My existence flickers,
but only in my own mind-
I seem to be forgetting reality,
and the memories I've captured
are finding ways to escape the jar.
I chase them through the dew-speckled fields,
but they deceive me every time.

And sometimes I stop,
and fling myself to the ground -
roll to face the stars,
and nearly drown in my own tears,
and ask

"Why?"

I'm heartbroken over the news of Chester Bennington's suicide. He's been my inspiration for years. You will be missed, Chazzy Chaz. <3

When I was a kid,
The world was a sparkling diamond,
And I was fascinated by the iridescent sparkles.
Then I grew up,
And everything shattered.

It's been a while
since I've felt this sting–

A good friend was taken too soon,
lured by the temptation of darkness

It circles in my head,
round and round again

Why, and how, and what if–
A thousand times, what if?

I have to keep breathing,
don't get lost in the waves

This cannot consume me.

I don't
understand
myself
anymore.
I think
I'm blurry,
nothing
is
clear
right now.
I think
my color is
faded,
incorrect,
the wrong shade of me.
I think
I need
to
be
redefined,
made clear.
Can someone
clarify
me?

The darkness,
seething darkness,
has returned.

I have done more
than simply fall in,
let myself drown.

I have gathered it up,
and worn it as a cloak.
The pain is my protection.

What can you say
to break through
my fog and stormclouds?

Hold me close, please,
Hold me close and don't let go
I just want to breathe you in
(I could get high just by breathing you in)
I just want to breathe you in
Hold me close and, please, please,

**Don't let go

This time I managed to dodge
the terrible heartbreak bullet.

Dark room,
full of thoughts,
daylight threatening
from the edge

Words float here,
ghosts on the walls,
remembering everything
we'll never forget

Dreams hang low
from the ceiling,
faint spiderwebs that glisten
amongst the dusty cobwebs

Don't grab them, don't pull;
those threads are still so fragile,
and these burdens weigh us down.

Whisper to them,
watch them shiver,
trembling from the sounds
of tired voices

One day at a time,
repeat the motions,
smile and nod,
survive.

Over and over again
we step forward
and fall back,
staring at the clouds

Just fall asleep here,
just for now;
it's time for a little break
from the endless mud.

It seems that,
rather than hiding from it,
I have learned to
hold hands
with the darkness.
A cold grip,
but no colder
than my own.

Crimson
Scarlet
Sunset red
Blood has been spilled, lost, and shed

Dove-wing
Storm cloud
Sad, sad gray
Fog tries to hide the light of day

Diamond
Snow
Pale white skin
Paper is meant to hold words within

Blood red
Fog gray
Paper white
The only colors I see until the night

Everything is glowing like
Xmas, but there are no
Presents, there is only the
Looming cloud of death, hanging
Over us all, casting a gruesome
Shadow that no one can escape.
It reaches out a single hand, resting its fingers
On the earth. Suddenly,
N**othing exists anymore.

you slowly push
my doubts away,
and every day
that we talk
i feel the hole fill.
the universe
might finally be kind
to my aching heart.
could you really be
the comfort
i’ve been seeking?

Two chairs, so alone
But, no, they are not alone
They are together.

The firmness of reality
is dissolving in my hands
I'm losing my grip on this, the truth
and it's hard to keep my feet planted
firmly on the concrete of what's known
But somehow I am standing in quicksand,
no longer solid gray stone
I'm not sure what is happening here,
I don't why I'm slipping away
But I hope someone can catch me
Before I vanish with the day.

You put the static back into my body -
the kind that gives me life.
Holding your hand
was such a comfort,
and I didn't want it to end.

What is love?
Love is fear, and love is joy, pure and true.
Love is sacrifice, letting go,
And love is holding on for dear life.
Love is gentle, and love is rough;
Love is light, and love is dark.
Love is a butterfly kiss,
and love is teeth against your lip.
Love is a juxtaposition, opposites combined;
It doesn’t make any sense,
but that’s what makes it so perfect.

Anxiety gnaws at me,
and it’s hard to keep control.
I won’t let it drive you away.
I won’t let my fear
wrap chains around your wrists -
I have to let you breathe,
and maintain my own breathing
at the same time.

I can breathe,
I can control this.
I can keep us safe.

You lift
my heart
into the very center
of the universe
and fill it
with a cosmic magic
that gives me fresh life.

The tide has crashed
over my head—

I had my back turned,
I thought I was safe
but I was wrong.

I’m drowning,
flailing,
unsure of which way is up.

Everything is hitting me
all at once.

I was fine an hour ago.
I was fine.
I was.

But the tide doesn’t care.

And suddenly
everything is crowding
in my head
And I’m a mess again
just like I always
will be
And I wish that
all these demons
would just go away.

If I suddenly disappeared,
vanished without a trace,
how big of an impact
would it really make?

