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i wonder if the doors in the house you grew up in
started slamming themselves to save your father the trouble.
i wonder if you can remember the last time you prayed,
and if you had trouble unfolding your hands.
i wonder if your mother knows
about the collection of hearts you hide in your closet,
i wonder if she could tell mine apart from the rest.
i wonder if your shoes know the reason why
you keep them by the back door and not your bedside.
and sometimes, i wonder
if you ever think about that night when i told you,
you wouldn't need to drink so much if you had me.
but it seems like we only speak when you've got body on your brain,
whiskey in your glass,
your judgement is overcast,
and you know i'm too weak to ignore you.
i learned how to translate your texts
from drunken mess back into english.
i am fluent in apology, but i don't ask you for them anymore.
this is just how it is.
it's not enough for either of us
but ******* it we are not above settling.
so i will ignore her name on your breath,
and you will ignore the fact that this means something to me.
i always thought the first time i kissed you,
it would be on your mouth.
i just wanted to be something warm for you to sink into,
something that could convince you to stay a second night.
but i sneak you out in the early morning,
and you take a piece of my pride with you when you go.
i am left to nurse the hangover from a wine i've never tasted,
wondering how this is possible.
waiting for the next drunk call,
for the next time i get to pretend we are lovers,
the next time i get to live out the fantasy i am most ashamed of.
it is the one in my head where you want me when you're sober too.

- m.f.
The caterpillar was of many steps,
The millipede was of many more,
Both were
Long,
Rhymed
Feet
Did collectively tap dance on the floor,
They thought to have a race
Millipede said,
I have feet that move swift and fast"
"While you have many less"
"This is a Race that'll be over fast"  
The race would start around four,
Tick,
Tock,
Tick,
Tock,
So the millipede did wait,
And wait,
Waiting some more,
The race was to the top of the tree,
Milli as her friends called her,
Cat,
Caterp,
Caterpillar
Where, when will this race start anew
Then upon a stick,
Do
Not
Disturb
Milli gave a funny look,
Cats friend said
"She was resting before the race began"
So Mille said to each and those around,
"Wake me when she comes around"
And so the day ended a new one began,
And as it approached four once again,
A yawn heard from inside,
As Milli did run as quick as she could
Ok start the race,
"Ribbit"
Shouted the frog
The race did begin,
And many feet did move, dust seen as
These many feet did move like the wind,
Cat did wake and stretched out wide
As her wings caught sunlight
Am I late, did it begin,
Beauty,
Colour,
Grace
Was seen with each flap of her wings,
In to the air she did gently glide
As for Milli
She laughed
"HaHaHaha"
As she reached the roots of the tree,
"No one is faster on there feet but me"
Cat took her time
Floated,
Glided,
Soared*
High with the wind, her delicate touched
Bark and leaf, crossing the finish line
Upon delicate Feet,
Moments later Mille appeared
"Who"
"Are"
"You"
Milli confused at what was seen,
"I am Cat its plain to see"
And Milli angrily said
"This isn't fair"
"Cheated am me"
"Never cheated, with feet i crossed"
"Its only because you saw on the outside|"
"Not what was truly me"
And Milli did speak quietly
"I judged you less"
"I judged you weak"
"All because I had more feet"
I will learn this lesson well,
"It is not always what is seen on the outside"
"It is what is on the inside that counts"
You had beauty where i saw none,
But now you stand before me and
"I am sorry"
For the way I treated you,
Can we still be friends
Cat did answer we were always Friends, silly milli,
So milli ran and cat flew off,
lessons now learned on how to treat me and for me to *treat you.
What's most frightening
Is I adore you most
With your hands around my neck
I hope you don't understand me,
hope I remain something mysterious to you,
hope you romanticize me into something complex rather than a body and a series of chemical reactions,
I hope I can fool you into believing that I mean more than what I say,
hope you write about me and analyze it to find some sort of answer,
hope you look for symbolism in the way I do my makeup,
hope you think me into a work of art and spill it from your veins,
I hope I burn on the way back out,
hope you have scars on your fingers from trying to dissect me,
hope I make you nervous,
hope you think about how to phrase things before you say them around me,
hope you ask every question strategically,
hope you think I know exactly what you're up to,
I hope you play word games with me to see how my mind works,
hope you still can't grasp it,
hope I'm always close enough to touch but not to get a firm grip on,
hope you dig yourself into a hole walking in circles to get a better view of me,
hope you never say my name for fear of manifesting the sound incorrectly,
hope you have no ******* clue what any of this means,
I hope you never understand me
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