I cried for you last night again,
...and swore it'd be the last
Then as I slept I dreamt of you,
...and tears fell twice as fast

Strange feelings swim inside me,
confusing and alert.
Prodding me to make a move;
assume, affirm, assert.

Yet these tones only arise
within the realm of me.
I'm building solid structures
from only misery.

Misery imagined
Misery, elusive
Why do I question everything
being inconclusive  

Like happiness backfiring
scrutinizing itself
to pick apart perfection
and pity all the wealth

To find a problem buried
where graves have not been laid
and ravish in the thinking
I should be getting paid

I'll sit and whisper to myself
I should be getting more
of everything completely
as if love is but a chore

He tells me things I know.
The things my heart is saying.
Why does the mind escape the heart
all certainty decaying?

But he is right
and I am wrong
I love all of this man.
Expectation kills livelihood
He does everything he can

Overthinking hurts
when none of it is true.
We cannot build reality,
fake disappointment--brewed.

So holding hands with him
and I love you's ARE enough.
The feeling IS the knowing.
Uncertain, true and tough.

As If I Were A Stone

Sometimes the night is silent
     as if I were alone,
And as heavy as a sinking cloud
     as if I were a stone.
Crushing feelings, not seeming real
     as if they were a dream,
And as frightening as a nightmare
     goading me to scream.

Sometimes the morning taunts me
     as if I were a child,
Shining bright as a funny clown
     as if he always smiled,
Playing tricks with my sanity
     as if I were a fool,
Yet as loving as a reluctant friend
     kicking like a mule.

Sometimes the day judges me
     as if I were the accused,
People come and people go
     as if they were confused,
Ignoring me with their scrutiny
     as if I could avoid
A million eyes nailing me down
     keeping me paranoid.

Sometimes my life seems normal
     as if I were the sky,
Drifting by like a summer cloud
     as if a cloud could fly,
But sinking like the coming darkness
     as if I were a stone
Plunging me into silent sleep
     where I will weep alone.

Sometimes the night is silent........

© RJVHorton2015

I wished you happy birthday, and washed up on the island of lost love. When was it that we fell out of sync? I want to retrace each moment, pin point the exact place in time where you looked at me and saw someone else. Where you stopped opening your eyes at all when I was underneath you. I know these truths are the hard ones, but I need to know. I wished you happy birthday and I didn't say that I loved you. It was hard, like talking to a friend and noticing that they have something stuck in their teeth. Do you say something or not? I've got all of your promises stuck in my teeth. All the toothpicks in the world wouldn't help. Maybe I'm keeping them like souvenirs for when you decide you mean them again. I wished you happy birthday, and you said thank you. Why do our conversations look like two people speaking who have never even been in love? Do you remember? All the long nights, all the first times, all the last times. I don't think I could ever forget. I wished you happy birthday, and I couldn't help myself, I had to ask. "Was I first?" there's something reassuring about asking questions you already know the answers to. But I can't help hearing that children's song dancing in the back of my brain. "First is the worst, second is the best," but second isn't best. I was so consumed with being your first, you being my first, that I forgot the most prominent childhood truth. First is the worst.
I wanted to be your last.

A poor person from a poor background,
to his family and work hes always bound.
10p an hour keeps the hunger at bay,
his brothers and sisters constantly pray.
Money and food was always an issue,
but this person would come home without the tissues,
not a single tear left his eyes,
this poor person was certainly wise.
a smile on his face whenever he came back,
he'd come home and put down his rucksack.
take the few coins he'd earned in the day,
then for his brothers and sisters he'd pay.
He was determined to get them food,
even if his bosses were really rude.
he paid no heed to their cruel words,
but instead listened to the birds.
there song so beautiful like music to his ears,
when listening to them he'd forget his fears.