We said that we would fix each other,
and we did...
but we fussed too much over the hairline cracks that remained
And we broke each other again and again.

Daisycutter, daisycutter
Explosive as can be
Someone find a daisycutter
to set me free
My soul is wrinkled and my body is a tree
Oh, daisycutter, daisycutter,
set me free.

And the lights, they dance

Spin

Twirl

Fly

They fill the sky, gleaming, gleaming, gleaming,

bright.

They are invisible

except to my eyes.

They are the music,

the sound that pounds in my chest.

Boom

Boom

Boom

boom.

Vibrations ripple through my veins,

my blood fizzes and boils

I want to scream

and spin

and twirl

and fly

Like the lights in the sky

They cannot be seen by any eyes

Only mine, only mine

I alone can see

Because I alone can hear

The music, the beats, the rise

and the fall

I will explode from the force of it,

this sound that pours into my body

Absorbs into my skin

Bubbles into my blood

Dances through my mind

Setting me free

Like I've always wanted to be

Yes, I am free

I am free free free

And the music, it goes on

And the lights, they dance

Well, everything is spinning,
And it’s all because of you,
Darling, you’ve left me dizzy
From the lack of oxygen
You’re stealing all my oxygen
The fire in your veins
Yanks the breath from between my lips
And sets fire to my heart

Dance with me in the flames,
Dance with me, don’t play their little games
I’m your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
Don’t listen to the voices, baby, they all tell lies

Well, you’re telling me something’s wrong
There’s a piece in your head
that’s not quite right
You tell me that you’re just not right
But I just want to kiss you,
Hush
I don’t care if you’re a shattered mirror
Reflecting my pain
I see your soul,
and it shines bright next to mine

Dance with me in the flames,
Dance with me, don’t play their little games
I’m your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
Don’t listen to the voices, baby, they all tell lies

(Shh!)
All those people saying you’re broken
They tell lies, darlin’,
(Don’t listen, don’t listen)
(Shh!)
And the voice in your head that says
That maybe you’re just better off dead
It’s lying to you, baby
(I can tell you the only truth)
Dance with me in the flames,
Dance with me, don’t play their little games
I’m your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
Don’t listen to the voices, baby, they all tell lies

(Shh!)
I’ll be your dance partner ‘till the universe dies
(Shh!)
I promise you, baby, I won’t tell you any lies

The dark is a comfort,
it does not deserve a phobia.

Darkness should not be feared.
It can protect you from reality.

Starry mornings, full of fog
Soothes me with silent lullabies.

I welcome the dark, and
The dark embraces me warmly.

I let the shadows wrap around me,
Pulled over my shoulders like a blanket.

The dark is a friend,
Nothing to be feared.

We are the hopeless
We are the lost
We are the ones who fight the hardest
Then fall and drown in our own blood
We are the ones with hearts made of steel
Icy cold and burning hot,
Either way, you can’t melt the part of us
That is dark

(Dark)
You cannot find us,
Because we are dark
(Dark)
You cannot save us,
Because we are dark
(Darkness is the air we breathe,
Darkess is a smothering sea)
We are all dark hearts,
And we feel nothing but this pain

When we walk, it is with heavy footsteps
When we talk, it is with
Voices barely there
We are the poor souls
Caught in the landslide
And no one can us scream
“Help me!”
And we give up our last breath and fade
Into the dark

(Dark)
You cannot find us,
Because we are dark
(Dark)
You cannot save us,
Because we are dark
(Darkness is the air we breathe,
Darkess is a smothering sea)
We are all dark hearts,
And we feel nothing but this pain

Don’t try to prove to us that there is love
Don’t show us a world that is absent of pain
Don’t try to tell us that we are okay
Don’t you understand,
We can’t take your hand
Because
The darkness is contagious
The darkness is contagious

(Dark)
You cannot find us,
Because we are dark
(Dark)
You cannot save us,
Because we are dark
(Darkness is the air we breathe,
Darkess is a smothering sea)
We are all dark hearts,
And we feel nothing but this pain

We feel nothing but this pain
Weighing us down
Tarnishing our souls
Don’t ever try to tell us that we
Are anything but
Dark.

I know that I am good,
that I am a lightly colored soul,

But sometimes I feel the darkness
welling up inside—
I force it onto myself
so that I don’t hurt anyone else.

Scared to live
Scared to die
Trapped in a paralyzed
state of mind
Hold me close
Let me feel your beating heart
Remind me that I’m alive
That I am not falling apart
I hate it when monsters whisper that I’m broken
because I know that with you
I am whole
I hate it when I feel like I still need pain
because I know that your love
is much better for my brain
I’d much rather kiss you
than feel the bite of the blade
I’d much rather dance with you
than shiver in the rain
So why can’t I comprehend
that life is not so bad?
Why can’t I understand
what a million others already have?
Why can’t I just keep walking and sing
A love song for you, my darling, my king
A poet can never help but ponder
A poet always lets her mind just wander
And when I wander I am afraid
Because peeking in dark corners reminds me
that there’s an end to all days
But I don’t want to wander or ponder
No, I’d much rather just stay
right here in your arms,
I’d rather look at you and say
that forever I will love you
‘till the end of our days.

