the four of us
made memories
i would tell
my future kids

i woke up from my nap feeling like i couldn't breathe.
i paced around my room as i downed the two day old water.
looking at everything made my heart race,
i could feel my heart thump through my chest.
it made its way up to my throat and i couldn't breathe anymore.
my pacing got slower and eventually, i stopped in my steps.
my hands roamed beside me for something to grasp on,
to keep me from falling.
everything felt overwhelming and the air i was breathing felt like it was closing my throat more.
by this time, tears have already made their way onto staining my grey shirt.
i laid down once again,
tears rolling off the sides of my face.
i wanted somebody to hear me,
to come into my room and hug me.
fresh air couldn't help me anymore.
i needed someone to slow my heart down.
pat my back and run their fingers through my hair as a way of telling me that what i'm feeling is real but won't last for long.
but no one heard me.
i tried opening my mouth to speak but all that came out where silent sobs.
i held myself and closing my eyes, pretending my arms where someone elses.

the future is terrifying.
just when i feel like i could do the things that i want,
just when i finally have the courage to start telling people what i want to do,
it crumbles down.

we grew up together playing house,
i remember one night you called me your king and i called you mine.
it was nothing but a growing, childhood love.
my star projector let us count stars on my bedroom ceiling until we were old enough to sneak out, lay on park benches and count the ones in the sky.
our heads touching each other was the only thing that could help me fall asleep.
time never stopped for us,
even if it did feel like it when we held hands,
we grew taller and eventually,
not even the warmth of my arms was enough for you.
we grew up and apart.
i waited for you one summer night on that bench,
closing my eyes, pretending my hand touching the tip of my head was yours.
the sun began to rise and you never came.
i dreamt that you came and we counted the stars again.
i wanted to count your eyelashes again and see how many galaxies your eyes held again,
but i couldn't.
everything has faded again and
the only time i see you now is when i close my eyes.