I've been attending my funeral
In this new reoccurring dream
It seems even my subconscious
Is growing tired
Of this Low self esteem
And the man behind the gun
Is just the man in the mirror
I've even started praying to god
That  this muddled vision of my future
Might become a little clearer
Because this gift I've been given
Is like a malnourished seed
All this time waiting for flowers or trees
But left there at my headstone
Just a pile of weeds

If I stay, one more night
you have to promise...
promise me you will fight.
If I stay, one more day
you have to promise...
not to think of her that way
If I stay, one more week
you have to promise...
to fulfill the love I seek
If I stay one more year...
you have to promise..
you will wipe away my every tear
If I stay, If I stay forever
you have to promise me....
An infinity together.

Fill my cup
     with your scent
   Let me drown
           in your essence
               I'm dying
           of thirst
And you're the only
      sustenance
On which
      I can thrive
   And finally
        *Feel alive

I feel smaller than usual.
Not the average quote
"why are you so small"
Not the daily struggles to reach the top shelf..
No. I felt smaller inside myself.
I tried to grasp the feeling and give it meaning
but the more I tried to understand,
the more it slid between my fingers.
I would sit in isolation.
Burying my thoughts deeper and deeper in the abyss I call my mind.
I couldn't get out.
I'd pace, thinking of a excuse of why I act so.
My mind wouldn't repress.
Everything began to hit me at once.
Hard
It worked its way through my skin, my blood, then to my bones.
At that moment. I became small.
Avoiding thoughts of any kind was forbidden.
When you're small.
Your body wakes up small.
And falls asleep small.
You can feel it in every ounce of your body,
burning away every other feeling you were feeling then and now.
I can't say I am okay.
I can't say you'll become yourself again.
Because I'm not.
I'll always feel and always be
*small