You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me

You are yelling my name
I can hear sirens singing in unison
I try to open my eyes but it hurts too much to try
I am tired
but your voice keeps pulling me away from sleep
I try to move my hands
They feel like they are on fire
Shards of glass are stuck to my fingers
I am cold
I can feel the concrete on my back
I feel hands touching me
I am poked, prodded and given an oxygen mask
My head is throbbing
I try to remember how I got here
but I can't
I finally find the strength to open my eyes
I see my car smashed
A semi truck hit me throwing me from my car
I didn't even see it
I was not prepared to spend my evening lying on the highway
in the dark
I feel myself going in and out of consciousness
I feel your hand squeezing mine begging me to hold on
I want to
God do I want to but it hurts
I see angels
Beautiful angels reaching out their arms
asking me to go with them
I want to but I don't want to leave you
If I go with the angels
all of my pain will go away
If I stay
I will be in agony
I shake my head no to the angels
I can't leave you
The angels disappear
I feel myself being lifted and taken to the ambulance
As paramedics reassure me I will be okay
I grasp your hand as hard as I can
Your hand in mine
is the only thing that doesn't hurt

Come a little closer
there is nothing to fear
I have been inside you since your birth
I am that tiny voice speaking in your ear
I am not the devil
I am not a ghost
I am not a figment of your imagination
I am a part of your soul
I hold all of your passions
I keep them safe day in and day out
When you feel you have nothing to offer the world
I remind you what I am all about
I am the mother of your talents
I am the father of your challenges
I am the spark in your eye
I am what causes your heart to beat with happiness
I am the thing you fear the most
because you are the only one who can see me
Only you have the power to reach inside yourself
and release me
I am the goosebumps on your arm
I am your purpose here on earth
I am everything you want in life and more
I am your dream
knocking patiently on your door

Wanted.
always a word,
but none so meaningful as the word Lover

My arms around You now
Gratitude for a pillow

Will I ever Rise Up again? flowering?...

Born in this wheat field of Desire
I have killed a man.
His Name Was God

Taken for  Gospel
I have spoken the Truth of many..
but not He

he was always Loving.

I  lay with the multitudes,
now past
And Call for Life's forgiveness

It was into her cage that I once flew
Her Service that I was once Called

It is now as earthly Soil,
that I nourish.... soldiers rest.

O God so great
to be an infant small?
did You weep,
or perhaps sleep
and never cry at all?

what was it like, sweet Mary,
to ride the night so black?
could you smile,
heavy with child,
upon a donkey's back?

what was it like, dear Joseph,
to know your wife would bear
God's own son,
but he'd be shunned,
a man of many cares?

what was it like, you shepherds,
to see the host's appear?
we're you scared
when they declared
heaven was so near?

what awed you so, O wise men?
was it the star alone?
or the holy child
so meek and mild
who'd descended from God's throne?

what was it like, O angels
to see your mighty King
lying there
in a manger bare
what joy could that sight bring?

and yet that night was joyous!
in ecstasy all sang!
or perhaps instead
they bowed their heads
while praise in heaven rang...

for now the great Messiah
is born to trumpet's blast -
what was it like
that special night

OUR SAVIOR'S BORN AT LAST!!!


SoulSurvivor
(C) 12/6/2011

Lord,
       God of many names
       I come as a pagan
        So that the right One
       Might hear my moans....

You are not a God that is either
Republican or Democrat,
You are partisan and unheeding
To their propaganda,
You do not need the popular vote,
Nor do you speak lies in speeches.

About the monsters You left in charge....

They speak sweet nothings in Your name
While they rush to cameras when
A thousand die.
They secretly take in the money
For the poor and raise funds
For their bunkers when the
Day of Reckoning comes.
    With their atomic know how
And the fear mongering tactics,
  Tney seek to rule me imperialistic,
They seek to destroy me moralistic.
    
    Will you deliver me from their policies,
   Save me from their budget cuts,
    Confuse their sinister programs?

When the day of final Judgement comes,
Send me an Angel,
Be my refuge from the socialist control,
Keep me safe from their propaganda
Mind alterating political promises,
Save me from their campaign commercials,
      Keep those who seek You
Under your safety and
Bullet proof vests.