I remember the first night we put you on suicide watch.
I remember how you stayed in my room all night long and laid on my bed while I tried to make you believe that I needed you more than anyone else in my life.
That sentence still stands.
I love you.
You're still my best friend.
And being gone during such a huge, hard part of your life is breaking me down.
And I want nothing more than to tell you all this and stay up late talking to you about infinities and the impossible.
And I want to be 5 again.
Back to when you and I were both happy.
And neither of us looked for bottles of pills or busy traffic streets.

It’s been so long
and distance
does it change things?
And
have things changed?
Time
seems to me
the epitome of change
and I let it pass
so freely
so selfishly
not really so willingly..
But explanations are
weak
pitiful
and mirror how I feel
about it all.
Because oh dear
I miss you
and I love you!
And though I wish
I could take myself back
to when so much time
had not passed,
I wish, now,
it would pass
a bit more freely.
I wish the clock
would tick a little quicker.
Because I want you home
and I want the familiarity
of your hand in mine
and your arms around me
playfully.
You mean so much to me
I’m waiting

Life, I know you don't believe me
But you are just a lie
Giving people so much hope
Just to take it when we die

So love is really nothing
Time is the only truth
We lose each minute as it passes
Just like we lose our youth

With the kiss of life
and the sting of death
We laugh and cry
Till our final breath

No ease from worries
Until we've died
Life was my lover
But death, my bride

i still try to remember
to take my boots off
at the door

my feet are wet
from walking in the rain

i leave laetoli footprints
on the pine floor
-like the first man

trying to walk upright
but can't seem to
get it straight

There's a lot of empty space
in a house
so full of quiet

wishing for thunder.

r ~ 9/5/14