Swimming
through oil
  Trapped
in the night,
                    not a star in sight.
Make love to the dark,
  greet the cold embrace,
let it move inside,
                              let it take over.
But then there's a gunshot,
  a shock, a flame,
  lighting up the pitch-black room
that is your mentality.

  And the darkness
                               slips
                                       a
                                         w
                                            a
                                              y.

I feel the cold waves lapping at my feet,
whispering dark words in the night -
The waves are slowly rising to drown my soul again.
The cold will leave me numb,
and the drowning will leave my lungs on fire.
It won’t be long before I’m sinking again.

Dear Francis,
       It’s cold. I’m cold. My hands are the icicles that you’ve always known them to be. My heart aches. It aches and breaks for you, the lost boy. It aches and breaks for Chester, who blinks his green eyes from the future and watches you cry. My heart aches and breaks and I still don’t cry, I never cry, why can I never cry? My tears died. I don’t know how to let you go, I don’t know how to move on. You’re my soul mate, aren’t you? We’ve been through so much. But time, time, terrible time has torn us apart and dangles the golden thread of a better future dangerously close to our lips.I wonder why I cannot seem to be without you, then I remember that I gave you a piece of my heart, a half of my soul, and you still have it in you, deep in your core. I pick my way down the path  of a painful friendship and trip and fall and bleed, but don’t cry. I keep my lips sealed because I don’t want the world to know that suddenly you’re just my best friend and not my future husband. I try to smile, I laugh and play, but you just take it all away. Why? Why must I be abandoned at this time when everything falls apart around me...my family is breaking, my body is, too. My soul would’ve broken a long time ago, but then you arrived with the right tools to fix it. I was happy and you were happy, but something in you failed and you broke again and again until you finally walked away and took the golden tools with you, and so I break again.
Love. The tortuous beast. It is a delicate balance between poison and cure, and now it has suddenly become the poison, and it roars through me, stealing my warmth and freezing me. I shiver. It laughs. Far, far away, you cry, and an innocent girl is caught in the net of a twisted love story. She searches for a way to comfort you, but what is right? She’s been wanting you for a while, and now she has you, but you’re broken. You’re stolen. I have your heart in my teeth and I’m not letting go because you promised me forever, and now you’re ripping my fairy tale to shreds. The knight has left the princess in the dragon’s lair, and he’s not sure if he should go back and save her, or go forward and take the hand of the fresh-faced maiden who won’t cause him pain. A line of maidens waits outside the dragon’s cave, all of them promising a less painful today for a happier future. What does he do?


What
Does
He
Do?

Dear reader,
I have a request for you
Judge not
Hate not
Don't tear up the pages
If you dislike my poetry
I ask that you do not scream
Simply put the book aside
Forget everything
I will not be hurt
Unless you outright say
That you hate my poetry
Forever from this day
So, dear reader, please
Heed my request
And I will not hate you
For hating what I write
Sincerely,
The Writer

the sun shines bright

the waves are easy and calm

the breeze is warm,
it caresses my face

yet, in the distance,

somehow,

I still hear the rumbling
of the never-ending storm.

as I look to the sky,
I begin to realize
that the depths
of the seas and stars
hold my heart
so tightly close

and perhaps
that's why
I'm slowly losing
the will
to breathe

I found a flower today
in a bed of dead soil;
The only flower growing,
defying the harsh weather.
I stroked its petals,
I whispered to it softly;
"I am proud of you
for surviving and being you."

And, holding you, I forgot
I forgot the secrets of the night,
Dissolving in the morning light
Like dewdrops in the sun
The hidden dark things
vanished from my mind
As your kiss sent me whirling
They left barely even a shadow behind
Holding you, I forgot
That there were ever tears.

It’s inevitable,
Undeniable:
I am shrinking, fading, falling away
Reality moves farther from my grasp
Every day
I can’t help but feel
Disconnected
Is this depression? Is it anxiety?
Is it an ailment that has caught me by surprise?
I cannot say that I know
What it is that’s wrong with me
But it is odd, and frightening,
This week I’m fine and calm and okay,
Next week I’m a bouncing ball of buzzing anxiety;
Watch out! I might zap you with this electric energy
That has filled me to the brim
I don’t want to name disorders anymore
Because I tend to falsely diagnose
But I need to figure this out
I have to figure this out
I have to learn the name of my enemy
Before it squashes me completely
And wipes me off the face of existence.

