes glittered at my entrance in the cold winter bar.
And I guess there was no other way
For it to end than that
And I take in the heat of the world, the panic
The bad news echoing slowly around us
Hoping and manifesting for it to get better
For the pain around us to subside
It brought me back to you
Can’t you see?
It brought me to you.


And I tried to fall asleep
Feeling relief
Perhaps that’s the best bet.
Maybe it’s best to banish each other away.
But even still I hope it doesn’t last forever
I never wanted to be your enemy
Or someone you deny
Forever.

I’ve been trying to tell myself
Since you don’t have the ears to hear it
That it is definitely just too soon
And I know you felt like I was attacking you
And maybe I was.



I can’t pretend to be at peace with you
We cannot seem to be kind to each other for very long
The hole you left in my life
The clarity of who you will never be for me
It’s so loud
I’m still just trying to accept the noise.


I know it’s time to let go of communication with you now
And I’ve been doing my best to do just that
But we once talked everyday
And the feelings you gave me
And I gave you
It’s all still there
And it reverberates
With a loud pang
When you shove me down
When I shove you down
When I worry you want to hurt me
When you do things to hurt me
Even if you can’t see it
Even if you deny it.

“No more words”
He said
I am a poet
An activist
A director
A beacon of hope and light
There is no world that I exist in
Where I live a life
Of no more words.

You describe me putting **** on you
Like someone unaware of how to even specify and verbalize what their boundaries are
You cannot silently expect anyone to understand what your needs are
And you cannot perform micro-aggressions to someone like me and expect me to play along.

I hope you are gifted the absence and silence of me you so claim to crave.

But just know:

You will see me and hear my name everywhere.
You will watch my movies on your computer and in the theatre.
You will see my commercial ads pop up when you watch a show
You will see my face on red carpets and tv shows
And remember the girl you begged to be silent
You will remember the girl you blocked for speaking up
You will remember the girl you couldn’t bother to email back
You will remember the girl you pushed when she tried to embrace you
You will remember the girl you proclaimed to love, made drunken mentions of getting back together
You will remember how you apologized in one moment only to continue to add suffering the next
You will remember how you lied.

And how you walked a vivid red I know you won’t ever forget, home late into the night
Only to ultimately ask her to disappear from your life.

So mote it be.
And that, that right there
Those are my final last words to you.

And even still I say,

Be well.

I know we weren't ever going to figure it out
But that doesn't cease the pain I feel
When I think on you.

What to do on the nights alone?

It is nearly 1AM
I always have such ambitions
To go to bed early.

Sometimes when I'm up late at night
I think there is a whole world to be had
Even did all the right healthy things
Tonight.

But yet again,
Here I am
Fighting the urge
Though I am in bed
To surrender
Let go
Give up for the day
And get sweet slumber at long last.

Once I am deep in it
I do not want to leave
I awake most days
With hazy tired eyes
That only coffee can immediately cure
And I think with an annoyance
If only I were a morning person.

There is something about the night
And the act of the days when you do make yourself rise early
Hit the gym
Before loud sounds and voices
Are interested and wanting so much
Before you are interested and wanting so much
Rest, heal now

Rest, heal now.

Why is it
At the peak of the night
When the rest of the world
Has finally become quiet
That there are some moments
Some hours
Some minutes
Some seconds

Where I think on you
Or you
A past, present, or future
You
And the loneliness
The letting go
Of you
And you
And all my past you's
There ever was
Starts to feel and sing
And hum
So loud?

I'm able to move on through
The wallowing, the pain
The missing of something
That is now so many levels of
No longer.

And I see everyone around me
Still continue
To mostly
Hang onto their hat.

And I know
I know
Their journey not mine
But its at the peak of the night
When I have chosen to be all on my own
All on my own
When I am not sure how I will spend the rest of the night
And I usually waste my time on my phone
That I'm acutely aware

I haven't found my person yet.

Sometimes I stay up late
Just hoping and waiting for the memory of you to go away.

I could reread all of the words
That we exchanged through
Technological screens
But it don't mean anything
No it don't mean anything
Not anymore.

It started out just like that
Can't you look back
And see all the ways I tried to make it fit
I tried so hard to make it fit.

I think of so many words, phrases
Melodies, hymns, songs
To tune us into the melody to
To tune us into the melody to.

I've got to go and face an element of my past tomorrow
I've got to wear a brave face
I'm always having to.

I know you thought
You wanted
You said you wanted
To be by my side
But can't you see the ways
You denied it
You forced it

I don't really have a lot of new words
Or beautiful poetry to write
About you or this
I just move on

Thats all there is to do.

It's nearly 7pm
Its peaceful and I'm hung over
Listening to tunes
Bobbing my head to
The sound of a new song
A friend recommended me.

A boy texts me
My friends all rallying around me
Like beautiful mermaids
We're out here crooning our songs
We're out here humming along.

My hair is ***** and the waves within it
Growing alongside the roots of trees
I believe in freedom, I believe in me.

I admit that Sundays have become
A little bit harder
There is an element of feeling bothered
I wonder if water
If the water leaks from the
Trunks of your eyes
When you think back on
Snapping me in front of
Paintings
That looked just like
That resembled me.

I feel your absence
I know you do too
But its time to go on
Its been time to go on.

I go on.