there is nothing poetic about the way i take up space

i need to drown in your scent
to be engulfed in your presence
to melt in your arms
and become one with you

im getting better
but im scared for the downfall

i wish youd let me go
so id stop hurting you

i wish youd let me go
so you dont have to see me in pain

i wish youd let me go
so you could get better

i wish youd let me go
so i stop hurting us

i wish you stay
so we get better together

old friend
my blade
once again
like before

theres this ache in my heart
it never goes away
not fully
only dulls

i tried to cut it out

that didnt work

i tried to burn it out

that didnt work

i tried drown it in pills and alcohol

that didnt work

so

at last

i tried to **** it

took out my blade
went to work with it
as i had many times

took out my bottle
and felt the familiar warmth spread throughout my body

and finally
took out the pill bottle

took them all within two swallows

and i decided that wasnt enough

so i took the bottle of cough syrup

chugged that

and went to bed

write letters adressing the closest people in your life
feel bad that you cant write them all letters
try to reassure them that it wasnt anyones fault
that it was bound to happen sooner or later
say sorry over and over again
tell them not to throw you a funeral
to donate your body
clean your room
and everything else you can
make sure there isnt any loose ends
give away your stuff
theyll need it more than you
hang out with them one last time
then
lock your door
lock everything and everyone out
you cry but you know you must do this
take the pills
every last one
no matter how much you gag, they all must go
turn off your light
turn off your phone
and go to bed
one
last
time

i see how much pain i put you through
dont think i dont
i just dont know how
to not hurt
and hurt those
around me

i try to make myself smaller
hoping that
itll change something

and i want to tell you
to get clean
but how can i?
when i cant even do the same myself

and i love you so much
and i hate myself
for causing you distress

sometimes i think of letting you go
but i dont want you to do something rash

even though itd be better for you
to not have me

im selfish

and greedy

and i want you
in the most innocent way possible
i want you to hold me
to put me back together
to tell me that im beautiful
and i dont need to hide
that i dont take up too much space

that well both work on it
together

please.

it stings
but thats the price i pay
for doing bad things

again

will it ever stop?

will i ever stop?

itll stop when the world stops spinning
they say it gets better
to wait it out
itll stop when i stop breathing

shes beautiful
shes hurting
i wish i could tell her what i thought

it hurts
to see her in so much pain
but for her not to come to me

but

i guess

im a hypocrite

guilty of the same sins
and it pains me

to be

to be putting her through
this much pain

just because

im selfish
and cant let go
but cant hold on

just there
not living
not dying

looking
out of my eyes
through frosted glass