I was born to beautiful swans.
Yet I see no resemblance.
I remain an ugly duckling.

Is there a life beyond these fears
That bear the root of all the tears?
Can one learn to be wilfully blind
To tell the difference between cruel and kind?
Is it possible to try and wait
To better accept an impending fate?
Can one refrain from asking why,
To live now, bidding the past goodbye?

If I were fictional
A part of another land
I'd use my powers to do good
No life would taste so bland.

If I were fictional
I'd be a spirit one can't see
Invisible guardian angel
To brighten a bleak history.

If I were fictional
One would always find success,
Never ever know of worry
They'd forever be blessed.

If I were fictional
The world wouldn't know heartache
Minds would be cured instantly
In strong bodies that won't break.

If I were fictional
I'd find him, and he'd be mine
I'd love to become his
Two souls together, entwined.

But I remain real
I'm not a made-up ghost
I can't change my life, I've tried
And somehow, that hurts the most.

I stay hidden beneath billows of dust
It's been ages since I was read, with trust.
How wonderful the days I was found,
Perused in the quiet, without a sound
I looked for the change in my readers' eyes
(I cannot see, but I sensed, in disguise)
As my maker's words prompt a memory,
A trapped emotion, now finally free,
When they recall, when they feel, in their core
They relate; They aren't alone anymore.
It's nice to be understood, to be heard,
To be visible without saying a word.
So I shall lie, waiting, for the next time
The soot is cleared, and someone reads my rhyme.

I'd walk ten thousand miles to find peace
To Japan, via Portugal and Greece.
I'd hike the Himalayas to find calm
I'd discover the meaning of a Psalm.
I'd meditate in Tibet to find quiet
I'd learn to maintain a balanced diet.
I'd take a yoga class to stretch my feet
I'd focus on the sound of a heartbeat.
I'd be mesmerized by the light of day
Lurking by a sea, staring at a bay.
I'd swim across an ocean for a while
Wishing to regain my former style.
If and when I do reach my goal
I hope I'll finally become whole.

Give me another sign
If you've seen the future
Illuminated by morning light
I am a lowly creature.
I'd pray without tears of fear
I'd pray with a smile on my face
I wish I could pretend to you
But I vow to cry in disgrace
So only you shall fully know
What I truly feel inside
My fears, loves of the unknown
Chinks in armor I wear with pride.
I'm living on a prayer
To keep an ounce of trust
That the world will right itself
That I will not combust.

It's been years since I wrote like this about what I'm feeling but it's been a tough night so here goes-

It's the start of the semester and I can't help but have this feeling of impending doom, like all my fears might just come true..

That this addiction I've been battling with for years might just bring me down. That I'm alone in fearing it, because it's not what you'd expect, and it's utterly uncommon. That I might just succumb to not reaching out to people and just fail altogether. And so many more fears..

I just feel really scared, sad and hopeless right now. The person whom I've always confided in has become something unfamiliar, that I don't recognize, and I feel sort of.. misplaced. I don't want to ruin my life but I might just be in the way of doing that. And I suppose writing this was a way of just putting this miserable mess of feelings out there. Trying to make it leave my body for good.

I don't want my penchant for introversion, as a shy person, to become the loneliness that might just destroy me. I'm afraid it's halfway there.

I don't think I have the strength to do this... i don't know if I can. It *****, feeling this small, cowering under the weight of all the fears hitting your brain at once in the middle of the night.

Most of all, I'm afraid I won't ever get over the addiction, and live my whole life battling it, fail and just... wither away. I don't know if I can because it has influenced and defined so much of the girl I am today. Both good and bad things. That's why it's hard to give it up.

Thank you to whoever reads this, have a great day!