It’s odd to have
a name for my ailment;
I can now officially say
that I suffer from anxiety,
Which can cause
panic attacks(sense of worry and/or fear, high heart rate, shaking, panicked thoughts, dizziness, difficulty breathing)
and
compulsive behavior(acting unwillingly on a yearning for a specific action).
Check and check, all symptoms accurate.
I have
a
n
x
i
e
t
y.

This is the name for my fears,
for my shaky moments,
for my actions, drawing blood.

It’s real now,
and I must learn my enemy
in order to defeat it.
Fear of the unknown will not paralyze me
anymore.

I f I wake before I die

Defy the pain of life's lie

Carve goodbyes into my skin

And scream to release the truth within

Lay me down six feet deep

Because I have no soul to keep

Let me wander lost forever

Until I vanish into the never

Simultaneously light and heavy,

I cut all the chains but one;

A gleaming stretch of diamond links

Binds my heart to his.

This is the only chain I will not cut,

For it is not only impossible,

Made of hard iridescent diamond,

But it is also an unseen desire;

I do not wish to cut this last chain,

And I swear that I never will.

I can safely say that
I’m better
I’m much better than I was
five months ago

Five months ago
I was a cutter and a liar and a girl wearing a mask
I had a death wish and a fear of oblivion
Eternal conflict kept me alive, not much else
Excpet maybe a heart barely beating
but somehow still warm

I don’t rely on blood and pain anymore
to keep my emotions in check
I’m opening up, being honest with myself
and with the ones I hold close to my heart and soul
I don’t wish for darkness,
and my heart is definitely beating

But underneath this fresh new smile
and cheeks flushed with hope and love
My blood still boils, my mind still toils
My heartbeat is insane
I still can’t tell you if I’m not fine
I can’t trust my thoughts,
they betray me to fear
If you look at me closely enough,
you might see the threat of crystal tears

I have hope, I have happiness and love
I have someone to hold, who can hold me
A shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold
I can finally say that I’m not alone
I can be honest when I tell him I love him
And I truly mean it, too
He’s my life, my heart and soul
And I know I will never let him go


And while you can completely trust my words of love,
there are other words you should not trust
When you ask me if I’m okay
the truth sits at the back of my throat,
tears ready to spill
But I remember there are people around
Remember we’re not alone
So I swallow the honesty, I tell you I’m great
Confirm the statement with a smiley-face
And then wince in pain as the lie burrows through my veins

I can trust him, I know he’s always there
No matter how far, I can always feel him there
Soul mate, linked forever
We are bound by the universe
I can tell him everything
and know he won’t turn away
And he’ll know how to cheer me up
if the old fears are poking through the dirt
He’ll know how to clear the clouds away
So raindrops won’t stain my shirt

So if I can trust you,
why can’t I tell you the truth?
Why can’t I tell you that
it’s slowly coming back-
the fears and the tears building in the back
of my throat;
I forgot how to scream and my tear ducts are blocked
And I know that if maybe we could just be alone
I could finally break through the walls I used to call home

Five months ago, I was a broken girl
But now I am fixed
But there are still cracks in my sunshine exterior,
and the darkness sneaks into my brain
I’m not alone anymore, I’m healing
I’m opening up, fresh summer bloom
But the mask still has not gone
And my smile can still be faked
I have hope
I have fear
I have a fresh start here
I might mess up this life, too
Love is truly a powerful force
*So is it enough to save me from a darker force?

These memories are infected;
cut them all away so I can bleed cleanly.

Pull the wires out from under my skin
I think I’m starting to rust again
My movements are stiff, my thoughts shedding red
I think I’m starting to rust again
Dunk me in Arctic waters,
Watch me d i s s o l v e
Pull the wires out from under my skin
I think I’d like to be a ghost girl again
I can live without hot blood
Seeking the warmth of my only love
Pull the wires out from under my skin
I might end up almost dead again.

whisper in the night
dissolving into the silverlight
moonlight, hungry light
my whipsers dissolve just before
hitting your eardrums
to resonate into your brain
my whispers vanish unheard
so i let my thoughts vanish, out of sight.

Distractions, distractions,
beautiful, shiny, noisy distractions
They flutter around my head
and their iridescent wings brush against my cheeks
My ears are smothered by the sound of their whispers
so I give up ignoring,
because the sound of their mindless singing
is much more beautiful
than a discussion of a king, his daughters, and an illegitimate son.

One should never
dive headfirst
if they don't know
what's at
the
bottom.

But I want to dive
straight in
to you.

There's a song
being sung
deep inside you -

I hear it,
and fall under its spell.

I want to dive
into your eyes
and never come up
for air

I am hopelessly
trapped
in your song.

I am not scared.

I am not scared
to drown in you.

You are the paradise ocean,
a safe place.

So crash over me,
let me sink.

Your song will keep me safe.